Suicide and Comfort

A new post on my Facebook page caught my eye.  Here's what it said:

"Josh May you gotta pull through man I've known u longer then I know anyone else out here we used to chill everyday and u r not going like this I pray for you to pull through u have a lot of friends and family who love and care for you bro pull through please pull through."

My curiosity peaked.  I did not know who Josh was or what happened.  

I posted this comment:  "Can you send me a private message to let me know what happened?"

I received this response: "He is a friend of mine who I have known since 4th grade and he hung himself. Now he's in ICU."

Me--Oh, man, Jonny. Is he in a hospital near us?

Yeah Mchenry

Me--I'm so sorry. I'll be praying with you.

Thank you Aunt Amy

Me--But let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, okay?  If I need to borrow my friend’s car to take you to the hospital, I can try and do that.

My nephew, who had just become the dad to his second daughter, was now dealing with the attempted suicide of a close friend.  What do you tell someone who is trying to grapple with those emotions?

I decided that what I told him was good for now.  

Because Josh hung himself, I knew he was without oxygen.  It reminded me of Jonny's brother Aaron, even though the cause of the injury was much different.  I pictured Josh's parents, finding Josh, dialing 911, just a couple of days after Christmas.  Now they were at the hospital, not leaving Josh's side, having to talk to the doctors about his brain injury and the hopelessness of Josh ever regaining life.  Then comes the decision.

Two days later, Jonny posted this message:  Josh May this is for you I love you man and you'll be missed.  The ventilator had been turned off, watching the heart monitor as the heart began to slow down and then that tone when your loved one is no longer alive.  You sit in the room.  Unable to move.  Unable to stop the tears and the sobs.  Unable to will your loved one to open their eyes just one more time.  Their gone and your life will never be the same.

One of the most difficult things for people to understand is why God doesn't save their loved one.  He saves others but not theirs.  My Christian faith gives an answer to this question.  Before we were born, God wrote our names in the Lamb's book of life.  In that book is the day we are born and the day we die.  Every death in my life has been written in that book.  Having that knowledge has brought a great sense of peace for my grieving when people and pets die.  It doesn't mean that I don't go through the grieving process - I do, indeed.  But in doing so, I have this deep inner peace with God at the center that everything is going according to His Plan.  

Where people spend their eternity is another plan all together.  That's something each of us chooses.  If you want more information about it, see my previous posts in the past week.

My nephew Jonny is new to the Christian faith.  I'm trying to teach him that God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want Him to. But that doesn't mean He doesn't care.  He cares so much about us that He promises to be our comfort in times of sadness and that's something we can pray for Josh's family and friends.

God's comfort is something we can pray for anyone who has to suffer.

I pray 2014 was a year where you saw God's activity in your life.  If you feel up to it, why not jot down some things that caused you to take better care of yourself, presented challenges that you were able to overcome or gave you hope for a better future.

Many blessings for a Happy New Year!

Love Amy

Christmas Reflections

I sit here at home after a wonderful time at my sister's house for our Christmas celebration.  I took very very good care of myself.  I declined an invitation to our extended family's annual Christmas Eve get together.  I love the people and children.  I am easily frazzled by the crowd and the noise (right now).

Instead I stayed behind at my sister's house with the dog.  I wore my pajamas as I washed my laundry, cleaned her kitchen, straightened up the table then rested in the recliner for a little bit of Christmas cartoons.

When everyone came home the house was bustling with some excitement and tiredness.  I still had one major gift to wrap with one of my nieces.  Once that was done I asked my other niece to help put my gifts under the tree.  Then it was time for sleep.

When morning came almost everyone was up before me, including my Mom.  We were all chit-chatty as my sister was talking to her one son that was driving over.  As soon as he, his girlfriend and his daughters were there we'd begin opening gifts.  She had the pleasure of waking the two oldest boys upstairs who were up gaming most of the night!

This year, I realized something pretty special that we've been doing since the children were born and blended.  All of their gifts are opened at their Mom/Stepmom and Dad/Stepdad's house.  My other sister and I have always brought our gifts to their house.  My Mom has either shipped or brought them down with her.  They've never had to travel to another house on our side of the family.  Even my Dad would give his gifts to my sister to put under the tree.

The reason that struck me this year is because of the gifts they gave to one another and to us.  When children are small some parents pick out what they should give someone.  Since my sister's children have been small, I've given them money to pick out their gifts for one another on their own.  They've learned how to think about someone else and what would make them happy.  Not about what would make themselves happy.  Huge difference.

On Christmas Day, they hear the gift passer-outer read out who the gift is "to" and who the gift is "from".  Sometimes we make up silly names for both.  The giver watches their recipient open their gift with great anticipation.  A big smile and a big laugh and a thank you!!

Inside each recipient, is a warm feeling of love.
Their giver knew exactly what they would want and what would make them happy.

Inside each giver, is a warm feeling of love.
They knew what every family member was going to be given.
A gift, just for them, that would bring happiness and joy.

If you think about it, that's what God did for us over two thousand years ago.

God chose Mary to give birth to His Son, Jesus.  When it was time, Joseph and Mary (quite pregnant with Jesus), went home to Bethlehem for the Census, excited about the coming birth of Jesus.  When he was born, they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and placed Him in a manger.  (See Luke 2)

God knew we needed a Savior.  He knew He needed innocent blood, shed by His Son, as payment for our sin.  He knew He couldn't make us receive that gift but just the same, He offers it to us.  Nothing else can substitute it.  We have to receive it as a gift - humbly from the Giver.

So the question is:  

Have you admitted to God that you are a sinner, believed that Jesus Christ died as payment in full for all your sin and confessed your need for Jesus so that He can teach you how to live?

If not, why not?

You might want to spend some time writing or thinking about it.

Sometimes a pro's and con's list can help.

Last Night's Dream

I brought the tickets to our church's Christmas Eve service to each of my sisters homes.  I coordinated with them weeks ago about which service would be good for their families.  Then it was a matter of picking the best for all of us, choosing the best seating and printing the free tickets at home.  Everyone is very happy.  Only God!

I say this to lay the foundation for last night's dream.  It took place in the home I grew up in, specifically in the bedroom my first sister and I shared.  My sisters and I are the ages we are now.  It was Sunday morning when I woke up.  The rest of the house was asleep.

I could my pastor beginning to teach.  I knew his sermon was going to include a kid segment because many parents brought their kids to the Christmas Eve service.  I wondered if he was going to borrow from, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and sure enough, he did.

While I was listening I had two helium balloons.  One was white and one was shiny green.  I decided to tie them onto the same ribbon strand.  I noticed how strong they were. I let them float up to the ceiling but it took a lot of strength to pull them down.  I wondered why this was but then my concentration was interrupted.

I could see the Christmas Eve service on my television screen.  Our pastor was interviewing people.  I think he was asking them about situations in their life that looked hard but turned out not to be.  One of the long time staff members, Otis Price, sang verses to glorify God for His provision.  As it turns out you couldn't really hear Otis.  You could just see the sincerity when he sang.

I recognized some of the people.  People I had served with a long time ago.

Then the service switched over to the kids.  That's when parts of the Charlie Brown Christmas played.  The music, the movie and the dialogue.  It was well woven into the sermon and included Linus' part of telling Charlie Brown what Christmas is really all about.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a bright flash of light and the sky turned to dark!  I opened my shade and morning turned to night.  I ran from my bedroom to the utility room to bring our dogs in but Samantha had already brought Suzi in.  I was organizing the room, getting the four ladders out of the way when she brought in Dina.  We were getting the blankets set up when two other sisters and my mom woke up to see what was going on.

We talked about the flash of light.  What was it?  Where did it come from?  What did it mean?

My mom began having breathing problems.  Tracy was trying to get her to sit down and rest but it was obvious she wasn't going to it.  She was still walking around trying to figure this out.

My dad woke up and wanted to know what was going on.  I felt irritated because he always shows up late.  My mom walked into the kitchen still breathing heavy.  I was prepared to dial 911.  And then I heard it.  I heard her hit the floor.  My sisters ran to help her.  I dialed the phone.  After I hung up we made a path for the paramedics.

My dad tried to get involved but we pushed him to the side.  He said he was still her husband but we quickly reminded him that they were in the middle of a divorce and he had no say so in her medical care.

It was still dark outside.  The paramedics hadn't arrived yet.  My sisters and I weren't panicked because my mom started to regain consciousness.

Then I woke up.

This dream could mean several things but right now I don't have the energy to dissect it.

I Don't Like the Stress

I'm the child of an alcoholic,
Please don't feel sorry for me.
I have a lot of hang ups,
It's God's plan to set me free.

When certain things happen,
My mind and body are alert.
They tell me it's like a tiger,
That is crouching in my dirt.

There are days I feel very well,
Like I haven't a care in the world.
Those days are not so many,
And so begins my brain of swirls.

END

I don't like my life right now.
I am not having thoughts of self-injuring or suicide.
I'm simply saying I don't like my life right now.

I don't like the stress of people asking to spend time with me.
I don't like the stress of blaming myself for Kitten leaving.
I don't like the stress of one neighbor thinking losing a cat is funny.
I don't like the stress of delaying three Christmas gifts for a week.
I don't like the stress of being unsure if I have enough food until Jan 2nd.
I don't like the stress of eating too much popcorn and gaining three pounds.
I don't like the stress of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay.
I don't like the stress of my diagnosis being changed.
I don't like the stress of going outside of my house.

I see my therapist soon.
I hope it's okay.

Grieving the Death of A Loved One

This is the best book I've read on grief

When I think about what my nephews and nieces go through this time of year it pulls me out of myself.

Do you know what I mean?

Let me explain.

Four and a half years ago their brother Aaron was riding in the backseat of his friend's car.  He was inhaling propane (huffing) and induced a seizure.  One of his friends dialed 911 while the other pulled off to the side of the road.  They pulled him out of the car and began CPR.

When the ambulance arrived Aaron had no heartbeat and was without oxygen for ten minutes.  The paramedics were able to restart his heart but the brain damage was already extensive.  He was on a ventilator for five days when his parents decided nothing more could be done.

Aaron died on Friday, April 16, 2010  just before midnight.

Each day and year that have passed has seen grieving at many messy stages.  The young people in my life have been blessed to have families that are able to love and care for them outside of themselves.  Most of us have a close relationship with Jesus so we're able to lean on Him when those waves of sadness crash into us unannounced.

Since we have that pillar to lean on, we have been able to help the brothers and sisters of Aaron.  During the past four and a half years, the frequency and depth have changed but even so, the need to process hasn't gone away.  Here's a little sample of what I've learned for ages 9-25 girls and men:

• I've learned that listening to them, whether they are talking using their voice or on Facebook, is very important. 
• I've learned to talk about Aaron and not keep him "dead."
• I've learned to ask questions to keep the conversation lite.
• "Hey ______.  Have you been thinking about Aaron lately? I have, too. Can you share with me what you've been thinking?  I'd love to hear it."  Then I ask about feelings.
• "What do you think he'd say about that big 'ol tree?"
• "What's one of your favorite funny memories about Aaron at Christmas?"
• "Remember those snowball fights with Aaron?  He was hilarious!"
• Memories, especially funny ones, are always great for everyone.

This year I'm going to try something new.  I'm going to make an Aaron bag.  I'll supply my family with different half sheets of paper and colored pens.  Each of them can write a letter to Aaron and place it in the bag.  When the bag is done I'll staple it shut, write the year on it then give it to his Dad (and my sister, Aaron's Stepmom) to place under the tree for next year.

I think that will be a nice memory maker in honor of Aaron and a great way for all of us to process our grief privately and as a family.

Grieving the Death of a Loved One is never easy.  It's not meant to be.  Neither is grieving it alone.  God designed us to be in relationship with Him and with each other.  If you need some help dealing with your grief in a healthy way, find a local Christian therapist to help you.  

If you are in my area, contact Faith Gallup or Carol Davis-Serpas listed to the right.

