A Prairie Home Companion

I was first introduced to Garrison Keillor by one of my Alateen sponsors. She and her husband lived in Sioux Falls, SD and listened to his radio show on Saturday nights. One night when I was at her house I think she put in a tape or it was playing live.  In either case I really enjoyed it.

I introduced my Mom to PHC.  She listens to it up north.  Whenever I would drive up to see her I'd stop off at the library and check out his CDs.  They were entertaining from storytelling and I really liked the kind of music they played.  I could imagine the Lutheran town of Lake Wobegon and laugh at the comedy of mishaps because regular folks could have them, too.

Nowadays I find myself yearning for this kind of entertainment more often.  I have a few of his tapes, a CD and one DVD.  I've put PHC as a bookmark so I can see it, including the time and day of the show.

This is all I have to give today.  It's available to watch online.  I must admit I found myself closing my eyes as I laid on the couch and imagined it it my head.

Take a little trip into some new places, old music and of course Lake Wobegon and let your imagination enjoy the hospitality of these kind strangers.

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Tattoos

This is my only tattoo.  I designed it myself.  It's in memory of my nephew Aaron who died from huffing.


I'm not the type of self-injuring person who covers herself in tattoos.  Mostly because as I understand the Bible, I'm not supposed to do it.  Second, I think I'd become addicted to the pain it causes and I'd keep going back for more.

My body has scars that remind me of where I've been in earlier years.  On my left arm I can see the skin with lines on it where I carved the word DEAD with several lines for a box around it.  I remember telling myself, "If God wants to heal it and take it away, He can do it."  Every time I look there, I see it.

Another scar is on the inside of my right arm.  I should have gone to the hospital for stitches but I knew they'd hospitalize me.  I taped my skin very tightly and it healed closed.  I remember that cut also.  Lots of anger and rage.

Other scars are spread around.  Since I haven't cut since October 13, 2012 that doesn't mean the urge to cut hasn't popped up here and there.  When it does I don't wallow in those thoughts.  I don't imagine what I'd do or how I'd do it.  That's just feeding the monster.

Instead, I busy my mind by writing, coloring, reading or anything else I can think of.  Dwelling on harmful behaviors lead to harmful behaviors.  I'm not perfect but I can at least try to get away from those thoughts and look at feelings instead.

Tattoos, for me, are not a substitute for identifying feelings or expressing emotions.  It is simply a way to memorialize  my nephew and feel like he's with me all the time.

I had enough marks on my body as a child that caused a great deal of pain.

I don't want anymore especially by choice.

Christmas Tradition

This time of year has one tradition I started many years ago with my nephew and nieces.  God has always provided the money for it and we've always had a great time.  My nephew has since gotten older and ducked out of our shopping.  Now it's the girls and I and we do have our fun.

I've always been the one who wants to teach them how to manage their money.  Whether it's ten or twenty or fifty dollars I believe the principle is the same.  They come with lists of who they want to buy for and ideas of the kind of gifts they want to give.  It's my job to affirm their generous hearts and then steer them toward other (less expensive) ideas.

What I've observed through the years is God's activity in their hearts.  They'll feel disappointed that they can't get something but then they'll find something else and the excitement is back in full swing.  I've seen God provide them with pretty cool gifts at very low prices.  I often point that out to them and tell them it's a "God doing."

A "God doing" is what my Mom says when only God could have done it.  There are no coincidences, no luck or anything like that when we are believers in Jesus.  God does it all.

Tonight was our shopping night and I got to see all the little God doings.

Another miracle is the money God provides for the shopping.  I don't have a lot of extra funds but after I pay all of my bills there seems to be just enough left over to take them out.  I am truly blessed beyond what I deserve.

Christmas traditions are important to keep especially when there is a touch of loss and sadness.  This tradition helps me get out for a little bit and no focus on Aaron's absence.  This is the fourth year his name has been removed from our lists.

We will always remember him and we will always have some pain in our hearts.

God, Animals and Emotions

It's been a draining day today.

It started out with happy, excited and tender emotions as I drove to therapy.  The driving route I take winds through a forest preserve.  God brought out four ginormous deer with one of them standing just twenty feet from my car staring straight at me.  I call him a smooshed up nose deer.  He was magnificent.  The one slightly behind him and to his right decided to back up a little bit.  The other two were behind some thin brush.  As he started to walk to my right I noticed some traffic coming up behind me.  I started to pull away and then the lead truck slowed down.  I believe they were blessed to see the smooshed up nose deer, too.

About five minute from the office I noticed a wolf standing up on a grass hill of a corporation.  There was no traffic behind me and none from the other direction.  That was strange for that time of morning.  As I drove slowly by the wolf I prayed for his protection.  I watched my rear view mirror and sure enough!  Four or five seconds went by and the wolf ran across all four lanes of highway unharmed and into the woods.

God speaks to me through deer and I think he's adding wolves.  His message today was:  "Everything is going to be alright."  It brought tears to my eyes.

I'd been feeling emotional before seeing the deer.  I was thinking of Aaron (my nephew who died from huffing at 18 years old in 2010).  Coupled with the recent loss of my cat tears were easy to shed.  I asked God to keep my emotions open.  By that I meant I didn't want to shut them down.

My therapy session was very teary.  I still cried each time I tried to talk about Kitten.  Her loss is quite a big one.  For some reason I'm finding it hard to talk about but at least in therapy I'm able to find the words through the tears.

I had a lot of lofty goals for the rest of the day.  But my energy level went down.  I have to give myself credit for completing the three that were most important.

Time to rest.

Vacation On My Mind

There's only one place that has captured my solitude and filled me full to overflowing.  It's the state of Arizona.  My first sister used to be a travel agent.  She took me there for my 21st birthday.  In 1995 I visited once or twice a year until the mental illness began to show up.

I stayed at the same Embassy Suites hotel in Scottsdale every time I visited.  It was so relaxing with a large pool, whirlpool, free breakfast prepared just for you, two rooms and room service.  I pampered myself every visit so that I could slow down my RPM's.  I'd sleep for two days.  Then I'd get into the rental car and begin the adventure God had waiting for me.

I ventured east to Petrified National Forest which is filled with petrified trees, stumps and other things.  I ventured southeast to Payson which is a sleepy little town with rivers, camping, fishing and forest roads.  My favorite road is FR300.  God and I had quite an adventure that included a herd of elk, almost running out of gas on the pitch black road and sitting on a cliff listening to the stirring of the trees from Tonto National Forest below.  I climbed some steep rocks to reach Tonto Natural Bridge.  That was challenging.

Grand Canyon was unbelievable.  On the way there at night, I pulled over and gazed up at the sky.  It was the most stars I had ever seen.  I watched the sunset, saw more elk, woke up early for the sunrise and took pictures that remind me of how I was feeling at those moments.  To describe how I felt I'd say calmly peaceful, inquisitive, soaking in the warmth of the sun and closing my eyes to receive all of it.  It's the closest I've ever felt to God.

I miss those times.  The only way I can take that vacation is in my mind.  Sometimes I travel back and remember how fortunate I was that God blessed me with good health and enough resources to go there.  I pray someday soon I can go back for 10 days and renew my spirit which has been yearning for the red rock mountains, cactus, blue skies, forest road 300, driving to my favorite spots and doing some swimming and resting in a whirlpool.

Until then, I try to enjoy the surroundings God has me in right now.

But if I was to be given that blessing?

What a day that would be.