God Returns That Which Was Lost

This is a miracle to me, one that reaffirms my love for God even more.

Thursday night I was calling for my other outdoor cat, Lizzie.  She is an outdoor cat so when she's out overnight I have no worries.  However, on the heels of having just lost Kitten, I was feeling more protective.  I called for her more than usual.  She did not come when called.  I closed the door and locked it.  I figured she would be back in the morning.

Morning came.  I opened the door - no Lizzie.  Again, I'm not concerned because she's an outdoor cat.  I was expecting her to come home mid-morning when her tummy would be hungry.  If there's one thing you can depend on is a hungry pet coming home to be fed.

I had to run some errands with a friend so I was gone for a few hours.  When I pulled in and parked, I expected to see her in her usual spot - underneath the bushes near my patio.  I called her name and instead of running out from under the bushes or the neighbor's yard, I heard a faint meow.  I called her name and heard another faint meow.  I asked my friend if she heard what I was hearing and she said no.  I called for Lizzie again and heard another meow.  That time my friend heard it.

Now it became a game of repeating Lizzie's name, hearing the meow and walking around the outside of my house, over to the back of the neighbor's property, my friend went through the front part of his property and then I hear, "Amy!  I think Lizzie is in his shed!"

I looked and the shed was opened just a few inches wide.  Neither one of us could figure out how she got in there.  I separated the sliding doors and a cat shot out of the shed and stopped just a few feet from us.  It wasn't Lizzie.  If it wasn't Lizzie, who was it?

IT WAS KITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The day she disappeared, 16 days ago, was the day he cut and trimmed his lawn.  I figure she was over there sniffing around like she usually does then she got spooked by the mower.  She probably ran and hid in the shed then got locked up in there with no way out.  Even though my friend and I went walking through there a couple of times calling her name, she never meowed otherwise we would have found her.

Here's the thing:

I never felt like she died, only that she had disappeared. Through all the crying I did, I know God was trying to show me something. One of my core beliefs is this: God does not waste pain. He told me some things I need to change in order for the book to be written the way He wants it to be written. It's going to be a painful process but had I not cried the way I did over Kitten, I never would have known what He meant.

I cried over something that did not die.  

To me, it was lost.

I did not know where it was.

it was as good as dead.  

God is so good.  She's lost weight, is eating fine and drinking water.  She wants lots of love, she's sleeping soundly and has no desire to go outside.  Good, because I'm not so sure I'm going to let her out anymore!!

P.S.  Lizzie came home soon after Kitten was found.

It's Friday - Faith is Home

Chicago's O'Hare International Airport

I know my therapist is arriving home from El Salvador.  I spent some time Thursday praying for her flight (that the pilots would be sober and of clear mind, that the plane would not have mechanical difficulty, that Faith would be able to begin transitioning from the region she was in and re-enter back into Illinois, U.S.A.).

If you've never been in a third world country, it's a bit of a shock.  What you see, smell, hear, eat...it's all foreign to what you're used to.  You're entrenched in the daily routine of the marginalized poor who often times have nothing but severe depression - no sign of hope.  You come from a country where your homeless are so much better off than the people and families you are serving.  Your heart aches for these broken hearts before you because you want to give them everything you have but you know that's not possible.  So, why are you there?  What can you do to help?

The good news is when you're hooked up with a ministry that is doing the work of the Lord in a way that is pleasing to Him, you get to witness miracles and breakthroughs, frowns into smiles and the lost finding their way to Jesus.  You see God's children who were closed off to Him begin to warm up.  Then sometimes, they catch you off guard and ask you to help them get into Heaven.

When I was in the Dominican Republic in October 1995 for a week, we partnered with Habitat for Humanity.  We worked alongside the same families the entire week and we busted our butts.  Those families said they'd never seen a group of workers work so hard to help them finish their homes so they'd have a place to live.  We never thought about it.  We were there to do a job - Serve Jesus with all our heart, mind, soul and strength.  That's what the Bible tells us to do.

Before I left I was told to pick a person I could unload my experiences onto when I returned.  I asked a woman named Pat who was on staff in our children's ministry.  Pat and I, at that time, had been blessed with a little bit of a friendship.  Not a long one or a deep one but one that served a major event in her life and two major events in mine.  Being listened to was wonderful.  Faith is doing the same.

