One Day At A Time

When I was first in recovery at the young age of fourteen, one of the first slogans I learned was "One day at a time."  I didn't understand how to live my life one day at a time even though I understood what the words meant.

That's because my days were packed way beyond one day.  They carried with them the previous days and weeks and years which blended into the future days and weeks and years.  The present day was seldom accounted for.  I was lost in so much of what I could not control that living one day at a time seemed like a cruel joke meant to be unattainable or just out of reach.

My Alateen sponsors were committed to teaching us what one day at a time looked like.  Then they broadened it to show us how to live one hour at a time, one minute at a time and sometimes, one decision at a time.  Before I knew it, I was slowing down my anxious reactive thoughts and applying what they were teaching.  I was becoming someone who was better able to calm down and not have such a negative outlook.

I wonder where she went?  I was in my teen years, graduated from High School before I graduated to Al-Anon.  Then three years later I found myself in my home church making a decision to give my heart and my life to Jesus.  Things should have gotten easier, right?  Ha!  Not exactly.

The first Bible I bought was The Living Bible because it was the same as my Mom's.  One day when I was reading in Matthew, I found this verse:

Matt 6:34 “So don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time.

When I saw, "Live one day at a time," I knew God was the author of recovery groups.  I knew I was going to be okay no matter what memories I had from my childhood, no matter how hard my recovery was going to be and no matter what others thought about me.  

I knew if I was really going to heal I'd have to let those very painful memories surface.  I knew if they surfaced I'd be hospitalized.  I knew if I didn't let them out, I'd commit suicide.

The phrase one day at a time saved my life.  

It continues to save my life.

I know if I hang onto the truths God has given me in His Word, through the Holy Spirit's guidance and through His people I'll be okay.

I just have to hold on one minute at a time, then one hour at a time, then one day at a time.

And everything will be alright.

Why Do I Tweet?

I love Twitter.  I follow over one hundred Christian people or groups.  Why so many?  I find they each have different ways of talking about God.  Just like the 66 books of the Bible.

Most of them post several times a day or several times in a row.  Those I tend to skip because I have a limited mind that can't absorb that much of the same information at once.  So I hold the down arrow and skim through the pictures of the ministries until I find one I want to read.

Sometimes it's a verse.  Sometimes it's a thought.  Sometimes it's a funny story or a retweet from another twitter person.  Sometimes it's a picture with an encouraging saying or verse.

But the ones I like the most are the introvert messages.

The quiet ones, like Ann Vosskamp, that slip in almost unnoticed that carry a bucket full of emotion.  Those are the little treasures in twitter.

Or Beth Moore who tells on herself or her grandbabies or her husband or her LPM group.  She's a hoot with some of her stories.  Hers, too, are little treasures because you can hear her twang on twitter.

Kay Arthur, perhaps one of the first and greatest of all women teachers who paved the way for our ladies of today speaks deeply about our relationship with God and Jesus Christ.  Her treasure isn't buried - it's out for all to see.

Christian radio, athletes, authors, speakers, normal folk like me - all of us exercising our right to use social media as a podium to proclaim the good news of Jesus dying on the cross for our sin then being resurrected to give us eternal life in Heaven.

We can't be silent about that message.

We mustn't be silent.

That's why I follow so many.  Because in Twitter, when you follow many, some of their followers will follow you.  I don't know these people personally but more often than not, when I check their page, they do not proclaim to be believers.

I tweet because I love to write and share encouragement or challenges.
I tweet because I love to read and hear what others are doing to stay faithful.
I tweet to learn more scripture, to hide it in my heart.
I tweet to be a witness and draw unbelievers closer to God.

Do you tweet?  Why?

Reunited Friends

Have you ever had one of those moments when someone you "friend" from grade school invites you to get together?

In that moment you might hesitate because your movie mind rewinds back 40 years to around the time you first met them then fast forwards to today.  You briefly relive the ups and downs, struggles and successes you've had in life and then ask yourself this question:

If she's good enough to connect to on Facebook, isn't she good enough to reconnect with in person?

The answer is a solid YES.

Even though I had to wait about six weeks for the medication to stabilize my symptoms, I kept my word because it's one of my highest values.  I started praying a few days ago that I wouldn't have an anxiety attack.  I dressed very comfortably and I arrived early so I could get used to the environment.

If this sounds a little strange it's because I have some forms of mental illness that can send me into a freak out mode and I wanted to avoid those at all costs.

Before I went into the coffee shop, I asked God to help me be a good listener and to respond when there was silence.

If I had any doubts about how my friends felt about me, those quickly dissipated.  Saundra barely set her purse down and grabbed me for a long hug!  It was warm and welcoming.  A few minutes later when we were seated, Jennifer walked in and basically did the same thing.

Our conversation had a healthy rhythm where it ebbed and flowed from family to school days to stories to kids in our lives to friends.  It was as if time had not passed between us.  I felt completely at ease.

Saundra has a tradition of taking pictures when she is with friends - I think it's a story thing.  I, of course, like to make silly pictures.  Jennifer was laughing at our goofiness so the pictures came out great.

When we said our good-byes, hugged some more, yelled our "I love you"'s and went on our way, I sat in my car and thanked God for the time we spent together - for the sacrifice they made taking time away from their families.

