I'm not alone when I say how difficult it is to tell someone they've hurt you. I've been hurt by many people in many ways. I've also hurt people without knowing it.
As a child, I was powerless over someone hurting me. I was told to stay quiet, don't tell and threatened with additional hurt: "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about." What awful words to say to an already hurting child. I would rather have had a punishment that fit the crime, a talking to without the smell of beer and bloodshot eyes and the use of his hands on my body. I yearned for a hug when I was hurting; not more hurting. But seldom do a child's wishes come true when the disease of alcoholism is running the home and there is no safe place to hide.
As a teenager, when I began recovery, I had no idea how messed up I was and how long it would take to build a self-worth and self-esteem. Had I known then what I know now, I'd tell myself the road is going to be a long one with many rest areas along the way. There will be smelly gas station bathrooms, wrong turns and weather conditions that aren't ideal. Some roads will be traveled only once and others many times. I will be under construction longer than I hoped but the changes will become more permanent. I will grow used to the traffic patterns and make necessary adjustments along the way. Most of the adult workers will be good guides and some of them won't. Even if the destination looks out of reach, one day, I will get there.
I don't like telling people they've done or said something that hurt me. It's very hard to do. I've had to tell my Dad, my Mom, friends, my therapists and even my doctor.
I've had to....
Speak
Speak the Truth
Speak the Truth In Love
As an adult, speaking can still be hard to do. I'm a much better writer than I am a talker. If I could go through this life using only this blog, messaging and email, I'd feel the freedom of a giant inside. I love God with all of my being but I must be honest and say how bummed I felt when I learned He created us to be relational. That means speaking - not writing.
Once I've swallowed the reality that I'm going to have to speak to someone, then speaking the truth becomes a little easier. I live my life based ON truth and IN truth. The trick is whether or not I can get to the bottom of what the truth is. This is when I rely on the facts and then the feelings. You've probably heard it said, "Feelings are not facts." True. But I, as a feelings person, rely on my feelings to tell me when something is right or wrong. An example would be feeling angry when I catch someone in a lie. Even though the lie came first and then my feeling, I still have to communicate the lie and how it made me feel. I've been taught, by the mental health field, to use a statement such as this: "When you lied about calling in my prescription, I felt angry. Next time could you please tell me the truth?"
Sounds a bit harsh, right? I agree. Instead of leading off with the fact, I begin by recreating the scene. This serves to jog their memory and warm them up to the truth I need to say: "When you called and told me my prescription would be called into my pharmacy in ten minutes, I felt relieved because I was already two days without it. But when I called the pharmacy and even on the next day it still hadn't been called in, I felt angry and lied to." State the fact then my feeling. Speaking the truth.
The final step (for me) can be the most challenging if I haven't cleaned up my side of the street first. What I mean by that is asking myself if I did anything to cause this hurt and then forgiving the person as I would want to be forgiven. Am I harboring ill will toward that individual? Is the word, "homicide," a large part of my everyday living when I think about what this person "did" to me? If so, I back myself up and wait. I make myself wait so that I don't add unnecessary injury (not literally) to the person(s) who harmed me. Have I worked it all out of my system with the help of God? My therapist? My friends? When I can say, "Yes," only then can I confront and resolve the issue(s) with that person. Speaking the truth in love means I am in control of my emotions but not pretending everything is okay. I am honest but do not cause injury with my words. I am forgiving because Jesus forgave me.
Speaking the truth in love teaches me how to treat others and it teaches others how to treat me.
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
The Art of Worrying
There's no doubt I have a lot on my mind that I'm not sure how to sort through it. I visualize inside my head many file cabinets to put my thoughts into once I have overcome the stress and worry. They are neatly tucked away and the drawer is shut. Whatever issue was consuming my emotional well-being was resolved and finished. You'd think after so many years in recovery, so many books read, years of church attendance and volunteering and leading others, so many times reading and memorizing scripture, so many years of therapy and hospitalizations, that the worry and fear of having done something wrong and feeling like someone is mad at me when there is not one shred of evidence wouldn't enter my head and I wouldn't feel sick to my stomach. I am thinking it now. Not just about a person but about my life. As it is today. Compared to no one. The blog I wrote about legalizing same sex marriage....that was raw. I don't share that part of my past because I'm afraid of what my friends will think of me. I feel sad inside. I know I can spout out all of the positive I've seen God do in and through me and yet....I still feel sad. I need to have a serious talk with one of my doctors. I don't want to do it because I'm afraid. Afraid that if I confront the unacceptable situation I was put in, he'll drop me as a patient. I tell myself that he'd want to know what I have to say and in three years I've trusted him for my mental care and not once was the ball dropped. This was a big drop....I feel afraid. My car has a repair list that requires money I don't have. Suspension, brakes, side mirror and other things I can't remember. I feel helpless and afraid. It's not like God hasn't provided for my every need because He's done that and beyond. It's not like I have friends who are willing to help and reassure me not to worry. It just reminds me of the mental illness and back disabilities that caused me to not be able to work anymore. I remember the day God gave me that car. I remember the girls at work all wanting a ride so we piled in and cranked the tunes. I remember the day I paid it off - the day the title arrived in the mail. You see, the engine runs perfectly and only has 124K. The last Saturn I owned got up to 250K. All good things. And yet....I feel scared, helpless and afraid. I keep telling myself that other people would love to switch places with me. Their problems are a lot more complex or involve their family or where they'll live or their health. So I guess there's only one thing left to say: The art of worrying is the result of not trusting that everything is going to be okay.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
My Story As It Relates To Legalizing Same Sex Marriage
"The U.S. Supreme Court legalized marriage for same-sex couples in all 50 states."
