Self-Care Daily Assessment

My therapist, Faith Gallup, is big on self-care.  When we started meeting over three years ago, I thought she was a little strange because of her therapy techniques.  Turns out I had to learn a new way to approach healing.

Faith has a lot of tools in her arsenal.  She whips out papers from inside her desk the moment a possible helpful exercise pops into her head.  I've been a grateful recipient of her insight and ability to present stuff I don't want to do.  She speaks softly to my scared inner child and tells me that I don't have to do it if I don't want to.  I usually do it because I know it will be good for me and I know God prompted her.  I'd be lying if I didn't say I've not always done it or done it but not enjoying it.

However, there are occasions when my mood is not sour or pushing back so hard.  Those times make it much easier to learn and apply what she is teaching me.

Self-Care?  Yes, now I get it.  I get it because she points out every time I am using great self-care in whatever is going on in my life.  It could be as simple as taking a shower or as complex as driving to the behavioral hospital and admitting myself.  Most of the time, I don't even know I'm changing from harmful-care to self-care or from others-care to self care.

Because I'm in the beginning stages of what I call "permanent self-care", I created a daily self-care assessment worksheet.  I'm big on charting because I have a tangible way to record my activity (or inactivity).  This has taken about 2 weeks (yes, while I've been sick my brain has still been active) to brainstorm what MY self-care looks like.  Feel free to download and tailor it for your use.  I used Microsoft Office Excel 2016.

Self-Care Daily Assessment Worksheet

You can add categories:

• Feelings I Had Today
• Number of Days Clean and Sober
• Relaxation Activities (Coloring, Play-Dough, etc)
• Anxiety and/or Panic levels
• Did I laugh today?
• What Risk Did I Take?  The Result?
• Did I give or receive my 8 required hugs for the day?

A wide variety of self-care items can be recorded and talked about in your therapy session especially if you have difficulty remembering the previous week like I sometimes do.

That's where I plan to use mine!!

Here's a song that tells us where our real help comes from, who really empowers and bestows wisdom into the ears and minds of our Christian therapists and who we need to allow to help us.  

Above all others....It's Jesus.

Longing to be Loved

For the last few weeks I've been having daily migraines with the exception of four days.  Since last week I've been nursing the cold of all colds.  My body is tired from fighting physical pain and drained from the fever and all other ailments related to a cold.

I've still been saying to God, "Here I am, still ready for Your whisper and still listening for the Holy Spirit to reveal what's next."

The answers I've been seeking led me to a place I did not expect to go.  My emotions, while being sick, have wanted a Mom to take care of me.  To sit with me, to rub my back, to sing to me and to bring me soup.  I have early memories of my mom doing all those things.  I have emotions of feeling loved by her.

As I grew more independent those special moments faded.  As the alcoholism in our home grew more violent, my needs were never more considered.  I wanted to be the child who felt loved and was taken care of properly.  Not abandoned or neglected or abused or abused because I protected my sisters and Mom from him.

No, I wanted what my friends seemed to have.

When I look at how my sisters and my friends take care of their children, I wish with all my heart that I could have had that love, protection and care.  But that wasn't the case.

To be a child who received what she needed means those who were in charge of my well being had to be the adults they should have been.  And in my home, eventually, no such person existed.

I am naturally drawn to women (my close friends) who are great moms.  I admire the way they care for their children, especially when their children are struggling or in denial about the truth.  Some of them have said, "Amy, I wish I would have been your mom."  I feel instantly guilty and embarrassed.  It catches me off guard so I ask, "Why?"

"I would have protected you," is the most common response.  There have been other responses but that's the one that sticks in my head.  They are very sincere and I know it's a tender moment between us.  Tender feelings make me want to runaway.  I'm afraid, at this stage in my life, to have women console my pain.

My mom is still here.  Our relationship has healed a lot.  Since I've been on my own so much, I don't think I can let those words ("I would have protected you") from others, even though I do not doubt their sincerity, enter into my heart.  I love and treasure my Mom.  We've forgiven each other.  We have a beautiful friendship and she's my hero.  It's not perfect but we've come a long way.

Yes, I long to be loved deeply but that kind of love comes from God and I still struggle with receiving His love.

I do not open up past friendships where wounds from others have been closed and remain a scar.

I don't know if it's God's will to heal this hurt on earth and I'm more afraid of making a mistake than I am of hearing Him say, "This friend's for you, too."  I don't know what to do with that because I don't want to make a mistake.

I hold my friendship with my mom and sisters closely.  I ease into new friendships cautiously.  I have two handfuls of friends whom I hold loosely yet trust them explicitly.  I ask questions to those who want to be my friend out of curiosity.  I allow women I feel safe with to touch my face (where my Dad would strike me), to touch my head (where my Dad would shove or slam me), to give me a hug or be near to me (where my Dad would beat me) and to hold my hands and draw me close (where my Dad would stare into my eyes challenging me to fight him).

The longing to be loved will always be a chasm.  I doubt I will fully believe God loves me until Jesus takes me home and God takes my chin, tilts up my head (because I'll be looking down), looks into my eyes and says so.

In the meantime, I be the gentle soul God kept safe inside me.
I talk my walk and share my walk with friends I've grown to love and trust.
Healthy friends and a healthy me who depends on far less than they ever give.

It's really that simple.

Growing up feeling unloved can leave a chasm in your soul.  God is the only one who can fill it completely so in the meantime, breathe in the love your friends give you.  Sometimes, they help you sustain life.