Migraine Headaches

I'm sitting in my living room, sipping a cup of decaf coffee, nursing a migraine. This not uncommon.  I've had migraines as far back as my early teens.  My doctor said to take Tylenol and the pain would go away.  He was right.  That remedy worked until they became too frequent and too painful.

What is a migraine?   Migraine Headache Information

My symptoms are:
*  Depression, food craving, irritability
*  Pin and needle sensations in arm or leg
*  Pain on one side or both sides of the head

*  Pain that has pulsating or throbbing quality

*  Sensitivity to light, sounds and sometimes smells

*  Nausea or vomiting

*  In bed for hours or days due to severity of pain

  

Sometimes, I can't relieve much of the pain.  If I can't get it calmed down with ice or a cool shower in the dark, I'm guaranteed to have nausea or vomit.  Like most people, I avoid the last one at all costs.

My next doctor tried the preventative migraine medications and all kinds of blood thinners.  When those didn't work I tried over the counter medications.  Those would work for the beginning of a migraine but if I couldn't catch it at the onset, it was just a matter of time.  Then I tried banging my head against the shower wall or taking a butter knife handle and bouncing it on the throbbing pain.  When I told my doctor this, she would prescribe a pain medication (Not to worry - I've never been addicted to pain medication and believe me, I've had many opportunities).  The problem is that we'd never know if it would work until I had a migraine.

Consequently, I had frequent visits to the emergency room.  I was given pain medications which took the pain away but I wanted to treat what was causing them.  Was there a trigger?  It wasn't until I was under the care of my current physician that I sought help from a neurologist.  She diagnosed it as chronic migraine headaches.  I followed a regimen - regular monthly visits to make medication changes and/or adjustments, track the migraines (when they would start, hormone related, stress related, etc.) and she gave me the right pain medication that kicked the migraine out in about 5-7 minutes.

She told me to make some changes in my diet, get more sleep, find fun stress relievers, and stop hitting my head against the shower wall.    

What are the migraines like today?
I wish I could say I'm completely free of them.  I'm not.  I have internal issues (like childhood physical abuse, serious car accident, etc.) that caused the vulnerability to my head, neck and spine and there are external factors (like the barometric pressure, bright lights)  I can't predict.  Neither of these did I nor do I have any control over.

What have I learned?
I've learned that even though I have chronic migraines I can use that time to talk to the Lord.  When my head is throbbing and I'm sweating and I can't get comfortable on the bed...when the ice pack is melting and my stomach is nauseous and I want a hammer to deaden the pain, that's when I start singing praise music.

I'm not belting out a chorus - I'm singing softly and slowly.  I picture Jesus. He's walking toward me with His arms stretched out.  I leap into His arms as a little girl.  As He's holding me and rocking me back and forth, He's smiling and calling out my name.  My adult Amy is watching this treasured moment unfold and while her body is trapped in pain, her spirit has been set free.  That's when I start singing....slowly.....softly...to my Savior...who watches over me.

Can People With Mental Illness Have Meaningful Friendships? Part 5 of 5

Yes!!  Here's what I do to have meaningful friendships:

I communicate.  Sometimes I'll send a general update about what's been happening.  Sometimes I'll send a prayer request about a concern.  There are times I send an email to schedule some one on one time.  There are times I send an email and ask how they are doing.  I prefer that one!

I extend and receive grace.  For all the times I know I'm going to have to reschedule, I can certainly be gracious when they have to. It's important to stay flexible and not hold a grudge.

I'm learning to ask for what I need.  It's not easy because like most people, I fear rejection.  Where is that fear of rejection really coming from?  Old memories - not from them.

If I don't feel like I can do a phone call or a get together, I pray about it and take inventory on 'why not?' I ask myself, "Is it because I won't be perfect?" or "Is it because I really can't function?"  (For example:  This writing is taking far too long to write so I know my brain is hindered.)

I try to be as clear as possible when I say something or write something.  Again, not perfect.

I try to be myself, to not hide what's really going on.

