Bad Cold

I have the bad cold that's going around.
I've been unable to write.
I will return to writing just as fast as I can.

In the meantime, check out the blogs I follow on the right hand side of this page.
Scroll down and you'll see them.

Be back soon (hopefully).

Amy

God Rebuilding Us

Have you ever asked God, "Where do You want me?  Please show me and I will go."

I know many people, myself included, who have earnestly prayed that prayer.  With intense emotion and a little bit of fear, those words have been uttered with the hope that it won't cost too much.  Too much money, too much commitment or too much change.

Why pray that prayer at all if the intent is to side step it?  Because my  heart longs to believe that someday I'll do it.  Without doubt, without fear of failure, without fear of what others will think of me.

All my life I've known God wants to do something with my life.  I've started and stopped many opportunities that presented themselves over the years.  None of them lasted.  At least, none of them that came with a regular salary.

It takes courage to ask God, "Where do You want me?"  Asking a question often means listening for a response.  Listening for a response means you might like it - or you might not.

Here's something I've been thinking about.  You know the saying, "If God closes the door, He'll open a window?"

What if He never wanted you to go into that house in the first place and we took matters into our own hands?

Did we pick the lock or shoot off the door knob or ram the door with a tree trunk?  I mean, how much of our self will is really running the show?

I'm just saying, maybe we should ask God if we're at the right house before we begin to think we know what He's doing in our lives.

Here's an example:

You think God wants you to be "here" because you see yourself as always being sick no matter where you go and no matter how much time passes:

But God really wants you to be here because He sees you working hard and getting better over the long haul.  It doesn't matter how long it takes:

God knows it's hard.  He knows your dreams.  He knows exactly what you need to get over your hang-ups.  Don't you think He loves you enough to send you to the right house?  

A house where you don't have to wonder, "Is it this door or that door?  A window or a patio door?"  God doesn't do question marks when building us up.

God is a God of reconstruction.  So put on your tool belt, put on your hard hat and meet with your construction team.  It's time to get rebuilding. 

New Year's Day

Yeah, I think we've all felt that way from time to time.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit some of my resolutions are repeat offenders.  Yup, they've been known to show up on my list more than once and sometimes two or more years in a row.  

What does that say about me?  What does that say about the resolution?

It says:

• I know I have a problem area in my life 
• I want it dealt with right now
• I need new methods of getting rid of it because what I've used so far hasn't worked

How is that problem area helping me?  What does that say about the resolution?

It says:

• It's giving me some sort of comfort for pain or sadness or hurt
• Even though the remedy is temporary it's causing permanent damage
• I'm going to need therapeutic and psychiatric help to put these monsters to rest

Sometimes the first step in resolving a bothersome area is to be honest about how it's benefiting you.  If it didn't benefit you, you wouldn't do it.

When I was drinking, it numbed my feelings and put me to sleep.  When I stopped drinking, I had to learn how to feel my emotions and stay present.  It's been very hard and I still struggle.  I've compensated with food and self-injury.

Now it's time to get to the root of all this unhappiness.  

Some people would say I should stop looking at the past and get moving forward.  I don't listen to anyone who hasn't walked in my shoes.  And as far as I know, there's been one occupant.

My responsibility is to God and to the calling He's placed on my life.  It's to do what He puts in front of me to do.  As long as I am walking in His will, no one else matters.

Pre-New Year's Eve

This is a phrase Agnes wrote on an index card then gave it to me as one of my affirmation cards. Agnes was one of the therapists at Alexian Brothers.  It's simple, direct and has a little bit of her in it.  It warms my heart.  It gives my self-esteem and confidence a boost of positive energy.

It's what I need as I begin to put down some goals for the New Year.  I've been meditating on the categories:  Spiritual, Mental and Physical.  I'm not including financial because the goals I have are already in place.

I've been reflecting on the sub-categories:  Reading, Bible study, writing my book, therapy goals, learning how to run and losing the 80 extra pounds I carry around.

I'm putting together some mental goals:  Read three books a month, Read the Bible in a year, write my book during the first three hours of my day, etc.

I visualize myself having great success with some scary hurdles that keep me stuck in negative patterns.  I want to break free of those patterns and replace them with positive ones.  I've done it in sobriety and cutting - I can do it with exercise and eating.

Some of the 2014 goals will need help and accountability from others.  I don't know which ones yet and I don't know who I'm going to ask.  Most of my friends are pretty busy.  I'm trusting God to lead this (and all of these) because He has put these desires on my heart.

I'm not sure I'll be blogging New Year's Eve.  I'll be spending a lot of time working on these goals. I hope to share what I landed on, perhaps on New Year's Day.

I encourage you to jot a few goals down.  Things that will bring you joy or reduce stress.  Even just a couple can increase good feelings that you have a purpose.  

Remember, God created you for a reason.  

It's time to let that reason out of the box!

Putting A Pet To Sleep

My cats mean a lot to me.  I have a relationship with each of them.  Like humans, the relationship is different from cat to cat because their personalities are not the same.

I invest a lot of time, money and love into these precious felines.  They invest a lot of trust.  They depend on me for safety and security.  They depend on plenty of food and water, clean cat boxes, lots of toys and veterinarian care when needed.  They have a right to their most basic needs being met.  And one of them is the most difficult.

Throughout my life I've always had at least one cat.  When I was a child my Mom would make the decision to put down one of our dogs or cats.  She didn't let us go with her - I'm very grateful.

I grieved the losses of my animals who were hit by a car or died a natural death.  We buried our animals in our back yard, including my goldfish.  It was normal to grieve and say good-bye.

As I grew up I became the Mom of my pets.  I rescued outdoor cats who eventually were hit by a car.  I learned it's very hard to change an outdoor cat to an indoor cat.  I grieved for them as I picked them up off the road near my house.

I had one cat who passed away peacefully on my bed.  I was with her until she breathed her last breath.  I held her and cried for a long time.  She was a rescue and lived to be eighteen and a half years old.

Thus far, I'd never had to take a cat to be put to sleep.  Not until six months ago.  Patches was losing a lot of weight and beginning to walk awkwardly.  She was still eating but I knew she was in pain.

The night before I took her in, I treated her to a taco supreme from Taco Bell.  She loved it!  I took some pictures and some video.  I set out the cat carrier.  All of the cats knew something was up.

The next morning I drove to the vet which was about thirty minutes away.  I was doing okay until I parked in the parking lot.  Then the tears flooded from my eyes.

I went in with Patches, signed the paperwork, sat with her then was led to a very comfortable room to wait for the Vet.  He and his assistant came in and explained what was going to happen.  The injection would work very quickly and she wouldn't feel anymore pain.

He waited until I was ready.  I held Patches on my lap and as she began to pass away, I put my lips on her little head and told her she was going to be okay now.

The assistant told me that she could tell Patches was ready to go because she didn't fight the injection.  It was apparent that she was in pain and I'd made the right decision.

As a Christian, I want to believe that everything God creates returns to Him.  However, since this is one of those topics that is not clearly defined in the Bible, I live by this truth:  I may not know where my animals go when they die but I know that God knows where they are and that's good enough for me.