Weight Loss Discouraged

I'm feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss.

I was transferring information from my 2013 calendar to this year's calendar.  Last year I kept track of my weight on a weekly basis.  I'm doing the same this year.

This time last year I weighed eight pounds less.  Not only have I gained eight pounds but somewhere along the line I made a decision not to lose any more weight.  Or did I?



So many times I've met or seen people who have gained a lot of weight due to mental wellness medications.  I struggle with medications working for short periods of time so changing them becomes a regular part of my treatment.  That messes with my metabolism.

I'm also forty-six years old.  My age plays a natural part in my metabolism beginning to slow down. If I'm not physically active, what I eat shows up on my body.

Having the right medications is essential - gaining some weight is a side effect.
I eat when I'm depressed and depression is my main mental illness.
My slower metabolism is predictable - changing how I eat and exercising can help lower my weight.

Here's the thing.
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
I've been fat most of my life.

I'm incredibly unhappy with all this extra weight no matter where it came from.
I want to be thin, I really do.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.....
and slow.

" I am" - Remembering

This is one of those days when I need to remind myself of where I came from.

It's not because I have lost faith or given up or have self-injured or compromised my sobriety.

It's because I need to remember all the hard work I've done to get to where I am.  To encourage myself to keep trudging down this road of healing.  To not give up.

"I am LOVED"  This five letter word is what drew me toward a Higher Power when I was fourteen years old.  I started my spiritual journey in Alateen, a twelve step group for teens who are affected by someone else's drinking.  I was affected by my Dad's.  In twelve step groups I learned how to receive love from other people.  It was especially difficult to receive love from women and it still is today.  I can count on one hand the women I feel love from and trust.

"I am KNOWN"  While in twelve step groups I worked the steps.  Through my sponsors I learned about myself and about God's desire to know me.  I was a little afraid of God because, like a lot of abuse survivors, I put my Dad's face on God's face.  That took some time to change but I did it.  Then there's the fear of people.  While I don't wrestle with it as much today, back then that fear controlled some unhealthy relating patterns.  I thank God I didn't get myself into any real trouble.

"I am FEARLESS"  At one point in my recovery I had to become willing to go to any lengths to get better.  This included multiple twelve step groups (Al-Anon, AA, OA, ACOA, Coda), sexual abuse therapy groups, intense individual therapy, adding psychiatric and psychotropic medications, seeing a psychiatrist regularly and being hospitalized inpatient and outpatient several times.  Walking through the fear, I've found, is the only way to get a handle on my issues and learn how to live with unchangeable history while changing unhealthy coping behaviors.  One thing's for sure.  I never walk alone.  I have God, my family, my friends, my therapist and my doctors.  They will do what they can to help me through difficult times and equip me with positive coping skills so I don't have to be afraid or feel all alone.  They teach me how to pull up the strength I have inside so I can learn how to depend on myself in a healthy manner.  Faith calls this positive self-care.

"I am BRAVE"  You better believe it!  Survivors are most definitely brave.  I could list all the ways I was brave but I don't think it's necessary.  Bravery shows itself in the moment and when we are trying to put memories away in a lock box.  Bravery comes when we don't let the abuse from the past control or influence our present behaviors.  Bravery is when I can see a similar pattern of dysfunction and before falling back into that negative pattern, I say, "NO!"

On any given day, I am all of these.  Some days a little more confidently than others but still, there here.

"I was" because of my circumstances.

"I am" because of my choices.

Wait Control

I'm consciously aware, consciously connected to and mindfully grounded in the physical weight of my body.  Here are the facts:

Height:  5'6"
Highest Weight:  247 in May 2013
Current Weight:  231 in Jan 2014
Goal Weight:      135 in God's time


I put this in black and white because my life regarding my weight has been a secret.  It sounds funny to say that because if you look at me I don't look 96 pounds overweight.  I look fat but it's spread out.

Living in what's real is hard.  It's hard weighing myself each week (same day and time) when the number doesn't move, goes down 1-2 pounds or goes up 1-2 pounds.  Granted, losing 1-2 pounds in a week is a wonderful loss and considered by experts to be the healthy rate at which to lose.

Still, I want faster results.

It seems like putting on the extra pounds was quick.  I know exactly when the bulk of them got stacked onto this frame.

I was working a high stress job.  I was responsible for too many things.  I didn't ask for help soon enough.  When I did ask for help it wasn't given with any urgency.

I ate high carb, high sugar foods which I thought were giving me energy.  WRONG!
They were giving me lots of pounds.

