When Your Sleep Shouts Out

I didn't tell anyone about this until yesterday.  I've had so many prayer requests that I did not want to burden my friends with one more.  I knew they couldn't help me, so why bother?  Because they are my friends.

In my experience, abuse recovery shows itself in many ways.  This is one of them for me.  I do most of my falling asleep on the couch then at some point bounce up to get into bed.  I stick to my normal routine then I get all snuggled into my blankets and holding a pillow close to me (like a hug) and I close my eyes.  In the background I've already started playing a video that has nature sounds and a man reads scripture.  It's relaxing as I feel God's Word wash over me.  I am at peace.

Then, while I'm sleeping, it happens.  I feel myself writhing around in bed and I'm making indistinguishable noises then shouting or yelling out.  I'm on my back and my body is flat but moving around like it's trying to get away.  I have no memory in my mind.  I wake up and wonder what that was all about.  The only thing I can figure out is that I'm reliving the time my dad beat me with a belt while on he and my mom's bed and I was trying to get out of the way of his strikes.

I'm not certain about that but I think they are flashbacks and God is sparing the image of what happened.  I think this because I've had similar behaviors early on in my recovery, when I was first remembering what happened.

I've told God several times that I don't need to see what happened to me.  In fact, I prefer not to.  I don't need anymore proof that it was real and I didn't imagine it.  I believe it, my therapists believe it and my Mom believes it.

When the memories shout out, I remind myself that writing my story or putting it together is going to stir up old memories or possibly activate new ones.  That's okay with me because I know this calling is from God and He's going to help me through it.

Does it still scare me?  Not as much as it used to.
Do I get paralyzed when it happens?  No, not anymore.
Do I feel peace while it happens?  No, it's still disruptive.

I've trained myself to wake up during a dream and yell, "Stop!"
I've learned these memories may never go away.
I've accepted that this is a thorn in my flesh.
I lean on God very heavily when this happens.

My friends are limited in what they can do.  Their prayer is best because I know I'm not alone.  In fact, praying is our best weapon against the evil one.  This battle is tied into recovery and spiritual warfare.  That's why I have a therapist (although it's been over a month since I've been able to see her) and I receive prayer at church and through email.

I don't feel sorry for myself.  If anything, I get pissed off and fight for my God given right to get well and be well.

My mother said, "Amy, I admire you because no matter what happens to you, you always forge forward."  Yes and I always shall!!

For my God understands and receives my shouts and is Holy.

DARLENE ZSCHECH AND MICHAEL.W. SMITH

Shout to the Lord and Angus Dei 

Abuse memories have a way of disrupting our lives.  What we do when they happen will determine our ability to work through them and find peace on the other side.

Sticking With God In The Hard Times

The migraines started on February 3rd and since then have continued every day so my countenece has been low.  Coupled with a cold and a virus I began feeling the loneliness of chronic pain and illness.  No one can really understand what it feels like, the pain and fatigue, unless you've been there.  In my life, I have been there too often.  But then there was yesterday and the day before.

I'm very fortunate to have family and friends who are compassionate, thoughtful, funny, loving and everything in between.  God flooded my parched soul with these friends through phone conversations, text messages,emails, flowers, chili (with a lime), lunch and pictures of nature at it's finest.  God knows how discouraged I've become and how utterly worthless I've been feeling.

However, I remain hopeful.  Like Job (Jobe) in the Old Testament, even though there is calamity in me and around me, my faith does not waiver.  I may ask God, "Why?" but I really don't mean it.  I've been walking with Him long enough to know that whatever passes through His hands causes me to dig in my heels and depend on His comfort, provision and strength.  I know this because I've felt this way many times before.

Perhaps I have a simple faith.  Perhaps my faith is blinded by all the ugliness that is going on in me and around me.  Perhaps my faith is one that is too trusting, too fairytale-ish, too fool hardy.

I don't believe any of those statements.  I've had to work through a broken heart more times than I can document.  I've had to trust in God when I could not trust myself or anyone else.  I face the ugliness of my past, my current sin and my weaknesses on a daily basis and that takes courage and determination, knowing God's mercy covers me like a blanket.  I am not a fool who placed her entire being into someone she cannot see.  I am a tree in the mud that still stands strong even though strife and hurt surround me.  I am not easily shaken.  In fact, I'm a bulldozer when it comes to recovery.

Having chronic pain does mean I live a chronic pain life.  Having abuse in my history does not mean I live in the abuse.  Having alcoholism and overeating as unhealthy coping methods does not mean I am hopeless.  And having mental illness does not mean I am crazy.

All of these things remind me that with every passing day, Jesus is one day closer to coming down from Heaven to take me home.  On some days do I wish it was sooner rather than later?  You bet.  There are days when I want to take my own life because the physical or emotional pain I'm feeling is so intense.  That happened just a couple days ago.

But I choose to stay on this earth.  Yes, I choose to stay.  God never promised an easy life but He promised to always be with me.  I can rest in that truth because He reminds me quite often that it's not time for me to come home yet.  My life is not my own.  It is His.  I'm here to manage it.

Besides, He reminds me that there's still work for me to do for Him. Out of obedience to the One who loves me and to the One I love, I stay.  No matter what, I stay

Jesus Culture - Rooftops