Like most decisions made in our land, a lot of people have very strong emotions and opinions about why they believe what they believe. This ruling is no different. There are heated debates, professional commentators arguing for and against the ruling and even on Facebook some of my friends have surprised me. Not because of what they believe but because of what they say to those with whom they disagree. It saddens me.
When I was growing up and being abused by multiple men and women physically, sexually, etc. it messed me up. It messed me up in more ways than I can tell you. The healing from that damage has taken 34 years so far and continues to this day. Thank God for trained professionals.
During Junior High when most young people are forming friendships and some are dating, I was hiding inside myself because I knew nobody would like me. But I had a teacher who showed kindness toward me. At that young age, with limited knowledge about love, I believe I fell in love with her. It wasn't sexual love - it was tenderness. She gave me the attention I was starving for at home. I wanted to attach myself to her (emotionally) but I think I freaked her out. It wasn't common for someone my age (11) to grow an attachment to another adult so deeply but I did. Eventually she had to get rid of me. She even grew angry at me which hurt like nothing I'd ever felt.
I had some dates in Junior High. I didn't date at all in High School with anyone from my school. I was in Alateen and met a sweet guy who went to another High School. We dated for awhile but then he met someone who would have sex with him. That's something I knew I never wanted to do. The next guy wanted the same thing and even though we were engaged, I never gave in. He left because it.
When I was in therapy at 15 years old, the counselor thought I was gay and told me so for many years. I didn't know much about that word except it was two people of the same sex having sex. I argued with her each time it was brought up. I don't know why she thought I was gay other than I looked like a boy in the way I dressed, I had a tough exterior and wore my bangs long so they covered my eyes. I like to think she misunderstood being gay for the sexual abuse protection I put around myself.
My first true love was a female. She gave me all the love and friendship I was starving for and I gave it to her in return. She was married, had a house, kids and a dog. We related to each other on many levels yet she was my mom's age. I'd do anything for her. She was the first person I had sexual feelings toward. It scared me. I never told her but I think she knew. She ended our relationship in a restaurant without any warning and a poor reason. I was shattered. I vowed to never trust anyone again. And I didn't.
Not until I met a woman who nurtured my past hurts. Our relationship just sort of happened. She ended up divorcing her husband and we moved in together. After I met her I gave my life to Jesus. I brought this lesbian relationship up to my Christian counselor. She told me that back in those days, men were leaving their wives for other men. That's why it's in the old testament. I knew nothing much about the Bible so it made sense to me. But it never felt right. It wasn't the woman, it was the lifestyle. I ended the relationship after three years and tried to move on but then there was this other woman.
She was able to get passed the Bible verses. She intrigued me. Due to a set of circumstances, I moved in with her and was very happy. We lived a great life, I loved her like no other, the sex was safe and satisfying and she even gave me a ring. I was "out" of the closet, my family knew but then I had to tell my leader at church. I still felt this twinge inside that this kind of relationship still wasn't right in the eyes of God. I was given an ultimatum by the Elders to either end the relationship or step down from serving in the church. I decided that no one had the right to tell me what to do on my journey with God so I stepped down and didn't go back for almost a year.
During the next year I asked God or maybe even pleaded with Him, "Please tell me who you made me to be sexually so that I never waiver again." God answered that prayer months later through a lesbian wedding where I knew what I was witnessing was against God's plan for His children then through a radio station that quoted this verse:
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.
And finally, during the week of June 17-24, 1993, I kept hearing more and more teaching on the radio that felt like God was speaking directly to me. In the end, I had my answer: I was not gay and this lifestyle is preventing me from doing His work in the church and in the lives of others.
I ended that relationship and she understood. She really understood. I had to make many hard changes like moving away from the lesbian community I'd grown to love and become a part of, returning to church and having to explain to a few people that YES, I now had a solid understanding of who I was in God's eyes and I went to my first singles retreat. I met a group of single people who were fun. I could trust them and later ended up on the leadership team and telling my story at a retreat. The name of the group was John 8:32 which says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."
Along the way, God has brought women who love me regardless of my past. None of them, so far, have been surprised at my gay involvement. It's the most vulnerable part of my story - afraid of being judged or looked upon as dirty. I'm beyond grateful to God for His grace and never ending love in this and so many other areas of my life.
Words are powerful. They can edify and destroy. They can give love or anger. They can cause someone to hold their head up high or bow their head down in shame. What do your words say about you?
Words cannot be taken back once the tongue has spoken them. This is a passage from James 3:7-12 that reminds me to think before I speak no matter how passionate I feel about a subject, especially one I do not agree to support.
"7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring."
My opinion about legalizing same sex marriage is simple. As a Christian, God made man and woman to support one another under the law of marriage. Because of my belief, even though my experience in the lesbian community was filled with love and acceptance, I disagree with the ruling. Does that mean I dislike the people? Of course not. Jesus taught us to love everyone and that's how I try to live my life.
But I will tell you this. It hasn't been easy. There are times I wonder why some people get to live in a safe community and I have to live in this harsh world. I feel sorry for myself. But then I remember the three Christians who asked me how I knew I wasn't gay. I shared my story just like I did above. I never told them what was right or what was wrong for them. What I told them is that it's a personal decision between them and God. If you have any doubts, pray about it. God will surely answer your prayer because He wants what's best for you.
In closing, if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus (asking Him to forgive your sin, come into your heart and be your Savior) that's a lot more important than whether you are gay or straight. Get that settled first.
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