Last Night's Dream

I brought the tickets to our church's Christmas Eve service to each of my sisters homes.  I coordinated with them weeks ago about which service would be good for their families.  Then it was a matter of picking the best for all of us, choosing the best seating and printing the free tickets at home.  Everyone is very happy.  Only God!

I say this to lay the foundation for last night's dream.  It took place in the home I grew up in, specifically in the bedroom my first sister and I shared.  My sisters and I are the ages we are now.  It was Sunday morning when I woke up.  The rest of the house was asleep.

I could my pastor beginning to teach.  I knew his sermon was going to include a kid segment because many parents brought their kids to the Christmas Eve service.  I wondered if he was going to borrow from, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and sure enough, he did.

While I was listening I had two helium balloons.  One was white and one was shiny green.  I decided to tie them onto the same ribbon strand.  I noticed how strong they were. I let them float up to the ceiling but it took a lot of strength to pull them down.  I wondered why this was but then my concentration was interrupted.

I could see the Christmas Eve service on my television screen.  Our pastor was interviewing people.  I think he was asking them about situations in their life that looked hard but turned out not to be.  One of the long time staff members, Otis Price, sang verses to glorify God for His provision.  As it turns out you couldn't really hear Otis.  You could just see the sincerity when he sang.

I recognized some of the people.  People I had served with a long time ago.

Then the service switched over to the kids.  That's when parts of the Charlie Brown Christmas played.  The music, the movie and the dialogue.  It was well woven into the sermon and included Linus' part of telling Charlie Brown what Christmas is really all about.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a bright flash of light and the sky turned to dark!  I opened my shade and morning turned to night.  I ran from my bedroom to the utility room to bring our dogs in but Samantha had already brought Suzi in.  I was organizing the room, getting the four ladders out of the way when she brought in Dina.  We were getting the blankets set up when two other sisters and my mom woke up to see what was going on.

We talked about the flash of light.  What was it?  Where did it come from?  What did it mean?

My mom began having breathing problems.  Tracy was trying to get her to sit down and rest but it was obvious she wasn't going to it.  She was still walking around trying to figure this out.

My dad woke up and wanted to know what was going on.  I felt irritated because he always shows up late.  My mom walked into the kitchen still breathing heavy.  I was prepared to dial 911.  And then I heard it.  I heard her hit the floor.  My sisters ran to help her.  I dialed the phone.  After I hung up we made a path for the paramedics.

My dad tried to get involved but we pushed him to the side.  He said he was still her husband but we quickly reminded him that they were in the middle of a divorce and he had no say so in her medical care.

It was still dark outside.  The paramedics hadn't arrived yet.  My sisters and I weren't panicked because my mom started to regain consciousness.

Then I woke up.

This dream could mean several things but right now I don't have the energy to dissect it.

I Don't Like the Stress

I'm the child of an alcoholic,
Please don't feel sorry for me.
I have a lot of hang ups,
It's God's plan to set me free.

When certain things happen,
My mind and body are alert.
They tell me it's like a tiger,
That is crouching in my dirt.

There are days I feel very well,
Like I haven't a care in the world.
Those days are not so many,
And so begins my brain of swirls.

END

I don't like my life right now.
I am not having thoughts of self-injuring or suicide.
I'm simply saying I don't like my life right now.

I don't like the stress of people asking to spend time with me.
I don't like the stress of blaming myself for Kitten leaving.
I don't like the stress of one neighbor thinking losing a cat is funny.
I don't like the stress of delaying three Christmas gifts for a week.
I don't like the stress of being unsure if I have enough food until Jan 2nd.
I don't like the stress of eating too much popcorn and gaining three pounds.
I don't like the stress of putting on a happy face and pretending everything is okay.
I don't like the stress of my diagnosis being changed.
I don't like the stress of going outside of my house.

I see my therapist soon.
I hope it's okay.

Grieving the Death of A Loved One

This is the best book I've read on grief

When I think about what my nephews and nieces go through this time of year it pulls me out of myself.

Do you know what I mean?

Let me explain.

Four and a half years ago their brother Aaron was riding in the backseat of his friend's car.  He was inhaling propane (huffing) and induced a seizure.  One of his friends dialed 911 while the other pulled off to the side of the road.  They pulled him out of the car and began CPR.

