"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Pet 1:6-7 NIV)
About This Blog
My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!
I don't have much to say.
I'm pretty tired.
I look around the house and see many piles that need attention.
I haven't eaten yet.
No biggie because I've overeaten for the last few days.
I hate that about myself.
Tonight we set our clocks ahead one hour.
At least I'll have one less hour to try and fill with something.
Maybe I can find something positive to do.
I need to write more about the grieving.
I don't like it yet I don't want to stop part way.
It will be okay.
Anyway, I don't feel much like writing.
I haven't seen the movie yet. I plan to soon. I have a hard time watching Jesus die. Here's a snippet from my Pastor, Bill Hybels, about the movie, "Son of God."
My mind feels like scrambled eggs. I don't think I'm having a panic attack or any other kind of mental misfortune. I think it's as simple as trying to function in this world we live in and it's just getting to me.
I know it's important not to isolate unless being by myself is going to be productive. For example, helping me feel safe, working on some house chores or doing some coping skill activities.
This time, I knew being out of my house would do me some good. Or at least I was hoping it would. Since I got paid this week, I had to pick up some things. I made a list and spread it out over four days. Not intentionally - it just worked out that way.
It was working okay until yesterday. I started to feel so drained and again, so tired. I started a new medication and another was increased. All I want to do is sleep.
That's what I'm doing today.
Sleep.
Usually I watch movies that don't have much meaning like comedies. Some of my favorites are What About Bob, My Fellow Americans, both Sister Act movies and one sort of meaningful movie like Enemy of the State.
I'm so glad I didn't go to therapy this week. I truly would have wasted Faith's time and my time. It's so nice having another therapist who trusts their client to make the right decision.
I've read in grieving books, self help books and other books that being overly tired is a symptom of something going on. It can be physical - like the flu or infection. It can be mental - like depression or new medication. It can be emotional - like the ending of a relationship or the start of a new job. It can be spiritual - like spiritual warfare or intercessory prayer.
Those are just some reasons someone can be more tired than usual. My reason right now is all four of them. I've been through this before but still, it's draining and still a little surprising.
Physically I'm tired because some of my medications are being changed. I've noticed how tired I become when the sun goes down. It's not a little tired - it's the kind of tired where I literally have to push myself to stay awake until 8:00 p.m.
Mentally I'm tired because of the writing I'm doing about the multiple deaths that took place six years ago. Deaths I never grieved. It takes a lot of thought to connect them to feelings. It also takes a lot of brain work to concentrate and write out how I think I'm feeling.
Emotionally I'm tired because all this work is very draining. I know it's good work to do and I know I will benefit once I'm done. I feel overwhelmed most of the time and emotionally exhausted the other time. I've been disconnected from my emotions for so long trying to identify them is sometimes very time consuming.
Spiritually I'm tired because I feel as though I'm in constant spiritual warfare. I know Satan does not want me to heal from all of this because he wants to keep me bound up in the wounds of the past. Every step forward I make is one step he goes after to try and erase. I'm trying my best to stick close to God so that I won't lose my footing and fall. God's the only one who can help me. He's promised never to leave me and never to forsake me.
I've accepted this phase in my development knowing it won't last forever. It might last for awhile and that's okay. As long as I'm walking with my Lord and Savior I'll be okay.
Most of us are used to hearing, "If something is going to hurt you or lead you down a path that ultimately ends in some type of destruction, saying "no" is the best way to protect yourself and those you love.
That's exactly right. I've used that logic several times over the years. I've saved myself and my family from certain pain because I took a few seconds or longer to think through what the results of my actions could be.
I imagine myself being fired from a job I enjoyed because I was reacting out of anger. I imagine myself being sad as I walked away from a friendship I thought would never end because I wouldn't forgive. I imagine my head being downcast the rest of my life as I lived in isolation because I was too scared to confront the abuse that tore apart my body.
Those are just a few examples of situations I turned around and chose to work on even though the work was incredibly hard.
