How Are You Doing?

You know what question I hate being asked?

How are you doing?

Grrrr.  How am I doing?  Let's see:

• Did I get enough sleep?
• Did I take my meds?
• Are my meds working?
• When do I see my psychiatrist?
• Have I eaten?
• Did I overeat?
• Am I feeling depressed?
• Anxious?
• Traumatized?
• Have I had any weird dreams?
• Have I left my house?
• Am I spending too much time alone?
• Maybe I should not spend so much time with others?
• Have I gone to church?
• Do I remember the sermon?
• Am I reading my Bible?
• What am I doing for pain?
• Am I self-injuring?
• Do I want to drink?
• Am I hiding from people?
• Am I watching too much tv?
• Have I been paying my bills?
• Am I trying to keep something a secret?
• Am I wearing the same clothes every day?
• Am I showering regularly?
• Do I have clean clothes?
• Are the cat boxes clean? 
• Is my house organized?
• Is my house clean?
• Am I keeping up with the lawn?
• Am I shoveling the snow or freezing rain?
• Do I have enough things to keep me busy?
• What was the question?

I'm fine.

Those are most of the questions that scan through my brain in a matter of 10 seconds.  I hate that question.  You know why?  Because it's not specific.  It's like asking is the ocean blue.  Yes, in some spots, but it still depends on your definition of blue.  Light blue, dark blue, blue green, green blue.  All answer the same question.  Here's what I want to know:  What do you want to know?

Be specific.  Unless you give a rat's butt, don't bother asking the question because I could say something like,"Oh, I'm okay, if you think recovering from life is a joyous place to be in for 44 years."  Or, "I'm fine.  It's just my face that's having feelings."  Or how about, "I dunno.  Look at me and tell me what YOU think."  

How am I.

I can tell you how I'm NOT:

I'm not satisfied in this life.

I don't like pain.

I put up with recovery otherwise....

I write and type with a sore hand because talking isn't my preference.

I'm not feeling much and if I do, I get rid of it.

Today I'm not happy or cheerful or giggly or smiling.

Those are what I'm not.

But these things, this whole page, isn't me, either.

It can't be.

Otherwise I would be only what I experience and I know more than that.

I know God gave me a purpose to fulfill.

Maybe you should ask Him how I am doing.

My 247-lb Life

I'm starting this writing with a song by Casting Crowns - Who Am I

This morning I was watching "My 600-lb Life," when I met Melissa.  As is true with this show, yes it's reality and YES it's reality.  As I watched her struggle with her weight, it wasn't new to see.  I've watched a few of these stories and they're pretty much the same:

• Fat person can't get out of bed for months or years
• Fat person needs help from family to bathe and it's embarrassing
• Fat person keeps eating poorly but can't seem to stop
• Fat person reaches a breaking point:  Death or Change
• Fat person goes on a 50lb/month weight loss plan under doctor's care
• Doctor performs surgery as different weight loss goals are met
• Skinnier person appears
• Skinnier person is motivated to keep weight off
• Skinnier person's life is restored

So what was different about this morning's story?  It hit me square in my emotional food tank.

I've heard many excuses and many stories.  I've told myself many excuses and many stories.  But here's what made the difference:  Melissa called sexual abuse "incest" and "molestation."  She called it what it was, how she was in junior high when some of the molestation took place and her weight began packing on.  I couldn't  have heard my story more clearly than if it was God talking directly to me Himself.

Sexual abuse, for me, is a nice way of putting it.  It's nicely packaged, nicely wrapped, nicely explainable and nicely received.  But adding words like incest and molestation can tear that pretty wrapping into shreds and expose it for what it truly is.  Sin.  Not just any sin but sin that damages a little girl's hopes and dreams so much so that she hides in the fat of food.  Lusting after food to kill the feelings of ugliness.  Lusting after food to quiet the screams of loneliness.  Lusting after food to keep away anyone who might want to care and love her.

The Bible says that God created us in His image but what it doesn't say is that the image we can proclaim as ours will be damaged by sin and quite possibly shattered into a thousand pieces.  He never promised we'd have a trouble free life.  In fact, Jesus promised our lives would be filled with trouble if we were to follow Him.  Sometimes I think I picked up His cross by accident, not knowing all the trouble had already come my way and then there would be more.  I think the reason I picked up His cross is because I knew we'd be carrying it together.

Going back to the story, Melissa knew she had a lot of emotional work to do in order to succeed in her weight loss plans.  So do I.  The last time I remember talking about those emotions is about 7-8 years ago with my therapist, Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC.  She stayed in the wrestling match with me and boy, was it hard.  Now I have to get down to the next level of emotions so that I'm fighting, not only for my life, but for what I know God has asked me to achieve.  I'm sure there are others I haven't figured out yet but when I do, I'm sure I'll write about them.

Melissa has lost over 200-lbs!

I've lost 17-lbs.

For now, I try to reduce my food intake, a struggle I've had since junior high and I'm no spring chicken.  I'm confident I can do it - I'm not confident I can survive the emotions of doing it.

That will be my greatest test with the help of my current therapist, Faith Gallup, LCSW.

Worship Music

I've never considered myself a person of worship where singing is required.  It's not my way to connect with God, it does not draw me closer to Him.  There's nothing wrong with me.  It's just how I'm wired.

I've tried to be one of those people who get filled up singing praises to God but I don't get filled up.  But here's what I do:  I watch and read the lyrics on the screen, I take in the words and I listen to the drums.  That's how I worship.

I have a collection of Christian music from back in the day when I first became a Christian.  Some of it precedes that because my Mom would play her Christian music freely in our home.  I liked the people and groups she chose.  I liked the message even more.

Messages like:

• There is freedom in Christ
• Our God reigns
• Praise Him
• Ever Devoted
• Unto the King Eternal
• Many hymns taken from the scriptures and put to music.

Our worship leader at The Chapel in Lake Zurich, IL engaged us in the below songs.  I watched the lyrics, listened to the drums (I'm a bit of a drummer) and sang when I felt lead.  Not because I had to, not because those around me would notice I'm not singing but because for a few stanzas, I wanted to sing.

Here are those songs: