My body aches, I'm exhausted and staying awake is a challenge. I don't think my body's adjusted to an increase in one of my medications. The adjustment was one month ago. This past week it was adjusted again. I hope to be able to not be so sleepy.
Today is one of those days when I'm so thankful for the weather. Very cool temps, a refreshing breeze, blue skies and some sunshine. It perks up my spirit. Thank you, Lord!
Not much to talk about today. I'm going to rest and watch movies. Probably, "Sister Act," "While You Were Sleeping," and "Sgt. Bilko." Need to lighten up my mood.
Heck, I might even read!
Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Eating Disorder
Losing weight is easy. It's not eating crappy food that's hard.
Throughout my life, food has been my best friend. Mostly carbs, salt, sugar and chocolate. As a child I overate because I didn't know when dinner would be. It was usually when my dad came home from the bar, sometimes as late as 9:30 at night. I started eating a lot before dinner to compensate. Eventually that compensation landed me a 50 pound weight gain from 6th thru 8th grade. It was on my gym card.
I secretly hoped the extra weight would render me unattractive. I didn't want to be looked at in "that" way. Honestly, I didn't want anyone to see me or know I existed. I wanted to fade away.
My first suicide attempt coincided with the weight gain. I stayed home from school, swallowed a bunch of Tylenol then laid down. I woke up a few hours later. I said to myself, "Oh well. I guess that wasn't supposed to work." I was in 5th or 6th grade.
Being fat does a few things for me. If it didn't, I would be thin. It's a good protector and intimidator. The fat makes me feel protected and tough - like I can kick anybody's behind. I've had confrontations where my size was beneficial because it matched my anger.
I use it as a deterrent so no one will get close to me. Even though I have the choice of who gets close, depending on my mood, I can send signals through my body language. The extra weight helps me push people away.
I must use it as a comfort. That's the main reason I eat so poorly. It's not always the amount. It's often the type of food I'm eating. Comforting myself the last 20 years has been my primary focus. I did lose 30 pounds as of July but then I gained 10 back.
I know working on my recovery scares me. Being well scares me. No longer having all the muck in my heart and head scares me. Writing the book scares me. But I have to do it. God whispered it me and He knows better than I what's going to come of it.
Lesson for today: Take it to the Lord in prayer.
This is REALLY good:
Throughout my life, food has been my best friend. Mostly carbs, salt, sugar and chocolate. As a child I overate because I didn't know when dinner would be. It was usually when my dad came home from the bar, sometimes as late as 9:30 at night. I started eating a lot before dinner to compensate. Eventually that compensation landed me a 50 pound weight gain from 6th thru 8th grade. It was on my gym card.
I secretly hoped the extra weight would render me unattractive. I didn't want to be looked at in "that" way. Honestly, I didn't want anyone to see me or know I existed. I wanted to fade away.
My first suicide attempt coincided with the weight gain. I stayed home from school, swallowed a bunch of Tylenol then laid down. I woke up a few hours later. I said to myself, "Oh well. I guess that wasn't supposed to work." I was in 5th or 6th grade.
Being fat does a few things for me. If it didn't, I would be thin. It's a good protector and intimidator. The fat makes me feel protected and tough - like I can kick anybody's behind. I've had confrontations where my size was beneficial because it matched my anger.
I use it as a deterrent so no one will get close to me. Even though I have the choice of who gets close, depending on my mood, I can send signals through my body language. The extra weight helps me push people away.
I must use it as a comfort. That's the main reason I eat so poorly. It's not always the amount. It's often the type of food I'm eating. Comforting myself the last 20 years has been my primary focus. I did lose 30 pounds as of July but then I gained 10 back.
I know working on my recovery scares me. Being well scares me. No longer having all the muck in my heart and head scares me. Writing the book scares me. But I have to do it. God whispered it me and He knows better than I what's going to come of it.
Lesson for today: Take it to the Lord in prayer.
This is REALLY good:
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Arrest Unhealthy Eating
Still haven't self-injured since August 2nd. I got on the scale and gained 10 pounds. I talked with Faith about it. She gave me a packet of worksheets to track some of the eating and the reasons and the moods and stuff like that. I used it today. It kept me on track most of the day.