I've always loved these two ladies.  They have always held a special place in my heart.  I was honored to be with them.  They filled my heart with joy!!! <3

Oh - and we'll be getting together again!  That much I can promise.

Who Can I Trust?

In a recent Facebook post, a dear friend responded to a well known preacher's post about his opinion on what God said we should do in order to get a something.  His opinion was not based on scripture.  I've been taught by my pastor(s), always seek what the bible says - true or false?

So I looked it up.  The preacher's perspective was contrary to what Prov 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."  

To me, this verse says to trust God with every portion of my heart.
To trust God's wisdom, not my own.
To seek his will all the time, not my own.
When I do this, he will show me the path he wants me to follow which may not be the path I want to follow.

It's complete submission to what He wants for me - not what I want for me.

God cannot be manipulated by anything I do or say.  Unlike human beings, God's character remains the same and does not waiver under any circumstance.  He cannot be bribed and he cannot be tricked.

When I am living in His trust, his understanding, his will and on his path, I can be certain it's all him and only him.  I'm better able to discern the steps he wants me to take because I am IN him and he is IN me.  

I am in a constant state of change and growth because of my relationship with Jesus in whose image I am being transformed into (Paraphrase of 2 Cor 3:18 NIV).  Simply put - I am God's daughter and in his presence I can rest.  I can put my hand in his hand and let him guide me to those places I need to grow and change.

I'll never be alone again.  Even when I feel alone in the isolating world of mental illness there will be moments of peace.  And in those moments of peace there will be moments of reminders that God my Father, Jesus Christ my Savior and the Holy Spirit my Counselor will be with me.

The three of them, also known as the Trinity, will always have my back.

Dreaming About Someone From Your Past

PatC, BonnieB, SueE, CarolD-S 

The depression was an eight on a scale of one to ten - ten being the worst.  The hardest part wasn't staying inside and watching TV.  The hardest part was the migraines.  I know those contribute to the depression and in some cases, cause the depression.

I was missing Carol, missing my bumming around buddy, dreaming a lot about past friendships and feeling grief/sadness about my lack of self-esteem.  I pray for God to help me grow in confidence about myself, especially as I write my story, so I can see many good qualities I have anchored in His love.

I had a nasty migraine during the night.  I had a dream about someone I used to serve alongside at church.  We grew closer together when her dad was diagnosed with cancer.  She let me minister to she and her dad during that sad time.  I was surprised because I didn't know she trusted me like that.

At her dad's wake, when she saw me walk in, she walked right at me and surprised me with a huge hug.  The friend who drove us there commented she didn't know this person knew me so well.  I don't remember answering her.  I just remember his daughter looking at me from time to time with a smile.

I never asked anything of her.  I always asked God what to do for her.  She had a very visible staff position and the last thing I wanted to do was be someone she had to "manage."  I sent encouraging notes, scripture verses, even a cassette tape with a song I thought would comfort her.   

When I returned from a trip to Japan, we sat and she asked me to recount the entire thing.  When I got to the part about the climb up Mt. Fuji, we were both in tears at how God's spirit moved in those moments of the sunrise.  She was someone who's heart was tender and appreciated the encouragement I sent her way with no strings attached.

Then one day, it stopped.

Did I do something wrong?  No.

Was I out of God's will?  No.

Sometimes, relationships stop and we don't know why.

All of our lives continue to go on even when who is in our life changes.

The only constant relationship we are guaranteed is our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.  When you have Him, you have everything!

Solitude Walk With Jesus

There's a forest preserve near my house that has captured my soul.  It's right on the Fox River.  One of my closest friends grew up on it.  It has good memories, lots of peace and quiet and familiar smells.

The gravel path is just over a mile long.  Since I've been at one with the couch I decided to shorten the walking distance to my spot.  My spot is a little sliver of earth that extends into the marina.  It has a picnic table, some small trees, boulders along the water front and a little bit of wildlife.

I'm attracted to the tall grasses, jumping fish, little turtles and boats that cruise by.  This was my first day this year to the spot.  I was deep in thought - a little too deep if you ask me.  I needed to lighten up.

I started by reminding myself that Jesus is already here with me.  I don't need to invite Him in.  He's always with me everywhere I go.  Inviting Him in is like telling my heart to start beating.  It's already doing what it's created to do.  Accepting Jesus into my life means He's with me everywhere I go.

I started to declutter my mind.  I felt it was clogged with too many thoughts, all trying to race out at the same time.  It's like they needed to pull a number from that number machine at the deli and wait their turn.

As I was walking, I was looking down at the dirt, mud and grass.  I saw some things that reminded me I was outside.  Then I looked up and saw the buds on the trees.  That reminded me I'll be needing my allergy medicine pretty soon.

When I walked toward the little pond, I felt a little song welling up inside.  It was starting to take shape the longer I spent thinking about it.  It went something like this:

Jesus be my guide,
Hold me closer to your side,
Remove my selfish pride,
Jesus by my guide.

Solitude with God sometimes scares me.  I'm not afraid of Him.  I'm afraid of how vulnerable I feel when I'm with Him.  Even now I shed tears because of how much I want to go home, to Heaven.

I'm not suicidal, so don't even go there.
I just miss my Daddy, my Abba, my Father.
I don't want to be in this cold harsh world anymore.