About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Friday, June 07, 2013

If I Was A Jedi



If I were a Jedi, I'd cruise through outer space,
Searching out abusers then punching them in the face.
I wouldn't ask any questions, there is no need to "share,"
They lie or give excuses, expecting me to care.
Apologies are empty, promises kept are few,
I have no love for abusers, even if they are people, too.

They think they are hiding, they creep outside your door,
You think maybe they've gone away, until a creak sounds from your floor.
The back light casts a shadow, the outline of their body is clear,
You feel yourself stiffen up, you know that they are near.
Eyes closed tight, you brace, for the unwanted touch,
A touch that leaves you wounded, a touch that bleeds too much.

There are those who suffer in silence, if only their bruises could speak,
They would tell of the many beatings you get, everyday, every week.
But talking is not allowed, every hit and shove a secret,
The abuser's anger is always the boss, so you stay tight lipped and keep it.
You stay awake through the night, though your body needs the rest,
Fear is now your only friend, every time you undress. 

Where's a child to take this, where's a child to go?
I take it to my God above because the Bible tells me so.
He is my heavenly Father, the only one who's safe,
He keeps me very close in hand, in His very special place.
He saw everything, and during it He cried.
That is why He sent Jesus, to be with me, by my side.

If I were a Jedi, I'd cruise through outer space,
Searching out abusers then punching them in the face.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Laughter In Movies

This is one of those rainy days.  I feel closed off.  Feeling a financial squeeze.  I know God will provide.  He always does.  Three more car payments and then it's finished.

Didn't get to sleep last night until 5:00 this morning.  Couldn't relax or quiet my mind.  Took my medication.  Woke up at 8:30.  Yawning a lot.  Want to sleep.

Watched three movies last night:  "Oh, God" with George Burns and John Denver.  Loved it, again! "It's Kind of a Funny Story" about people with mental illness. Last one was "Life As You Know It" about two people who try to raise their friends child.

Now I'm going to watch Tim Burton's "Frankenweenie" about a science kid who brings his dog back to life.  Then I'll start "Homeland" the first season. 

Maybe a mindless night will bring some sleep.  I think I was over stimulated by group yesterday.  Even though I spent two and a half hours at my forest preserve trying to decrease it, maybe the outdoors not only simmered me down but also refreshed me.  I'd do it again.

Peace out!

A clip from Oh, God.



Tuesday, June 04, 2013

A Busy Mind

Dear God,

I want to thank you for the wonderful news yesterday.  Medicaid FINALLY processed all my expenses and you rewarded my work by having my spend down met from Nov 2012 - Jul 2013.  I'm so excited!  Now I can submit the mental health bill, Dr. Didenko's bill and order my new glasses.  Next is to send in the pharmacy expenses and prescription D expense.  I think August and September will be covered once those are processed.

I'm shaking today.  Since I woke up, through group and presently.  It's mostly my head and not much with my hands.  My neurologist said it was my emotions.  I agree. I think it's my anxiety.

Group therapy for stress management met for the first time today.  I thank you Lord that it's all women.  And it's a small group.  I like everyone there.  I did good being with people I've never met.  Having Faith as the facilitator was added comfort.  I tried to participate and did well.  I talked about Aaron's sky lantern liftoff we did this year to remember him and the importance of journaling (for me) when I'm feeling stress.  I suggested a group rule:  Listen with your eyes.  I find it difficult to concentrate when some one is interrupting the person who is trying to speak.  Eye contact reflects your interested in what the person is saying.

The book arrived, "How To Write Your Own Life Story."  I glanced through the contents.  I think I can use a lot of the suggestions with our book.  It's important to keep two notebooks:  One for thoughts and the other for writing assignments.  It will be interesting to see how much of these ideas I can apply.  Some of them are rather positive.  That wouldn't be so bad, would it?  :)

Lord, I think I'm overly anxious.  My mind is active and racing.  My legs are bouncing.  It's like I'm on speed (although I don't know what that's like) and I can't find the brake.  I keep telling myself it's okay to stay out in public.  So I drove to the library and here I type.  It's nice to be around people but not involved with people.

Father, I'm going to listen to the two messages from church I missed.  I think that will help me get centered on your peace and rest.  I don't know if I can control this shaking/bouncing but I know if I don't try I won't know.

Your persevering daughter,
Amy Kathleen



Monday, June 03, 2013

God Alone

Dear God,

Thank you for my session with Faith.  I feel renewed.  I stopped shaking by the end of it.  Her presence is very soothing.

I gave her a copy of our book with the updates.  I began weaving you into it.  It wasn't hard.

I'm feeling kind of crummy.  Just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie.  I've done enough for today.  Tomorrow I start group with Faith teaching.  I'm nervous.  I'm sure I'll be okay for the next 10 weeks.

I love you.

Your scared daughter,
Amy Kathleen


Sunday, June 02, 2013

Healing Rain

Dear God,

I know you will provide for all my needs according your riches in Christ Jesus.  Help me to own that truth.

I literally feel sick to my stomach as I juggle your money.  The $100 surprise ticket in the mail, while I did roll through a red light, is nevertheless hard to squeeze in.  On top of that, before the ticket, I planned on taking my niece to Great America for her graduation/golden birthday.  So, the hundred dollars I was going to use just got sucked up.  Now what?

I hate living so tightly.  September can't come soon enough when my car is paid off.  Lord, I know you understand all of this.  I know you will help provide.  Still, I'm always anxious until that happens.  Right now would be great!  

I've been feeling depressed today - still.  It's heavy.  I've got to print a copy of my story for Faith.  I can do that tomorrow.  I don't even want to do anything.  I've already been out and about today.  I spent $20 on myself.  I couldn't not get anything.  $10 was needs and $10 was books/videos.  The Dollar Tree and Goodwill are my favorite places.  I didn't eat out.  

The truth is God, I'm still hurt about a friend.  I don't know what to do.  I really don't.  I sent another email apologizing for making a mistake.  Asked again for a chat time.  No response.  I don't understand.  I'm so used to other friends responding within a few days or so.  This friend included.  I don't know if I'm asking too much or if...I dunno.  I pray for healing, Lord.  Jesus, please hold the three cords together.  I feel very sad.  Maybe my expectations are too high.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen