Saying, "Good-bye Best Friend"

Today is my 46th birthday.  I'm spending it with my nieces.  I'm spending it with my family.  I was doing okay until I received a text message.

It was from someone who used to be my best friend.  I've only had one best friend and she was it.  We met when her husband accepted a position at my church.  She was married with seven children.  I was single with cats.  She was an extravert.  I am an introvert.  She loves coffee.  I love juice.  We both loved Jesus and we both loved the church.  And within a year, a new friendship was being formed and we both came to love each other.

Fast forward ten years.  I started having flashbacks, then seizures, then unable to work.  I was cutting, not on the right medications and severely depressed.  She didn't understand what was going on, thought I was making choices to cause all of this and was caught off guard by my suicide attempt.  I couldn't handle her expectations.  I couldn't handle the questions.  I no longer wanted to explain or defend myself.

Three years later, I backed off.  In the fourth year, my nephew Aaron died from huffing.  She sent a beautiful card.  Now, we don't speak, except for a birthday greeting.

And yet I miss her.  Not all the dynamics, not the stress of her family and not being challenged all the time.  I miss her quiet support, her warm hugs and her laughter.  

While today is my birthday, it brings with it a keen sense of reality.  She will never again be a part of my life and I will never again be a part of hers.  I have no desire to enter into another friendship with her.  I'm going to enjoy what we once had and thank God for the gift of those years.

That's the healthiest decision I can make for myself.

Dissociating

Struggling to be normal today.  Up last night until 2:45 a.m.  Fell asleep at 3:00 then slept until 7:50 a.m.  Don't know what's been keeping me up.  It's like my mind can't shut up.  Plus the radio station/interviews are back.  I hear them when nothing is on.  They sound audible.  Have to mention this to my psych.

Thought I had a therapy appointment at 1:00.  Right time, wrong day.  I kept pushing myself to show up.  Once I got there and was told I was a day late, I walked to my car and breathed a HUGE breath of relief.  I kept saying, "Thank you, God.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.  I had NO desire to talk - at all.  

I stopped at the library and stayed there for two and a half hours.  Printed some stuff, looked some stuff up for my blog and looked some stuff up related to medicaid.  Time to make the phone calls tomorrow.

My kitties are all sleeping.  I'm not tired.  I don't really feel anything.  I can tell I've checked out.  I'm in my brain a lot but not thinking.  Sucking the life out of it.

Distracted

Pretty good day.  Went out for a little bit, followed the weather, went to Tracy's, came home and prepped for the storm.  It didn't hit my area as hard as others.  I felt disappointed.  I was ready for a good storm.

Still thinking about canceling therapy appointment scheduled for tomorrow.  Not sure why.  Don't feel like talking about what's going on inside.  Going to print some blogs to bring with me.

Feel distracted, distant and closed off.

Another day done.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Went to bed late last night.  Woke up very early.  Decided to get up and have some DVD time before going to group.  Good decision.

I'm attending a stress management group for 10 weeks.  My therapist, Faith, is the facilitator.  Sometimes I feel self-conscious like I'm under a microscope.  It's not her; it's the messages in my head.  

• You're being watched
• You need to hide
• Don't let your borderline personality out
• Don't speak up
• Write when you're uncomfortable
• Arrive early / leave quickly

Each of those serves a purpose.  Maybe not always a positive one.  Some are very positive.

How does one stay safe in an environment of strangers?  Here's what I try to do:

1. Find a safe person in the room (In group, it's Faith).
2. Keep eye contact with that person as best you can.
3. When that person is teaching, listen to the tone of their voice and ask:

• Is it soothing?
• Is it comforting?  

Faith's voice has always been soothing and comforting.  In our sessions, when she is explaining something or asking me questions, her voice is even.  Sometimes her words are soothing and comforting.  Last week she talked about looking someone in the eye creates intimacy.  I kept looking at her almost as a test of her safety in my broken little world.  I did good...and so did she.

Intimacy.  
That's an area I have so many questions and struggles.
With my abuse history, I think it's only about sex.
I've been getting taught that it's broader.
Oh boy.

I had to pause the video to catch all the words.  

PTSD - Overcoming Trauma

Sometimes memories cause a physical reaction.
Mine is shaking/twitching.
Feeling scared, panic and alone.

That's my only thought for today.

Happy 70th Mom

One of recovery's best blessings is forgiveness.  All the crap I grew up in has left a permanent stain.  But the healing love of God and the love of a mom who made brave moves to make my sisters and I safe can never be repaid.  

When I was being abused, my mom didn't know about the sexual abuse and she couldn't stop the physical abuse.  She was incapable due to the violence my dad gave her.  It wasn't until I was fourteen that things began to change for the better.

1. My mom started attending Al-Anon.  A 12-step group for adults affected by someones drinking.
2. One year later she sat us down and announced she was divorcing my dad.
3. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to be the parent now."  I replied, "Good luck.  You don't know what you're doing."  She replied, "Well, that could be true but that's my decision."
4. My dad moved out.  He asked me to help him.  I did
5. Three months later the divorce was final.

And so began my recovery.  That was in 1981.  I was just beginning Freshman year in high school.

As the years have passed, my mom has become my hero.  Here's what I shared with her:

A very happy 70th birthday to my hero, my Mom. I give thanks to our loving Father for matching us up. I admire the courage it took and the tough decisions you made to make our home a safe one. Like Superman, you looked into your daughters hearts and found trouble. You found the strength to do what was necessary - several times. May God remind you of the legacy you have established for each of us. Thank you. We have a sobriety and Savior baton to pass down to the next generation in our family. Praise and glory be to God! I love you, Mom.

I hope my mom is around for a very long time or Jesus comes back before she dies.  I know others are close to their mom, too.  But then, some are not.  I remember those days as it took decades for our relationship to heal.  A lot of it was me asking her questions about my abuse and her being humble enough to answer those questions honestly, without excuses.  

My mom...the godliest woman I know.