Temptation - 1 Cor 10:13

This morning I woke up still feeling sad.  I remembered God always provided a way out when we are being tempted to do something that is harmful to ourselves or others.  Here's the verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13  "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

When I think about my mental illness, the temptation that takes over me, at that moment I'm not thinking about it being "what is common to man."  I'm thinking about how messed up my cognitive reasoning and feelings are compared to some of the good days I experience.

It's not until I am able to think better that I remember what I'm going through is "common to mankind."  The word "mankind" creates an image in my head of all the people in history who have fought the same fight but did not lose the battle.

"God is faithful."  He's faithful when I am in the fight for my life.  He's faithful when I am enjoying a slice of heaven on earth.  He is faithful in all things, all the time.  With his faithfulness I have someone to reach out to and hold onto no matter what state the illness is in.

"God will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear.  But when I am tempted, he will also provide a way out so that I can endure it."  I often hear people say/write, "God never gives us more than we can handle."  I've never read that in the bible.  I've only read the above.  

I know God has allowed temptation into my life to strengthen my faith and to recognize temptation so that I can immediately protect myself in the armor of God (Ephesians 6).  I've experienced him providing a way out by speaking to me through the holy spirit when I've had a cutting plan and the first aid laid out in front of me.  He sent a message through his spirit, that I've followed and benefited from greatly.

Right now is a time of mourning.  Not just for a suicide that has touched me but for my own temptations that are still alive inside of me.  I've asked God to take those away but he hasn't. 

He must have a higher purpose beyond my understanding.

Robin Williams - The Comments

As I've been reading comments on the Internet about the death of actor Robin Williams, who committed suicide this week, I'm glad so many people are sharing their own stories of depression.  Some are sharing the origin of the depression (death of a loved one, etc.), what has helped them, how easy it is to become overwhelmed by the enormity of the illness and some encouraging words for those who are also struggling.

Then there's another group.  I call this group the "God without grace" group.  They spew out condemning sentences like, "Sorry to have to say this but suicide is the only unpardonable sin." They think they are serving the Higher Good by taking the pain of these strangers and wiping it across the proverbial Christian floor.  To what purpose does this serve?

There are many things wrong with this approach.  Let's look at it through the eyes of Jesus (I am not a Bible scholar.  I have learned this through 26 years of church and Bible study.  If some of what I say is incorrect, please know it's not my intent to misrepresent God's Word in any way).

Before Jesus sent the disciples out in His name to teach and baptize people in His name, He spent three and a half years showing them by example and by teaching through parables how He wanted it done. They learned how to pray to the Father, how to have compassion for the poor, the blind, the mentally ill and the lame, how to see the rabble as Jesus saw them - with a void in their soul that only Jesus could fill and how He was the Son of God, the Messiah they've been waiting for.

The birth, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus was the most profound act of love there has ever been and ever will be.  God sent his one and only Son to die for the sins of all humanity once and for all.  There would be no more blood shed of innocent animals as a sin sacrifice in the Ark of the Tabernacle.  Anyone who received Jesus' gift of substitutionary atonement  for their sin was forgiven of their sin as far as the east is from the west.  The old was gone, the new had come.  They were now a new creation.  Born Again.

So the question remains, is there any act that can take away your salvation?  Yes, here it is:

Matthew 12:31-32 [Full Chapter]

And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

So you have to ask yourself, what language are you speaking to the Holy Spirit, our Counselor whom Jesus gave when we became believers?  Are you blaspheming Him (speak irreverently about God or sacred things; swear, curse or take the Lord's name in vain)?

I'm not talking about getting mad at Him.  I'm talking about turning your back on your faith, denying Christ as your Lord and Savior and basically joining the other side. Sadly, some people are disillusioned and end up making that choice.

Are you ready for the good news?  Apart from blasphemy, you cannot lose your salvation.  Jesus said no one can snatch us out of the Father's hand.  We are saved, our salvation is secure, we did not give it to ourselves and we cannot give it back to God.  We are in God's book of life.  Our place in Heaven is secure.  No matter what.