I left that job five years ago.  I've had lots of significant people pass away, loss of significant relationships, mental and physical problems, emotional cesspools being drained and financial stress only the Lord can take credit for helping me through.

In other words, the weight acted as a protection from many emotional pains.

Why take it off now?  Simply put - It's time.  I'm sick of being fat.  I'm sick of being embarrassed by my size.  I'm sick of being fat in front of my nephews and nieces when we're out in public.

While I don't have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol or any other medical condition, I'm not going to wait for those to show up.  I want to be proactive instead of reactive.

I think what I need to do is pray to God and ask for the patience to wait as the weight falls off and to be obedient with what I eat and how much.

This is very hard.  I'm saying good-bye to a friend whose friendship no longer benefits me.

I'm saying good-bye to excess and unhealthy food.  The lie that it protects me from harm.

I feel very sad.

Doctor's Appointment

So, you know how the conversation goes, right?

Concerned Person (CP) - "Have you thought about going to the doctor?"
Me - "Yes and I've decided not to."
CP - "Really.  Why not?"
Me - "I'm at the tail end of the cold and don't think I need to go."


Somehow the conversation switches gears.
I'm asked to tell CP why I think she suggested I go.
I sit and think.
Okay.

Me - "If I think of you in a good way, I'd say it's because you are concerned about how easily I get tired."
CP - "And if you weren't thinking about me in a good way?"
Me - "You work for XXX agency and you have to tell me to go to the doctor for legal reasons."
CP - "And if I said it would be a good way of self-care...."
Me - "Yeah, I knew you were going to say that.  But it's still my choice."
CP - "Yes, it is."

I've been sick for four weeks.  Now I have a lot of fatigue.  My nose is clear, my sinuses are clear, my stomach is back to normal, no fever, no headaches - just a big blow of tired when I exert myself.

So here's what I asked myself:  Are you satisfied with how you feel physically?
The answer is no.

Then I asked this question:  Are you willing to go see your doctor, whom you completely trust and have a very good relationship with?  The answer is yes.

I called the office and have an appointment for tomorrow.

For too many years, I did not put my health or physical well-being high enough on the "take care of me" ladder.  I abused my body through neglect and over use.

I'm learning that taking care of my body isn't just the outward appearance but also making sure all the pistons are firing in sync.  No one else can do that but me.

Making one right decision at a time will help move me toward the goal I want to achieve.
And with God's help, I hope to make more right decisions than wrong ones.

Losses: Not By Death

My session today with Faith was like pulling steel out of concrete.  My thoughts were jumbled as I struggled to find the right words to describe how I was feeling.  I hate days like today.

I know feeling down adds difficulty to (what should be) easy reasoning.  When I feel my eyes darting from side to side I know my cognitive thinking is impaired.  It may last for a few minutes or a few days.  I'm not aware if I have control over it.

Taking my medication doesn't seem to help.  I have times when I become overwhelmed in thought and want to check out from interacting with people.  Just let me live away from people so I can think straight.  But then again, there are no guarantees this new lifestyle would prevent these episodes from happening.

I remembered another reason I am struggling with eating a little too much.  I received a call from a girl who used to be a friend.  I screen all of my calls.  When I saw her name on Caller ID I felt panic.  I did not answer the phone.

Instead I covered my ears as my answering machine picked up the call.  I could barely hear her voice.  I knew I was in no condition to listen to anyone about anything.  That was a couple days ago.  I still haven't listened to the message.

I feel no sense of urgency to listen to it.  A couple of years ago, our friendship ended badly.  She hurt me deeply.  She apologized a couple years later.  I forgave her.

I've learned that forgiving someone does not mean you throw your hat back in the ring.  I cautiously told her she could call me if she needed anything knowing my boundaries are in place.  I want a friendship with her again but not one that is deep.

When Faith and I were talking about loss, I remembered this person was a hurtful loss.  In the end she was mean.  She did not do anything like Jesus would.  And yes, she is a Christian.

I have no best friend anymore.  She could have been but I've really only had one best friend.  Our friendship dissolved when my mental illness and self-injury became too much for her.  I decided to leave when she couldn't spend time with me outside of her grand kids.  I always knew that was going to happen.

I guess the losses I'm feeling are:  physical strength, mental clarity, grief and trust.

I hope my mind clears up soon.

Everlasting Arms

I decided to share some music with you from one of our worship leaders.

It lightened up my mood while reminding me of who I can lean on during
hard times.