Feeling Better After Purging (Not Food)

     For the past few weeks, I’ve been afraid of something inside that wanted to come out.  I thought I was talking about it in therapy and with Laurie and Pam.  Sunday revealed I had not scratched the surface.

     Sunday morning I listened to the two church services I’d gotten behind on.  At the end of the second one the pastor asked a question that I can’t remember right now.  That question did not leave my mind as I started on another walk on a different route  looking for my cat. 
     As I walked, I felt the welling up of tears.  I didn’t expect to find her but I knew this was going to be my final look for her.  As I was walking I knew some of the tears were for Kitten but the depth of the sadness I felt???  There was more to it.
     I talked to God and told Him how scared I am to write the book.  I thought I dealt with all of my issues in therapy and I couldn’t understand why writing my story is such an emotional upheaval.  You know what He said?
     He said, “Amy, you’ve never felt the emotions of what happened to you.  You’ve gone through 12 step groups and therapy reporting what’s wrong with you but not ever feeling what happened to you.  I want you to feel what happened to you.  I want you to tell people how you felt when those things happened to you.  I don’t want you to be a reporter – I want you to give people hope who are suffering.  That means people who are hurting, right now, in their feelings.  I can’t help them through you if you won’t get into your feelings.”
     I was not comforted.  I live in an iron vault.  I shed a few tears here and there but I don’t cry.  I feel love, proud, happy, anger and other emotions.  I’ve learned to control my emotions due to the Borderline Personality Disorder.  I have very little expectations and very few friends.  I’ve accepted the fact that I have been given a hard life and it’s still my responsibility to let Jesus shine through me.
     What I don’t know how to do is feel sad for what happened to me.  For example, I asked my therapist to read one of my blogs.  At one point while she was reading she exclaimed, “Neglect!  Pure Neglect!”  It startled me a little bit and I felt bad for my parents.  My parents?  Misplaced emotions.
     Back to the walk.  I finished the walk and went inside.  I was fiddling around with some stuff and watching a movie.  I kept feeling this surge of sadness wanting to come up and out of me.  I remembered what God said.  Over the next couple of hours, I allowed it to slowly come out until it came out in its entirety.
    Let me tell you about it.  I remember crying very hard, asking God to bring Kitten home.  I remember crying very hard, telling God He can do this.  I remember crying very hard, telling God I promise to be good, I promise to be good.  I remember crying very hard, telling God bring her home, bring her home.
     I cried very hard repeating those requests.  I heard my inner child pleading she’ll be good, she’ll be good if God would bring back her kitty.  When I heard those pleas, I knew why my writing has been stalled.  She needs to know she is safe and protected and no one is going to bring harm to her.  She needs to know I will continue protecting her by seeking God’s protection from the evil one throughout this entire process.  I need to promise her that I will not go at it alone, that I will let Jesus and the Holy Spirit lead the writing of this book.  She won’t have to do anything unless she wants to or unless the Father asks her to.
     Is that all she was crying about?  No, I think it was much more.  She grew up abused, exposed, vulnerable, secretive, threatened, neglected, unprotected, alone and broken.  The only things that she loved and loved her back were her kitties and the monster abused them, too.  It makes sense that the book scares her and the loss of Kitten saddens her so deeply.
     Now it’s my turn. 

§  I need to pray to my Father before I write, each time I write.

§  I need to write down my feelings, each time before I write.

§  As I am writing, I need to write down the feelings I am having.

§  As I am writing, if I am triggered, I need to write down the trigger and brain dump what happened so that Faith, Laurie, Kim, Anne, Marie, Pam or my family can help me.

§  If the trigger causes intense emotions and I end up self-injuring, I am to immediately call Dr. Didenko to see if I should be hospitalized.  I am to call Faith to make her aware of my behavior and get her perspective.

§  As I am writing, if I am not triggered, I will pray to God and ask Him to close this writing in my mind so that I no longer think about it.

§  When I close this writing, I will commit it to the work of the Holy Spirit that is at work in me, breathing, healing and restoring a new life in me.

§  I will remind myself that it was God who met me on the Bearskin Path in Minoqua, WI and told me what He wanted me to do for the rest of my life. 

§  Writing my story is perfect because it is He who chose it for me.

§  I will give praise to God for His perfect will and His perfect love for which I have done nothing to earn.

§  He sacrificed His Son so that I could be forgiven for my sin, live a life fully devoted to Him, share the good news of the gospel, be a light of hope for those who are in the dark, give to those less fortunate, care for those who are lonely, speak for those who have no voice, feed those who are hungry, encourage those who have doubt, write my story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering (including myself) and humbly speak out for mental illness.