But then I thought, "What if I didn't have the worksheet? What if Faith weren't here? What would I do?" I certainly cannot be dependent on people. I cannot be dependent on a certain formula. I need to take what I'm learning, absorb it thoroughly then integrate it into the rest of my recovery.
From addiction to addiction. I don't want my life to be this way.
Here's the next book I'll be reading. Recommended by my therapist.
CLICK HERE TO SEE "THE RULES OF HEALTHY EATING," BY KAREN KOENIG
But then I thought, "What if I didn't have the worksheet? What if Faith weren't here? What would I do?" I certainly cannot be dependent on people. I cannot be dependent on a certain formula. I need to take what I'm learning, absorb it thoroughly then integrate it into the rest of my recovery.
From addiction to addiction. I don't want my life to be this way.
Here's the next book I'll be reading. Recommended by my therapist.
CLICK HERE TO SEE "THE RULES OF HEALTHY EATING," BY KAREN KOENIG
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
911 Remembered
Twelve years ago I was at work sitting at my desk. A co-worker walked in and asked, "Did you hear what's happening?" She was flushed. I knew something bad happened. We hadn't heard. She continued, "An airplane crashed into the World Trade Center. Can you believe it?" No, I couldn't.
We stormed our bosses office and updated him. He had a radio we could listen to. We listened to the news and then the second tower was struck. He decided to close the office. I went home to an empty house and watched the news as it unfolded. NYC, NY - SHANKSVILLE, PA - THE PENTAGON, D.C.. Four planes in all.
I'll never forget the thumps. People jumping out of the towers to their death. Sadly sobering to hear them land. Pieces of paper filled the air as did the roaring sirens of our first responders.
Then the towers fell. People were running, screaming, bleeding and the monstrous dust cloud. Looked like it was swallowing up people. They were covered in cream colored chalky dust.
And then...they were gone. The prominent towers that stood guard over New York City were gone. How could that be? Twisted metal, smoke and dust. Then, silence. Firetrucks smashed. Personnel gone. No more radio noise. Where were they?
Where were they? All the people that were trapped in the towers? All the people and first responders who were in the stairwells? Certainly most of them survived but probably many were injured.
The hospitals were on standby. Doctors, nurses, everyone waited for the ambulances to arrive. Nobody came. Maybe a few trickled in but not nearly the number that was expected. Reality began to set in.
We were attacked. We were attacked on our own soil. President G.W. Bush was at a grade school in Florida when the first plane hit. Admirably, he finished reading to the children then hopped aboard Air Force 1 to be briefed and kept safe. He promised resolve. He kept his promise.
So much happened in the days following this tragedy. The next day, Wednesday, our church was holding a special service for those who had no one to talk to. I was in that group of people. I went to Target to purchase a pullover so I'd feel safe. I still have it. My friends and family had each other. I was alone. I was very grateful for that community of believers. Nancy Beach walked us through, counseled us really. I'm glad I went.
One of my nieces was born in July 2001. My sister was married in November of 2001. Smiles did return. The erieness of the sky without planes, passed. All the new security protocals at airports was taking shape. And my God, who is bigger and stronger than any bully, gave us victory on May 2, 2011 when Osama bin Laden was killed by a team of U.S. Navy Seals.
09/11/01. Another day that will live in infamy.
We stormed our bosses office and updated him. He had a radio we could listen to. We listened to the news and then the second tower was struck. He decided to close the office. I went home to an empty house and watched the news as it unfolded. NYC, NY - SHANKSVILLE, PA - THE PENTAGON, D.C.. Four planes in all.
I'll never forget the thumps. People jumping out of the towers to their death. Sadly sobering to hear them land. Pieces of paper filled the air as did the roaring sirens of our first responders.
Then the towers fell. People were running, screaming, bleeding and the monstrous dust cloud. Looked like it was swallowing up people. They were covered in cream colored chalky dust.
And then...they were gone. The prominent towers that stood guard over New York City were gone. How could that be? Twisted metal, smoke and dust. Then, silence. Firetrucks smashed. Personnel gone. No more radio noise. Where were they?
Where were they? All the people that were trapped in the towers? All the people and first responders who were in the stairwells? Certainly most of them survived but probably many were injured.