What Salvation Is

I used to work for a woman who was fast paced in everything she did.  She was a chiropractor, nutritionist, massage therapist, radio show personality and studying to be an environmental law lawyer.  Anything she put her mind to do she accomplished with excellence.  She's one of those people who is a life time student.

She was recommended by my own chiropractor.  At our first meeting we discussed my seven day food intake history, chemical exposures that were causing the migraines and how working in new construction was making it difficult to work.  She offered to give me a massage and I agreed.

While I lay face down our conversation was an interesting one.  She began asking questions about my belief in God.  I testified to my relationship with Jesus and being a Christian.  She poked and prodded by asking poignant questions which I prayed to God before I answered.  Then she said something interesting that I found troubling.  She said,

"I'm surrounded by so many Christians.  I know I'll have no trouble getting into Heaven."

I didn't know what to say.  Since I had just met her, I stayed silent and discerned to stay silent.  I hoped that one day God would open a door for a follow-up conversation about that belief.

I ended up working for her for a couple of years.  I learned a lot and we talked about God quite a bit.  She asked many questions, told her friends good things about me and my faith, but I never sensed God leading me to revisit that initial statement.

Unfortunately, our working relationship did not end well.  I lacked discipline and sticking up for myself when I'm accused of doing something wrong.  I'm not perfect and made some mistakes.

I miss her.  She was a real cheerleader during a time when I was struggling in another job.  She helped get me my next job.  I've look her up from time to time online just to see how she's doing.  She's had some sad times and I've prayed for God's comfort and healing in her life.

That one statement she made has never left my mind.  If I had a chance to respond to her and give her a word picture, this is what I'd say:

"Trusting you'll get into Heaven because you're walking in with your friends who are Christians is like getting into the Super Bowl because you're walking in with friends who have tickets.  You have to have your own ticket to get into the Super Bowl and you have to have your own relationship with Jesus, who bought and paid your sin by His death on the cross, in order to get into Heaven."

If you do not have a relationship with Jesus, consider the below steps then get connected to a Bible based local church.

A Prairie Home Companion

I was first introduced to Garrison Keillor by one of my Alateen sponsors. She and her husband lived in Sioux Falls, SD and listened to his radio show on Saturday nights. One night when I was at her house I think she put in a tape or it was playing live.  In either case I really enjoyed it.

I introduced my Mom to PHC.  She listens to it up north.  Whenever I would drive up to see her I'd stop off at the library and check out his CDs.  They were entertaining from storytelling and I really liked the kind of music they played.  I could imagine the Lutheran town of Lake Wobegon and laugh at the comedy of mishaps because regular folks could have them, too.

Nowadays I find myself yearning for this kind of entertainment more often.  I have a few of his tapes, a CD and one DVD.  I've put PHC as a bookmark so I can see it, including the time and day of the show.

This is all I have to give today.  It's available to watch online.  I must admit I found myself closing my eyes as I laid on the couch and imagined it it my head.

Take a little trip into some new places, old music and of course Lake Wobegon and let your imagination enjoy the hospitality of these kind strangers.

Click here to go to "A Prairie Home Companion" home page

Tattoos

This is my only tattoo.  I designed it myself.  It's in memory of my nephew Aaron who died from huffing.


I'm not the type of self-injuring person who covers herself in tattoos.  Mostly because as I understand the Bible, I'm not supposed to do it.  Second, I think I'd become addicted to the pain it causes and I'd keep going back for more.

My body has scars that remind me of where I've been in earlier years.  On my left arm I can see the skin with lines on it where I carved the word DEAD with several lines for a box around it.  I remember telling myself, "If God wants to heal it and take it away, He can do it."  Every time I look there, I see it.

Another scar is on the inside of my right arm.  I should have gone to the hospital for stitches but I knew they'd hospitalize me.  I taped my skin very tightly and it healed closed.  I remember that cut also.  Lots of anger and rage.

Other scars are spread around.  Since I haven't cut since October 13, 2012 that doesn't mean the urge to cut hasn't popped up here and there.  When it does I don't wallow in those thoughts.  I don't imagine what I'd do or how I'd do it.  That's just feeding the monster.

Instead, I busy my mind by writing, coloring, reading or anything else I can think of.  Dwelling on harmful behaviors lead to harmful behaviors.  I'm not perfect but I can at least try to get away from those thoughts and look at feelings instead.

Tattoos, for me, are not a substitute for identifying feelings or expressing emotions.  It is simply a way to memorialize  my nephew and feel like he's with me all the time.

I had enough marks on my body as a child that caused a great deal of pain.

I don't want anymore especially by choice.

Christmas Tradition

This time of year has one tradition I started many years ago with my nephew and nieces.  God has always provided the money for it and we've always had a great time.  My nephew has since gotten older and ducked out of our shopping.  Now it's the girls and I and we do have our fun.

I've always been the one who wants to teach them how to manage their money.  Whether it's ten or twenty or fifty dollars I believe the principle is the same.  They come with lists of who they want to buy for and ideas of the kind of gifts they want to give.  It's my job to affirm their generous hearts and then steer them toward other (less expensive) ideas.

What I've observed through the years is God's activity in their hearts.  They'll feel disappointed that they can't get something but then they'll find something else and the excitement is back in full swing.  I've seen God provide them with pretty cool gifts at very low prices.  I often point that out to them and tell them it's a "God doing."

A "God doing" is what my Mom says when only God could have done it.  There are no coincidences, no luck or anything like that when we are believers in Jesus.  God does it all.

Tonight was our shopping night and I got to see all the little God doings.

Another miracle is the money God provides for the shopping.  I don't have a lot of extra funds but after I pay all of my bills there seems to be just enough left over to take them out.  I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve.

Christmas traditions are important to keep especially when there is a touch of loss and sadness.  This tradition helps me get out for a little bit and no focus on Aaron's absence.  This is the fourth year his name has been removed from our lists.

We will always remember him and we will always have some pain in our hearts.

God, Animals and Emotions

It's been a draining day today.