Because Faith and I have a strict therapist/client relationship, I won't get to sit across from her and listen to her trip.  I won't get to ask her how it started when she got there, where she sensed God talking to her, when she most used her spiritual gifts, who would be the in country people she'd be working alongside, did she have an easy time fitting in with her team, did she make new friends, did God use the story of Jesus calming the storm when the disciples were in the boat with Him and freaking out?

Then I would ask her this:

This trip is filled with moments when God made His presence known to you.  Which one was most significant to your spiritual growth and how will it prepare you for the mission God has for your future?

Yeah, I wish I could sit across from her.

One More Day

The closer it gets to Friday, the better I feel.  The last 10 days have been rough.  With the disappearance of my cat and my therapist on a mission trip, it felt like two big losses at one time.

I can feel my energy returning.  I'm forcing myself to go outside, go to a movie or two and distract myself in other ways.  I don't like being out of the house so much.  I feel scared.

I don't know what to write about.  Two friends have been having some struggles.  I wish I knew them better so I could help.  What would I do?  I would listen and give them each a hug.

I think I should eat dinner.  I've eaten too much popcorn this week.  I can feel it. I didn't put any butter or salt on it.  I think I was giving myself something for the sad feelings.

I'll be okay.  I prayed for Faith every morning and evening.  I did the best I could do.  I know God was interceding on my behalf.  He's so faithful when we are weak.

Yes, I shall order dinner.  I'm down to apples and peanut butter which ain't gonna cut it tonight.

Good night, Lord.

Dream vs. Reality

I've heard of people being on the operating table.
They die and are in heaven
They see the bright light,
Some talk to God,
All of them come back to tell a story.

I wonder if some of those stories are true.

I don't know anyone personally who has met God.
Our church has never brought in anyone who's had that experience.
It makes me wonder if what they experienced was a dream.
A dream that felt so real it shook their beliefs to the core of their being.
It would mine.

If I wasn't already a Christian.

I think of this because there are times I wish I could have that experience.
I could fall into a deep sleep, one where my heart is faintly beating.
It's dark except for a light that is not too bright but is warm and inviting.
There is no shape of a Being.
I feel completely safe.

There's a man's voice, one with authority,
and with all the tenderness your heart can hold.
He speaks in another language.
You understand Him completely.
The shape of two men stand before you.

One of them reaches both arms out to you and draws you toward Him.
The other places a robe around you and a crown of jewels on your head.
The voice tells you, you have served the Kingdom of God well.
You lift up your eyes, your face drenched in tears.
You don't want to wake up.

Slowly your breathing returns to normal rhythms.
Your body starts shifting and rousing from sleep.
You can hear the sounds and smell the smells around you.
Your eyes begin to open and you're on your bed.
Did that really happen?

Or was it just a dream?

What Does Your 10% Look Like?

A few years ago, my pastor preached on "Finishing Well."  (my recollection) He talked about workers (ministry and worldly) only giving 90% instead of 100%.  It seemed the quality of work was top notch at the beginning but then a strange thing would happen.  Near the end of a project, the project would be completed but finishing the job became more of a burden than a motivator.

People would stop showing up to finish the job, abandon their responsibilities and determined what they had completed was good enough.  After all, they finished 90% on time, the job was basically done and who could complain about that?

In my life at that time, I was a high achiever.  I had a high performance job, I served in a high performance position in ministry and all I knew was high performance living.  I couldn't imagine myself only giving 90%.  I always gave 100%.

But then something happened.  I began to have migraines on a regular basis.  I started losing sleep.  I started gaining weight.  My relationship with God was not what I wanted it to be.  I was substituting healthy living with high performance.  I was going downhill.

I remembered what my pastor said.  He didn't say to live full speed 100% of the time.  He didn't say to give yourself to your job or ministry 100% of the time.  He said to do what God has given you to do and make sure to do the last 10%.  Big difference.

When I run reports and I realize I could have added some numbers that would help my boss, do the extra 10% and rerun the report.  When I train someone and I remember I forgot to tell them about a simple database tool don't wait until tomorrow.  Do the last 10% and tell them today.  When I forget my gym shoes so I can walk outside where I'll be refreshed don't just pull out and drive away.  Do the last 10% so some stress can go away.

 Now that I'm on disability for mental illness and back injury, my last 10%  looks a little different.

