Huffing - In Memory of Aaron

This is my nephew Aaron.  Today he would have been 22 years old.  Instead of celebrating a birthday, we are reminded of his tragic death 3 1/2 years ago.  

Aaron had a huffing addiction.  He inhaled propane as a means of getting high.  We did not know about this until he was brought to the emergency room, unconscious.  

He was with some friends on his way to a self help group for teens.  He was in the back seat huffing on propane.  All of a sudden his body started seizing uncontrollably.  The driver called 911, pulled the car off to the shoulder of the road, got Aaron out of the car and performed CPR.  His friend did everything right.

Aaron was without oxygen for 10 minutes.  His heart stopped.  Aaron died.  But wait.  The paramedics restarted his heart and ambulanced him to the hospital.  

When I arrived his whole family was there.  The doctors weren't sure of Aaron's status other than his heart was beating.  There was a lot of hope he was going to be okay.  But that wasn't the case.  When I went into the area, Aaron was lying there.  I have the gift of intercessory prayer.  I put my right hand on the top of his head and my left hand over his heart.  I didn't sense any brain activity.  

During the next 3 days Aaron started deteriorating and all kinds of tests were done.  It was the conclusion of multiple doctors that Aaron's ventilator should be turned off.  Aaron was blind, deaf, severely brain damaged, paralyzed completely and could not breathe without the assistance of a machine.  In other words, Aaron as we'd known him was permanently gone.  

One week earlier we were celebrating Easter.  I shared the hope of Jesus with him as did his Dad, Stepmom, brother and sisters.  You could see the wheels turning in his head.  When we were alone in his hospital room, I felt the leading of the Holy Spirit to ask Aaron if he wanted  Jesus to forgive his sins.  A tear rolled down his right eye.  I baptized him privately because I didn't want it to appear as a show.

Aaron's ventilator was turned off two days later and after 11 hours, Aaron's strong heart stopped beating.  He took his last breath.  There's nothing more sobering than hearing that machine ring out the tone of death.

Aaron died on April 16, 2010.

I cannot say, "Happy Birthday, Aaron!"  

Ever again.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE NEEDS HELP FROM HUFFING, PLEASE CLICK HERE

A Prayer Format & Why Pray?

Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication (A.C.T.S.)

Dear God,

I adore you for the provision of everything I have and everything I need.
I adore you for the sacrifice of your Son, Jesus, as payment for my sin.
I adore you for friends, family, and professionals, all of whom are precious.
I adore you for my kitties, the ones I spoil, because they are surprise gifts.

Father, I confess the procrastination of house cleaning.
Father, I confess the sin of "more" when I have plenty.
Father, I confess the feeling of intense anger toward mean people.
Father, I confess the lack of effort for my health.

Abba, I thank you for do-overs and second chances.
Abba, I thank you for men and women who follow You.
Abba, I thank you for the changing seasons.
Abba, I thank you for singers and worship leaders.

Jesus, I offer up supplication on behalf of Ranne, Marie, all of my family and all of my friends.
Holy Spirit, I offer up supplication in the matter of our book - grant me courage.
Jesus, I offer up supplication for my finances now that my car is paid off.
Holy Spirit, I offer up supplication for my church as we study prayer for the next six weeks.

Lord, as is always my deepest desire, please break me, mold me, use me and fill me into the image of Christ.  Remove the mire that separates me from You.  Build into me strength of character for troubling times.  Lift me up when I have fallen.  And Lord, by all means, do with and through me everything You know that will bring lost and lonely people into a loving relationship with You.

Taking Care of Self When Ill

I'm not feeling inspired today.  I have a migraine/headache that is causing my body to be slow.  This includes my mind.  My eyes want to shut and I just want to sleep for a long time.

Taking care of myself physically, especially when I'm not feeling well, is important.  My self-care includes laying on the couch watching my favorite movies or tv dvd's, staying in my pajamas, making sure it's cool in the house (not too hot or too cold), eating every few hours and drinking lots of water.  Even if I can't feel it I know my body appreciates this level of care.

I get to watch my kitties.  Sometimes they are snuggled up in the basket or in a box.  Sometimes they snuggle up in the sunshine by an open window.  Sometimes they sleep on me or jump up to get some lovin'.

The best decision I made today was to stay home from therapy.  I don't trust myself to be able to drive the half hour it takes to get to and fro.  I also feel like I might have a fever so I don't want to expose my therapist to anything that might be contagious.

I did accomplish some housework and book work.  I gave due dates to different chapters/sections in my book.  So far I plan to have the first draft written by the end of December.

Thank you, God, for being a father I can depend on.