I need to take risks and let them in.  I've been plenty scared taking those steps toward Marie and Laurie.  As I've gotten to know them, I can see how God's plan for our paths crossing is meant to be.

Laughter and sharing stories outside the walls of serious are very important.  I am quite the story teller and laughter is one of my best medicines.  It lightens the load.

My biggest fear is fear of abandonment.  I remember a couple of times when I sent Laurie some emails and I didn't hear back from her.  I FREAKED OUT!  Not only did I freak out but I was sad and hurt and angry and I wasn't used to having those feelings with her.  You know what I did?  That's right!  I talked to her about it!!!!  That's what friends do and that's what people who love each other do.  Laurie apologized (which she didn't have to do) but more importantly she and I put a plan together.  Talk about the problem, extend grace and forgiveness then come up with a viable solution.  Works for me.

I'm sure there are many other points I can make but these are my toppers.

It's difficult having mental illness and friendships.  Mostly because friends want to know what changed, how did I become so different overnight, why didn't they see the changes and will I ever get back to the person I used to be?

Truthfully, those are my questions, too.

I would like to tell them I'm learning about all of this while juggling trauma.  The best I can do is direct them toward resources that can shed some light.  I doubt I will be the person I once was; I want to be the person God knew I'd be as I heal through the trauma.

Can People With Mental Illness Have Meaningful Friendships? Part 4 of 5

(Please read  Part 3 of 5 for the beginning of Laurie)

Getting acquainted with Laurie took some time.  I did not jump in feet first, I not did spill my guts about my history the first time we grabbed a cup of coffee and I most certainly did not crowd her or push my way into her life.  What did I do instead?  I took little steps like this one:

I'm not sure if it was at the church picnic or after a church service when I asked Laurie if I could talk to her some time. In that moment, I was very conscious about how I was feeling:  sick to my stomach nervous, scarred, ready for rejection, not worthy of a high caliber friend and so on.

To my shock she said, "Sure.  Can you give me a hint?"
I said something like, "I have something I want to run by you."

And that's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  For the next couple of years or so, I would send Laurie an email asking for a chat time.  She'd email her availability then I'd pick out a convenient phone time.  A few years ago, Laurie and her husband moved to Arkansas.  I wondered if our friendship could endure the move and if not seeing her would be too hard and too sad.  The only way to find out was to keep going.

I had to confront my fears of insecurity and abandonment, tackle them and beat them into the ground.  My dysfunctional talk was sending negative messages from my brain into my heart.  If I didn't admonish those unsubstantiated fears, I would miss out on a friendship I thoroughly enjoyed.

I asked Laurie for her insight into this subject.  Here's what she had to say:

"I imagine it's hard for some with mental illness to maintain quality friendships for a couple of reasons: people are freaked out by what they don't understand and can't fix, so they run away because they feel self-imposed internal pressure to fix the situation, but can't; and there are some struggling with mental illness who inflict pressure on their friends because they just want someone, anyone, to fix what's wrong, and it drives them away. 

I think our friendship continues to "work" because I don't feel any pressure from you to "fix" what's wrong, which is great, because I can't!  I think the physical distance between our homes reinforces that, too, and also helps to keep me from putting that pressure on myself.  So there's freedom to just talk about life as it is, to encourage each other, to pray for each other, to laugh together, cry together, to listen to each other, to share about our families, to speak truth to each other....to just be real. 

Mental illness sometimes re-schedule those conversations, but so does the flu or a nasty case of bronchitis, or just the business of life.  It takes adjustments on the part of both friends to love one another where we're at....but don't all friendships?"

The answer to that question is,  "Yes."  

On the final page for tomorrow, I'm going to try and identify some positive behaviors all of us can put into practice regarding friendships. I, for one, have lost close friends. I didn't know why until I started self-injuring and ended up in behavioral health hospitals.

Can People With Mental Illness Have Meaningful Friendships? Part 3 of 5

Many many years ago, my mom got a phone call.  It was a friend telling her she found a fishing resort for sale in the upper Northwoods, would she like to drive up for a look?  She did. The friend and she talked about the finances, splitting up the responsibilities, etc.. Not long after, my mom moved to the Northwoods of Wisconsin.

