Four weeks of continual migraine or headache. In the middle of that drops in a bad cold. I finally start to feel better last week when I took a turn for the worse. I finally called to schedule an appointment with my doctor but can't get in until the 22nd. That's when I knew I had to go to an immediate care satellite location of my hospital.
When I started to feel better last week, I got bounced with a virus. The doctor said they happened back to back. He asked which symptom brought me in. It was a combination of three, the third one scared me the most. He said to follow-up with my doctor on Friday.
I noticed the messages I received from my friends whom I told I was going there asked if I felt better, how I was feeling and some shared concern about what's going on. I don't know why when asked if I was feeling better or how I was feeling angered me so much. I felt like blurting out, "Why would I be feeling better or any different from the previous day or this morning?" But I didn't.
Sometimes I wish my head and emotions didn't launch into anger so quickly. The nurse aggravated me to no end and she almost lost a hand. I almost dumped a bunch of anger onto my friends who couldn't love me more and I them. The whole issue with my health brought up a barrage of feelings that have a direct connection to the abuse.
When I was younger, I had to take care of myself and nurse myself back to health whether from abuse or sickness.
People who don't let me finish a sentence, a thought or a question they've asked, make me wonder if they really want to know anything from me or if they're making themselves feel better by asking a question.
This is an email from a friend I really miss:
Her:
Hang in there. Do you ever just want a new bod? :) I'll be praying for healing and wholeness all the way around.
Me:
You know what I really wish? That i was never abused as a kid as badly as I was so I wouldn't have migraines. And I also wish that I wasn't abused as a kid so that fear, stress, loud noises and fear of closeness to people wouldn't be part of who I am.
That's what I really wish.
Her:
I wish that for you, too. I was just thinking of how liberating it would be to erase all of the abuse from your childhood so you could live completely freely. I wish I could do that for you. It sucks to have to live with the consequences of someone else's actions - not even your own! I pray for grace, that God will triumph, and for healing of the things that have been etched in your mind and heart without your control.
Me:
You're a faithful friend, No matter how much time passes between our conversations I know that when I say something you will understand perfectly.
CASTING CROWNS: JUST BE HELD
Thanks for keeping me in your life.
I love you a lot and count you as one of my closest friends because you know more about my past and you're always helpful just when I need it. I hope you know I'm here for you, too.
Her:
Thanks - I love you, too! I was just telling God today how it bothers me that I can't be there for you as much as I'd like to be during this phase of life. But know that I am with you in spirit, if not in words/time all the time. I'm glad God still has us understanding each other so well. What a blessing, eh? Hooray, God!
Love you bunches,
Me:
That's for sure!
I'm sure people wonder what your real name is when it is shown in the email of who I'm sending my messages to. I giggle each time I see your name pop up. It's like you're my secret friend that nobody knows about. Which come to think of it sounds a little strange considering I have mental illness. But I know you understand what I mean. I'm going to hit the sack, I have an early morning, so I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers and updated with personal emails instead of always putting you in a group. I gotta tell you, writing this book is kind of blowing my mind away at least what's left of it. But I know God's going to pull me through and I'm not kicking or screaming as I am going through it.
You keep doing what you're doing in the season of life that God has you in. I'm not going anywhere and I know that you're not going anywhere either.
Take care of yourself my friend.
Good night.
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My therapist says anger is sometimes covering up feelings of unfair.
* I feel it's unfair that I've had this illness for so long.
* I feel it's unfair that these migraines are continuing when I haven't had them for four years.
* I feel it's unfair that I'm missing out on church and seeing my friends.
* I feel it's unfair that my body needs so much rest.
* I feel it's unfair that no medication can take any of this away.
I feel fear of the unknown cause of the migraines.
I feel weak for needing so much rest.
I feel self-destructive in my mouth to release some of the anxiety.
God, please hold me.
I'm a mess.