It started out with happy, excited and tender emotions as I drove to therapy.  The driving route I take winds through a forest preserve.  God brought out four ginormous deer with one of them standing just twenty feet from my car staring straight at me.  I call him a smooshed up nose deer.  He was magnificent.  The one slightly behind him and to his right decided to back up a little bit.  The other two were behind some thin brush.  As he started to walk to my right I noticed some traffic coming up behind me.  I started to pull away and then the lead truck slowed down.  I believe they were blessed to see the smooshed up nose deer, too.

About five minute from the office I noticed a wolf standing up on a grass hill of a corporation.  There was no traffic behind me and none from the other direction.  That was strange for that time of morning.  As I drove slowly by the wolf I prayed for his protection.  I watched my rear view mirror and sure enough!  Four or five seconds went by and the wolf ran across all four lanes of highway unharmed and into the woods.

God speaks to me through deer and I think he's adding wolves.  His message today was:  "Everything is going to be alright."  It brought tears to my eyes.

I'd been feeling emotional before seeing the deer.  I was thinking of Aaron (my nephew who died from huffing at 18 years old in 2010).  Coupled with the recent loss of my cat tears were easy to shed.  I asked God to keep my emotions open.  By that I meant I didn't want to shut them down.

My therapy session was very teary.  I still cried each time I tried to talk about Kitten.  Her loss is quite a big one.  For some reason I'm finding it hard to talk about but at least in therapy I'm able to find the words through the tears.

I had a lot of lofty goals for the rest of the day.  But my energy level went down.  I have to give myself credit for completing the three that were most important.

Time to rest.

Vacation On My Mind

There's only one place that has captured my solitude and filled me full to overflowing.  It's the state of Arizona.  My first sister used to be a travel agent.  She took me there for my 21st birthday.  In 1995 I visited once or twice a year until the mental illness began to show up.

I stayed at the same Embassy Suites hotel in Scottsdale every time I visited.  It was so relaxing with a large pool, whirlpool, free breakfast prepared just for you, two rooms and room service.  I pampered myself every visit so that I could slow down my RPM's.  I'd sleep for two days.  Then I'd get into the rental car and begin the adventure God had waiting for me.

I ventured east to Petrified National Forest which is filled with petrified trees, stumps and other things.  I ventured southeast to Payson which is a sleepy little town with rivers, camping, fishing and forest roads.  My favorite road is FR300.  God and I had quite an adventure that included a herd of elk, almost running out of gas on the pitch black road and sitting on a cliff listening to the stirring of the trees from Tonto National Forest below.  I climbed some steep rocks to reach Tonto Natural Bridge.  That was challenging.

Grand Canyon was unbelievable.  On the way there at night, I pulled over and gazed up at the sky.  It was the most stars I had ever seen.  I watched the sunset, saw more elk, woke up early for the sunrise and took pictures that remind me of how I was feeling at those moments.  To describe how I felt I'd say calmly peaceful, inquisitive, soaking in the warmth of the sun and closing my eyes to receive all of it.  It's the closest I've ever felt to God.

I miss those times.  The only way I can take that vacation is in my mind.  Sometimes I travel back and remember how fortunate I was that God blessed me with good health and enough resources to go there.  I pray someday soon I can go back for 10 days and renew my spirit which has been yearning for the red rock mountains, cactus, blue skies, forest road 300, driving to my favorite spots and doing some swimming and resting in a whirlpool.

Until then, I try to enjoy the surroundings God has me in right now.

But if I was to be given that blessing?

What a day that would be.

Steven Hawking

A day like today needs no explanation.

Talking about it seems mundane and pointless.

It would only be repetitious and quite boring, even to me.

I did force myself out of the house to see Steven Hawking's movie.  I was first introduced to his genius in physics in the late 1990's.  Listening to him speak through a computer was fascinating.  What he had to say about the beginning of time, the origin of it, troubled me.

Steven did not at that time acknowledge the existence of God.  He was an outspoken atheist.  Outspoken in so far as disagreeing that any one being responsible for creating everything.  He was not an activist but rather a scientist who was spending his life trying to solve the final equation.

Time.

When did it start?

What started it?

His deductive reasoning skills captured and enthralled his audience so much so that they, too, began to ask those same questions.  Were they the result of a random cosmic explosion or........

Or what?

What was on the other side of "or?".

As I watched the movie I learned that Steven Hawking is still alive at age 72.  I began praying for him.  I prayed that he would find that God is on the other side of "or" and that He is the One who can fill in all of those questions.  It is God who created time, it is God who started time and in the end it will be God who ends time on this planet.

I pray that Steven Hawking learn about the relationship he can have with God through Jesus Christ.  That his sins will be forgiven and he can have a forever future in heaven free from pain and strife where we will know no end of time.

That's what I pray for him.  Maybe it's already happened.  Maybe it's going to happen.  Maybe it will never happen.  All I can do is ask God to put Christians in his life so that he can see how we live and the hope we have for a better tomorrow.

Because sometimes, that's all some of us need.

Hope.

Psychosomatic Seizures and More Tears

I spent the day inside.  I had one of those episodes where I almost passed out but I can't place a finger on why.  It's been so long since I've had one I'm shaken up.

I ate a protein breakfast at 9:30 a.m..  I was cleaning a little bit.  When I stood up from the floor my entire body started shaking (like a seizure) and I couldn't stop it.  I'd eaten just four hours earlier.  Figuring it was a drop in sugar, I decided to up my protein level, I grabbed two Greek yogurts and made it back to the couch.  By the time I finished the first one the shaking was diminishing.  By the time the second one was done it was better but still not good enough.  That's when I grabbed some peanut butter and a plain chocolate bar.  Once that was done I was fully okay.

I haven't eaten anything since then and it's six hours later.  I don't know what it was that caused my body to shake like that.  My first guess is severe stress.  That's how my seizures started in 2008.  It did feel the same but this time I was conscious.  This time I used my meal plan to problem solve.  This time even though I felt scared and panicky, I was able to think through what I could try and if it didn't work I'd call 911.