It wasn't easy at all to see her go.  She was the hero in my and my sisters lives.  My one sister had already given birth to a grandson.  My sisters and I were now on our own and nothing was holding her back.  She said good-bye to the corporate world.  With tears in our eyes and with tears in hers, she packed up and away she went.

We knew we could go up there anytime.  It was only a six hour drive.  The baby actually loved to travel so I took him with me every time I went up there which was quite often.  She and her friend found the most beautiful place, right on one of the many fishing lakes.

As a Christian, my mom wanted to find a local church.  In her search she found an Evangelical Free church not far from the resort.  The teaching was solid bible based, the people were friendly and inviting, they had groups she could participate in and they even had a library with videos that could be checked out free of charge.

Somewhere along the way, my mom started telling me about Laurie.  Laurie was the head deaconess.  My mom served as a deaconess under Laurie's leadership.  They were in the same serving area.  My mom would tell me about Laurie's kindness and her steadfastness in decision-making.  I got the impression that Laurie was closely connected to God and in her position, did not waiver from Him.

Since my mom held this woman in such high regard I wanted to meet her.  I believe my mom introduced us. If there's one character quality Laurie has it's the ability to talk to someone she doesn't know and put them at ease.   She did that with me.

Not long after that visit, I had a lot of changes.  As an introvert, I pulled myself in and didn't reach out for awhile.  I thought about reaching out to Laurie each time I went up to my mom's but I was too afraid.  If I saw her in church I'd say "hi" but that was all I could muster.  Instead, my mom invited me to join her at their women's retreat.  I asked her if Laurie was going to be there.  She said, "Yes."  I packed up and drove up.

Before Laurie arrived, I asked God if Laurie would prefer a room to herself.  I sensed a "yes."  When Laurie arrived, she looked so tired.  When my mom was checking her in she told her, "Amy put you in a room to yourself."  She looked at me in surprise.  I told her I prayed about it and sensed she needed some introvert time.  She was still looking at me.

That weekend was incredible in so many ways.  All of it had to do with focusing on prayer and God.  He even gave mom and I some fun time.  Laurie's room was right next to our room.  My mom and I were in our beds.  Here's a warning:  My mom and I always tell stories, make up jokes and then we are laughing our stomachs out of our bodies.  We didn't know how loud we were.  Whenever we're together, unless it's inappropriate, we always find something to giggle about.

The next morning, Laurie walks up to us smiling.  She says something like, "I've never heard so much laughter like I heard from the two of you last night."  We were busted and slightly embarrassed.  We tried to chill out remembering she was our neighbor who was trying to sleep but we just couldn't do it.

At the end of the retreat, I knew for sure it was time to ask Laurie if we could spend some time together.
I wasn't sure what that would look like because it would have to wait until my next visit to my mom's.  That's when I prayed for God to guide me.  Not by my emotions but rather, by His will.

I didn't want to get hurt or disappointed unnecessarily and didn't want that for Laurie.

In tomorrow's reading, you'll learn how God's answer of  "yes" changed my fear into friendship.

Can People With Mental Illness Have Meaningful Friendships? Part 2 of 5

(Please read Part 1 for a full understanding.)

When I first met Marie, I was laying in a hospital bed, waiting to be tested for Epilepsy.  I felt vulnerable and scared because the seizures were intensifying in frequency and duration.  Normally, I would not have let a complete stranger see me in this condition.  However, Marie had three marks in her favor:

1.  Someone I knew had nice things to say about Marie.
2.  Marie was a pastor on staff at my church.
3.  I didn't get any warning alarms from the above.

When Marie came for a visit, she gave me some verse cards and her business card.  After I was released from the hospital, I believe I reached out to her through e-mail, thanking her for her visit.  Her response was warm, caring and sincere.

I started talking to her just a little bit through email.  She never made me feel like I was too complicated.  I was very careful not to disclose too much too soon.  I was cautious just like I am with everyone.

