Pain in the Back

Dear God,

As you know I've been struggling with severe back pain today.  I pushed through, including driving out to my psychiatrist's office.  I had to talk to him about a couple of things.

First, I asked him about the tiredness I've been feeling since the Effexer was increased.  He told me to split the dose am/pm and if that doesn't work just take it in the pm.  I hope that helps.

Second, I asked about the tremors in my hands and neck that cause a kind of tick.  He suggested Benedryl.  If that doesn't work I'm heading to a neurologist.

Day 2 - No self-injury.

I'm going to watch a movie then go to bed.

Lord, I so want to be with you.  Now and forevermore.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
 

Guidance

Dear God,

Faith asked an interesting question tonight.  "What does God say?  What does God think about that?"  I had to admit to myself (and You) on the way home that I haven't directly asked You.  I hear the whisper of Your counsel, "What do you want to do?"  I make my decisions then follow through.  But I have to ask myself, "Am I close enough to You to be able to discern Your still small voice?"  I'm not confident that I am.

So I decided to follow through on the decision to write the next part of our book at the library.  I wrote six pages.  I'm up to 3,400 words.  Writing about third grade was very hard.  I pushed myself through it.  It was hard to see the love my dad showed in one instance then seemed not to love me in another.  

I'm still struggling with my friend.  I talked about that, too.  I'm still not ready to listen to the voice mail from last week.  I'm scared she no longer wants to be my friend.  You'd think I'd be used to it by now.  I'm not.  

Trying to get myself to bed at a descent hour.  Struggling with no appetite.  Forced myself to eat something.  Gotta take care of myself.  

Day 1 - No self-injury.  Lots of shaking.  Some feelings (tears).

Lord, please help me do the right thing...even when it hurts.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
 

Awakening

"The LORD your God, who goes before you, He will fight for you…" (Deuteronomy 1:30).

Ain't that the truth.

I'm feeling better.  I've put some boundaries in place.  I've decided not to return the message left by a friend.  Truth be told, I haven't listened to the message.  Why should I when she didn't respond to any of my emails (well, maybe one but I don't remember) during the past eight months?  There's no hurry (in my mind) to respond.  

I have an appointment with Faith tomorrow night.  I'm trying to get my head wrapped around what to talk to her about.  As Carol (my previous therapist) used to say, "Amy, I only have 45 minutes a week to help you."  I'm reminding myself to use that time wisely.

It seems some of my emotions have returned.  Tears of tenderness, justified anger, and some joy.  I'm more aware that I need to read my cards more often.  I think they keep me on top of what's going on. 

Time to work on something else.

 

Oklahoma Tornado

Praying for those whose lives have been 
wrecked by this F5 tornado in Moore, OK.

I'm a bit of a wreck seeing all the devastation, 
especially the children who were in school and perished.

Only God can mend a broken heart.
And He intends to!

Avoiding

Dear God,

Today I am avoiding an email from a friend who loves me, a voice mail message from a friend where there's conflict and my psychiatrist.  Who else can I step away from?  Not my therapist.  I called for an appointment and you provided.  Thank you.

I feel fear.  I feel shaky inside.  I'm self-injuring a little more. I keep feeling things crawling on me but there's nothing there.

I'm hiding.
That's all for today.

Your struggling daughter,
Amy Kathleen 

Lord, I Need My Therapist

I know I need an appointment with my therapist when:

• I'm building a resentment against my brother-in-law
• I'm having flashbacks of physical/sexual abuse while driving
• I'm avoiding a conflict with a friend
• My emotions are now going stir crazy
• I have tidal waves of sadness, anger and scared
• The self-injury hasn't stopped but has reduced in intensity
• I want to hide or lash out
• I want to avoid my psychiatrist
• I'm an anxious wreck when I leave my house
• I'm afraid I'm never going to get well

It's time to make the call.  

Lord, you know I need time with Faith.  If it be your will, please provide a time slot I can take.  You are a faithful God who provides for His children's needs.  I'm bringing my need to the foot of the cross.  Humbly, I ask for your provision.  Amen.