"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Pet 1:6-7 NIV)
About This Blog
My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!
I don't feel well. I've been sluggish and now a migraine. This cold weather is dreary and a little depressing. My new kitty is doing great. She's so sweet and cuddly.
I'm anxious to meet with Dr. Didenko. I don't know what he's going to say. I will listen to his opinion then assert my own. Not to be mean but to participate in my mental health recovery.
I really just wanted to say thank you. I'm receiving gifts from you each and every day. I'm amazed at how often you think of me and provide perfectly for my needs.
I have a feeling when I see my psychiatrist in a couple of days he's going to recommend I be hospitalized. Not because my eating disorder is out of control. Not because I've self-injured. Not because I am having suicidal thoughts. I haven't done or had any of those. It's because my medication is not doing it's job and the side effects are a little rough.
Sometimes I sit back, close my eyes and picture myself at Alexian Brothers in the general psych unit. I enter into the feelings of safety, security and another chance to learn more about my mental illness. I can always use more tools in my toolbox.
Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, hearing voices, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic, Anxiety, PTSD, eating disorder and some agoraphobia. I'm a mess.
As a fully devoted follower of Jesus Christ, reading the Bible is just as important as eating food. I need to be reminded of who I am in Christ, under the authority of a loving Father, who gave me a private counselor all to myself in the Holy Spirit. Spiritual food for my soul.
I've read through the Bible I think once in it's entirety. I've read the first five books of the Old Testament hundreds of times. Can you relate to this? I'd get fired up, ready to read and forgot where I'd left off because it could be months before I cracked the Bible open for personal Bible study. So, I'd always start in Genesis.
I've read the New Testament at lease a few times all the way through. As above, I've read the gospels (the first four books) hundreds of times and probably the friendly books of Ephesians, Phillipians, 1 Peter and both Corinthians. I'm selective and choose what's most familiar.
I posted this on Twitter yesterday: "Leaves go through changes as they mature. What changes do you make to ensure you're maturing?" Good question, right? Since my Twitter is linked to my Facebook page, I shared my answer to that question. One of the ways I ensure I'm maturing is I found a user friendly website that has a variety of Bible reading plans. It can be found at: CLICK TO GO TO WWW.BIBLE.COM
This website has all different kinds of translations. What I like is some of the translations will read the chapters to you. This is especially helpful to those of us with mental illness or any other reading challenge. It's soothing, not pressurized and you pick any plan and set your own pace.
Reading the Bible. I don't have a better weapon against the arrows of the devil and his schemes. God's word penetrates the heart, binds up all wounds, protects me from things I know nothing about but most of all, it's God's love letter to me.
But hey, don't take my word for it! Experience it yourself.
You may recall the date May 21, 2008 when Steven Curtis Chapman and his family suffered the tragic loss of their five year old adopted daughter. One of his sons was backing out of the driveway when Maria ran behind the vehicle and was struck. See if you can pick up another reason why reading the Bible is so important.
When I was admitted into the SIRS/ED unit I knew immediately I was in the right place.
I was there for 12 days. I learned a ton of new coping skills. I was very involved in my treatment and sought help from my group of peers and staff. I had new awarenesses about the cutting behavior. New information I'd never known. I was glad to finally feel safe with myself.
I haven't cut since then. That's not to say I haven't had strong urges to cut. It's not to say I don't still get those urges. I do. Facing them head on instead of trying to hide them, I've found, works the best. Not letting those urges become fact is possible, too.
I thank God for all the staff at ABBHH, inpatient, for teaching me new ways to deal with life. Outpatient is a whole other animal. In fact, I don't recommend the outpatient SIRS/ED program. The people who are in charge of it on a daily basis have some growing up to do. They need to learn how to inspire teenagers - not tear them down with petty antics and childish behavior. That's the end of my soapbox.
Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital in Hoffman Estates, IL - A good place to get better.
One year ago today I admitted myself into the Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital for unrelenting urges to commit suicide and cut. I'd reached the end of my rope. A friend had been to this hospital and recommended it. I trusted she knew what I needed since my regular hospital closed the behavioral health unit.
I cried. I cried through all four interviews.
I was honest. I told each of them that if I went home I would hurt myself.
I waited. It took a few hours to get up to the unit.
I was confused. They put me on the general psych unit instead of SIRS/ED.
I was assigned a psychiatrist. His name is Dr. Taras Didenko.
I slept. All I had to do was trust God that I made the right decision.
That first day was pivotal in my recovery.
I hadn't cut before I went into the hospital. That was a miracle.
I did not attempt suicide before I went into the hospital. That was a miracle.
In my head I was screaming for help. That was a miracle.
I drove myself to get the help I needed. That was a miracle.
One year ago today I was bursting into tears for no reason, despondent over the racing thoughts and urges to self injure and incapable of taking care of myself at home.
I prayed to God for the right program, the right doctor and the right therapist. In a couple of days, God answered that prayer.