Wrap up, I wrote a response to a woman who was angered about people judging Robin Williams for choosing to commit suicide.  I don't know if I responded well but here's what I said:

People make choices and no one has any control over which way others are going to go.  Some choose suicide and some choose to fight to live.  I have major depressive disorder (the worst kind,  incidentally).  No cure, meds fail about every 12-18 months, major depression pitfall about every 15-30 days, suicidal ideation frequently, many hospitalizations and that's just one mental illness I have to deal with out of the menu I have.  I shake like Parkinson's a lot of the time.  Can't think right, memory is shot, have a genius i.q. but a broken mind.  I'm an attempt survivor.  Do I know how Robin Williams felt?  Of course not.  Do I wish he would have chosen to make one more phone call?  Reach out one more time?  Try one more medication?  Have one more conversation?  Of course I do.  Not because I'm judging him for how he died but because of how much I wanted him to live - just one day at a time, as all of us do in sobriety.

Robin Williams: Why That Way To Die?

The death of Robin Williams has shaken me up.  My insides feel like screaming, "You can't have done that!  You're not supposed to hang yourself by a belt!  You're not supposed to do that once you've attempted to cut your wrists!  Why would you hang yourself?"

I have Major Depressive Disorder.  I know what it feels like to have depression for long stretches of my life.  I know what it feels like to have it come out of the blue, to have your therapist ask what I think caused it and to have the answer be, "It just happened."  To feel like a failure because I don't have a good answer - because I want to blame something other than my neurotransmitters.  There is no one cause just like there is no cure.

There's management.  There's medication.  There's therapy. There's a psychiatrist.  There's family.  There's a few friends if they don't turn and run away from you because what you have scares them and they no longer want you around their kids. There's a home where I live alone.  There's isolation.  There's reading very little because your brain can't function cognitively for very long without having a meltdown.  There's writing when your hands aren't shaking so much that even you  can't discern what you've written.  There's typing when you stare at the screen as your mind runs fast and your fingers try to keep up but then something crashes in your inner talk and all of what you were trying to say comes to an abrupt stop.  STOP!  Quiet.  There's the internet.  There's the news.  There's movies.  There's cleaning.  I take excellent care of my cats and all their needs.  Personal hygiene is not as important as getting out of bed.

The flipside.  There's not regular showers.  I took one in December, one in May, one in June and one in August (Sometimes I use baby wipes in between).  There's not regular destressing practices.  There's not regular book writing practices.  There's not regular talking about my feelings practices.  I do not want to be around others.  I do not want to be out in public alone.  I'd rather beat the crap out of someone who judges me or puts me into a group of "what other mental illness people do or don't."  I don't want to talk about it.  My personal freedom is none of anybody's business.  Where I go, should I need to leave, no one will be able to track me.  I will not be found.

Major Depressive Disorder or Severe Depression or whatever you want to call it has an element of hiding itself from the public.  Hiding the really bad stuff, that is.  And when it gets too bad or too much or too lonely to handle and we don't want our loved ones to suffer from what our inner demons are putting us through, some of us choose to take our own lives almost as a gift to those we love.

We think to ourselves, "Now they won't be burdened by my pain.  They'll be sad for awhile, they'll miss me for awhile but in the end, this is the best decision for all of us."  What the suicidal person doesn't realize is something I realized just a short time ago.

"I have a responsibility to my family and my friends to make sure I do everything I can to live as long as I can."  This doesn't take into account how I feel because how I'm feeling is temporary.  It doesn't take into account what I think because my thinking is screwed up when I'm having suicidal ideation.  It doesn't take into account anything that has to do with me because my life at that moment isn't mine.  God gave me this life for a purpose - His purpose - and that has not been fulfilled - YET.

I wish Robin Williams would have reached out one more time.
I wish Robin  Williams would have not given up on himself.
I wish Robin Williams would have said, "Seize the Day," and made a call for help.

Anyway, I wish Robin Williams wouldn't have committed suicide.

Robin Williams - What Depression Says

I sat down like many other writers and found some words to describe the loss of Robin Williams, one of my favorite actors.  Not only was he incredibly funny but he also captured the hearts of many of us by the roles he played on television and film.

"Mork and Mindy," was one of my favorite television shows growing up.  "Good Morning, Vietnam," is a great example of his ability to create his own lines on his feet.  "Good Will Hunting," is a different role for him, playing a therapist who has a ghost in his own closet.  "Mrs. Doubtfire," is no doubt the funniest role I've seen him in.    