The hospitals were on standby. Doctors, nurses, everyone waited for the ambulances to arrive. Nobody came. Maybe a few trickled in but not nearly the number that was expected. Reality began to set in.
We were attacked. We were attacked on our own soil. President G.W. Bush was at a grade school in Florida when the first plane hit. Admirably, he finished reading to the children then hopped aboard Air Force 1 to be briefed and kept safe. He promised resolve. He kept his promise.
So much happened in the days following this tragedy. The next day, Wednesday, our church was holding a special service for those who had no one to talk to. I was in that group of people. I went to Target to purchase a pullover so I'd feel safe. I still have it. My friends and family had each other. I was alone. I was very grateful for that community of believers. Nancy Beach walked us through, counseled us really. I'm glad I went.
One of my nieces was born in July 2001. My sister was married in November of 2001. Smiles did return. The erieness of the sky without planes, passed. All the new security protocals at airports was taking shape. And my God, who is bigger and stronger than any bully, gave us victory on May 2, 2011 when Osama bin Laden was killed by a team of U.S. Navy Seals.
09/11/01. Another day that will live in infamy.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Suicide, Again??
Yes, indeed. This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Lots of activities for groups like TWLOHA, Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 and others. I've been following the chatter on Twitter. This lead to one group's YouTube group. Then I started reading other YouTube documentaries for friends and relatives that committed suicide.
Like any groupies, there are those who are pro and con Those who try to elevate why not to commit suicide and those who try to encourage those struggling to do it. A rally cry from cutters who were able to stop themselves from committing suicide and a low moan from those who were more than happy to give detailed instructions on how to succeed. Those who know Jesus as Lord and Savior aren't always helpful. Some are and some miss the mark. See if you've read or heard this from Christians and others in these types of comments:
"He went to hell. God doesn't forgive suicide."
"She didn't seek out God. If she did, she wouldn't have done this."
"Why does everything have to be so hard? Why me?"
"I don't get it. Everyone gets bullied at some point. You either survive or you don't."
"Sometimes I feel so alone. Nobody really cares about me."
"Suicide is the one unforgiveable sin." (I was told this)
"No one will notice if I'm gone."
"God loves you. He'll help you through it. All you have to do is ask."
"Here's my number. Text me anytime. I can really help you. Really, I can."
Those are just some of the message I read in response to a posted suicide note. Some responses were so vulgar. And some were incredibly mean. "So," you might be asking, "What's the point?"
The point is this: Our young people are communicating their darkest fears and feelings in these comment sections. Over and over I wished there was a phone group where teenagers (and others) can call in and TALK about what they're feeling. As a devoted Christian, I know Jesus is the answer for the world. I know He alone can heal all those wounds. And I know He doesn't give up on anyone - EVER!
I know Christians who have committed suicide. For many reasons. I believe suicide is some people's answer to unbearable mental illness. When I struggled the most with depression or cutting, it was my first go to.
If you or someone you love and care about are struggling with suicide, don't minimize it. The thoughts are real, the feelings are real and the desire to die is very real. Reach out to someone, call the suicide lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and get some help. You don't have to be alone.
In my own recovery, I start with my therapist then my psychiatrist. If it's real bad I take myself to the hospital. I know what to do. Instinctively.
If any Christians have a question about what the bible says about suicide, here's a viewpoint I support wholeheartedly:
What the Bible Says About Suicide
Like any groupies, there are those who are pro and con Those who try to elevate why not to commit suicide and those who try to encourage those struggling to do it. A rally cry from cutters who were able to stop themselves from committing suicide and a low moan from those who were more than happy to give detailed instructions on how to succeed. Those who know Jesus as Lord and Savior aren't always helpful. Some are and some miss the mark. See if you've read or heard this from Christians and others in these types of comments:
"He went to hell. God doesn't forgive suicide."
"She didn't seek out God. If she did, she wouldn't have done this."
"Why does everything have to be so hard? Why me?"
"I don't get it. Everyone gets bullied at some point. You either survive or you don't."
"Sometimes I feel so alone. Nobody really cares about me."
"Suicide is the one unforgiveable sin." (I was told this)
"No one will notice if I'm gone."
"God loves you. He'll help you through it. All you have to do is ask."
"Here's my number. Text me anytime. I can really help you. Really, I can."
