Void Yet Functional

There's nothing I could say to anyone that would describe exactly how I'm feeling.  The only thing I know is that I'm in survival mode.  I'm not fighting for my life.  I'm not fighting the ghosts of the past.  I'm not fighting feelings that are in control of my judgment.

I'm simply void.

Void yet 50% functional.  I worked on a chart that is critical for an event where I'm volunteering.  Answered some emails for the same event.  Washed my hair and put on a clean sweatshirt.  Put $5 of gas in my car.  Went to a business to hang up two signs for the event.  Drove down Main Street to eyeball where Cub Scouts and their parents could stand and cheer for the runners on the day of the event.

Then I found myself pulling into the library.  The institution I'm volunteering to help raise funds for.  I pulled in and decided I'll look for a couple of movies but not a book because I haven't been able to read for many months.  After looking in the DVDs, I walked to the computers and began looking up books.  I love John Grisham.  I went back to his early days and found a book I hadn't read.

Just then one of the gals who is also on our committee greeted me.  I smiled and acknowledged her greeting.  I hoped I didn't look mentally ill.  That is a concern believe it or not.  But since I'd washed my hair and put on a clean shirt, chances of that happening were very low.

I found a book and two DVDs.  It felt good to be there.  I was having a sharp pain in my chest and chalked it up to anxiety or stress or something else.  I knew God was helping me get through being out of my house and around other people.  Quite frankly the library has always been a safe place to unwind.  Aside from a few screaming kids because of the new renovation, my library is often a source of relaxation.

Now I'm home.  I'm not washing any dishes.  I'm not vacuuming.  My chest still hurts but I know I am feeling stressed.  I'm going to take the medication that helps calm me down.  It's okay to take it because that's what it's for.

I hope you are having a nice weekend.  We have a lot of sun though it's chilly.  May God bless you with peace beyond all understanding especially during the storms of this life.

All Things Considered

It's Friday.  One week until the event I've been working on with many others for our community takes place.  It's a miracle that I've been able to function and have moments of clarity where I can stay ahead of the game and get my responsibilities accomplished.  Only God deserves the credit for keeping my mind clear and my thoughts straight as I use the talents He's given me to serve this wonderful non-profit group.

I have a task to get done today which should not be too hard.  I'm hoping to have some down time over the weekend to rest up before our task on Monday.  I'm making sure I take care of myself but it's very difficult when all I want to do is curl up on the couch and sleep.  God has been helping me, through His Holy Spirit, by prompting me when to work and when to rest.  Even with the social anxiety I've been pushing myself to do things and go places that are uncomfortable.

I think I'll get out and go vote today.  Our library board and other township elections are taking place.  I like early elections because there aren't many crowds.  Maybe after that I'll take a nap.

Yes, the depression is heavy.  I stayed up late again.  I'm not binge eating.  I have a level 5-6 headache.  I'm taking my medication.  I'm doing as well as can be expected and no one seems to notice.  What a gift.

I'm functioning in a way that is good enough, like Faith says, "All things considered."

I'm dreaming about being hospitalized.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.
It's a lengthy stay.
Just not right now.

God's Plan In Depression

If it weren't for pushing myself to become involved in a not-for-profit that is not Christ centered, I don't know where I would be today.  For so long I sheltered myself in Christian organizations. Each of them showed me more about how God wired me up, the natural gifts He gave me, the talents He wove into the fabric of my being and the little subtleties of imperfections that pop up here and there to remind me that I haven't arrived in the land of perfection.

One of my faux pas is I say something stupid at each meeting. Every meeting.  I hear a movie line in my head but when I deliver it I'm the only one who knows the reference. The ladies around the tables roll their eyes as if to say, "There she goes again."  Yup, there I go again.

I've decided to shut up.  The movie references are only funny to someone who has seen the movie and found that same line funny.  Not many people find the same lines funny.

So the depression continues.  I struggled all day to make sure I could function tonight.  The shaking was so bad I could barely fold the registration forms.  Thankfully the lady next to me needed more to fold.

I don't want to talk to anyone or be seen by anyone.  I want to sleep on the couch.  I want to stay by myself and not be bothered.  I have some things to do for the non-profit I'm a part of.  Thankfully I can do it at home by myself and communicate by email.

I wish I could talk to Faith.  I could use another session.  But they don't do twice a week.

Dr. Didenko wants to hospitalize me to get the meds fixed.  Can't do that a week away from the major non-profit event.  Besides, I really don't want to go there.

Cope:  Movies, Barney Miller, rest, do what has to be done, ask God for help.

A Different Kind of Depression

I look down at my arms and there are no marks.
No cuts, no nothing.
Depression can cause thoughts that lead to injury.
But the battlefield isn't slanted in one direction.
Injury is in the mind, not on the body.

I'm not thinking about it or
ruminating on it or
imagining how good it would feel.
Thinking causes false hope.
Ruminating leads nowhere.
Imagining isn't healthy.


Depression is still a puzzle.
Many pieces,
A border,
Subtle connections
Weird shapes.
A picture at the completion.

This depression is different than previous.
No sadness.
No sulking.
No hopelessness.
No suicidal thoughts.
No urge to self-injure.

Low/No Energy
Sleep on the couch
Hard to stay asleep
Tired during the day
Avoid people, places
Don't want to talk
Stay at home days at a time
Just to be by myself.

No one else except who I have to.

Then I pull out the mask.

Even to God.