Steven Hawking

A day like today needs no explanation.

Talking about it seems mundane and pointless.

It would only be repetitious and quite boring, even to me.

I did force myself out of the house to see Steven Hawking's movie.  I was first introduced to his genius in physics in the late 1990's.  Listening to him speak through a computer was fascinating.  What he had to say about the beginning of time, the origin of it, troubled me.

Steven did not at that time acknowledge the existence of God.  He was an outspoken atheist.  Outspoken in so far as disagreeing that any one being responsible for creating everything.  He was not an activist but rather a scientist who was spending his life trying to solve the final equation.

Time.

When did it start?

What started it?

His deductive reasoning skills captured and enthralled his audience so much so that they, too, began to ask those same questions.  Were they the result of a random cosmic explosion or........

Or what?

What was on the other side of "or?".

As I watched the movie I learned that Steven Hawking is still alive at age 72.  I began praying for him.  I prayed that he would find that God is on the other side of "or" and that He is the One who can fill in all of those questions.  It is God who created time, it is God who started time and in the end it will be God who ends time on this planet.

I pray that Steven Hawking learn about the relationship he can have with God through Jesus Christ.  That his sins will be forgiven and he can have a forever future in heaven free from pain and strife where we will know no end of time.

That's what I pray for him.  Maybe it's already happened.  Maybe it's going to happen.  Maybe it will never happen.  All I can do is ask God to put Christians in his life so that he can see how we live and the hope we have for a better tomorrow.

Because sometimes, that's all some of us need.

Hope.

Psychosomatic Seizures and More Tears

I spent the day inside.  I had one of those episodes where I almost passed out but I can't place a finger on why.  It's been so long since I've had one I'm shaken up.

I ate a protein breakfast at 9:30 a.m..  I was cleaning a little bit.  When I stood up from the floor my entire body started shaking (like a seizure) and I couldn't stop it.  I'd eaten just four hours earlier.  Figuring it was a drop in sugar, I decided to up my protein level, I grabbed two Greek yogurts and made it back to the couch.  By the time I finished the first one the shaking was diminishing.  By the time the second one was done it was better but still not good enough.  That's when I grabbed some peanut butter and a plain chocolate bar.  Once that was done I was fully okay.

I haven't eaten anything since then and it's six hours later.  I don't know what it was that caused my body to shake like that.  My first guess is severe stress.  That's how my seizures started in 2008.  It did feel the same but this time I was conscious.  This time I used my meal plan to problem solve.  This time even though I felt scared and panicky, I was able to think through what I could try and if it didn't work I'd call 911.

The scariest part was when my vision began to darken.  That's when I knew I was in trouble and had to get protein fast.  Feeling my legs weaken to the point of almost collapsing pushed me into survival mode.  I knew I didn't have time to cook anything in the oven nor did I have the stamina to cook anything on the stove top.  I had to think fast - very fast.

Since then I've been relaxing.  I haven't talked on the phone, I declined going out to hear a friend sing and I'm not calling anyone.

I do have something to report.  My Mom and I were talking the other day.  She asked about Kitten and I cried as I told her the story.  When I told her about some health problems Kitten was having she told me that maybe Kitten went off to be by herself as animals have a tendency to do.  She thinks Kitten went and found a peaceful place to curl up and leave this world.

That made me relax a little more.  I believe all animals go to Heaven since God created them.  And if they don't then God knows exactly where they are.  Either way, I take comfort knowing He has them in His loving care.

So when a friend called tonight to talk about something else and I told her I wasn't having a good day, then she wanted to know about Kitten, I instantly started to cry and told her I can't talk about it.  I am surprised at how quickly the sadness is coming out.  It feels tender and it feels deep.

I thought I was taking care of myself.

I guess there's always more to learn.

Even In Grief We Must Press On

Grieving the loss of my cat without her body is difficult.  I hear sentences in my mind that doubt she is really gone.  Even though she's been gone for twenty-two days and we've had some very cold temperatures, part of me is still holding onto hope for her return.

But here's the truth:  She's not coming home.  At least I have no proof or reason to believe she is coming home.  No one has seen her, I haven't heard her and I haven't received any phone calls from the tag she wears on her collar.

This is why I grieve.

I cry.
I pray to my Heavenly Father in a child's voice.
I cry some more.
I look at her picture.
I cry again.

Since I suffer from depression, grief adds to the suffering.  When I'm struggling to function with depression and the death of a pet or loved one is added to that suffering, I am fighting against the temptation to be on the couch all day.

I force myself to put on clean clothes, wash my hair, get out of the house with a friend and do some writing.  By the time the end of the day draws near, I'm functioning better.  Most of the time the depression returns and I plummet back down into the hole.

Today has been one of those days.  But today had one extra element.  I received my monthly deposit so that I could pay my bills.

Since I've been on disability it's been hard paying my bills.  Both short on cash and my mind not working right has caused some stress.  However, the last 3-4 months I've made some progress despite what I've been dealing with emotionally.  