When I had to have back surgery she was one of my prayer cheerleaders.  She asked me to join a small group she was having in her home.  The study was going to be based on our Senior Pastor Bill Hybels' book, "Power of a Whisper."  It was going to start 2 months after the surgery so I had plenty of time to get back to her with an answer.

I didn't know what to say. The reason I mention this is because I hadn't been part of a small group for several years.  I'm an introvert with mental illness who grew up in an alcoholic home where I was constantly abused.  In the past I'd been in some great small groups but since I've been in God's plan for my recovery, I tend to shy away from them.  Marie knew this and asked me to pray about it.  Second, I didn't know Marie in a more intimate setting.  Third, she was the only one I knew in the group.  Fourth, I was healing enough to be able to sit pretty comfortably but if something happened during group, I'd be embarrassed.  Last, having a staff person from my church invite you into their home is a major big deal.  I figured I must be someone Marie can trust.  It was humbling.  What did I decide to do?  I decided God was opening a door for healing.  He was using his daughter Marie to take his daughter Amy by the hand and show her she's in a safe place.

On some Sundays, I would go to her section of the church service.  I would be there to be with God, of course, but I'd also be so excited to see her.  Sometimes I'd save a seat for myself on the main floor then go up the other two floors just to say "hi" and get a hug!

She always wanted to know how I was doing.  Why? Because she cared about me.
I'd give a quick answer and if she looked at me a certain way that said, "Tell me more," I'd add some more details or tell her I'd email them.  I never wanted to disrupt her ministry time.  Well, maybe once or twice!

I really wasn't sure what God was up to as far as a friendship was concerned.  I decided I would toss little bits of my life at her and see how she handled it.  She did very well.  Over time her warmth toward me grew. That's not what I thought would happen.  After all, people with mental illness can't have close personal relationships, can they.   Or can they?

Yes, we can.....if......

If the person we seek out has a healthy sense of self.
If the person we seek out has healthy boundaries.
If the person we seek out has an active lifestyle.
If the person we seek has a relationship with Jesus.

If we learn how to identify safe people (Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud)
If we learn how to receive sincerity in it's purest form.
If we listen for God to say, "Yes, this is a new friend for you to enjoy."
If we've given our lives to Jesus and been forgiven for our sins.

At some point, Marie began sharing her own heart.  At first I felt inadequate because of the mental illness but then I remembered the day she walked into the hospital.  If she had the courage to walk into my room then I could muster up the courage to be a sounding board.  Even today, I still get butterflies in my stomach!

Mental illness can't stop us from having meaningful friendships unless we let it.  However, there are times I have to cancel get togethers with Marie and that makes me sad.  Every time the depression kicks in or my anxiety shoots up out of nowhere, or the ptsd gets a grip on me, I have to remind myself that Marie understands.

I don't have to decorate the mental illness to hide it to make it look better for any given day out of fear that  it will scare Marie and she'll have to say good-bye.  I don't have to make excuses for it and I don't have to be afraid.  As long as I tell the truth, I can take it to the cross and let God do with it as He sees fit.

Marie's friendship has taught me many things but this is the main one:  I don't have to be perfect.

Do I still get scared that I'll do something and she'll have to leave?  Not so much nowadays.  She once read a book just to have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with everyday.  I was shocked and touched.

Who does that?  People who love you and want to understand your illness better.

Thank you, Marie, for opening up your time and extending grace over and over again.

Can People With Mental Illness Have Meaningful Friendships? Part 1 of 5

I am a forty-six year old female.
I am a woman who is feeling her feelings instead of eating them and steadily losing weight.
I am a recovering self-injurer who hasn't cut for eighteen months.
I am a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for almost five years.
I've attempted suicide twice.
I have been in and out of four hospitals for mental illness since 2006.
I have been out of the gay lifestyle since June 1994.
I have been in and out of chronic pain since 1992.
I have been a Christian since March 1988.
I am the oldest daughter of an alcoholic.
I am an incest survivor.
I am a sexual abuse survivor.
I am a physical abuse survivor.
I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor.
I walked into my first 12 step meeting at the age of 14 in 1981.
I have multiple mental illness diagnoses.
I take multiple medications.
I cannot work anymore.

