You are the Light of the World

No self-injury for four days.  I hope to make today number five.  I haven't cut since August 2015 but I bite down on the inside of my cheeks and my tongue.  No blood but biting down hard.  I don't know what causes me to do it.  Stress?  Feeling nothing?  Overwhelmed?  It's a mystery.

I have two close friends grieving their mothers death.  One from three years ago; the other two months ago.  My grief from the loss of a friend who helped me through a lot of my issues died eight years ago tomorrow.  How long someone is gone, what they meant to us, our beliefs and understanding of where they are now - all of them are different.  But each of us hurts.

In small group we've been doing a study about "Discerning the Voice of God."  The study talked about strongholds - those areas in our lives that keep us from giving to God what is His to handle - not ours.  My strongholds are eating, self-injury and isolating.  No surprise to me except that God wants to replace those strongholds with His benefits.

Since I haven't self-injured, I received a vision at church and floated it's validity with trusting and discerning friends.  All confirmed that it was of God and it's time for me to start writing.  So I did.  Yesterday.  The first sentence, "You are the light of the world."

Think about that for a moment.  I consider myself broken and in need of His constant healing.  Throughout my life darkness meant danger.  In my recovery darkness meant healing.  And now, darkness is simply the setting of the sun so I turn on my lights.

"You are the light of the world."  Jesus is talking to me, to His followers.  Jesus said to pick up his cross and follow him.  God created light out of the darkness when He was creating the world and all that is in it, He created me in my mother's womb.  He sheltered me from the light for nine months then brought me out of the dark warmth into the lit cold.  He did all of it and yet He said:

Matthew 5:14

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden."

Everyone who has accepted Jesus' gift of eternal life in exchange for payment of their sins are now torches of light.  I trudge up mountains at night, I camp at night, I travel roads at night, I navigate unfamiliar places at night.  I sit outside at night.  I sleep at night, my cells regenerate at night and I am usually at peace at night.  Jesus makes all of it possible for He is the eternal flame of our light.

He calmed a storm at night, he retreated to the mountainside at night, he hung from the cross while a violent storm caused the earth to shake and darkness covered the earth for three days and he even met with a leader at night.  He is the light before and after the darkness.

John 8:12 [Full Chapter]

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

Light.

Life.

All of it because of His existence.

Genesis 1New International Version (NIV)

The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God calledthe light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

And when we feel the darkness creeping into our lives, whether it be grief or depression or bipolar or panic or anxiety or any other description we want to give it, remember that Jesus is with us in the darkness.  All of darkness is not bad or weak or somehow our fault.  Darkness happens.  It's knowing when we need help that we reach out and ask for it.  There are times I need to sit in the darkness in order to see God's healing light.  The light makes itself known.

Darkness has a purpose and it's not all bad.

If we seek God and patiently wait for Him to reveal the light,

The light will shine.

In the meantime, be at peace.

"Godspell" - Original Cast, "Light of the World."

Wait Upon the Lord

Was awakened early, then a headache, now another migraine.  I think the migraine is rebounding which means it's stuck in a cycle of repetition.  The prescription drug I took for it last night worked but evidently did not prevent a recurrence.  I have a busy day ahead of me so trusting in the Lord is going to be where I gather the strength I'll need.

The dreams were very active.  A repeat of a dream I've had before with some added scenes.  Some if it was disturbing but for the most part, it was okay.

Working on my Bible study last night was filling to my soul.  I learned more about the Holy Spirit, God and myself.  My takeaways are below and the study is "Discerning the Voice of God, " by Priscilla Shirer.

*  The voice of the Holy Spirit is persistent.
*  I've loved the story of Samuel since I can remember (below).
*  Job 33:15-32 gives ways that God speaks to us.  
*  I need to trust Him more and prayed, "God, in the book You are writing, remove my fear to give you complete control.
*  The Holy Spirit's job is to instruct me in the way I should go and give me specific details concerning the issues in my life.
*  I want to trust God.  "God, I give you my fear:  Failure, Eating, Anger and Regression."
*  I desire to be a James 3:17 friend:  "The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure.  It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.  It is full of mercy and good deeds.  It shows no partiality and is always sincere."
*  "Lord, where I am a stumbling block to others, let me be transformed into a stepping stone."

1 Samuel 3:1-10New International Version (NIV)

The Lord Calls Samuel

3 The boy Samuel ministered before the Lord under Eli. In those days the word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions.

2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see,was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the Lord, where the ark of God was.4 Then the Lord called Samuel.

Samuel answered, “Here I am.” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”

But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.

6 Again the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”

“My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.”

7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.

8 A third time the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”

Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

10 The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”

Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

Migraines, Dreams and Visions, Oh My!

I've had chronic migraines since my teenage years.  I guess that they are the result of physical abuse to my head.  But sometimes it's stress, what I eat, the weather or simply undefined.  For the past five days, four of them have been visited by Migraine.  Today it's almost continuous.

This day started early.  Migraine arrived full throttle in the darkness of the early morning.  I walked down the hallway to the kitchen to swallow over the counter pills.  I reached into the freezer to grab something cold to put on my head.  I fell back to sleep.

I awoke in a dream.  I was in the bedroom of a house.  It was all white but not stark white, maybe a drop of pink.  I wasn't sure where I was but I felt safe.  After a few moments I heard a familiar voice.  It was the voice of a woman who talks and prays over me at church.

I have tears running down my cheeks. I was thinking about how God provided a safe place during the pain for my spirit to rest.  That's how I understand it.  It's about trusting Him in the midst of pain, when pain hurts the worst.

I woke up again, for real this time.  I was getting ready for church and then this song played on Pandora:

During worship at church, I don't know if I was prompted or just tired from the migraines but I stayed seated instead of standing.  I interlocked my fingers, lowered my head and listened.  I don't know which song it was but a vision came into my head.  I wish I had a snapshot of it.

There's light shining down.  It's a light yellow hue.  I see my hands holding an open book with blank pages.  There's a loose red circle around the whole of what I could see.  I lift the book up to God as an offering.  Then a bright light illuminates the blank pages.  Rolling from the top of the left page down, like the unrolling of a scroll, words appear.  I remember the first sentence starting with, "You are the..."  Tears.  Lots of them.

Here I was, my head hurting and my spirit feeling safe and God reaches down to touch me - again.  He keeps touching me.  It's like He's trying to tell me that His touch is safe.  Through His church, He is able to touch me.  No pain, no bruises, no intimidation and no yelling.

Just touch.

He is safe.

And so are they...

So am I.