List of Movies

When I was hospitalized, one of the suggestions I took with me was making a list of something to help get my mind back in order.  When I'm feeling like I need to hole myself up inside and my brain isn't able to think or read, I make an A-Z list of movies in my collection and pick out something to watch that suits my mood. Here they are alphabetically:

Amazing Grace
Basic
Collateral Damage
Dante's Peak
Erin Brokovich
The Fugitive
G.I. Jane
Happy Feet (First One)
Independence Day
J.A.G. (All 10 Seasons)
A Knight's Tale
Ladder 59
Moses
Night at the Museum
Oh, God (Both)
Platoon
Rambo (All 5)
Star Wars (All 6)
Transformers (All 3)
Under Siege (Both)
Volcano
What About Bob?

I have about 3-4 times more videos and dvds.  These are my favorites to watch. Sometimes after making this list, like now, I feel a little better.  My cat still has not come home.  It's been three days.  I'm more accepting that she has walked off to be with God or something happened to her which has brought her to the same place.

Outside cats are very hard to have.  They come to you from outside, they live with you but like to go outside. You get them flea collars and name collars in case anything happens to them. You give them kisses and pray they'll come home each day you let them out.

When they don't, you have this sinking feeling inside.  You're not surprised nor are you overly optimistic. You hope your kitty will be at the door but they're not.  You walk around your neighborhood calling their name, hoping for a little meow but it's silent.  There's no sign of your kitty so you go back home and pray some more.

I'm almost ready to say good bye to Kitten - that's her name.  I'm going to give her another couple of days. There's still a couple of places I can check and hang up a poster.  She deserves it.

I hope your day is going well.  If not, I hope you find a way to make it better, even if it's just for a little while.

Stress and Fishing

There's a blank space in my mind today.
No surprise there.
Too much stress, too much thinking, too much processing.
I've been trying to take care of multiple items.
Items that need my attention at the same time.
Can't really delay any of them.
Although I don't have to work on them on the same day.

Stress increases the minds inability to function properly.
My mind gets foggy brained - can't think straight.
I try to sort out the priorities but it's too hard.
I keep a spiral deck of index cards which helps.
Writing it down is good.
I wish I had my old brain back.

I'm so tired.
I went fishing yesterday.
I spent a lot of time getting my line ready.
I was trying to focus on the right hook and sinkers.
Hooking the worm was challenging.
Casting the line was great.
I was right on target.
I didn't get any nibbles but I felt good.
The weather was cool and the sun was out.

My upper and lower back started hurting.
I've had two back surgeries in the low back.
I was hoping to last longer.
It's okay, though.
It felt good to be outside doing something I enjoy.

Sat and read a magazine.
Watched many boats go by.
Packed up and walked through the marina to get to my car.
Saw a large school of minnows - very cool!
Got to my car and went home.

Tried to relax for the evening.

I'm very tired most evenings and most mornings.
I wish I could sleep better.
Maybe on another night.

Kitten has not come home.

If I'm Sad, I'll Cry

This is Kitten

I feel very scared and sad today.  I still haven't sorted through the feelings from the past few weeks.  Now one of my most treasured cats hasn't come home.  Her name is Kitten.  I rescued her when she was pregnant with two kittens.  The name seemed to stick.  I guess her age to be eleven.  She's such a sweet kitty and loves to be loved on.  I don't know if she's coming back. That's up to God.

With as many cats as I've had I've gotten used to them venturing off by themselves and not returning.  Some of them have been hit by cars, some of them die at home and some of them I take to the vet and hold them when they cross over from here into eternity.  The hardest ones are when they walk off.

There's a sense of closure that never comes until enough time has passed.  Until then, I hope they'll be on the porch in the morning or when I get home from an errand.  When that doesn't happen, I say a silent prayer for them, knowing God knows where they are even if I do not.  That alone brings me comfort.

I'm not feeling the comfort.  I feel like crying, I feel a lot of stress.  I'm taking more panic/anxiety pills a day than I usually do.  I bought a tub of gum so I don't overeat.  There's no where for me to hide that is dark enough or isolated enough so I cannot be found.

I thought about calling Faith but she only has ten minutes.  I thought about writing down all the crap inside of me but there's nothing I can do about it so why bother.  Stuff with Bonnie keeps churning up and I just want to throw a book at her.  Some book that tells her treating someone with mental illness like they're going to murder your family is like treating someone with cancer like they're going to shave the heads of everyone in your family and make them throw up every time they eat.

I can't wait to do nothing for her birthday.  It's freeing and I hope it sends the right message.  When we met with Lynne, I said I did not want a Christmas card relationship with her.  I throw those away.  We no longer have a relationship.  Even though we were once best friends, that sentiment is a thing of the past..

