Helium & Huffing

I was catching up on some Facebook posts when I read about a late night talk show host who brought two helium filled balloons for he and a guest.  The guest is a very well known actor and hearing the two of them with helium induced voices was probably hilarious.  I did not listen to it for one simple reason:  It reminded me of my nephew, Aaron.

Four and a half years ago, Aaron (age 18), died from inhaling fumes.  This is also called huffing. Kids are dying from inhaling all sorts of gases and fumes.  Helium, propane, cans of air and other propellants just to name a few.  They are trying to achieve the ultimate high and instead end up with lethal levels of toxins in their body and they cause permanent damage or die because of it.  Most of the time their death is accidental.

That's what happened to Aaron.  He was inhaling propane in the back of a friend's car while on the way to a recovery meeting.  Aaron started having a seizure.  His friends called 911, stopped the car, pulled Aaron out onto the shoulder and gave him CPR until the ambulance arrived.  The paramedics were able to restart his heart but Aaron's brain went without oxygen for ten minutes.  They rushed him to the emergency room where for five days he was in the critical intensive care unit on a breathing machine - brain dead, blind, deaf, paralyzed and everything else you can imagine.

The Aaron that we knew was no longer with us. The body in the hospital, the body hooked up to that machine was not the Aaron we'd spent Easter with two weeks prior. My nephew was gone - this was the shell of someone I loved deeply - someone I was going to miss even more.

On that fifth day when the decision was made to turn off the machines, it was hard to let him go.  I sat with his family as his heartbeat slowed down.  Then there was that noise.  That steady sound that lets you know his heart has stopped, he's no longer here and the grieving will now begin.

So when I read or hear about people having fun inhaling helium the hair goes up on the back of my neck.  I want to warn them and say, "Wait!  Don't do it!  It's not funny when it kills you!"

I pray parents warn their children about the dangers of inhaling fumes and gases.

I pray teenagers admit they are not invincible to these dangers.

I pray adults step up and stop this behavior if they see it happening.

I pray everyone gets educated and knows where to go for help.

If our family had known Aaron was huffing, we would have done something.  Unfortunately, none of his friends told us until after he died.  Don't keep it a secret.  Tell someone - tell their parents even if the person will get mad at you.

It just might save their life.

Click here to read - "Inhalant Abuse: Is Your Child At Risk?"
Would you know if your teen were huffing? Consider the telltale signs of inhalant abuse — and what you can do to prevent it.

Memory Dreams

It's another early morning.  I'm not sleeping through the night. I'm having dreams about a childhood neighbor and her baby.  It feels like there's a message in the dream because it repeats itself. Not the situation but the people.

I grew up in a small village of 200 people.  There were lots of kids my age. Our neighbors across from us moved in when I was about 10-11 years old.  They were a young couple and very nice people.

Their names were Bill and Dawn.  I don't remember what Bill did for a living but I remember Dawn worked at a dentist's office.  One day, they brought home a black lab puppy and named her Pepper.  Bill was training her to stay in the yard.  Unfortunately, kids in the neighborhood kept calling Pepper out of her yard.  I might have been one of them.

Bill and Dawn had a baby.  His name was Curtis.  I don't remember much about him.  I do remember them having to move because of my sisters friends who drove around in a loud van late at night and would wake up the baby.  After several pleas to my sisters, they ended up moving.

I've always felt bad about that situation even though it had nothing to do with me.

Dawn and Curtis are the ones I keep dreaming about.  One time I was in their living room and Curtis was crawling around.  It seemed like I was in an Alateen meeting, playing with him and having fun.  I can see the room in my memory.  It was a happy dream.

Last night's dream was different.  Bill, Dawn and Curtis (still a baby) were in their garage.  It was very clean and the cars were not in it.  I was the age I am now, dressed up very well, black on white, when I handed Dawn an envelope.  It was a check from my friend Kim to help them along.  Dawn specifically asked me not to raise money for them.  She took the envelope and said, "Well, this isn't directly from you so I guess it's okay."  I played with three month old Curtis and gave him some lovin' then went home.  Soon after, I woke up.

Dreams can be interpreted in so many ways.  My dreams are always in color and have a specific story.   Sometimes I dream about fire or tornadoes or other people.  Sometimes I am protecting myself, someone else or animals.  Then there are times I'm interacting with people from my past - setting boundaries, being loved or standing up for myself.

I think the dream about Dawn and Curtis speaks into a mother/child relationship.  I think it spoke into my mom and I.  I had to ask for some financial help from my sister and my mom.  It was hard to do but I knew they'd want me to ask.  They each gave me $30.  In the dream, the check for Dawn was $30.  Not a coincidence.

I'll always have good memories of our neighbors.  They moved into that home when our house was crazy.  I had the opportunity several years ago to talk to Dawn.  She was in my line at a grocery store I was working for.  When she saw me, she smiled and asked how I was.  After chit-chatting, I told her my sisters were now in AA and living clean sober lives.  She was very glad to hear it.

I wish I could go back to that time they were living across from us and have a do over.  I'm not sure what I would have done differently.  I think I would have taken stronger steps to prevent their move.  I was about 18-19 then and at that age, I was pretty limited in adult decisions.

God had a plan for them just like he had a plan for our family.  I thank God for Bill and Dawn's influence which was a positive one and ask God to make himself known to them so that they can have an eternal relationship with him.

One is never to young to say that prayer.