But my favorite film, "Dead Poets Society," stands above all the rest.  I'm not going to spoil it.  If you haven't seen it, please do.  It's inspiring, thought provoking, sad and redeeming.

I was writing my Twitter message today.  I found myself writing a message much longer than the number of characters Twitter allows.  Instead of stopping, I allowed the writing to freely flow.  

This is result:

"The reality of the extent of the emotional pain caused by depression is felt by the person suffering from it, the family living with it and the friends effected by it. Some sufferers find the help when they need it.  Some family members get support when they need it.  Some friends pull together when they need it.  

In real life, some lives are saved and in real life, some lives learn how to live with depression. Some lives respond well to medications and are able to be productive.  Some move on to great success or advocacy for a cause they most believe in.  They have found purpose and meaning to continue living. 

The darkness rarely visits anymore.  They're no longer curled up into a ball on the couch or in their bed, holding their pillow so tightly and sobbing crocodile tears of hopelessness.  They no longer go for weeks or months without showering, not changing their clothes and not combing their hair.  They no longer hide in the darkness of their home. 

They no longer skip meals or overeat to punish the shame of depression that tells them, "People don't really like you.  They're just trying to be nice.  You are no one.  You are nothing.  No one cares about you.  Just kill yourself so you're not such a burden."  

And those thoughts.  Those thoughts that have a voice.  The voice that speaks with authority in their head.  That haunting voice that says they're not worth it.  No one will notice if they are gone. They were never supposed to be here anyway.

Depression.  The silent killer."

Everyday Friend

I have a friend who is financially blessed.  She is someone I spend a lot of time with because we are both on disability and live close to one another.  Most of the time I'm not bothered by it.  Other days, like today, I am.

It's not that she does anything wrong.  She's generous to a fault.  In fact, I had to tell her that when I borrow money I need to pay it back for my own self-esteem. When things were really tight and an emergency bill would come up, she would pay it and give me ample time to pay it back. I've paid back every dollar every time.

The problem is me.  I don't have the financial freedom she does.  I live tight because that's how it is.  I can't get what I want every time I go to a food store.  I can't keep going to stores, even if they're thrift stores.  I can't pay for the gas to go to all these places.  I can't buy new dvds every week when new ones are being released.  I can't eat out all the time.

Lately, I keep focusing on what I don't have.  I know that waving my fist at God but for some reason I'm not content with what I've been given.  It's as if I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Gratefully, I have a regular check being deposited every month.

Bottom line:  I wish life weren't so hard.  I wish my disability check stretched to cover more expenses.  I wish I didn't feel cheated; like somehow I'd been robbed of something I deserved.

My friend means more to me than money.  There are days I'd be lost without her.  We laugh a lot, go to movies (something I was able to add to my budget) and yes, we go shopping.  I'd miss her if she weren't here.

Yes, I'd miss her.

Lunch With A Friend

I am blessed to have a handful of friends I look forward to seeing. It was a lunch where she needed me to listen to what's been going on in her life for the past couple of months.  

It's when you put down what you're eating so that you are not distracted and can fully focus on what she's saying.  It's looking into her eyes and when they get teary, your heart melts.

Sometimes friends don't reveal the details of what they're going through when they are going through it because they don't want to be a burden.  My friend felt that way.  I reassured her that she would never be a burden.  Still, I hope the next time she has a crisis, she will know she can call me.

One thing she gave me a heads up on was wanting to ask me questions about mental illness.  I talked about some things I hadn't really shared with anyone.  I felt a little uncomfortable and shifted around in my seat.  I wasn't sure if I was making sense or if I was answering the questions.  I'd forgotten them.  I think I did okay.

One of the things that still amazes me is when my friend shares very personal stuff with me.  I want to throw a flag up and say, "Hey, remember me?  I'm the one with mental illness.  Are you sure you want to tell me what's been hurting your heart?"

You know what she says?  I'm endearing and whoever doesn't want to be my friend is an idiot.

Ha!  That always makes me laugh.

I love my friend very much.  She has such a gentle squishy heart.  She loves people.  I really hope God gives her the desire of her heart very soon.  

God, please keep my dear friend safe in your loving care.  Free her mind from worry.  Give her loved one conviction to make the right decisions.  Protect the lamb.  Guide my friend regarding her vocation and living arrangement.  Let her have peace beyond all understanding.  In Jesus' name, Amen.