Anyway, I pray Kitten comes home.  I'll cry if she doesn't.
She's a very sweet kitty.
I love her very much.

Proceed With Caution

It seems this is the second day for processing loss in childhood friendships.  I don't know why this is coming up so strongly but it is.  Maybe because I'm feeling sad about the neglect and abandonment that lead to so much isolation.

I was looking at Facebook photos of two friends who were enjoying time on the lake, standing in a rain shower and other activities.  I read their comments and comments from their friends.  These were once two of my friends until they made other choices.

I don't know why they did that but they did.  One of their friends even said recently she had no idea I was a friend of theirs.  Of course not - I was never part of their group.

I was never pretty enough or thin enough or sporty enough or popular enough to fit in.  I was average, a little overweight, usually had a handful of friends and my grades were above average most of the time.

In high school, if I had to get something and go to my locker and if the same was true for one of the two of my friends, then we could say, "Hi," to each other.  Even then, there was no eye contact.  Otherwise, nothing.

I didn't exist.

How do you marry that to today's friendship?  I'm not sure.  At first I was so excited to see them I was filled with joy.  The second time was just the one friend and I which was very nice.  The third time was the other friend and I at the second match which was nice.

But now?  I'm not so sure.  I don't fit in with their group.  I don't fit in with what they do.  I don't fit in with much of anything.  I knew this when I first met with them, to not have high expectations.  To remember that their lives have been lived together for the last 40+ years.  Ours were only lived together for 3rd-8th grade, really.

So I have to say to God, "Lord, I love these gals.  You've brought me into their lives and them into mine.  I do not know the reason, Lord.  Please give me the strength and courage to remain in you so I can remain with them.  They are precious in your sight, Father.  Let me not grow weary or have doubt.  In Jesus precious name I pray, Amen."

Separated By Survival

I'm the oldest of three girls.  My first sister is 20 months younger than I.  My second sister is 38 months younger than I.  We were born close together.  I wish my relationship with them had been that way, too.

When I was born, we lived in an apartment in Evanston, IL.  Both of my parents families were there so it made sense to live there.  Before my first sister was born, my parents decided to move out to the country.  We lived in that house when my second sister was born.

When I turned five my parents bought a new ranch home not far from where we lived.  There was no grass yet but when there was it was a very nice sized yard to play in.  The village had a lot of kids to play with, three parks to ride your bike to and the Fox River to swim in, ice skate on or float on with those great big tubs.  Mischief?  Oh yes.  But it was where we grew up.

The village had a bar.  It's where my dad spent a lot of his time and where my sisters and I spent a lot of our time.  The hard part was when we were left at home alone at night.  I would call the bar and ask to speak to my mom.  Sometimes my mom would answer the phone and sometimes it would be my dad.  If it was mom she said she'd be home soon.  If it was my dad he'd say never mind when we're coming home.  Either answer meant nobody was coming home no matter how often I asked or how scared we were.

Being the big sister meant I had unfair responsibilities put on me.  Because of that it became me against my two sisters.  Whenever we fought or argued or had a water fight down the hallway or when I became so angry I poured my cereal on one of their heads or one time when I threw steak knives at them, it was me against them.

What about the physical abuse?  It was always on me.  Never on them.  My job was to protect them from the monster.  They were too young.  I was old enough to understand.  I was the one who had the staring matches with him, who got slammed into the wall by my neck, who got told to get the f$&* out of the house when I ran away, who was driving him home drunk for 14 miles one way, who would have killed him if I had the means.

My sisters had each other.  I had no one.
They watched out for each other.  I watched out for them, my mom and myself.
They played together.  I played with friends.
They went to school together.  I made sure they got to where they needed to be.

Today, in 2014, I am still a third wheel.  I can feel it.  When we're together at a family function they don't even know they're doing it.  They have their own way of talking to each other.  They don't know I'm sitting there.  It's like they're in their own world.  I can see it in their eyes, their mannerisms and their behaviors.

My relationship with each of them has improved.  I grieve that loss every time we're together.  It's like a nail piercing my heart.  This little voice says, "You're never going to have with them what they have with each other."  And that little voice is right.

And this is what I have to say back to that little voice:

Damn you, Dad!
Damn you, Mom!
Damn you, Alcoholism!
Damn you, Sin!

Here Are My Hands

Another day where I need to rest.

Another great song by Aaron Niequist.  This time with drawing.

It's really cool.

I really appreciate Aaron's walk with the Lord and his spiritual gift of worship.

I pray your Monday is a good one.

Changed

This is God's day, as is every other day.  I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on any one thought.  I want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Instead of doing that I'm going to share a video from my favorites collection.

It's called, "Changed" by Aaron Niequist

Have a blessed day and remember to take good care of yourself.