Soul Cleansing

One of my all time favorite books is written by Ken Gire, "Windows of the Soul."  Just the mention of the name brings back feelings of warmth.  It was a gift from a woman on my serving team, a gift that was wrapped unsuspiciously and delivered with the words, "Here, Amy.  I think you'll really like this."

I was captivated by the message of that little book.  It packed a powerful punch to a young thirty something who had questions about the longings in her own soul, the souls of others and what souls were really all about.

I understood our Eternal soul - the one Jesus came to this earth for, to pay the ultimate price for our sin, to die and rise on the third day, ascending into heaven to take His seat at the right hand of God and send us the Holy Spirit.  The promise of my soul eternally in heaven.

But...the treachery and debauchery of the human soul.  The agony of failure, the diseased mind of the tortured soul.  The emptiness of the lost and lonely soul.  The soul that longs for comfort in the middle of the darkest nights when tears won't come anymore and the crying sounds are now silent because there is no more voice inside...no more breath to push out the pain.  There's no word to describe that condition of a soul.

But we've seen it or heard about it.
Or we've experienced it ourselves.
Or we've held someone through it.

Most of us pray it never happens to us.
Some of us aren't so lucky.

Or are we?

I'm the survivor of a lot of abuse.  I don't wave a flag with all my hurts on it and I don't consider my pain and suffering any worse or better than anyone else.  Sin is sin and it hurts everybody.  That's why we all need Jesus.  I know that's why I do.

In my healing journey, since the age of fourteen, I've had dozens of breakthroughs.  I'm rarely grateful for the pain and discomfort I go through beforehand and even less rarely grateful for the crying and memories I go through during the breakthrough but this I can tell you every time:

God is with me through all stages of what I like to call SOUL CLEANSING.

That's the deep down stuff that needs to be rooted out.  For me, this morning, it was feeling the sadness about what happened to me as a little girl and no longer putting on my "brave" behavior.  No more being strong when I talk about it, no more lessening the hurt because I forgave the alcoholic, no more stuffing down the tears because I should be done with this by now - nope.  I'm going to cry and it might take awhile.

And you know what?  God answered some prayers I've been praying.  He always knows what I need to get rid of before He can add to my pile.  He is my anchor and I do hope He is yours!

Get yourself some SOUL CLEANSING!

“Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ 17:14 ESV

Chronic Back Pain

In August of 1992, I was driving to work when the truck in front of me came to a sudden stop. The guy behind me had no idea we were slowing down and hit me at about 45 to 55 miles per hour as I was swerving to avoid him.  My car sped onto the wet grass.  I heard my hatchback glass shatter, tiny pieces flew everywhere.  Still unable to stop, two objects came into view very quickly. One was a swimming pool.  The other was a tree. At that time of year the swimming pool would be full of water.  I had a fear of drowning so I prayed that I would hit the tree and I did.  BOOM!

Then it was silent.  I sat still.  Too stunned to move.  Little chards of glass were everywhere.  I checked my body.  No blood.  My right knee, neck, shoulder and low back hurt.  The windshield wasn't cracked so my head was okay.  I wore my seatbelt and saw a long mark on my neck where it rested.  Then I looked out my window.

Three people got out of their cars to check on me.  One of them was a 911 dispatcher.  I was less than a mile from where I worked.  I wondered if anyone in the traffic knew it was me.

I was taken to the hospital and x-rayed.  I could tell right away that something was wrong with my low back.  Eighteen months later I had my first back surgery.  Six months later I returned to work full time.  Sixteen years later I had my second back surgery.

Chronic back pain has been part of my everyday life since the day of the accident.  I have some level of pain everyday but I'm not on painkillers unless I can barely move.  Even then, I'm under the care of a physian who is very careful with what she prescribes.

In the last five months, I've had two major flare ups.  I'm in one today.  These are times when I'm limited to laying down and not much else.  Sometimes I talk to God, sometimes I reflect, sometimes I read and sometimes I sleep. 

These are the days I pay particularly close attention to what's going on in my inner world.  Nowadays I feel a type of cleansing and renewing of my emotional world.  Writing the book is purging and bringing into perspective chronic pain of another kind that God wants to continue healing.

For that, I am very glad!