Faithful Servant

I've been trying to figure out what to write all day.  I don't really have anything.  I was going to write about one of the YouTube videos I watch when I want to cheer up but then I watched this and I was in awe:

This little guy, now thirteen years old, is a gifted violinist just like he was almost ten years ago. The joy he has when playing, his magic trick that makes the audience laugh and his ability to memorize such a long and complicated piece of music is truly remarkable.

If I could share one thing with you today, it would be this:  Sometime in our life, if we have given our sin to Jesus and asked Him to pay for our debt on the cross, we will receive the Holy Spirit as our guide and our personal counselor for the rest of our lives.

God, through the Holy Spirit, will breathe new life into us.  He will bestow spiritual gifts for us to use in the church to advance the work of His Kingdom so that others may know of Jesus' saving grace.

As sweet as that is, He doesn't stop there.  God gives us a purpose.  A purpose designed just for us.  One that only we can do.  He will help us, He will send His believers to help us and it will be something that comes naturally to us.  It won't be easy.  It will require sweat and tears.  

The struggles are many when we become followers of Jesus.  In the end, when we go home to the Lord, there's a good possibility we may hear, 

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Got Music?

Let's begin with a worship song:



Did you listen to the song?  If you did, was there a video playing in your mind as the vocalist sang the words?  Many times when I listen to a song I close my eyes and imagine the lyrics coming to life.  Not for every song but for songs like this one that have word pictures built into them.

Some of my favorite lyrics:

• Elijah, declaring the Word of the Lord
• Moses, righteousness being restored 
• Prepare ye the way of the Lord
• Ezekiel, the dry bones becoming as flesh
• David, rebuilding the temple of praise
• Laborers in your vineyard, declaring the Word of the Lord
• Behold He comes, riding on the clouds
• There's no God like Jehovah

As a preteen I was drawn to music my parents listened to.  My Mom and Dad liked country so it was Willie Nelson, The Statler Brothers, The Oak Ridge Boys and others.  My Mom liked Alabama, Willie Nelson, Helen Reddy, Abba, Connie Francis, Captain & Tennille and Anne Murray.

I started liking my own music and some of their music including Barbara Mandrell, Dolly Parton, Leif Garrett, Saturday Night Fever, The Carpenters, Def Lepperd and Journey.  These are my before Jesus music selections.

When my mom became a Christian she started purchasing music my sisters and I enjoyed listening to.  I was in my late teens and my sisters were in their middle teens.  She brought home Sandi Patty, Amy Grant, 2nd Chapter of Acts, Stryper and Michael W. Smith.  This music wasn't cheesy at all.  It was great to listen to and the "Jesus" message wasn't too pushy.

Music plays a significant part of my life for these reasons: 

1. It helped reduce the traumatic feelings from sexual abuse.
2. It relaxes my body when I feel tense.
3. When I listen to worship music I feel the presence of God.
4. I imagine myself playing the drums or a piano.
5. I play classic rock when cleaning my house so I stay motivated.
6. It distracts me from self-injury on my body.
7. It busy's my mind when I want to drink.
8. Sometimes I sing along just to hear my voice for the day.
9. When I feel scared I play comforting music.
10. I have certain music to listen to when I can't fall asleep.

There's so many ways to use music in our lives.  

If you haven't found a way to bring music into your life, I encourage you to find a website and listen to snippets of music you haven't heard.  Ask your family and friends if they have CD's, MP3's or whatever format is best for you that you can borrow.  

Have fun with it!!!

A Wonderful Beautiful Very Good Day

Having a day that starts with an enjoyable therapy session after a night of barely a restful sleep is wonderful.  I called Faith to let her know I was bringing in my Dominican Republic photo album and taking her on a missions trip.  I was happy to hear she was looking forward to what I experienced.

Like I said, it was a good session. Afterwards I went to a thrift store and mingled.  I rearranged the VHS tapes like I often do.  I do it when they are every which way.  It's an OCD thing.  Then I mossey'd along and found a couple of things.

The weather is so nice today.  Feels like a fall day or a spring day.  Very blessed to feel well enough to enjoy it.  Came home to finish a little paperwork.  Now I'm settling down to read a book.

Some days I'm amazed at how uncomplicated life can be.  I'm so used to living in the crud.  When days like this come along they stand out and my soul sings praises to my King.

I enjoyed a long conversation with the woman I love the most on this earth - my Mom.  She'll be 71 years old on Monday.  Five days later I'll be 47.  This extraordinary woman has tolerated me through some sinful times in my messed up life.  She's loved me through some of the most trying times, too.  Today I consider her one of my greatest confidants.  We share the gift of laughter, driving adventures and loving Jesus.

My mom started my journey in recovery.  She introduced me to a loving God.  She introduced me to my church - her church.  She helped me find a personal relationship with Jesus.  She's been my biggest cheerleader as I write my book.  My Mom is my hero.

Today is a great day:  My therapist, Faith.  Guilt free shopping.  Cool summer weather.  A soul filled with praises.  A long conversation with my hero.

It doesn't get any better than this.

When Your Body Changes

I was in sixth grade when I started eating two meals for dinner.  For the next three years I would gain fifty pounds.  My Dad told me if I kept growing like this I was going to be as big as he was.  I knew it wasn't a compliment.

I was introduced to twelve step groups in the spring of my freshman year.  I was being taught that what was happening in my home was not my fault.  I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, I couldn't cure it.  I needed to focus on my own recovery - to get through each day and rebuild myself from the inside out.

My parents divorced the summer of my freshman year.  I don't remember anything about changing my eating habits.  By senior year I slimmed down quite a bit.  I think I know why.