Fatherless with a Dad

My mind is swimming in information.  I started reading John Eldredge's book, "Fathered By God," which I didn't know is a book for men.  I loved the subtitle, "Learning What Your Dad Could Never Teach You."  As I'm reading it, I'm finding it applies to women, too.  Especially ones who grew up with a Dad like mine.

My Dad grew up in a very dysfunctional home.  He was the oldest of three boys.  His Dad was a violent alcoholic.  My Dad physically fought him in order to protect his mom and younger brothers.  I'm sure there's a lot more to that story.  I suspect he was sexually abused from someone outside of his home.

When my Dad started a family, he became the father of three girls.  His oldest (me) was not the girly type.  I was a tomboy.  I was the one my Dad taught how to fix things around the house, mow the lawn, watch him do car repairs and start learning to drive when I was eight.  He taught me how to fish, how to ice fish and how to eat hotdogs on a regular basis.

My Dad emulated his Dad.  The dysfunction, the fighting, the sexual abuse and the yelling.  At one time, when presented with the choice to make changes or lose his family, he chose to lose his family.

John talks about how our dad's are supposed to father us.  We are very much in need - desperate need - of someone to show us the way.  "We aren't meant to figure life out on our own."

I resonate with that last sentence.  As far back as I can remember, I've had to figure life out on my own.  Yes, I've been in 12 step groups for 32 years; yes, I've had many sponsors and known many people; and yes, I did receive counseling for 30 years.  I think you can relate to this when I say, it was always me trying to make the best choices and many times, I failed.  I failed forward.

I've gained boat loads of strength, wisdom and courage.  It's my heart's desire to pass it along to anyone who wants it, needs it and/or is carefully navigating their way down the path God has set before them.

1 Month Self-Injury Free

Wow!  One month without hurting myself by disarming the urges.  This is a huge accomplishment and I'm very proud of myself.

The coping tools I wrote about earlier really work.  I've been intentional about incorporating them into my recovery plan.  I'm feeling better physically which is helping me emotionally.  It's true when they say we cannot separate ourselves from ourselves.

I'm feeling tired.  Lots of activity these past couple of days. Maximizing activities that fill me up need to be put back into place.  As an introvert that means some quiet time, some reading time, maybe some walking time and definitely some resting time.

I am hopeful that I'll be able to handle the stresses of life better and without running to self-injure.  I don't know what my future holds.  I do know I have my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to help guide me into complete restoration.

With Him all things are possible.

Using Affirmation Cards

Yesterday I mentioned one of my distraction tools to not self-injure is reading the affirmation cards I've written.  I learned this from Alexian Brothers SIRS/ED inpatient unit.  They work because they are tailored to what I need to hear - ones I thought of and ones I asked others to write. Here's some of them so you can get an idea of what I'm talking about.

• Logic In My Pocket.  This is an index card that addresses a specific vice and what to do when it happens.  For example, "Self-Injury:  I am responsible for myself.  When a situation occurs and my emotions start to rise, don't shut down.  Validate my emotions.  Don't let my thoughts take over.  You are willing and able to keep yourself safe.  Feelings last for one snap of the fingers.  Change your thoughts - the feelings will pass.  Stay aware of your surroundings.  Snap a rubber band.  Take a cold shower."  I have one for binging, depression, suicidal ideation, comforting and supportive phrases.
• While I was in treatment, some people wrote one for me.  "You are amazing, You have such a positive outlook, You truly believe in yourself, You need to completely eliminate harming yourself as an option, You should let people who care in more, Don't ever get down on yourself, You are a beautiful person, You work so hard towards your goals - just keep putting a hundred and ten percent into it, You're awesome - like a very positive friend, never really negative, What is awesome about Amy?  She is wise, confident, driven, strong and a survivor, YOU GOT THIS!, You have a secure treatment plan, You are motivated, You will beat this, You are insightful, You are a natural student of self and strive for a recovered life...keep up this motivation.  Remember, a ship in harbor is safe, but that is not why ships are built."
• Here are some random ones:  "Keep focused on my own treatment, I'm safe when someone else is angry, Don't base your wellness on how your body is feeling, Be kind and gentle to myself, I am a survivor who experienced ups and downs, Emotionally distance myself from thoughts, I can't control someone's reaction, Trauma related work is very slow, Push through the difficulties, Embrace my intelligence, Time with my family fills me, Food=Fuel, Trust your gut, I'm valuable and worth the investment of time and money in my recovery, Sit in the uncomfortable feelings, These scary emotions are part of the beautiful me, Let go of the critical parent - It's the voice of your dad who hurt you badly, and this one is the one that speaks to me most:  Suicide tells God I don't trust Him.

There you have it!  I encourage you to make a stack for yourself.  They decrease my stress level which also decreases urges, all urges.