When the ambulance arrived Aaron had no heartbeat and was without oxygen for ten minutes.  The paramedics were able to restart his heart but the brain damage was already extensive.  He was on a ventilator for five days when his parents decided nothing more could be done.

Aaron died on Friday, April 16, 2010  just before midnight.

Each day and year that have passed has seen grieving at many messy stages.  The young people in my life have been blessed to have families that are able to love and care for them outside of themselves.  Most of us have a close relationship with Jesus so we're able to lean on Him when those waves of sadness crash into us unannounced.

Since we have that pillar to lean on, we have been able to help the brothers and sisters of Aaron.  During the past four and a half years, the frequency and depth have changed but even so, the need to process hasn't gone away.  Here's a little sample of what I've learned for ages 9-25 girls and men:

• I've learned that listening to them, whether they are talking using their voice or on Facebook, is very important. 
• I've learned to talk about Aaron and not keep him "dead."
• I've learned to ask questions to keep the conversation lite.
• "Hey ______.  Have you been thinking about Aaron lately? I have, too. Can you share with me what you've been thinking?  I'd love to hear it."  Then I ask about feelings.
• "What do you think he'd say about that big 'ol tree?"
• "What's one of your favorite funny memories about Aaron at Christmas?"
• "Remember those snowball fights with Aaron?  He was hilarious!"
• Memories, especially funny ones, are always great for everyone.

This year I'm going to try something new.  I'm going to make an Aaron bag.  I'll supply my family with different half sheets of paper and colored pens.  Each of them can write a letter to Aaron and place it in the bag.  When the bag is done I'll staple it shut, write the year on it then give it to his Dad (and my sister, Aaron's Stepmom) to place under the tree for next year.

I think that will be a nice memory maker in honor of Aaron and a great way for all of us to process our grief privately and as a family.

Grieving the Death of a Loved One is never easy.  It's not meant to be.  Neither is grieving it alone.  God designed us to be in relationship with Him and with each other.  If you need some help dealing with your grief in a healthy way, find a local Christian therapist to help you.  

If you are in my area, contact Faith Gallup or Carol Davis-Serpas listed to the right.

What Salvation Is

I used to work for a woman who was fast paced in everything she did.  She was a chiropractor, nutritionist, massage therapist, radio show personality and studying to be an environmental law lawyer.  Anything she put her mind to do she accomplished with excellence.  She's one of those people who is a life time student.

She was recommended by my own chiropractor.  At our first meeting we discussed my seven day food intake history, chemical exposures that were causing the migraines and how working in new construction was making it difficult to work.  She offered to give me a massage and I agreed.

While I lay face down our conversation was an interesting one.  She began asking questions about my belief in God.  I testified to my relationship with Jesus and being a Christian.  She poked and prodded by asking poignant questions which I prayed to God before I answered.  Then she said something interesting that I found troubling.  She said,

"I'm surrounded by so many Christians.  I know I'll have no trouble getting into Heaven."

I didn't know what to say.  Since I had just met her, I stayed silent and discerned to stay silent.  I hoped that one day God would open a door for a follow-up conversation about that belief.

I ended up working for her for a couple of years.  I learned a lot and we talked about God quite a bit.  She asked many questions, told her friends good things about me and my faith, but I never sensed God leading me to revisit that initial statement.

Unfortunately, our working relationship did not end well.  I lacked discipline and sticking up for myself when I'm accused of doing something wrong.  I'm not perfect and made some mistakes.

I miss her.  She was a real cheerleader during a time when I was struggling in another job.  She helped get me my next job.  I've look her up from time to time online just to see how she's doing.  She's had some sad times and I've prayed for God's comfort and healing in her life.

That one statement she made has never left my mind.  If I had a chance to respond to her and give her a word picture, this is what I'd say:

"Trusting you'll get into Heaven because you're walking in with your friends who are Christians is like getting into the Super Bowl because you're walking in with friends who have tickets.  You have to have your own ticket to get into the Super Bowl and you have to have your own relationship with Jesus, who bought and paid your sin by His death on the cross, in order to get into Heaven."

If you do not have a relationship with Jesus, consider the below steps then get connected to a Bible based local church.