Star Trek and Sexual Abuse

The Next Generation is my favorite Star Trek series.
After my back surgery I lived with friends who helped me get addicted to it.
When I was recovering, this show lifted my spirits.
Listen to the all familiar theme song.



It pumps me up every time.

The churning of sexual abuse memories inside of me is much like the frontier of the Star Ship Enterprise 1701-D.  In fact, I wrote my own words for the theme song.  Then I listened to the theme song as I read the below.

Sexual Abuse.
The Never Ending Frontier.
These are the voyages of courageous warriors.
Their continuing mission, to explore memories & pain,
To seek out new coping skills and new ways to express feelings,
To boldly go where their recovery must go.

I know the path I'm on is a very difficult one.  With six abusers from age four to twenty-two it makes dealing with it that much harder.  I have vivid memories for five of the six.  My mom told me about the other one.

I knew trying to lose weight was going to bring this up.  I thought I was prepared for it but I guess I'm never really prepared.  I thought Carol and I (my therapist from 2006-2010) worked through a lot of it but apparently not as much as I thought.

I wonder if attending group therapy will help?  Do I read a book? Journal on my blog?  Talk about it?

Then there are the death anniversaries that skated by.

Cathy 2-9-08 (7 yrs)  My sister'a best friend, the one person who understood me.
Dad 2-21-08 (7 yrs)  Even though our relationship was ugly, he was still my dad
Shirley 7-??-08 (7 Yrs)  She was like my second mom for twelve years
Maryla 11-??-08 (7 yrs)  I helped my sister take care of her and talked to her about Jesus

Now I'm approaching the five year anniversary of my nephew Aaron's death.  It's awful.  My mom called yesterday.  We were chit chatting when she asked a question.  It was about how Aaron died.  You see, Aaron was on life support for five days.  I was at the hospital a lot, including when he took his last breath.  I'll probably tell the entire story like I do this time of year in a week or two.  My mom was crying and needed to know some things that I could answer.  What I told her put her fears to rest.  She's at peace knowing Aaron is at peace.

That's what I want for myself - peace.

Peace doesn't have fear wrapped around my body.
Fear from the past is wrapped around my body.
Peace has peace in the form of Christ protecting me.
Protection in the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6:10-20
I want to find out how to put that on daily-
Not eat to sustain being overweight.

Who Will Win?

Depression.  Disconnected.  Energy Lost.  Positive Gone.  Regression. Everything Sucks.  Sad Eyes.  Sorrowful Spirit. Inner Downcast.  One Thought.  No Socializing.

I'm truly messed up.
Told it's the sexual abuse surfacing again.
Not my meds.
I have to figure out a way through this.
Love to.
Show me how.

I'd rather eat.
I'd rather isolate.
I'd rather hide in serving.
I'd rather hide in movies.
I'd rather hide in church.
I'd rather hide.

If seeing is believing,
Much of what I see is good.

If feeling is believing,
Much of what I feel is hurt.

If trusting is believing,
Much of what I trust is very little.

If loving is believing,
Much of who I love is real.

I don't want to talk yet about the demons dressed in sexual abuse.  I don't want to go there because the pain, right now, is too much to bare.  I'll get there soon though because, if anything, I'm a woman who fights to heal.

If fighting is believing,
The internal battle will be won.

When Your Therapist Calls In Sick

My therapist, Faith and I, have been diligently working on issues of my heart and soul.  Things I've written about in the last week or two that need to be uprooted.  Some of them need to be thinned out, some relocated and some discarded altogether.

This week was going to be revising my treatment plan, finishing the review of my food/mood log from last time and maybe squeezing in this week's food/mood log.  It was a lofty goal but that's how I am.  

She, on the other hand, likes to slow down the pace and talk about the in between stuff.  Emotions is her number one topic.  Identify feelings that were happening in the midst of situations while I breeze through the situation virtually feelings unaware.  I get frustrated when I have to stop and think about the feeling.  To me it's a waste of time.  But to my therapist, who is trying to show me the value of feelings and how they play a key role in my decision making, glossing over those feelings is detrimental to my emotional, mental and spiritual heath.

Last night I put together what I was bringing to therapy today.  I didn't feel a sense of urgency but I knew whatever I was going to talk about with Faith would help me talk to my Psych this afternoon.  I felt prepared, I felt peaceful, I felt I was doing okay despite all I was juggling.

My appointment with Faith is at 9:00 a.m..  Last night I could not get to sleep until almost 1:00 a.m..  I set the alarm for 7:00 a.m. knowing my snooze button would be used a few times.  I was running on time.  I was putting on my jacket when the phone rang.  My first thought was my appointment is being canceled because Faith is sick.  I picked up the phone and sure enough that was the reason.

At first I was bummed.  Even though I had no pressing agenda, seeing Faith and listening to her wise biblical counsel gives me hope and courage to pursue what is good and righteous in God's eyes.  I was sad because she has a nice smile that is evident when she's giving me encouragement and insight.  I felt a little tender because I care about her as my sister in Christ so I prayed a prayer of healing.

Here's what I didn't do:

• I did not get angry because she had it out for me - this is a lie
• I did not feel abandoned because that's not in Faith's character
• I did not panic because I was asked if I had another appt set up - I will see Faith on Tuesday
• I did not catastrophize because there was no evidence that Faith is terminally ill
• I do not worry about Faith because she is putting her self-care into action

When my therapist calls in sick, I feel sad because I'll miss our time together.

