From the time I was fifteen or sixteen, I began drinking. It wasn't very often because I wasn't part of the party scene in high school. I was attending Alateen. I learned alcoholism can be passed down to the next generation. I certainly was not going to be an alcoholic, especially if it turned me into the monster my Dad had become.
The legal drinking age changed from 18 to 21 in Illinois. I was bummed because besides being able to vote, drinking was the next step toward adulthood. Fortunately, our neighboring state, WI, had the legal age to drink as 19. Often I would drive over the state line, purchase alcohol, hide it under my seat then drive home. If I was caught with it by the police I'd be in big trouble.
What kind of drinker was I? A closet drinker. I drank alone, at home, in my room. I drank alone, in my car, parked someplace safe. I drank alone, waiting for the numbness to settle over me so that I could get through whatever was ailing me at the time.
I'm 48 years old. I've been in and out of AA for 33 years but I always stayed in some sort of recovery group, therapy group, church group or small group. My drinking never progressed to the point of losing a job, a DUI or losing my family. I never got violent like my Dad or get into fights with others. What I did do was chug down three drinks, as fast as I could without it being noticeable, at an employer's event. I ordered two tumblers at dinner and chugged those down, too. These episodes were not back to back but they stand out in my mind. I had given up control.
Less than a year later, I stopped drinking. Yes, I was a closet drinker. I hurt myself the most. The day I stopped was the day of my second back surgery. I was given a morphine drip for the intensity of the after surgery pain. I had a clicker and could have as much as I wanted. Even though I was in high levels of pain, I still knew I had to walk the fine line of medicating the pain enough for it to remain under control and not over medicating myself. Fortunately, I was successful in pain management. That experience made me realize how I use alcohol.
I had to reduce my use of morphine and I did. In fact, I surprised the doctor. Now I had to decide if the feelings of "no pain" I get from alcohol were worth letting out. I decided, yes!
Six years ago, I told my mom and sisters that I was an alcoholic. They were shocked because they never saw me drink. My sisters have their own recovery programs as does my mom. I've learned some things along the way that I'd like to share. I think naming six of them is appropriate:
1. Never give up on myself no matter how hard it gets.
2. Having God in my life, the God of the Bible and a relationship with Jesus, is a must.
3. Go to whatever lengths it takes to get the help I need (psychiatrist, therapist, hospital, etc.).
4. No matter where I am, remember I am never alone.
5. My family fills me up so I spend a lot of time with them.
6. Meetings are important but NOT getting to one isn't the end of the world.
Has it been easy? Nope. Have I almost gone back drinking? You bet - on many occasions for many "good" reasons.
TRUTH: Staying sober takes work. You're either committed or you're not. You either walk the road alone or you let other travelers help you. Being sober this long is the longest stretch of sobriety I've ever experienced. Admitted I had a problem, sought out God (and others) in a whole new way and made the decision to let Him change whatever needs changing on the inside. I do this daily.
Sobriety...a better way of living the life God gave to me.
