Mindfulness

These last few writings have been sort of down.  There's something wrong with my mind.  Sometimes it feels stopped.  Other times it feels focused.  Then it switches to difficulty reading.  Then I can do some housework.  Jumping all over the place and it's only 3:00.

I'm so tired.  I want to sleep.  I have one outing tonight for my niece's 8th grade graduation dinner.  I'm trying to stay positive though being with my family all at once produces anxiety.  I'm used to it so I'm not too wigged out when it happens.  I have to be mindful of not getting into a scuffle with my brothers-in-law.  Usually if I'm quiet things go better.  See?  Another time when my silence is a good choice.

I keep thinking about the next part in my book.  There's so much packed into three years.  I'm writing one year at a time.  But still - there's a lot to write.  I'm trying to get my head around it, breaking it down.  The topics are emotional.  I'm starting to feel emotion now that I've really down graded the self-injury.  I think I thought about SI once today.  Anyway, I'm following a storyline I wrote years ago.  Most of the details are already on the pages.  

Then I thought about having my friends read what I've written so far.  I think I'm okay with it.  I need to sit with it for another day or so.  They give me such great encouragement.  I know they will understand the sensitivity and treat it gently.  

Gonna try and get some rest now.  I decided to bring my camera so we can give Hope a nice picture.  She's so cute and sweet.  It's her night, her party!  Lord, bless her with great memories and laughter. 

   



 

Borderline Personality Disorder

Not really sure what's going on.  Had therapy session tonight.  Talked about self-injury and not feeling emotions.  I know self-injury replaces emotions so I feel something.  The problem is that I don't feel comforted from self-injury.  So why do it?

I get really frustrated with Borderline Personality Disorder.  It has a list of 10 symptoms, 9 of which I do.  I seem to be getting angrier at things that really shouldn't bother me as much.  It's hard to tell when my anger is justified and appropriate.  I have a lot of fear about expressing it.  Mostly because I'm afraid I'll lose control and hurt someone verbally or physically.  Sometimes I just want to punch the person.  

Anger was the only acceptable emotion when I was growing up.  But I'm not seven or eight years old anymore.  Still, I'm waiting for someone to say something nice then switch to leaving me.  That's happened so many times in significant friendships.  The first one was at age 17.  I was completely shocked and vowed to never trust anyone like that again.  And I didn't until I was 29 years old.  God blessed me with the best friend I'd ever had.  I had to leave that relationship because of my mental illness.  I left her before she left me.  I still miss her.

Now I have four friends who are praying for me as I write my book.  Two friends are from 1991 and 1994.  The most recent friend is from 2009/2010.  My friend I've reconnected with is from grade school.  I'm blessed to have these women, all Christians, in my screwed up life.  That's how it feels most of the time:  screwed up.

This journey I'm on is very difficult.  I know God has called me according to His purpose to write this book.  I know He will give me all I need to accomplish this task.  I pray I don't have a mental or emotional meltdown and end up back in the hospital.  I guess only time will tell.

End
  

Random

Started writing again.  Received a nice email from Dr. Erin.  Self-injury has reduced.  

I wrote about second grade today.  It was hard.  Third grade will be harder.  Sexual abuse, physical abuse, starring matches with my dad's bloodshot eyes, protecting my mom and sisters, my second personality shows up and my dad is teaching me how to drive.  I was eight years old.  I felt much older.

I don't feel anything.  My head says I should be feeling sad, angry, abandoned, etc.  My emotions are turned off.  It's one of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder which I've had for years.

Don't feel like talking.  Writing is talking.

 

Getting Help

I sent an email to Dr. Erin through Psychology Today.  I asked if I'd be able to see her outpatient.  I don't think I can because I saw her inpatient.  We'll see.

I told her about the self-injurous behavior I've been involved in for two months.  I can't identify the source.  Maybe it's the book I'm writing?

Speaking of which, I'm writing about the grade school years.  I'm up to grade two which is when I had a significant loss.  At seven years old I was already becoming closed off.  I know this will be hard to write about.

In third grade I developed a second personality named Erik.  That's when the physical abuse started.  That's when I have concrete memories of sexual abuse.  I started learning how to drive.  I became tough on the inside, hid my emotions, felt lots of anger and fear and kept to myself.  It was during this time I started babysitting my sisters.  No wonder it's going to be hard to write.

No more procrastination.

Amy   

Dr. Erin Terada, PsyD

I met Dr. Erin in the fall of 2012.  I admitted myself into Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in Hoffman Estates, IL for suicidal thoughts and strong urges to self-injure.  I knew this was where I needed to be.  I also knew God was going to provide the right therapists. Because...that's what He does!

Dr. Erin was my therapist.  She had to fight to have me because I was on another unit and had self-injured.  When she came into my room and asked to talk to me, I said, "I'm sorry.  I don't feel like talking right now.  Can you come back later?"  Mind you, I was choked up from crying and had a new injury on my wrist.  To her credit, she didn't leave and did not muscle me to talk.  She asked some questions, had me fill in a questionnaire then said she'd get me moved to her unit.  

She did!  I was not excited to be in lock up.  I had a hard time being with teenagers at first but then I grew to love them.  Dr. Erin checked in to make sure I was doing okay with them.  I appreciated her concern for my wellness.

Dr. Erin is an excellent lecturer and teacher.  She was one of a few therapists that I looked forward to learning from each day.  She has a relaxed and casual walk and comforting voice.  

From Dr. Erin, I learned about boundaries, identifying the benefits and costs of self-injuring, taking risks for new experiences so I don't self-injure but most of all, I learned HOW TO SIT IN THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS.  That was HUGE!

It's no wonder I had a wonderful dream last night.  I think with all the emotional and mental stress I've been feeling, I needed to talk to Dr. Erin.  When I fell asleep, I talked to her.

She was the same as when I was in the hospital.  She had her hair up, was very professional, looked me in the eyes and asked what was going on.  I told her all the thoughts I've been having.  All of them.  We talked about the self-injury. I was embarrassed to admit I was still hurting myself.  Then I woke up.

Her voice, presence and counsel bring peace to my spirit.  I feel like I'm talking to someone who understands.  Someone who counsels people like me for a living.  

I will always be grateful to God for bringing Dr. Erin Terada into my recovery.  I will always be grateful to Dr. Erin Terada for being johnny on the spot with my therapy needs.  

Dr. Erin is no longer at ABBHH.  She is at Linden Oaks Hospital as a Clinical Therapist.  

I Feel Screwed Up

Dear God,

Thank you for the much needed rest.  It's been nice and quiet. I went out for a brief period today and found some good stuff at Goodwill.  Yes, it was on my list.  I didn't have to buy new!

When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed a vehicle pull behind me.  It's the lady in my park who goes to Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-based self help organization.  I love the program.  I told her last year I wasn't going to go back.  

I don't know why she stopped by because I got busy inside my car to avoid her.  I feel like a total loser.  No excuses.  Just didn't want to socialize.  When I get in that kind of mood there's no budging me.  After a few minutes, she drove away.  

I literally felt panic.  I managed it by ignoring one of your children.  I'm sorry about that part.  If it was a divine appointment, I blew it.  If it was a test about where I'm at mentally, I passed.  I guess it depends on how you look at it.

I don't want to write.  I have a homework assignment due to Faith on Thursday.  I don't want to write that one, either.  Maybe if I pretend I don't have to do it (which she always says I don't) I'll find the strength to at least start it.  

For now, I continue to rest.  The bronchitis is still 20% here which makes it still bothersome but livable.  I'll call my doctor tomorrow.

Love your screwed up daughter,
Amy Kathleen