Thankfully, God gives us next week so that her sickness may be healed and we can be Ambassadors of Christ to one another.

Depression or Not?

Depression is physically heavy.  At least it is for me.  It starts out invading my sleep by keeping me awake longer.  It wakes me up during the night with vivid dreams.  I wake early in the morning tired from the activity in my dreams.

But wait.  Is all of that depression?

Part of it is.  Part of it isn't.

What about this:  I have a seizure like the ones I had 5-7 years ago.  Only one.  Then I have body movements in my neck and shoulders.  Frequently but not 24/7.

Is this depression?

I don't know.

Next come the headaches and then the migraines.  I haven't had those for at least one and a half years.  I take over the counter medicine for the headaches.  I take a prescription medication for the migraines.  If I have a migraine for three days I have to go to the emergency room to get a heavy duty pain killer.  It lasts for two days, skips a few days, then comes back.

Is this depression?

More than likely.

The tremors I have in my hands are worse.  It's more difficult to write, to cook, to button my shirt and to put on my shoes.  It's worrisome because even as I'm typing my hands are shaking so I have to slow down quite a bit.

Is this depression?

I don't know.

I'm no longer eating chocolate, I've changed what/how I'm eating (lost 3 pounds last week) and I'm trying to go for short walks even if my balance isn't perfect.

When I woke up Monday I felt something was definitely wrong with my brain.  It's hard to describe.  It's like the neurotransmitters went home and they aren't there any more.  No electrical charges.  Nothing stimulating the brain.  That's when I called my Psych.  I have an appointment for tomorrow.  I'm bringing a copy of this with me.

Truth be told, I'm neither afraid nor surprised that the sexual abuse issues that haven't been fully healed are surfacing.  My heaviness, an extra 80 pounds, has put a physical wall of fat around me not only for protection but also for intimidation.  Whenever I feel there's a threat, I know I can take a guy out because of my deep seeded rage, my ability to stare someone down and my size to act as a protective shield or warrior.  I have a knife by my bed and I'm not afraid to use it.

Anyway, He'll be able to say what is depression and what is sexual abuse or if it's both.  I hope to have a resolution so I can move forward in a healthy way that causes positive change.  I really want to be mentally well.

Movies & Feeling Better

Do you have a favorite coping thing you like to do that alleviates your depression or other mental illness symptom?  I have a list of them that I wrote up during a hospitalization a few years ago.  I recently pulled out a plastic box that holds most of those choices.  But there's one thing I love to do and I've been doing it for the last three or four weeks.  MOVIES.

I have complete sets of DVDs I'll never get rid of:

1. Rambo
2. Rocky
3. Marvel's Super Heroes
4. The last three Batman movies
5. Transformers
6. The Bourne series
7. Pearl Harbor
8. Extended Edition of the Lord of the Rings
9. JAG (still building)
10. West Wing
11. Star Wars

Each of these collections satisfies a mood I'm in especially when I'm looking for something to last longer than 2-3 hours/ Sometimes I need a movie to last 2-3 days.  

Lately it feels as if my medication isn't working right.  I left a message on my psychiatrist's voice mail yesterday, hoping to get in to see him in the next day or two.  I feel panicky and the urge to break out of my surroundings.  I talked yesterday about what's causing it.  Maybe I should call my therapist, too. 

Knowing God is in control brings relief to the wackiness I feel but I must be honest and say He doesn't remove the wackiness.  Medication is the only thing that does it. 

My ultimate favorite movie is The Avengers.  

Kudos to Stan Lee for putting in these lines:

I pray you have a good day.

One where your hands are open, like mine are, 

to the God who heals all the hard stuff and

to the God who gives us so much good stuff.

Sometimes, I Guess There Just Aren't Enough Rocks

The movie, "Forrest Gump," remains one of my favorites.  It's about a young man who's mother teaches him that he is no different from anyone else even though the boy knows this isn't true.  His life is touched by remarkable encounters from having his legs straightened so that he could run, to serving in Vietnam, to being a shrimp boat captain to loving only one woman his entire life.

This scene in the movie is with that childhood friend that Forrest gave solace to.  He did not know the deep pain she lived in until this moment.  At the end, he sums it up perfectly.




Jenny's character speaks to a lot of us who were sexually abused by our Dad's.  Those memories are seared into our minds and they can flash up out of nowhere.  I find them startling.

The last couple of weeks (or maybe longer) I've been afraid to go to sleep.  I stay on the couch longer.  My dreams are more vivid.  Though they are not sexual abuse related they are about power or anger or another strong emotion.  My appetite is down.  I have too many headaches and a couple of migraines.  What does all of this mean?

Those are signals that the sexual abuse memories are being stirred up inside of me.  It's no surprise really now that I'm focusing on losing weight.  Truth is, there's no getting used to it's predictability. Just like being abused, even though you sense it coming, it's not for sure until it happens.

So the depression has gotten heavier.

My voice has gotten quieter.

My eating has gotten regulated.

My sleeping has gotten lighter.

My medication is taken twice a day.

My social life is picky.

My therapy is weekly.

My psychiatrist is monthly.

I do what I can, for as long as I can and then I rest.

I hope to add walking but that's like dragging an elephant.

Lord, I need you now.