Emotional Eating

Today I had an eating attack.  My stomach was still full from lunch but my head was screaming "FEED ME!"  I knew better so I went through my steps:

1.  Observe my stomach's fuel tank.  Is it hungry or is it satisfied?  If it's hungry, feed it using measured portions.  Mine was satisfied so onto number two.
2.  Identify what feeling/emotion is trying to escape into the food (today it was overwhelm).  Write this and steps 3-6 on a sheet of paper.
3.  Think about what is causing that feeling/emotion (today it was a dirty house).
4.  Strategize what would ease the intensity of that feeling (I made a list of what was bothering me the most).
5.  Ask yourself, in reality, what can you handle to make it better (I chose a goal of 4 chores).
6.  Spread it out throughout the day if that's possible (I got 3 done.).
7.  Write down how you feel afterward (I feel very proud of myself.  I had to talk positively to myself all the way through it).
8.  Be sure to show your therapist how you handled the feeling/emotion.
9.  Congratulate yourself with positive self-talk (Yeah!  I did it!!).
10.  Remember this helpful tip next time.

Here is an article by Mayo-Clinic about the same:  Gain Control of Emotional Eating

Challenges, Choices, Changes

This week has been filled with challenges, choices and changes.

My recovery means everything to me.  God has allowed these challenges to pass through His hands.  They float down to me and I have a choice.  Will I persist in my well-being by making the right choice or will I shut down, preventing good change to take place?

Fortunately, I'm in a season of persistence.  Actually, persistence is natural.  If I shut down it's because I'm afraid of something from my past.  I let it get a hold of me.  It's hard to let go.

My awesome therapist, Faith Gallup, has been my sole cheerleader for the last three weeks as I begin to:

1. Challenge the thoughts and reasons I keep myself over 117 pounds overweight.
2. Choose to bring those to our session so that I can begin letting go of them.
3. Change what and how much I am eating so that I can feel better like I really want to.

I was sitting here thinking, "This is the only time I have felt encouraged, empowered and equipped to make this drastic addiction change."  I've tried to lose weight using the buddy system but I'm not the buddy type. I'm private, I like to follow a clear set rules and I like to fill in the food/mood journal Faith created.

I'm seeing the progression of making healthier food selections, gradually measuring my portions and completely eliminating junk food.  It's not the way I want to recover. 

I'd rather talk about the crap and not eat the crap so that I will no longer look and feel like crap.

Here's the bottom line:  I'M FED UP WITH BEING FAT!  So I'm doing something about it.

Fear

There's no need to worry so why do we?  Fear.

False  Evidence  Appearing  Real

This is especially true for trauma flashbacks.  I can't tell you how many times I still have flashbacks and they freak me out.  In the flashback I'm reliving the trauma (mostly sexual abuse).  I am small, powerless and frightened.  

One male perpetrator is much older, smells like beer and comes into my room late at night.  Another perpetrator is female.  She is older, too.  She does something I don't understand.  Another male uses me for experimentation and self gratification.  Another male looks at my body.  Another female is acting out from the abuse done to her.  The other abuse was hearing someone I loved being raped repeatedly.  I was helpless then to help and I'm helpless in the flashbacks.

This kind of fear propels me forward in healing.  Sometimes, I catch myself in the dreams and respond accordingly to each abuse done to my body.  Sometimes I can talk myself down from the angst, the body memories, the trauma.  Sometimes, I am silent, dissociating now just like I did back then.

Fear is a learned behavior.  Can I unlearn it when it comes to my horrible abusive past?

I hope so.

Dreams

Not feeling well today.

Having some whacked out dreams.  Vivid ones.  Dreamt my mom died from a preventable heart attack.  I could still talk to her until she was embalmed.  That will be my greatest loss when it happens.

Dreamt I was hiking with a dear friend.  We went up to the mountains where there was a really cool light display and mirror pool.  We decided to walk to the city.  Taking an elevator to the top of a high rise building, all of a sudden the wind started swaying the building.  I looked out the window and saw a white tornado.  Along with others I watched it head right toward us.  Somehow I saw it go through the high rise next to us.  Lots of destruction.

I'm used to dreaming about tornadoes. They usually represent chaos or great fear in my life.  I'm not sure I'm having either of those.  Maybe.

Going to take it easy today.
Not sure what's going on.
Don't feel like eating.