It's been eye opening and refreshing to hear how many of us feel the same way.
I've been feeling insecure for awhile. I'm not sure if it's from the depression or from getting ready to write the next portion of my book. For some reason, insecurity has reared its ugly head.
It's showing itself in the form of substantiated past fear. People breaking into my house, being touched when I don't want to be touched and having to respond violently in order to keep myself safe.
This includes keeping a knife near my bed, a bat near my couch and mace on my key ring. Other forms of security include making sure all doors and windows are locked, my car doors are locked when traveling and staying aware of my surroundings.
Most of these are healthy forms of protection. Some, however, are not and are not safe for me.
- Keeping a knife near my bed is not safe because I self-injure, so I don't do it.
- Keeping a bat near my couch is not safe because I might over react and break something.
My Mom told me to keep a can of wasp spray in or near my bed. In case of an intruder, it has up to a twenty foot spray range and when the spray hits the intruder on the face or in the eyes, they have to go to the emergency room for treatment. Then they are caught by police. That sounds good.
Last night I was feeling emotionally scared. I was laying on the couch trying to settle down by watching a movie. When I was going through my coping skills I remembered one that really helped.
When I was in therapy a few years ago there were some sessions when I was an emotional mess. The therapist told me to lay down on the couch. By that time I trusted her so I laid down. She reached up over me, grabbed the blanket and covered me up. I calmed down almost instantly.
I don't remember anything else about the session. I felt safe. I felt warmth. I felt nurtured.
My therapist took me to the safe warm place of my God. He was able to nurture me and tenderly calm me because my therapist and I invited Him into our session. God doesn't go where He isn't wanted.
My therapist took me to the safe warm place of my God. He was able to nurture me and tenderly calm me because my therapist and I invited Him into our session. God doesn't go where He isn't wanted.
That's the safe place I took myself to. I brought all of my fears and insecurities to that place, to God, to that therapist, to that therapy room, to that couch and to that blanket. I wanted to be there. In fact, her last words to me were, "Amy, I'll always be your therapist." And I know God reminds me that He'll always be my loving and safe Father.
God has given me unbelievable therapists. Every one of them has been hand picked by Him. I know this to be an unequivocal fact. They are wise, safe, nurturing, real and seek God's direction. They are humble in nature and have a good sense of humor when needed.
Insecurity perpetuates the fear my past abuse (especially the sexual abuse) and mental illness already dishes out. I know I've overcome a lot. There's still more work to be done.
Maybe 2014 will be the year when more insecurity can be released into the hands of heaven.
