Food is my hardest form of self-harm. I've lost 54 physical pounds but even more emotional weight. I'm not done yet. I still struggle with pulling out my hair from time to time and chewing on the inside of my cheeks. I've stopped other forms of self-injury for over four years. I overeat or hurt myself when I'm stuck in a quandary of feelings. Only by God's grace am I nine years sober.
I'm learning to not "be brave" anymore. I'm learning how to feel emotions, learning their names, and trying not to tell someone I'm fine when I'm not. I'm crying, talking while I'm crying, having crying breakdowns and crying in front of my therapist and Bible study friends. This is good progress and self-care.
With depression, I'm learning the difference between isolation and quiet time. One is unhealthy; the other is for replenishing. There are days I'm physically exhausted and can't think. That's when I've pushed myself too far. As an introvert, who has multiple mental illnesses, I need to balance my time better and set aside quiet days to do nothing - like rest.
I'm recognizing depression runs in cycles and how important it is to see my therapist more often and tell my psychiatrist so he can adjust my medications or prescribe TMS treatments. I no longer blame myself for causing it. It's the brain chemistry getting goofy. I make sure I've taken my medications and if so, I don't freak out.
I'm reaching out to family and friends for support (especially grief support) and try to let go of the guilt of not being able to give back during these times...to say, "I'm sorry, I can't get together or talk. I need prayer." They understand. They tell me they miss me, they love me, and ask if I need anything. Love in action. Blessings each one.
I want to live in God's hope, participate in a few social gatherings a month, take care of my pets, and live in the identity God gave me.
I can't do that without proper self-care. Self-care requires change. That's where it begins.
A willingness to change. With God guiding - not me!