The scariest part was when my vision began to darken.  That's when I knew I was in trouble and had to get protein fast.  Feeling my legs weaken to the point of almost collapsing pushed me into survival mode.  I knew I didn't have time to cook anything in the oven nor did I have the stamina to cook anything on the stove top.  I had to think fast - very fast.

Since then I've been relaxing.  I haven't talked on the phone, I declined going out to hear a friend sing and I'm not calling anyone.

I do have something to report.  My Mom and I were talking the other day.  She asked about Kitten and I cried as I told her the story.  When I told her about some health problems Kitten was having she told me that maybe Kitten went off to be by herself as animals have a tendency to do.  She thinks Kitten went and found a peaceful place to curl up and leave this world.

That made me relax a little more.  I believe all animals go to Heaven since God created them.  And if they don't then God knows exactly where they are.  Either way, I take comfort knowing He has them in His loving care.

So when a friend called tonight to talk about something else and I told her I wasn't having a good day, then she wanted to know about Kitten, I instantly started to cry and told her I can't talk about it.  I am surprised at how quickly the sadness is coming out.  It feels tender and it feels deep.

I thought I was taking care of myself.

I guess there's always more to learn.

Even In Grief We Must Press On

Grieving the loss of my cat without her body is difficult.  I hear sentences in my mind that doubt she is really gone.  Even though she's been gone for twenty-two days and we've had some very cold temperatures, part of me is still holding onto hope for her return.

But here's the truth:  She's not coming home.  At least I have no proof or reason to believe she is coming home.  No one has seen her, I haven't heard her and I haven't received any phone calls from the tag she wears on her collar.

This is why I grieve.

I cry.
I pray to my Heavenly Father in a child's voice.
I cry some more.
I look at her picture.
I cry again.

Since I suffer from depression, grief adds to the suffering.  When I'm struggling to function with depression and the death of a pet or loved one is added to that suffering, I am fighting against the temptation to be on the couch all day.

I force myself to put on clean clothes, wash my hair, get out of the house with a friend and do some writing.  By the time the end of the day draws near, I'm functioning better.  Most of the time the depression returns and I plummet back down into the hole.

Today has been one of those days.  But today had one extra element.  I received my monthly deposit so that I could pay my bills.

Since I've been on disability it's been hard paying my bills.  Both short on cash and my mind not working right has caused some stress.  However, the last 3-4 months I've made some progress despite what I've been dealing with emotionally.  

God has pressed upon me that no matter what issues or struggles I'm going through, paying everyone first is a way of honoring Him.  That's what I've been doing and that's what I'll keep on doing through grief, stress and all those other emotions that I need to learn how to apply self-care.

I believe I am on my way!

Matthew 6:21

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

Grieving the Loss of a Pet

If you have ever rescued a cat you know it takes time to build trust.  Once that is established and the cat wants to go back outside again, every time you let them outside there is a possibility they won't come back.  Eight years ago I rescued a pregnant 2-3 year cat who became one of my indoor/outdoor pets.  She's always came back when she went outside.

Well, almost always.  A couple of months ago she was gone for sixteen days because she couldn't get out of my neighbors shed.  She was very glad to be found.  Even though I'd been walking around for days calling her name she never meowed until that day.

I've been hoping for the same set of circumstances this time around.  I've been walking around, calling her name, using my flashlight trying to find her.  The difference is I have not heard her meow.  I have no indication that she is in my area.

Worse is the weather we've been having.  Very cold temps in the low 30's down to the single digits.  Then up to the 50's for a couple of days.  I went looking for her all over and calling out her name.  I posted a flyer with her picture, my phone number and a suggestion for people to check their sheds.  Our mobile home park has very nice residents and a lot of us are animal lovers.

I received about 4-5 leads.  None of them panned out.

Everyday when I drive to the mailbox I look at all the homes, searching for her or any clue of her whereabouts.  Everyday I pray she's sitting on my porch when I pull into my parking spot, open my front door in the morning or open my door at night just to check.  When she's not there, I feel a twinge of pain in my gut and my eyes water.

Even my other cats give me cause to hope.  They sit at the window next to the door.  Whenever their heads look toward the ground and toward the door this little ray of hope shoots through my body as I get up and look to see if she is out there.  But she's not so I go back to sitting down and feeling sad all over again.

This past weekend we had warm temperatures and I couldn't bring myself to look for her.  I couldn't subject myself to anymore pain or "what ifs" or disappointments when I wouldn't find her.  The sadness of her not coming home was too much to bear.

Here are some of the thoughts I've had in my mind:

• Kitten probably froze to death because of her age
• Kitten could have been caught by a coyote
• Kitten could have wandered off and doesn't know how to get home
• What if Kitten has been sitting on my porch at night waiting for me but I never knew it?
• Even though Kitten has a collar and a name tag, she might not be around people
• If God wants Kitten to come home, He will lead her home
• I can trust God to do what is right for Kitten and for me
• The last time Kitten was missing, I poured out my heart to God and He heard me.
• God brought Kitten back last time but He may not do it this time.  
• It's okay to cry not knowing what happened to Kitten
• It's okay to cry missing Kitten
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is not at home so I can take care of her
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is all alone outside
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten isn't with me so I can hug and love her
• It's okay to cry feeling sad just because I feel sad.

Kitten has been part of my household for eight years. Not only did she have two litters of kittens but she also mothered another litter of kittens.  She was warm, affectionate and not afraid of my nieces.  She was so sweet.

My therapist reminded me that I'll always have good memories and pictures of her. I understand why she said that and I know it wasn't meant to take the hurt away.  It was meant to remind me that I'll always something that no one can ever take away from me.

• Self-Care:  Looking for Kitten, day after day, was hard.  Having my hopes up then feeling them go down was a rough roller coaster to ride.  It feels like I'm still on it.  I'm not shutting it down but I am not getting on the ride as often.  A healthy boundary has been put in place so that I don't cause undue pain - I have enough pain as it is.
• Writing down the facts about what could have caused Kitten to disappear and the rest of the list was helpful.  Seeing thoughts in black and white empties the part of my thought process that obsesses.

