Dear God,
For yesterday and today I've been trying to give myself a break from all that is troubling my mind. I just found out my mom is having a biopsy in nine days. The ultrasound showed something and now the doctor's want to take a closer look. My sisters and I are praying it's not cancer. However, if it is, there's a good chance for complete recovery.
My mom lives six hours north in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. She is pretty far from my sisters and I. We'd like her to move closer but that's something she can't do right now. It worries me to think as she approaches her 70th birthday that more medical things are going to start happening. We want her close to us.
We're coming up with a plan for what we need to do to make sure she feels supported and is being well taken care of. It's nice to be in a family that has been living in recovery for over 30 years. We're all on the same page. No one person is being dumped on.
Our family has come a long way. My mom was the leader who took charge so her daughters had a better chance of surviving. My mom is my hero.
She always will be.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Saturday, May 04, 2013
Thursday, May 02, 2013
My Trust In You
Dear God,
It feels good to be writing again. Friends and family are giving me helpful suggestions. Yesterday I wrote the first page of chapter one. I'm committed to writing a minimum of one page per day.
I'm starting at the very beginning. One of the favorite sentences I've written is this: "I gave up long ago as a child and God has been carrying me ever since." And indeed you have!
Like many people who grew up in a violent alcoholic home, my tendency to skim the surface of my childhood is very tempting. Going into detail is going to be hard even though I've shared my story dozens of times in different settings. Putting it down on paper feels exposing and frightening.
What will get me through this? It certainly won't be relying on myself or others. It's complete dependency and abandonment to your desire to have my story written. If I can keep that truth in front of me and remember all the times you've requested I do this for the past twenty years, I'll be fine.
Lord, please give me emotional and mental health to write just for today. Help me to write one word at a time, one paragraph at a time, for such a time as this. Let Your Presence be felt for you are the Great Healer.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
It feels good to be writing again. Friends and family are giving me helpful suggestions. Yesterday I wrote the first page of chapter one. I'm committed to writing a minimum of one page per day.
I'm starting at the very beginning. One of the favorite sentences I've written is this: "I gave up long ago as a child and God has been carrying me ever since." And indeed you have!
Like many people who grew up in a violent alcoholic home, my tendency to skim the surface of my childhood is very tempting. Going into detail is going to be hard even though I've shared my story dozens of times in different settings. Putting it down on paper feels exposing and frightening.
What will get me through this? It certainly won't be relying on myself or others. It's complete dependency and abandonment to your desire to have my story written. If I can keep that truth in front of me and remember all the times you've requested I do this for the past twenty years, I'll be fine.
Lord, please give me emotional and mental health to write just for today. Help me to write one word at a time, one paragraph at a time, for such a time as this. Let Your Presence be felt for you are the Great Healer.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Self-Injury
Dear God,
For the last couple of months I have been self-injuring inside of my mouth. I have not drawn blood but I have drawn comfort, soothing and safety. Why do I turn to self-injury as a coping tool? Was it because I pulled my hair out as a child often causing noticeable hair loss on the left side? I don't know.
At 45 years of age I'd like to think I no longer need to hurt myself. I was hurt as a child and an adolescent. The hurt came from people I trusted. But now I don't have anyone who hurts me. I left the relationships that caused hurt either physically, emotionally or mentally. You are my only source of spiritual relationship and you have never hurt me. My spiritual walk is secure.
Jesus was betrayed and hurt. Did he have the wisdom ahead of time to not get close to those who could hurt him? I'm thinking of Judas. I wish I didn't grow up so broken. It takes so long to heal all the cracks in my foundation.
Thank you for giving me the courage to make the right choice today. I chose to reschedule a doctor's appointment and take the appointment when Faith had a cancellation. She sure did like to interrupt. :) The golden nugget I received today is this: Instead of trying to write your book perfect, let myself write as best I can "all things considered." That means to make sure I'm taking care of myself, my whole self, and let the writing take on it's own development. Be steadfast but don't get tangled up in the details.
I love you more than anything or anyone. Lord, please make me an instrument of your peace, and for those who are still suffering, let me bring a solar light of brightness as you position them for more healing.
All my love and all my life,
Amy Kathleen
For the last couple of months I have been self-injuring inside of my mouth. I have not drawn blood but I have drawn comfort, soothing and safety. Why do I turn to self-injury as a coping tool? Was it because I pulled my hair out as a child often causing noticeable hair loss on the left side? I don't know.
At 45 years of age I'd like to think I no longer need to hurt myself. I was hurt as a child and an adolescent. The hurt came from people I trusted. But now I don't have anyone who hurts me. I left the relationships that caused hurt either physically, emotionally or mentally. You are my only source of spiritual relationship and you have never hurt me. My spiritual walk is secure.
Jesus was betrayed and hurt. Did he have the wisdom ahead of time to not get close to those who could hurt him? I'm thinking of Judas. I wish I didn't grow up so broken. It takes so long to heal all the cracks in my foundation.
Thank you for giving me the courage to make the right choice today. I chose to reschedule a doctor's appointment and take the appointment when Faith had a cancellation. She sure did like to interrupt. :) The golden nugget I received today is this: Instead of trying to write your book perfect, let myself write as best I can "all things considered." That means to make sure I'm taking care of myself, my whole self, and let the writing take on it's own development. Be steadfast but don't get tangled up in the details.
I love you more than anything or anyone. Lord, please make me an instrument of your peace, and for those who are still suffering, let me bring a solar light of brightness as you position them for more healing.
All my love and all my life,
Amy Kathleen
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