Those are just some of the message I read in response to a posted suicide note. Some responses were so vulgar. And some were incredibly mean. "So," you might be asking, "What's the point?"
The point is this: Our young people are communicating their darkest fears and feelings in these comment sections. Over and over I wished there was a phone group where teenagers (and others) can call in and TALK about what they're feeling. As a devoted Christian, I know Jesus is the answer for the world. I know He alone can heal all those wounds. And I know He doesn't give up on anyone - EVER!
I know Christians who have committed suicide. For many reasons. I believe suicide is some people's answer to unbearable mental illness. When I struggled the most with depression or cutting, it was my first go to.
If you or someone you love and care about are struggling with suicide, don't minimize it. The thoughts are real, the feelings are real and the desire to die is very real. Reach out to someone, call the suicide lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and get some help. You don't have to be alone.
In my own recovery, I start with my therapist then my psychiatrist. If it's real bad I take myself to the hospital. I know what to do. Instinctively.
If any Christians have a question about what the bible says about suicide, here's a viewpoint I support wholeheartedly:
What the Bible Says About Suicide
Monday, September 09, 2013
Depression Coping Skills
I dislike depression as much as I dislike mosquitoes. It strikes out of nowhere, leaves a mark when it leaves and cannot be prevented beforehand. Not really. There is no depression spray that acts like a deterrent. There is no soothing balm to apply so the symptoms go away. Depression cannot be killed with a sudden smack!
The truth about depression is that it's a silent mood changer. It can happen at any time, at any level of severity and stay for as long as it wants. Medications help the frequency and sometimes the severity. Depression is a burden not easily shared.
It's not like I can snap my fingers and it leaves. If I could, of course I would! It's subtle, can disguise itself as some other emotion like sadness or anger turned inward. It's tiring, like fighting to get up multiple times during the day. I don't know what the difference is between major depressive disorder and chronic depression. They feel the same and I've been diagnosed with both.
Here are some things I can do when I notice I'm depressed:
The truth about depression is that it's a silent mood changer. It can happen at any time, at any level of severity and stay for as long as it wants. Medications help the frequency and sometimes the severity. Depression is a burden not easily shared.
It's not like I can snap my fingers and it leaves. If I could, of course I would! It's subtle, can disguise itself as some other emotion like sadness or anger turned inward. It's tiring, like fighting to get up multiple times during the day. I don't know what the difference is between major depressive disorder and chronic depression. They feel the same and I've been diagnosed with both.
Here are some things I can do when I notice I'm depressed:
- Get out of bed. If I stay in bed, the depression becomes too strong to fight.
- Eat all meals. Depression tells me to either not eat or overeat.
- Take medications as prescribed. When I do this, the chemical side of depression stands a good chance of being balanced.
- Be gentle with myself. This includes no major decisions, doing the basics and not pushing myself to start something new.
- Ride the waves of emotions. Keep a journal, talk to someone or write on my blog. Keeping it inside is not a good idea and can perpetuate the negative feelings.
- Fake it till you make it. I've found smiling when it's hard to smile helps a lot. So does going out in public (library, store, etc.), taking a ride to a forest preserve or walking in my neighborhood.
- Pray. I often ask God to give me whatever it is I need to accomplish His plan for the day.
Sunday, September 08, 2013
Understanding Our Lives
Sometimes, trying to understand why my body is behaving the way it is, brings a bit of frustration mixed with confusion. What is causing it now? More of the same or something new?
I feel like I've wasted a weekend. But then again, sometimes stuff happens that we have no control over. I'm learning to accept the things I don't understand.
I watched a sermon by Dr. Henry Cloud. He told his story at my church. I found it refreshing and quite honest. He is known for not pulling punches. He's written over 30 books.
Here's the clip if you'd like to watch:
CLICK HERE THEN SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM AND SELECT DR. HENRY CLOUD
I feel like I've wasted a weekend. But then again, sometimes stuff happens that we have no control over. I'm learning to accept the things I don't understand.
I watched a sermon by Dr. Henry Cloud. He told his story at my church. I found it refreshing and quite honest. He is known for not pulling punches. He's written over 30 books.
Here's the clip if you'd like to watch:
CLICK HERE THEN SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM AND SELECT DR. HENRY CLOUD
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