Grieving the loss of a pet is very important.  Holding those sad feelings inside can cause unhealthy behaviors in other areas.  I'm letting myself be sad pretty much any time the feelings surface.  Sometimes it will be more intense.  I know this from past experience.  I know I'll be okay.  

Even though these feelings are uncomfortable to feel, I know it's a way to honor Kitten.

Saying Good-bye To Kitten

This is my Kitten

This past weekend we had warm temps,again, after a string of very cold ones.  I held onto a little bit of hope that my cat who has been missing would show up.  I couldn't bring myself to look for her.  After no sightings, I didn't think my heart could take any more disappointments.

I looked for her both days outside of my house.  She did not show up.  

Today, I took a drive looking for her but as I suspected, no sign of her.

I've resolved that after twenty-one days, blustery winter temperatures and her age/health, she is probably not coming home.

I've begun the grieving process by crying for the loss of her love.

I know God can work miracles and I'm not closed to His will.

I know God lets us grieve our pets when it's time to let them go.

It's my hope that Kitten did not suffer.

She was a wonderful mom to two litters of kittens.

She sat in my lap for snugglies.

She will be greatly missed.

Ask For What You Need

As I was driving home I thought about a time when I reached the first crossroad of not cutting.

I was at Meier Clinics in Wheaton for their Out Patient Adult Program.  I'd been feeling rebellious and angry inside.  I wanted to cut up my arms but knew the stuff we were talking about was stirring up uncomfortable emotions.

One morning I decided to wear a t-shirt and my pajama pants to out patient.  It was uncharacteristic for me to wear clothes like those.  I also put all of my cutting tools into a brown paper bag and put it on the floor behind the driver seat of my car.

During break times the other patients and I would talk about our using - alcohol, drugs, cutting, anything we'd use to escape the craziness we felt.

I started doing some bragging by saying things like, "Yeah, technically I'm not breaking the rules because my tools are in my car and I didn't bring them in."  Then we'd start laughing.

Little did I know my therapist was made aware of what was going on.

Later that day, during our session, she confronted me about it. She asked what I had in the car.  I told her the specifics. She asked why I had them.  I told her I really wanted to give them to her so that she could dispose of them and I wouldn't know where they would be.

But when it came time to give them to her I froze.  I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of them.  She tried talking to me but nothing was getting through.  Then she said, "Amy, you brought those here to give to me so let's go get them so I have them."  I told her I had to walk down to the day room to get my keys.

She walked down with me, I grabbed my keys and my backpack.  As we were walking toward the door she said, "Can you leave your backpack in my office as a sign of good faith?"  I replied, "I've already shown you good faith."  "Yes, you have."

We walked out to my car.  As I was opening the car she wrote down my license plate number.  I opened the door then stood to the side.  She asked me where they were.  I motioned behind the back of the driver's seat and she reached down and took out the bag.  She looked inside, sighed a sad sigh then I closed the door.

We stood at the back of my car for a moment.  She asked how I felt.  I said relieved.  She asked if I'd like to come back in for a few minutes.  I said yes (which she later told me surprised her.).

Once we were in her office, she held me while I cried.  I felt very safe in her arms.  She had a way of affirming my efforts even if the way I'd done something was a little sideways.

Although I continued to cut after that day, the memory of giving her those tools and the hug after have been stored in this survivor's memory forever.  I'm very blessed to have had Carol as my therapist.  She helped me make permanent positive changes.

• Self-Care:  Going to therapy that day was hard.  Admitting tough struggles then sharing them with others is no small feat.  Trying to minimize them caught the attention of other counselors which is exactly how I was crying out for help.
• Talking with my therapist openly and honestly was scary.  I didn't want to be hospitalized; I wanted those tools out of my house and not in my garbage.  What I didn't know was how much I longed for a hug from Carol.  To let her hold me while I cried was a big step in our therapeutic relationship.

Thanksgiving Self-Care Style

This is me bundled up for the Turkey Trot

I am so tired yet I'm very proud of myself for the way I structured my day.

When my mom moved up to the north woods of Wisconsin, my one sister got married and my second sister was in college and involved with her now husband.  I had a friend and her family I would be with for Thanksgiving so the three of us were never together.  That was eighteen years ago.

A lot has changed.  I no longer have that friend and both sisters are still married with children and step children.  I've gone to new relatives houses or stayed at home.  I've had more choices which has been very good for the mental illness.

Today was my hometown's Turkey Trot.  It's a 4 mile run or 2 mile run/walk.  I volunteer on our Friends of the Library committee.  The Turkey Trot coordinators/volunteers help us at our Bunny Hop (Easter) then we volunteer at the Turkey Trot.

It was my first time volunteering at the Turkey Trot.  I serve with some of the loveliest ladies who fill my heart.  We do a lot of laughing and have so much fun.  

We were stationed on the highway that enters into our town.  We were privileged to shout and cheer for the veterans and young navy men from Great Lakes Naval Base who were going to eat their holiday meal in our town.  They were waving back with great enthusiasm and hanging out the bus windows.  They were escorted by police cars and fire trucks with their sirens blaring and P.O.W. / M.I.A. flags blowing in the wind on their motorcycles.  We were the only group welcoming them into town.  If I weren't so cold I would have had tears running down my face! 

Once the runners reached mile marker 3 (which is near where we were) all four of us were cheering them on and giving them a high five as they rounded the corner for the final mile.  So many of them thanked us for standing outside in the cold and wished us a Happy Thanksgiving.  We told them they'd be running downhill soon, thanks for participating and to enjoy the rest of their day.  It was especially exciting when a group would be passing through and all of their hands would be reaching out for encouragement or looking for a little connection as they ran that final mile.

When I came home it took about six hours to thaw out.  I ate my Thanksgiving lunch, talked to both of my sisters (I talked to my Mom last night) then rested.  After a couple of hours I felt the fatigue hit.  I had walked with a friend one mile to our station.  It felt good at the time but then WHAMMO! 

I just finished dinner and now I'm going to read the first two days of "The Purpose Driven Life," by Rick Warren.  My 15 year old niece and I are going to Starbucks tomorrow to see if this is the book she wants to read.  I'm trying to find a good one to disciple her and since she said this is one she's wanted to read it's where we are starting.

• Self-Care:  Thanksgiving is not just about what I'm thankful for but also about what I can do that will bring thanks to someone else.  Standing outside with temperatures in the low 20's for about 2 hours can bring thanks from event personnel, event participants, military personnel and veterans, co-volunteers and others you know nothing about.  
• I was invited to share Thanksgiving with others whom I love but I chose not to because I wanted some peace and quiet.  I was looking forward to this day and I loved it.
• Even though I keep looking for Kitten, in my soul I know God has her in the loving gentleness of His hands.  I don't feel sad right now.  I think I'm still holding onto hope that one day I'll drive up and she'll be sitting on my stoop.

Banging On A Friend's Door

I felt very scared this morning when a close friend did not answer her phone.

It wasn't that she didn't answer her phone the first time I called.
Or ten minutes later when I called again.
Or thirteen minutes when I called the third time.

You see, my friend and I talk every morning.
We usually go roaming around to get some of the depression gone.
Because the depression can take a nose dive, we made a deal.

If either one of us does not answer the phone after three phone calls, the other person comes over and makes a visual check.

That's what I had to do.  The last time I did this a friend of hers had picked her up so that's why her car was still in the driveway.  Instant relief.  But this time we had made plans to go out.  She normally warms up her car but the car was in the driveway with frost covering it.

I knocked loudly on her door.  I could hear the DVD playing.  I yelled her name.  The DVD repeated the same song.  I pounded on her door again and yelled her name.  Nothing.  I put my key into her locks and opened the door.

She was laying on the couch - no movement.

My breath stopped and my heart stood still.  And then...

She sat up.  She was surprised to see me.

Everything in me heaved a sigh of relief.

I thought she'd slipped into a diabetic coma or something else had happened.

I told her everything I'd been doing to try and reach her.  She was laughing (which is how she handles stress) then got up and got dressed.  I told her how scared I was thinking she had died.  Then I said, "I'm going to need a few minutes to process what just happened."

It jolted her into the reality of some papers that need to be finished.
It jolted me into making sure those get done.

My friend means a lot to me.

I pray that day of opening her door and finding her in the arms of Heaven doesn't happen too soon.

• Self-Care:  Getting up the courage to walk into an unknown situation takes a lot of faith.  Because I know the medical history of my friend, I know the possible dangers she can be in.  Therefore, I have to stick to the thirty minute reaction time no matter how scared I might be.  

Healing Is Hard Work

When the day is done and I'm finished interacting with people, the weight of what I'm carrying in my mind and my emotions resumes its heaviness.

If the phone rings, I put on the mask of pleasant conversation.  I'll share an outline of obligatory words that describe in very vague terms some of what I've been feeling but even with a trusted friend I will not reveal any of the details.

I sit on my couch, staring at this screen, wondering what to write.  I have no epiphany or poetry or wise words about what I'm experiencing.  No insight or spiritual awakening or story that explains the struggles or ties them together somehow for a specific purpose.

It's just one of those days that's coming to a close with the same heaviness I woke up with this morning.

I know God has a plan for all of it.

I know God will work it out for His good.

I know God will one day take this mess and make it good.

Until then, I work on it with my therapist.

I work on it daily.

I take my medication.

I work on my self-care and my food plan.

And I keep it touch with God so that I can hear what it is He wants me to do, be and become.

Using Word Pictures To Describe Depression

Scene from the movie, "Gettysburg."

I went to see my psychiatrist.  He's the best.  He's very upbeat, asks great questions, listens intently and makes suggestions that are up to you to decide - except medication adjustments.

With all that's been going on, I hadn't planned on how to describe the depression I've been feeling.  When he asked, "Amy, how have you been feeling lately?", I said, "Really, really heavy."  We talked about how this is the worst time of year for me.

Then I remembered one of my favorite DVD's and I gave him this word picture:

"I'm a Civil War buff.  I picture myself as a soldier in the civil war and I'm shooting other soldiers.  But then I get shot and I fall to the ground.  Then I claw at the ground trying to get to safety.  That's how I feel.  I'm clawing my way to safety."

My psychiatrist's reaction was interesting.  He told me that's when I should come into the hospital so he can make adjustments to my medications and I'll be safe.  I told him I wasn't suicidal nor did I want to self-injure.

I told him my therapist and I are tackling some sexual abuse stuff that's really deep.  He let out a big sigh and gave me a dose of encouragement and helpful advice about my eating issues.  He decided to increase one of my anti-depressants and warned me that it might cause the desire to want to eat more.  He wanted me to keep track of it with my therapist and do the hard work of getting through to the other side.  I told him I've worked through one perpetrator.  It's the other five I need to get through.

As always, I left that appointment feeling better than when I first went in.

I don't understand people who don't talk and tell the truth to their therapist and their doctors.  These people are trained to help you.  You go to them for help yet you don't tap into all the help they can give.  The professionals in my life are here because I chose them, with God's help, to be here.  If I didn't trust them they wouldn't be here.

So if you're struggling with finding the right words to tell someone how you feel, use a word picture like I did.  I find movies very helpful.  I hope you find one that works for you.

Dealing With A Lot - Final

I remain concerned about my cat who has been gone for twelve days.  It's hard not being able to find her.  Our weather has a couple of warmer temps so I'm hopeful she'll come out of hiding and be sitting on my porch.  There's a good chance I can crawl under my home with my flashlight to make sure she's not under there.

I continue to feel drained and very, very tired.  I struggle to keep my eyes open.  I'm sleeping better at night.  I'm dog sitting for a dear friend which is good.  I love these dogs.  One of them licks my face when I'm sleeping to let her out.  I don't get woken up like that at home.  It's usually a kitty paw on my face or someone pouncing on my tummy.

A few nights ago my mom called.  She had a major headache all day and went to see her doctor.  Mom had a TIA years ago so anytime she has something related to a stroke she has to see her doctor.  So far they've run a bunch of tests.  They haven't told her the results so she's guessing everything is okay.

