"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Pet 1:6-7 NIV)
About This Blog
My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!
I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem to be out of whack. I had another dream that my Mom died. She died from a pulmonary embolism. It was quick and painless. I was in my car headed up to her house in northern Wisconsin. I was numb.
I wondered if everything was being done per her wishes. Some of her friends were already at her house. They were moving some of the envelopes around on her dresser and I became increasingly upset. I tried not to react with frustration. I asked them to please stop touching her things. I didn't want any of her things disturbed - just leave them alone as they were.
I woke up.
I knew my mom was still alive. She sent us an email yesterday that her friend's son died of a heart attack. She would be here Monday or Tuesday. I am very sad because he was my age and an addict. His mom had finally gotten him into the group home she wanted him in and now this tragedy.
My mom's friend's health is not good. In all honesty, she is a walking miracle. I know my mom worries about her. She's my mom's best friend and has been for over thirty years. She's the Executrix on my mom's will so I worry what will happen if my mom's friend passes away before my mom.
It's amazing what death can do.
I've had racing thoughts all day, Father. I can't seem to settle down. I want to eat and drink and self-injure and get whatever it is out of me so that I can be at peace. Nothing I do, especially the destruction to self, will take away sadness I feel inside.
One day, Lord, you will take my mom home.
I hope on that day, I will have good sense to trust you to help me heal.
You're probably wondering why I'm starting this blog with a video. I was trying to find one that conveyed a similar message to mine. These young ladies did a dynamite job teaching, "Tornado Safety." I think you'll agree, everyone in your family will benefit from these 9 minutes. Turn up your volume and get ready to learn the basics everyone should know.
Pretty great, right? Okay, let me begin. Last Saturday I was sitting on my couch poking around on the Internet when I happened to look out the window at the clouds. "Hm. That doesn't look right."
A short time later the tornado sirens went off. I immediately looked up the National Weather Service. There were funnel clouds in the town next to us just 10-15 minutes away. I called my sister (as I always do) and her daughter answered.
She was home alone watching TV but no sirens were going off. There was a red line going across the bottom of her TV. She asked what she should do. I told her to take two pillows and a blanket into the cellar and call her parents. She wanted to stay on the phone but I told her I had to get to her aunt's house and I'd call her when I got there.
My other sister and I already had a plan that I would get to her house. I live in a mobile home. The National Weather Service said there would be damaging winds and destruction to mobile homes. The tornado siren stopped but then the horrendous rain fell in sheets. It was so loud I'd never heard anything like it before.
It was blowing branches and such all over the place. I was trying to decide whether or not to leave my kitties. It was at that moment that this thought came into my mind: "Amy, you are responsible for keeping yourself alive for your family and your friends. Your cats will take care of themselves."
I grabbed my laptop, said a word to my cats then tried to run through the rain. I was completely soaked from head to toe by the time I was in my car. Because of the temperature difference, my car was fogged up on the inside so I cranked the defogger and started to slowly drive toward my sisters. There were many others who had already left the mobile home park.
When I arrived at my sister's house there were no tornado sirens. I had to walk through the same heavy sheets of rain so I got soaked all over again. She was not home from work yet. I remember standing in the foyer cold, wet and a little bit in shock. I called my mom on the way and she stayed on the phone with me. Now all I needed was a hot shower and dry clothes.
This experience taught me many things:
Have a plan on where to go if your home is not safe.
Remember God cares about your animals that are left behind.
Everything you leave behind is only stuff (I grabbed my sister's laptop).
Talking on the phone while driving in this storm was okay.
Processing your feelings afterward with your therapist or a trusted friend is healthy.
Know your limits. If you're too afraid to drive far, go to your police or fire station.
Let someone know where you are headed to take shelter.
Pray to God and ask Him to guide you.
Seek Him so that you do not feel alone.
Trust Him so that whatever happens, you know He's holding you in the palm of His hand.
Sirens are not so scary when all of these steps are put into place. I've never been in a tornado so I cannot say these steps will take away that fear. All I can say is weather used to scare me and give me really bad panic attacks. Since I've been exposing myself to it little by little I don't get as scared as often.
My prayer for all of us is to have peace beyond all understanding because our God reigns.
I always wanted to be Daddy's girl. It wasn't until I learned that the kind of Daddy I wanted could only be found in one Person. - God - I wanted a lot of things that I didn't have as a young person. I wanted better living conditions, better parents, closer relationships with my sisters, to feel like I belonged in school and to matter to someone who wouldn't hurt me. I didn't think it was too much to ask. When I started recovery at age fourteen, I learned many of the things I wanted were reasonable and not selfish. The only problem is that it was too late to have those. All of them except one were no longer possible. Mattering to someone who wouldn't hurt me could not come from any human being. No human relationship, no matter how loving or trusting or well meaning could ever be perfect. Humans were made with flaws so that they, too, would need someone who would never hurt them. The One who never hurts us is the Creator of the universe, the One who spoke our world into being. The One who made the sun, the moon and the stars. The One who separated the land from the expanse of the sky. The One who made the land and the oceans. The One who created all the creatures in the waters, on the land and in the air. The One who gave us food to eat from the plants and certain animals. The One who made the mountains and forests and deserts. The One who made man out of the earth and breathed life into him. The One who caused man to fall into a deep sleep, removed one of his ribs and made woman to be his companion. (from Genesis) This is the One who created us in His image. So that we could be His companion and enjoy fellowship with him. All we had to do was not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. One rule. One rule broken would end that fellowship and bring sin and death upon our world. And so it came to be when Eve and Adam ate the apple that came from that tree and they were banished from the Garden of Eden. Our relationship with our Daddy (God) would come with a price. Throughout the old testament, innocent animals had to die in order to atone (pay) for our sin. When it was time, the prophecy of Jesus' arrival was fulfilled. His death became the substitutionary atonement for all sin, past, present and future for those who believed in Him. He restored our relationship with God. Now it is time to do what God had in mind for us when He created us. But first, we must know deep in our soul that God loves us with an everlasting love. Nothing we do, no matter how horrendous, can separate us from His love. Yes, we still have to repent and ask for forgiveness. If our heart is to please God, yet we keep moving farther away by sinning, then we must get the help we need from a professional therapist to stop our repeated sins. We must read His word on a daily basis so that the deceptive thoughts of the evil one cannot gain ground. The bible is not only God's love letter to us but it is also our weapon against evil thoughts and desires. We must be doers of God's word, committing it to memory so that we are ready to give an answer when our faith is challenged or questioned. Dear One, God does not want any of His children to parish. Believe in Him like He believes in you. If you question your faith, read the book of John in the new testament. You will learn about the birth, ministry, death and resurrection of Jesus. If you have any questions, send me an email or ask a friend who is a Christian. If there is a local Bible believing church nearby, go get some teaching that fills you. You'll be so glad you did!!
Have you ever worked for two people who are as different as day is from night? I did. At first I thought I could do it because they were so different. As it turns out, their differences burned me out.
Don't get me wrong. I grew to respect each of these doctors the more I got to know them. But then, over a short period of time, I lost my respect for them. I guess you could say my imperfection got judged.
It's hard to explain to someone the intricacies of a software program when they do not posses that type of thinking. It's no fault of theirs. I don't posses the type of thinking needed for being a doctor.
What was hard is when questions would arise. Seemingly simple questions that to them were signs of incompetency. Signs to me that a simple error was made and would be easily caught. Very different perspectives.
I bring this up because I am reminded of how a situation can look from multiple viewpoints. One person sees huge error; second person sees no double checking; third person sees built in safety check.
I'm reminded of how God sees me when someone else sees a failure.
God sees an overcomer.
God sees a survivor.
God sees a tender heart.
God sees an obedient child.
God sees a follower.
No matter what anyone else thinks of me, what God thinks of me is all that matters. And what about those two doctors? I hope they've asked Jesus into their heart to forgive their sins so that their eternities are sealed in Heaven. I want them to have the peace that passes beyond all understanding.
Today Faith asked about the self-injury inside my mouth. Was it still going on? Yup.
I'm a bit puzzled as to why. I know it happens when I read the news and when I'm writing my blog. I feel it right now wanting to start and I felt it wanting to start earlier when I was reading a news story.
Why is that?
The news stories I read are mostly about people and their tragedies. A death, a child being hurt, an animal being rescued. Some sort of situation that causes feelings of sadness.
The blogs I write are stories from my history or my present. Some of them are sad or reflective or nice. I'm not sure any of them are fun. When I write them I am conscious of the words but not emotionally connected to them.
In both writing scenarios, I am shut down.
Self-injuring while being shut down is a common form of self expression. Those feelings that are supposed to surface never get a chance to because I hide them away in a safe place.
But are they really safe? No.
They come out in a way that causes pain, physical pain and I need to find a way to stop it.
Lord, in all the ways you are healing my pain, please show me how to heal this one.
Yesterday I went to church to see my brother-in-law get baptized. It was quite an honor to be there with my sisters and their families. The pictures everyone posed in were some of the happiest!
When the baton of alcoholism and abuse gets broken, the next generation has a much better chance of finding a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Our family has been very fortunate in that almost everyone has accepted Jesus' gift of payment for our sin.
If you want to know my pathway to Christianity, I've written about it in the last two-three weeks a few times.
If I would have chosen one word to describe how I feel about my baptism, it would be:
HEALED
If you'd like to read my faith story, read, "Why Jesus?"