Play-Doh Therapy

Another day in the cave and it's beautiful outside to boot.  I'm not sleeping well so getting started in the morning is taking more energy.  I decided to watch a movie then do some writing in front of the fan.

No air conditioning makes my home a quieter place.  I use two window units to keep my house cool.  It's amazing how much cool air those little buggers can pump out.  Of course I'm very chilled by evening so I turn them off for the night to conserve energy.

Aside from the usual musings floating around my head, I was struck by something that happened during my therapy session yesterday.  My mood was very quiet, very introverted.  It didn't cross my mind to cancel the appointment so when I got there I was feeling pretty calm.

Once I was in Faith's office, however, I became anxious to the point of crossing my leg and bouncing my foot.  It felt as if my foot was going to fly off at any moment.  I didn't bring any of my coping tools to help me settle down.  It was odd to be feeling that way.

Luckily, Faith had some play-doh in her desk.  That's one of my best tools for centering my mind and reducing the anxiety.  She gave me a container and I talked about when I was hospitalized.  I was given play-doh as were other self-injury patients.  The psychologist, Dr. Erin Terada, used it as a coping tool so that we could channel our negative energy into something creative and positive.

I told Faith I'd made a camping site at the hospital. The play-doh color was orange - like a campfire.  I made the fire, extra logs, sitting areas around the fire, a trash can and a bucket of water.  It looked really cool.  The other girls liked it a lot.  I asked one of them to make a raccoon that was climbing into the pretend garbage can.  I remember feeling tender - I'd brought my mind into a safe place.  Even though my current residence was in lock down my spirit felt free!

What I wasn't prepared for was for Faith to move from her desk chair to a chair on the other side of a small table where I was sitting.  Carol used to do something similar.  She'd zoom across the floor to get something then scoot herself close to me or she would sit with me on the couch.  I felt very safe.

Faith has never changed where she sits so this was new.  I didn't feel alarmed.  I didn't jump up or jump back.  There was no threat for my safety.  I felt tender.

I knew proper boundaries were in place.  I knew she wasn't going to do anything that would trigger something sad.  I didn't feel scared or distracted by her close proximity.  Again, I felt tender.

It was a play-doh session.
It was a creative way for me to talk a little bit.
It was a safe way to calm down.

It gave me inner peace.

A Hike In The Cavern

Tonto Natural Bridge, AZ - I climbed this.

Right now I am in the deep caverns of the cave.  A place of small sounds, pitch darkness and the only recognizable parts of the cave are the feel of its walls - cold stone.  The path to walk on is a little tricky with the boulders but my hiking boots are stabilizing my balance.

I carry a flashlight in my right hand and the chalk in my pocket.  I know the caverns well as I have been in them many times before.  It's time to climb some boulders to get to the other side.  I pocket the flashlight so that my two hands are free to steady myself.

I make it to the other side with no problem.

I can hear water drips from the top of the cavern.  I must be near the waterfall.  There's a rushing sound in the background and the cavern walls are wet to the touch.  I think about how many people called this cave home.  My soul is moved in wonderment.

I find the place I visited the last time I was here.  I look at the ground and I can see the impressions of my hiking boots.  Since this is my cave, I know those can only be mine.  There's a great deal of safety when you have a place away from the world where only you and God know the exact location.

I pull out the chalk from my pocket.  It's still dry.  I shine my flashlight onto the stone walls.  I can read from the stick drawings what I was feeling the last time I was here.  Hopelessness, despair and wanting to die.  But that's not the case this time.

I begin to draw stick figures, pieces of me, scattered about.  There are birds overhead that have swooped down and taken a piece of me.  They are flying away.  They are black crows who were making their calling sound.  Then they found me strewn about.

But that's not the end of the drawing.  I begin to draw another stick figure that is larger than the first one.  It has all of it's limbs attached and it's arms are reaching upward.  Again, the black crows swoop down to break off a limb but they are unsuccessful.  This time, my feet are firmly planted and my arms do not waver in the wind.  My body is strong.

I put the chalk back into my pocket and step back to see what I've drawn.  The flashlight reveals two stories at the same time.  The first one is when I am deep in depression or healing from trauma; the second one is a reminder of who I am in Christ.  

Investing time and resources into the broken one is both wise and responsible.  Remembering my true identity in Christ is both comforting and empowering.

Someday these two personalities will combine as one.  Until then, I keep putting one foot forward at a time.

I trust God, I trust myself and I trust my therapist (Faith Gallup, LCSW).

Migraines

Waking up in the middle of the night with a migraine is not one of my favorite ways to start the day.  I'm used to having migraines because they've been part of my physical challenges for over three decades.  Even so, the pain they cause reminds me that I probably need to change something.

The migraines I have are caused by:

• Nitrates (in ham, bacon, hot dogs, etc.)
• Prolonged sunlight
• Diminished sleep
• Poor stress management
• Hormone changes
• Emotional triggers
• Too much external stimuli
• Strong smells like perfume, diesel fumes and tar fumes
• Change in weather

Looking at this list, I can identify two possible causes:  Diminished sleep and change in weather.

Every migraine can be measured on a scale of 1-10.  One being the lowest pain and ten being the most painful.  Most of the time my migraines are 6-7 on the scale.  Most of the time they will go away on their own.  If they don't I have medications that will dissolve them within 20-30 minutes.

The key is to medicate the migraine as quickly as possible.  By this I mean as soon as it starts.  Since migraine is distinctly different from a common headache, migraine sufferers can prevent the pain from becoming full blown and disabling.  

Learning your body's signals is key to effective migraine management.