She has a brain MRI scheduled for this Tuesday.  She does have a little more plaque on her brain.  She says it's normal because she's 71.

I received this phone call after my friend's husband had the large cancerous brain tumor removed and the night of Grandma Miller's wake.  I could barely have the conversation with my mom.

I felt like another bomb had been dropped.  Our conversation was short.  I hung up the phone and said, "Lord, I can't handle any more of anything."

The next morning I woke up with a killer migraine.  I took my meds and then my entire head went numb for about half an hour.  I should have taken myself to the emergency room but honestly, I had no energy to do anything.  The numbing came and went for about an hour and a half then it stopped.  Then I rested at home and didn't do anything.

• Self-Care:  Trying to use more boundaries is tricky.  Learning how to measure my ability to give takes practice but I think I did okay.  It's good to know what's practical to find my cat.  It's healthy to know if I can listen to my mom and if so, how much.  I didn't do good taking care of the numbness all over my head so I'll try to do better next time.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 3

Grandma and Grandpa Miller - taken Feb 2009

My sister called.  She wanted to let me know that Grandma Miller wasn't doing well.  The doctors didn't expect her to live much longer.  She would be leaving us soon.

When my sister married her husband, we were welcomed into a big family.  Grandma and Grandpa Miller were her husbands grandparents.  They were deeply in love with each other and it showed in the way they treated each other.

Grandpa Miller passed away three years ago.  I went to the wake and the funeral.  I felt very sad.  He was a warm and gentle man who had a radiant smile.  The pain of his passing hurt his wife, his children, his grandchildren and those whose lives he touched.  Ours included.

The next week  I was bringing my adult nephew home when I saw my sister at a stop sign.  I stopped, rolled down my window and said, "Hey!  Where you going?"  She said Grandma has taken a turn for the worse and she was going to go sit with her.  I asked if she wanted me to be there and she said yes.

I asked my nephew if she knew where  Grandma was.  He gave me the information.  But when I circled the parking lot my sister's car was not there.  Just then my sister called.  My nephew didn't know she'd been moved to another facility I knew about but my sister said not to make the drive.  She said something is telling her not to leave.  She was understandably upset and crying.

I talked with her for a few minutes then she said she'd call me back.  I began to drive home.  When I was about five miles from home my cell phone rang again.  I answered it and heard my sister crying.  Grandma Miller had passed away and she was there to hold her hand and hear her final breaths.

I found a place to park.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks for the pain of my sister and the loss of Grandma Miller.  She asked me for some advice about what to because hospice was involved and I gave her what I thought the family would most like to know.  She described the process of Grandma Miller dying and wondered if her stepson, Aaron, had gone through the same thing.

Aaron died from huffing in April 2010.  I was asked to be on watch that day when Aaron's ventilator was turned off.  I told her how Aaron died and it was not the same as Grandma Miller.

I knew Grandma Miller for 12 years.  She was at every family function.  There were times I would sit and talk to here.  I always gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her skin was so soft as were her eyes and her smile.

I'm sad she is gone.  The day of her wake I was so mentally drained I could barely function.  I know the family understands but still....

I wanted to say good-bye.

• Self Care:  Pulling off the road to continue conversation with sister was the right decision even though I was almost home.  Feeling the sadness about my sister being sad and my own sadness was very healthy.  Being able to give my sister insight into Aaron's death was helpful to her.  Not focusing on the sadness but on the warm memories of Grandma Miller helps the grieving process especially when the relationship isn't that close.  Knowing my brother-in-law understood I may not be able to attend the wake gave me permission to stay home which I ended up doing.  No false or exaggerated grieving.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 2

When life is running at mock speed it can be a lot to handle.  If I am in a good place emotionally and mentally, I hardly notice the pace I am running.  If I am struggling to keep each plate spinning so it doesn't crash to the ground, that's going to take more energy that I have stored up.

I have a friend who is also on disability.  In handling stress and our outlook on life, we couldn't be more different.  She has the philosophy, "The sky is falling!" and I live by, "There's always another answer.".  Whenever something changes in her world that she wasn't expecting, she literally flips out.  I, on the other hand, have learned to roll with it and do the next right thing.

Why are we so different?  I grew up in twelve step groups like Alateen, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups that challenged my stinking thinking.  Everything that happened to me wasn't about me.  The universe didn't revolve around me.  I was part of God's design and plan in this world and it was my responsibility to find out where He wanted me to be and do.  

We spend a lot of time together because getting out of the house when you're disabled is good. It's good for the depression and it's good for the exercise.  Sometimes it's good to go to stores or take a drive.

• During the past couple of weeks, she had to look for a new medical plan.  This has been very upsetting for her.  So much so that she's been crying at home, at her therapist's office and been an anxious wreck.  I do not fault her for how she feels - she is scared and at the age where what she selects will effect her in the next four years.  I offered to help since my brain was working pretty good and I know my help would decrease her stress.  What I took on (and I knew this when I offered to help) was hand holding and being the liaison between she and the health rep.  I was able to translate into simple words why the plan was good/bad, the concept of not being focused on the premium amount as the deciding factor but the value of the policy as a whole and things like that.  Even though stressful events entered my life after the fact, I felt my decision to help my friend was a good choice overall.
• Self Care:  When I offer to help someone, I'm going to help them the very best I can.  In order to so I have to take personal inventory on every level and be honest with myself:
• Am I mentally able to take on this task?
• Am I physically able to travel?
• Am I in a good place spiritually to hear God's guidance?
• Am I able to verbally communicate in a sensible manner?
• If I can answer, "Yes" to all of these questions, then I can move forward and help someone in need.

Helping someone in need can be draining.  I was drained when this task ended yesterday.  I was drained because I had about five other draining events happening in my life at the same time.  Had this been the only event, I would not have felt depleted.

I love my friend.  She is making progress and I am proud of her for that.  I believe there will come a day when her belief in herself will be stronger and her outlook on life will not be that of a victim but that of one who has been set free to live in the glorious freedom of Jesus Christ.

All of us have access to His love and freedom from the bondage of Satan.

I gave my whole heart to Jesus in March of 1988.

You can give yours today.