I was working my own twelve step program.  It was hard and it was lonely.  High School presented it's own challenges. I wasn't part of the popular crowd, the drug toting crowd, the drama/music crowd or the sports crowd. I was part of the normal crowd.  Even then I didn't feel like I fit.

I had a lot of acquaintances and maybe a handful of friends.  Maybe three best friends.  I kept to myself but I wasn't a loner - you know, not creepy.  I was funny, sincere and stuff like that.  And then God brought a teacher into my life.  But that's for another time.

I believe the weight was going down because I was working my program and my self-esteem was going up.  It had no where else to go but up.  I had a sponsor (Gail R), was writing my first fourth step and dealing with some of the yuck.

I was beginning to feel safe.

And in that freedom, my body began to change.

For it, too, began to feel free to change for it was no longer needing to shelter the abuse.

Going the Distance

In my 20's I was in the best physical shape of my life.  I was an avid cyclist, I was on a strict eating plan having lost 60 pounds in six months, I showered and wore clean clothes daily.  I even brushed my teeth in the morning and evening.  I went to the dentist every six months religiously.  I visited my doctor when I needed to.  Most of my physical self was taken good care of.

Most of it.  I did not do PAP Smears.  I ruled that I would never have one unless something was wrong and there was no alternative.  That happened five years ago.  I'd been bleeding for months.  I tried to shrug it off but my sister is a Certified Physician Assistant - she didn't.

I made the appointment to see a Gynecologist. She said I had a polyp that needed to be removed and analyzed.  Most likely it was benign but I needed to see another doctor.

Well, I won't get into that horrible experience.  Let's just say I'd rather continue living with the bleeding than ever see that man again.  Even the medical student was shocked.

Here's the thing.  Before I went on disability, I was struggling with keeping my appearance neat and clean.  I reduced the number of times I showered, I started washing my hair in the sink and I brushed my teeth in the morning only.

Once I was home permanently it got worse.  I started having flashbacks of sexual abuse while in the bathroom getting ready to step into the shower.  One time I sensed someone in the bathroom with me.  Since then I don't shower very often.  I use other methods to get clean.  But then there are times I don't do anything for five months except wash my hair.  That's winter time.

I'm usually depressed and not seeing people.  Even if I was seeing people, I'd make sure my hair was clean so I wouldn't draw attention to myself.  I dunno.  Some days it's hard to get out of bed and give a crap about anything so why bother?

Now that it's summer I'm going to have to put myself into that shower more often.  I decided to buy myself some new body wash that smells really good - kinda like buying a new pair of gym shoes so I'll start walking more.  Whatever it takes to get me into that shower I'm going to have to do.

Heck, maybe some day I might be able to enjoy it like I once did.

1995 Mission Trip to the Dominican Republic

In 1995, I was just over a year involved in a singles ministry at my church.  I was being newly mentored by a woman whose walk with God I admired.  She was mature and she made me laugh. Because of some of the baggage I carried with me, she assured me I would be safe telling her anything. She was right.

She talked to me about going on this one week trip.  There were about 15 of us who were going to meet with our church's on-site folks who would connect us with Habitat for Humanity.  We were going to do hard labor on these homes but I didn't have to do it because of my back (I'd had surgery one and a half years prior).  She asked me to manage all the finances for the trip.

I prayed about it.  I thought about being out of country for the first time.  Leaving my family.  I wasn't working.  Finding leaders for my small group and children's ministry group to replace me for that week.  I decided to stretch myself and go.

Our first job was to pour a cement roof.  The D.R. doesn't have wet cement trucks. We had to make our own on the ground.  It was grueling.  Once it was mixed on the ground it was shoveled up onto a platform then shoveled up into a wheelbarrow then rolled down a two foot wide plank to the rebar where it was tipped and smoothed out.  That was repeated until the entire pitched roof was completed.

Our group was the only one to complete three roofs in three days!!

The last work day we had three houses to work on.  We rebarred a roof, filled in a foundation and emptied a house that was filled with rocks and dirt.

We were blessed with a day at the beach with our Dominican families.  Total fun in the Caribbean.

God affirmed me through so many people.  I re-read my journal and I was stunned at the many positive comments people made about my leadership, kindness and openness to talk.  I remember at the end of the trip wanting to keep those people in my life forever.

Who'da thought?

Dear God...Thank you for...

Dear God,

Thank you for your provision for simple things I take for granted:

1. Waking up in the morning, feeling good with energy and gladness.
2. My kitties and medicine to cure their ailments.
3. A nice car that runs well and I can afford the repairs.
4. A friend who can keep me company while shopping so I'm not alone.
5. Money left until I get my next disability check.
6. Food I enjoy and drinks that are great for summer.
7. Books for 89 cents that are favorites.
8. Speakers for 3 dollars for my laptop.
9. Air conditioners that have worked for three years.
10. A mechanical mind to fix things when they aren't working right.

Thank you for the climate I live in:

1. Northwest suburb of Chicago, IL
2. Thunder and lightening, Hail and Downpours
3. Green skies and tornado warnings
4. Summer temperatures from the 80's into the low 100's
5. Beaches open, picnics, theme parks, swimming pools, botanical gardens
6. Indian Summer - fooled ya!
7. Fall leaves changing colors then falling to the ground
8. Cool air, stars in the sky, walks in the dark, campfires, smores
9. Winter - bitterly cold but oh so beautiful.  Snow, Ice Skating, Blizzards, Christmas
10. Spring - birds singing, nature budding, lakes thawing, Easter Celebration

Thank you for the season of life I find myself in.  It's a lot to be doing.  I am grateful my brain is able to do what you are putting before me to do.  I want to do my best for you, God.  Help me to stay focused on you and not fall back on how what I'm doing is going to reflect on me.

Your loving daughter,

Amy Kathleen