What if I were to walk up and stand in front of you?  All of my broken pieces are written on a piece of foam board that hangs around my neck.  This is the only side you could see.  What would you do?  Would you turn and walk away then look back from a safe distance?  Would you notice I'm a little disheveled, perhaps a little shaky, not making eye contact with anyone?

What do you feel?

Maybe you take a step toward me and all of a sudden I take a step back, look down and put my hands in my pockets.  Are you offended?  Does that bother you?  Do you see the imaginary six foot circle I have around me that's my safe space?  Do you apologize and tell me you were trying to get a better look at my sign or do you interpret my reaction as a silent signal that I don't want you there?

Do you try to look into my eyes?

What if I'm laying in a hospital bed?  I have PTSD and it's so bad that I'm having frequent seizures that render me unable to move or talk even though I can talk in my head and hear what's going on around me.  They're running tests to rule out Epilepsy.  I'm trying to be calm.  Then a friend at the time mentions she asked a pastor from my church to stop in and see me.

I've never met this pastor and have no idea what to expect.  Time ticks by and in she walks.  She is introduced to me and she introduces herself.  I'm still not sure what's going on but I know God has a hand in it.  She stays for just a few minutes, chats a bit, prays then gives me a packet of verse cards before she leaves.

After she leaves, I notice she had a quiet gentle presence.  I know this because my spirit was at peace where ten minutes before it was very anxious.  She was soft spoken yet spoke with confidence.  She had a smile that lit up the room.  Her demeanor was welcoming and her boundaries were rock solid.  What I didn't know was God had just planted a seed in my heart with her name on it.

For the next few days I'm going to share two friendships, Marie (above) and Laurie.  They will answer YES to the title of this blog.  These two Godly women know about (I think) all the stuff at the top and they are helpers (not enablers) when the mental illness is pretty bad.  Writing about our friendship will bring joy to my heart.

It has not been easy trusting these women.
I asked God to please bring one or two friends that wouldn't be frightened by my past or present.
He answered that prayer many years ago.
This is one of His promises:

"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

Matthew 7:11

I am blessed.

Who's Driving?

Trusting God and waiting on Him is a learning process.  Most of the time I fly along in life without a single care or doubt about the direction God and I are traveling.  I'm enjoying the passenger seat, buckled in nice and tight, taking in the scenery, shoes off and sunglasses on.

As He's driving along I'm noticing the details of the colors of the trees or the coolness of the air that's blowing through my open window.  I stick my arm out the window, cup my hand and do the up and down thing against the wind.  I feel the warmth of the sun through the sunroof and feel the carpet beneath my feet.

I can smell the clean mountain air as I breathe in deeply.  I close my eyes and imagine myself floating up into the puffy white clouds, bouncing from one to the other.  As I make my way back down I see a forest of cacti.  We're in the desert now - hot, dry and magnificent.

God is enjoying our time together.  His smile is wide as He looks at me with Fatherly love in His eyes.  He enjoys taking me places where I feel deeply connected to Him.  The southwest is that place.  Oh, how I miss it.  It's been several years since I've been there.

And yet God has given me deeply connected moments in my hometown when I feel close to Him.  The creation He made here is very different from the southwest.  But oh, does it fill my soul.

Lush green grass, loose gravel walking trails, very old and very large oak and maple trees, the waterway, huge boulders, some wildlife and fishing.  All of these things pull me closer to God because my spiritual pathway to God is creation.

Some mornings the clouds are formed like mountain ranges.  They are a deep gray/purple color with peaks.  Driving toward them feels like you're in the mountains of Eastern Arizona.  The site of them gives me goosebumps.

Yes, all of this is available everyday.  I may not take advantage of it in person.  There are times, like now, when I visit these places in my mind.  Visiting in person is so much better.

I must schedule a time and purchase my fishing license.