What about the flip side?
What if a situation presents itself, you've spent time thinking and praying about it, you get the go ahead and yet you decide to say, "no?"
What does that say about you?
It says a lot of healthy stuff. It says you are not motivated by the "yes" as much as you are motivated by the "yes" plus other factors. It says you are motivated by God in your "yes" and there are times He will let you make the final decision. It says you have the freedom to make the choice based on your values, beliefs, what Scripture says and the counsel you've received.
Sometimes, the choice you make, cannot be the wrong choice. Sometimes, either choice is approved of by God. Sometimes, He takes His influence away and let's you decide for yourself.
God as our Father, God as Jesus and God as Holy Spirit are always with us once we accept the gift of forgiveness of our sins and the gift of eternal life that Jesus freely gave us through His death on the cross.
The following signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. The risk of suicide is greater if a behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss, or change. If you or someone you know exhibits any of these signs, seek help as soon as possible by calling the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves.
Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online or buying a gun
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
Many times, like now, I go through this list to determine whether or not I am feeling suicidal or if I'm just sad, grieving or some other emotion. It's very helpful to know that all of my feelings are not necessarily suicidal. It's also helpful to know when I am feeling suicidal to put my coping plan in place which includes a phone call to my psychiatrist and my therapist.
I've learned there's nothing to be afraid of if I am feeling suicidal. It means I'm feeling some emotions intensely and I need to get those rpm's down. There's no need to overreact by hurting myself and hurting those who love me. I have access to some of the best medical and professional help to get me back on the right track.
And what about the greatest Helper of them all? What about God? He's already told me it's not time for me to come home yet. I have more work of His to do. If I truly love Him and want to live a life that pleases Him, I will keep my focus on His plan for my life instead of my selfish plan to end my life.
When days get hard, and believe me, my days are very hard right now, even the thought of suicide entering my mind saddens me. Something inside of me wants to die. But here's the good news. That part of me is minuscule compared to the giant inside of me that fights to live.
I'm fighting to live, everyday, during this time in my life.
Through experience, I've learned running from your problems doesn't solve anything. It only puts off what needs to be dealt with right away. No matter what, the problem will still be there.
When I was in high school, running away from my problems was the best decision. I couldn't handle confronting the sexual abuse and physical abuse. Even though my Dad had already moved out the residue of the abuse was still with me. Talking with my school counselor and my school social worker was too scary. Instead, I talked about what I could and hid the rest.
In twelve step groups, I would tell my story at open AA meetings. I told about some of the abuse but did not disclose too much. It was too painful.
It wasn't until I became a Christian and entered into Christian counseling that I learned the value of confronting your problems instead of running from them. I had a friend who helped me understand how Jesus was with me during the abuse and was crying when it happened. I couldn't imagine such love for me.
As my mental and physical worlds began to unravel, I made a commitment to stop running and start walking through my problems. God has sent three wonderful therapists and we're not through yet. I'm still walking and the problems aren't as debilitating.
With the support of friends, a therapist, medication, my family and a loving God, I no longer have to be afraid of my problems. If they are scary, I can write or talk about them. The feelings I have do not have to control how good or bad I feel.
And if I do choose to run?
I can always turn around and come back home.
The Bible is full of verses proclaiming His desire to transform us into the image of Christ. His desire is to remove the sin of this world that has settled into my spirit as "normal."
Satan's ways are not His ways. Satan's ways are not my ways. Satan's snares are not what God desires for my way of living. Satan's way of living keeps me in emotional turmoil and bondage. God's ways keep me emotionally healthy and free.
God is my coach, my drill instructor, my running partner and my cheerleader.
Satan is the one who pulls me off course, offers alcohol, gives me tools to cut and tempts me with food so I'll over eat. Satan says he'll be the best coach I'll ever have and he has yet to show up for one practice.
Who would you trust with your training for healing?
Here is a three part teaching from International Bible Teacher Beth Moore I think you'll enjoy.