1. If I take my meds but I forgot to fill it with the ones I just picked up, do the last 10% and fill the rest of the pill box.
2. If I need CPAP supplies but I keep having to wait too long on the phone, do the last 10% by using speakerphone and hold until someone answers no mater how long it takes.
3. If I need to speak to my therapist but she's not available, do the last 10% by finding another coping behavior that will help me instead of hurting myself.
4. If my finances are tight and I'm feeling stressed out, do the last 10% by reworking the numbers and asking God if there's someone who can help me.
5. If my house is cluttered and dirty by my standards, do the last 10% by asking my sisters to come over and help me.

This, for me, is now about asking for help.  Somethings I can do on my own like keeping up with most of the housework because I have a small home.  Other stuff that takes my brain is a little tougher.  

In any case, doing the last 10% keeps me responsible for myself which is where the responsibility lays.

The Body and Grieving

Can the feelings in my body be traced to grief and stress?  I feel overly tired, nauseous, I'm walking slower and my concentration is way down.  It's hard to tell what is causing it.

The reason I bring it up is because  I could sleep the day away while listening to the nature sounds outside my window and not have a care in the world.

Is this healthy or am I trying to escape?

Given my food cravings are at an all time high, I suspect I'm trying to find a way to escape using a positive coping behavior.  Even my dreams are an extension of healthy ways of letting go.

To be able to rest when my inner world is a bit upside down is a real gift from God.  I appreciate the quiet He gives during the storms and the calm He gives when I am scared.  Jesus brings stability when my thoughts are scattered and the Holy Spirit counsels me when I need to hear the truth that will satisfy my soul.

Where would I be without my relationship with Jesus?

Lost and lonely

When Your Therapist Leaves for a Missions Trip

It was a week ago when I found out Faith would be going to El Salvador on a missions trip from Friday, Jul 25th - Friday, Aug 1st.  There were little hints as I look back pointing to that reality.  It wasn't until I put those hints together that I realized what was about to happen.

I've had many times when therapists have gone on vacation.  I'm glad they get to have a break because dealing with mental illness is very draining.  But that doesn't stop me from having feelings of sadness, abandonment and scared right before they leave.  I usually write them a letter of whatever God has placed on my heart to give to them.  It takes a few days after they've left to settle down.

Once I'm back into the routine, I feel more calm and less anxious. I pray for them without shaking and my addictions of overeating and such are not so hard to combat.  I can sense the peace of God within me and I can sense how He wants me to pray for them each day they are away.

One time, one of my therapists gave me something to hold onto while she was on vacation.  It was her lip balm. She said to keep it with me as a reminder that she loved me and she was coming back.  Wouldn't you know I kept it with me all the time?  I slept with it in my hand and I cried with it when I was missing her.  It helped me more than you can know because I was at the early stage of discovering my dad had sexually abused me.

Since I had been on two mission trips, I wanted to give Faith something special to take with her but I knew it couldn't be a gift, like the perfect journal I had found at Barnes & Noble.  I knew I couldn't write a personal letter to her, either.  What could I do?  I decided to sit in front of my laptop screen and let the Holy Spirit write the letter to her.  That way, the words would be elegant and true.

I read it over and over again.  I made sure there was nothing inappropriate and of course, there wasn't.  All I had to do was fold it, tuck it into an envelope and give it to her.  I thought it was going to be easy but there's always a glitch.

The next day I went in for my session.  Near the end I brought up the envelope.  I told her, "I didn't think it broke the rules," to which she replied, "I'll pray over it."  Ugh.  This is so messed up.  I said, "Look, I prayed about what to write.  Your name isn't in it, my name isn't in it, I didn't write this to you or anything like that. I just think it will be a source of encouragement while you're over there if you want something like that.  That's all."  She said to give it her so I did.  On the outside of the envelope I asked her to wait to open it until she is on the airplane or in country.

I'm not going to share what was written right now.  I'm going to ask Faith for her permission first.  I can tell you that I've been using it as a prayer guide in the evenings when I pray for her.  In the mornings I pray for her health, protection from harm, bonding with the team, a warm welcome as a social worker, ideas that are fresh for the communities they are serving and that her digestive system not have any problems while she is over there.

I know she'd appreciate you're prayers, too.
Thank you.