Tired

Dear God,

I'm exhausted.  Many moments with my family this week.  Spirit is full, body is drained.  Time for some rest.

I'm working on writing the next piece of my book.  I'm at age four when the sexual abuse began.  Soon will come age six, then age eight, then age ten.  So much happened in those four years.

I was so young when my emotions and body experienced abuse and devastation.  Only by your grace was I able to survive.  I still wonder how you're going to use this broken bundle of nerves for your purpose and glory.  I just need to obey your promptings.

The weather is supposed to be chilly.  I might go for a walk tomorrow.  I have some reading to do and writing.  I'm hoping I can spend some quiet time at the forest preserve.

Nothing much else to say.  Please keep those I love safe and secure.  Let them feel your presence in all they say and do.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen     

The Shaking

Dear God,

My upper body is shaking quite a bit.  I don't know what is causing it.  My head, shoulders, arms and hands jerk about.  I don't like it when this happens.

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers to these ailments.  I wish there was a way to control them and/or stop them.  It's a feeling of powerlessness and there are days when it scares me.  This is one of those days.

I'm getting ready to write more of my (your) book.  I've been thinking about writing about a topic this time.  Blurting out on paper what is hard to talk about.  No editing this time.  Just raw footage.

I'm so busy this week.  I've been trying to make sure I get enough rest and eat properly.  I haven't had much exercise.  With the thunderstorms coming into our area, I may not be able to walk for another day or so.  I'm ready to begin an exercise regimen.

Please bless and protect my friend Marie.  Please help Kim to finish her school year positively.  Please bless Anne with some quiet time.  Please grant Brian and Jo sustainable work.  Please protect and bless Ryan on his dog show trip.  Please bless and protect my family.  Please give me courage to overcome my fears.

Your daughter,
Amy Kathleen Endler

Pleasing the Right People

Dear Abba,

I am grieved.  I suspect (with no proof) that my mental illness has caused another casualty.  I don't know this for sure.  I've asked for another explanation but haven't received one.  Yet.

The shaking is back.  My head and hands are trembling.  It's distracting.  Faith often asks what I'm feeling.  I think I'm sad and a little bit afraid.  Sad losing a friend (which I've felt since October) and afraid of the truth she might tell me.  

I know what I have is difficult for some people.  It's difficult for me, too.  I'm trying my best to not mess up.  Sometimes I think being perfect would be so much easier for others.  But not for me.

I don't feel well.  This bronchitis and hacking cough are tiring.  I want to lay down but sometimes that causes a coughing spasm.  Those hurt.  I might be a little depressed, too.

This week is filled with fun stuff with Tina's kids.  I'm busy traveling back and forth to Woodstock.  I'm enjoying my time with them as we celebrate a birthday, make cookies, talk about the dog show, listen to a choral concert, go to a track meet, visit the classroom and watch a school play.  Everyone's growing up so fast.  I cherish these times.

Please help me be the woman you are creating me to be.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen     

Heart Aches

Dear God,

My heart aches, my spirit is saddened, my mind is numb.  The condition of my countenance remains the same.  I have many feelings running through me.  I wish they would slow down.

I can't seem to stop self-injuring.  I've thought of cutting myself just to get me back on track.  This form of coping is not helpful.  Neither of them are helpful.

What is helpful?  Writing, praying, sleeping, going for a walk, petting my kitties and watching a DVD.  Sometimes music, sometimes driving, sometimes cleaning or organizing. 

My story is very hard to write.  It seems I write a page then take 2-3 days to recover until I can write the next one.  At that rate I won't be done for a couple of years.  I wonder if there's a way to simplify it?  

Lord, I surrender to you with complete abandon.  Please help me.  I want to do your will in your time.  I also don't want to hurt anymore - physically.  Please bring serenity to my troubled spirit.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen 

Another One Bites The Dust

Dear God,

I'm sucking my cheeks in and biting down on the outsides of my tongue.  I'm letting go of someone who used to be a friend.  I feel sad and angry.

She stopped responding to my emails.  She's never addressed my requests for a phone chat like she used to.  Did I do something?  I can only speculate.

The shame side of me is embarrassed of my mental illness.  I want to curl inside, into a shell and sleep.  My face is downcast.  I loved my friend.  

I know she's been trying to move on from her previous residency.  She and her husband are discovering new joy in their new location.  Maybe her time in my life and my time in her life is finished.  If so, I thank you for the time you gave us.

I have to let her go.  I can't live in limbo and wonder why she doesn't respond.  It's not fair to me.  I have to take care of myself the best way I know how.  Saying good-bye indirectly is how it is right now.

I want to scream at her, "What's wrong with me?"

Your faithful daughter,
Amy Kathleen