God has pressed upon me that no matter what issues or struggles I'm going through, paying everyone first is a way of honoring Him.  That's what I've been doing and that's what I'll keep on doing through grief, stress and all those other emotions that I need to learn how to apply self-care.

I believe I am on my way!

Matthew 6:21

Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.

Grieving the Loss of a Pet

If you have ever rescued a cat you know it takes time to build trust.  Once that is established and the cat wants to go back outside again, every time you let them outside there is a possibility they won't come back.  Eight years ago I rescued a pregnant 2-3 year cat who became one of my indoor/outdoor pets.  She's always came back when she went outside.

Well, almost always.  A couple of months ago she was gone for sixteen days because she couldn't get out of my neighbors shed.  She was very glad to be found.  Even though I'd been walking around for days calling her name she never meowed until that day.

I've been hoping for the same set of circumstances this time around.  I've been walking around, calling her name, using my flashlight trying to find her.  The difference is I have not heard her meow.  I have no indication that she is in my area.

Worse is the weather we've been having.  Very cold temps in the low 30's down to the single digits.  Then up to the 50's for a couple of days.  I went looking for her all over and calling out her name.  I posted a flyer with her picture, my phone number and a suggestion for people to check their sheds.  Our mobile home park has very nice residents and a lot of us are animal lovers.

I received about 4-5 leads.  None of them panned out.

Everyday when I drive to the mailbox I look at all the homes, searching for her or any clue of her whereabouts.  Everyday I pray she's sitting on my porch when I pull into my parking spot, open my front door in the morning or open my door at night just to check.  When she's not there, I feel a twinge of pain in my gut and my eyes water.

Even my other cats give me cause to hope.  They sit at the window next to the door.  Whenever their heads look toward the ground and toward the door this little ray of hope shoots through my body as I get up and look to see if she is out there.  But she's not so I go back to sitting down and feeling sad all over again.

This past weekend we had warm temperatures and I couldn't bring myself to look for her.  I couldn't subject myself to anymore pain or "what ifs" or disappointments when I wouldn't find her.  The sadness of her not coming home was too much to bear.

Here are some of the thoughts I've had in my mind:

• Kitten probably froze to death because of her age
• Kitten could have been caught by a coyote
• Kitten could have wandered off and doesn't know how to get home
• What if Kitten has been sitting on my porch at night waiting for me but I never knew it?
• Even though Kitten has a collar and a name tag, she might not be around people
• If God wants Kitten to come home, He will lead her home
• I can trust God to do what is right for Kitten and for me
• The last time Kitten was missing, I poured out my heart to God and He heard me.
• God brought Kitten back last time but He may not do it this time.  
• It's okay to cry not knowing what happened to Kitten
• It's okay to cry missing Kitten
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is not at home so I can take care of her
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is all alone outside
• It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten isn't with me so I can hug and love her
• It's okay to cry feeling sad just because I feel sad.

Kitten has been part of my household for eight years. Not only did she have two litters of kittens but she also mothered another litter of kittens.  She was warm, affectionate and not afraid of my nieces.  She was so sweet.

My therapist reminded me that I'll always have good memories and pictures of her. I understand why she said that and I know it wasn't meant to take the hurt away.  It was meant to remind me that I'll always something that no one can ever take away from me.

• Self-Care:  Looking for Kitten, day after day, was hard.  Having my hopes up then feeling them go down was a rough roller coaster to ride.  It feels like I'm still on it.  I'm not shutting it down but I am not getting on the ride as often.  A healthy boundary has been put in place so that I don't cause undue pain - I have enough pain as it is.
• Writing down the facts about what could have caused Kitten to disappear and the rest of the list was helpful.  Seeing thoughts in black and white empties the part of my thought process that obsesses.

Grieving the loss of a pet is very important.  Holding those sad feelings inside can cause unhealthy behaviors in other areas.  I'm letting myself be sad pretty much any time the feelings surface.  Sometimes it will be more intense.  I know this from past experience.  I know I'll be okay.  

Even though these feelings are uncomfortable to feel, I know it's a way to honor Kitten.

Saying Good-bye To Kitten

This is my Kitten

This past weekend we had warm temps,again, after a string of very cold ones.  I held onto a little bit of hope that my cat who has been missing would show up.  I couldn't bring myself to look for her.  After no sightings, I didn't think my heart could take any more disappointments.

I looked for her both days outside of my house.  She did not show up.  

Today, I took a drive looking for her but as I suspected, no sign of her.

I've resolved that after twenty-one days, blustery winter temperatures and her age/health, she is probably not coming home.

I've begun the grieving process by crying for the loss of her love.

I know God can work miracles and I'm not closed to His will.

I know God lets us grieve our pets when it's time to let them go.

It's my hope that Kitten did not suffer.

She was a wonderful mom to two litters of kittens.

She sat in my lap for snugglies.

She will be greatly missed.