Lyrics to my favorite song by Steven Curtis Chapman, "Let Us Pray."

I hear you say your heart is aching
You've got trouble in the making
And you ask if I'll be praying for you please
And in keeping with convention
I'll say yes with good intentions
To pray later making mention of your needs
But since we have this moment here at heaven's door
We should start knocking now, what are we waiting for?

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray

So when we feel the Spirit moving
Prompting, prodding and behooving
There is no time to be losing, let us pray
Let the Father hear us saying
What we need to be conveying
Even while this song is playing, let us pray
And just because we say the word, "Amen"
It doesn't mean this conversation needs to end

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray

Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence
As our prayers draw us near
To the One who knows our needs
Before we even call His name

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray

Let us pray everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray

Tears Flowing

Dear Abba,

I am crying now over the loss of Kitten. It seems to take some time before emotions emerge but when they do, I allow them come pouring out.  The tears I cry for Kitten are for myself.  To not see her everyday, to not let her outside with Lizzie (another cat) nor to let her back in leaves a gap in the day that only she could fill.  Even Lizzie's behavior has changed a little bit without her friend.

Lord, the tears fall much like losing a friend.  Kitten and I met many years ago.  She had this little dimple of fur right under her nose.  It was like a birthmark.  She would stand in the water dish after eating to wash off her paws or simply soak them in cool water.  When I saw her doing this she'd look up at me as it she'd been caught.

Kitten used to sleep with me when she was younger.  As she aged she slept on a dresser under the window, underneath a chair, in the cat tree or under the kitchen sink.  I think it depended on her mood - whether or not she needed some time alone.  We were similar that way.

Kitten loved to eat grass although she rarely threw up.  She had a favorite set of bushes outside (right across from my mobile home) that she crawled into.  It was nice and cool in there, one of her hiding spots.  She enjoyed laying on the dirt under my extra large bushes, on my patio and up on my porch.  I can't tell you how many times I tried negotiating with her to come indoors but she stayed where she was everytime.

Father, you made her so special.  She was such a good mom to those kittens.  You blessed each of those kittens with good and loving homes.  She was so sweet to my nieces.  I have a picture of my nieces snuggled around Kitten and she's just laying there soaking it up.  What a great personality you gave her.

Last Wednesday, I did not know I would be letting her out, never to see her again.  When I asked her if she wanted to go outside she stared at the open door.  I could tell she was thinking about it so I waited.  After a little bit she jumped down and made her way outside.

Had I known it was going to be the last time I'd see her, I would have told her how very much I love her and thank her for all the love she brought to my heart and to the hearts of those who have been in my house.  I would have asked you, Lord, to watch over her and guide her footsteps to where she needs to go to have eternal life with you.  Then I would have kissed her on her head, given her a hug, taken off her name tag and let her go along her way.

I really miss her and I do thank you for her, Abba.

Your loving daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Kitten, Grieving My Cat

When the death of a pet you loved, breaks your heart in two,
There's nothing to relieve the pain, nothing you can do.

You see their eyes, their furry face, their whiskers sticking out,
Their paws with nails, your stories and tales, what life with them was about.

My little friend was named, Kitten, a perfect name for her.
She arrived very pregnant, you could tell from her fur.
She was a very smart kitty because I taught her, you see,
To open the shed door where a crate was waiting, a safe place to be.

My neighbor, as it turned out, was a volunteer at Save A Pet,
A small miracle, it had to be.
For in just a few days, my Kitten gave birth inside the shed, another
miracle, glory be.

I moved the family into my house all snugly warm in my bathroom.
Mama Kitten and her little ones stayed until the babies had a home,
Kitten decided to stay furever and ended up with one more litter.
After that there were no more kittens and no need for babysitters.

Kitten lived a full life about nine years in all.
She loved to be outside until Winter came or sometimes it was Fall.
She aged a bit this last year but it still came as a surprise.
Kitten walked out the door this week,
And hasn't walked back inside.

I have looked everywhere I know to look,
I call her name out loud.
I drive my car down busy roads,
Hoping she is found.

Alas I say to myself, "Kitten is not here."
My inner child begins to cry, another loss so dear.
My intellect knows outside cats have shortened lives for sure.
To that I respond, "You didn't know my Kitten.  She beat the odds

Dear God, I don't know where she is but I know you created her.  Please let her feel no pain if she is still alive and please take her gently into Heaven if she is in the process of coming to Heaven.  Thank you for the many years I was given to watch and care for her.  She was very loving, very patient and very cuddly with me and the kids.  Thank you for entrusting her care to me.  I will miss her so much.  Love Amy