Do Not Quit

Getting up the courage to print out my blogs so that my book can move forward.

You'd think this would would be as easy as snapping my fingers but it's not.

Even though I know God is giving me the thumbs up to get going, I still get nervous that I'm going to do something wrong and disappoint Him.

So....

I keep reminding myself that I'm not living in His automatic grace.

If I do make a mistake, He can fix it.

It's not the end of His will for my life.

If I choose to quit, I give up on Him.

If I choose to quit, I give up on His belief in me.

So....

I do not quit just because I MIGHT make a mistake.

I cannot live life in MIGHT.

I have to live life in MUST.

I must believe God has created the talent I need to accomplish this work.

I must believe God has protected my spirit to share with others this hope.

I must believe God will always heal my hurts no matter the depth of pain.

In the end, God will win.

And in the end, all who have suffered at the hand of abusers, will claim victory.

I Am Responsible

When discussing the depression I'd been feeling last week, I said to my therapist, "You are not responsible for my actions when I am depressed.  Whether I am laying on the couch unable to move or engage in life for a few days, whether I'm having fleeting thoughts of suicidal behavior or whether I am starving myself as a punishment for the mental illness I fight so hard to overcome.  You are not responsible."

"I am."

"I am responsible to talk to you.  It's my responsibility to make sure I drive to our sessions every week no matter how hard it might be unless driving would put me or other drivers on the road in harms way.  It's my responsibility to show up and talk to you about what's been going on that might have caused some of the depression to spiral so low and keep me there.  It's my job to be rigorously honest with you so that you can use your spiritual gifts and the leadings the Holy Spirit is giving you to help me through this dark time."

If I don't do these things, I am wasting my time.
If I don't do these things, I am wasting my therapist's valuable time when she could be helping someone else.
If I don't do these things, I won't receive the help I need to stand up against the spiritual warfare I am under which could last longer than I know at the time.

Throughout the years of being in therapy (since I was 15), I've had to fight very hard battles just to get my voice out of my throat.  Mix in the abuse secrets that were never to be discussed with anyone and you get a pretty messed up young lady.  Have her pick up her first bottle of wine and become a closet drinker and now you've got the ingredients for an isolated, non-talkative, everything looks good on the outside behind that plastered smile and someday....there's going to be an avalanche.

When the avalanche happened (several avalanches, actually), I was not prepared for the emotional pain and scars that were left behind.  Gaping wounds, permanent loss of the use of my heart, a devastated path of destruction left in its wake then complete silence in my soul - my dead soul - that would never again trust people or love people or seek out close friendships.

I stayed that way for many years.

Therapy helped a lot.  I trusted my second therapist, Liz Morrison.  I trusted my third therapist, Carol Davis-Serpas,  I trusted my Life Coach, Jeff Weineke.  I trusted my fourth therapist, Julie Tevenan.  I trusted my inpatient therapists at Alexian Brothers.  I trust my sixth therapist, Faith Gallup.

I alone am responsible for the quality of my recovery.  No one else can do it for me.
I alone am the only one who can discern what I need.  No one else is inside of me.
I alone can communicate what is working well and what is not.  I need to speak up.
I alone determine what I can handle at any given time.  I listen to suggestions - I stay open.

In the process of recovery, my therapist is my teammate.  I joined her team because she has the training and experience to move my ball down the field and score a touchdown.  I know I'm going to get tackled along the way.  I know there might be some injuries.  I know there will be some reviews of some plays.  I know I might get some penalties and the ball will move backwards instead of forward.

But this I also know:

1.  God drafted me as a #1 draft pick on His team.
2.  God's training camp is full and complete, lacking nothing.
3.  God assigned the right coach for this time in my life.
4.  God is the only coach with a perfect record of all wins and no losses.
5.  God's winning plan is not a secret.
6.  God invites every player to be transformed into wholeness and holiness.

My therapist is not responsible for my actions - I am.

When I'm having self-destructive thoughts, it's not her fault nor her responsibility to fix them.  It's my responsibility to call her or my psychiatrist or dial 911.

I am responsible for me.
No one else is.

And you know what?

I can do it!!

Learning How To Live A Better Life

I'm trying to live a better life.

Not a perfect life - I've already tried it and decided it's not worth the stress.
Not a life someone else thinks I should live - too much pressure for their approval.
Not a broken life - I'm allowing healing to take place no matter how slow it moves.

Two years ago on October 14th, God willing, I cut for the last time.  I can't believe I've been able to resist that form of self-injury with all these feelings leaking out of the holes in my recovery process.  The holes I'm referring to are not negatives or things I'm missing.  The holes represent times in my life when I did not feel what I was experiencing - I simply survived it.  Introducing then connecting feelings to those experiences is foreign but very necessary so that I can come full circle.

I'm no longer obsessed about folding knives, hunting knives, etc..  I'm not buying first aid supplies. I'm not living in the dark - I turn the lights on every night.  I don't watch violent movies all the time.  I talk more and have better quality friendships.  I've let go of relationships that were hurtful.

I'm learning how to create a better life.

I have an idea of what it will look like - some of the characteristics.

I take my meds as prescribed although I do allow a day off a week.
I pamper my kitties and make sure their needs are meet everyday.
I keep my house orderly and clean.
The struggles I have with my body both in size and hygiene I keep working on.
I set goals so that I can feel a sense of accomplishment.
I ask for help when I need it.
I sleep enough, rest enough and spend time learning about God.
I meet with friends and spend time with my family as I can.
I don't make plans too far ahead so that I don't disappoint people.

Key:  I allow myself to change anything I need to as I need to.

This is how I learn how to live a better life.

I keep practicing.

Gratitude List

A gratitude list can never go wrong.

It's a good way to get back to the basics.

Today's list is focusing on the things of nature and using my first and middles names.

Here we go:

A - acorns that fall from trees and crunch under my feet.

M - many types of tall grasses that grow in the prairies.

Y - yellow flowers from dandelions to daffodils.

K - kayaks and their passengers paddling their way on lazy rivers.

A - a black bear that casually walks in front of my mom's house.

T - tall trees with bending branches that stretch up toward heaven.

H - hills for deer that are eating the grass in the dusk of the day.

L - lily pads where their flowers bloom and cover areas of small ponds.

E - education centers about nature

E - elephant:  Which animal is always ready to travel?  Elephant - always has his trunk!!

N - nature's creator, God.  He made all of it, created the delicate balance of it and entrusted the care of it to us.