Fun Time With Me

Enjoying some much needed quiet time.  I continue to guard my exposure to positive things only.  I'm finding some rest is well needed.

Went to my AA meeting, grocery shopping, completed some chores and identified a water leak around the edges of my window air conditioner.  So grateful for recovery friends who can fix that kind of repair easily.

It's time to watch the series, "The Killing," which is not what it sounds like.  It's about a single mom detective who sees her cases through to the end which is also one of her pitfalls.  No famous actors.  I'm already on Season Two.  

Time for popcorn and some episodes.

A date with myself.

Hope you are giving yourself some of your time today.....

Know what I mean??

The Introvert Cave

You'd think being home 24/7 on disability would meet the requirements of leading an introverted life.  I'm finding it can become just as hectic due to a diminished capacity or tolerance for stressful living.  Some of which I have control over - most of it I do not.

"The Introvert Cave," as I call it, is a safe place to retreat from the noise of this world.  I am removed from most civilization activities because I stay inside.

Allow me to describe my cave.  It's a journey to get there.  There are no roads or paths.  I carry a backpack that holds all I need.  Like what?

• Bible
• Journal and pen
• Flashlight
• White chaulk
• Light blanket and pillow
• Waterproof matches
• Change of clothes
• Roll of toilet paper

The cave is hidden in the mountains where only the animals roam.  It's surrounded by a forest and a stream that runs about a half-mile to the east.  The water is cold and clear, safe for drinking.  The forest has many trees that have fallen which supplies ample firewood.  Wild blueberries and other flavorful delights are within walking distance.  I want for nothing.

The cave itself has an opening that is neither too big or too small.  It provides the right amount of light.  The temperature is cool without dampness.  It has markings on the stone walls from previous visits. There's a rock shaped fire pit from the small boulders I carried back from the stream.   I can tell from the thin layer of dirt on the floor where I last laid my head.  I feel instant peace and calm.

There is no routine for the day.  I quiet my mind and let the Lord into this place.  He is always with me but I'm not always aware of His presence because of the yammering in my head.

He waits for me.
He shows Himself to me.
He longs to share what He wants me to do.

And at the end of this journey in my cave, is all the peace and love I need so that I can carry on in His footsteps.

If you'd like to read the whole true story about another cave dweller named Elijah,  Click Here

The Overcomer

Is it just me or is the whole world breaking up into pieces?

Every time I log onto Facebook I read news stories about girls and women missing, kidnapped or being raped; animals and babies hurt or abandoned; the leaders of our nation more concerned about the sound byte than doing their jobs and other countries struggling to keep peace.

I'm so grateful we have a God who not only sees what's going on but is actively involved in bringing His love and provision through His people (including ministries) and the church.  

Whenever I start to go down the road of "life is too hard," I force myself to say, "It's only too hard without God."  I wake up everyday with two choices:  Include God in my day or don't include God.

When I include God the day flows much better.  I'm less likely to feel irritated by other people's behavior and then sin in my thoughts.  I flourish in the tasks I set out for the day even if I am only able to complete one of them.  I have patience and compassion when driving in traffic, noticing people's faces who are downcast, tear-streaked or look like they need some of God's good lovin'.

The world is going to continue getting worse.  That we can't stop.  Our faith in God and His Supreme plan supercedes all the sin and dysfunction that surrounds us.  Here's what Jesus had to say about where to put our hope:

John 16:33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” 

That's where my head rests especially on the days when the voices inside my head are screaming and shouting about upsetting stories in the global news. It's out of my control.

Life is hard enough without walking through it unguided with no hope.  God sent Jesus as a love offering for our sin.  He paid our debt in full.  If we accept that payment and ask Jesus into our hearts, He will be with us forevermore.

Jesus is our Overcomer! 

Robin Williams - Still Sad

It's been a week since Robin Williams committed suicide.  I thought I had written everything that needed to be said, which is to say, I'm still learning about these things called, "feelings."

Last night David Letterman paid an emotional tribute to Robin Williams.

Click here

After watching the segment, I found myself crying, again.  What is causing these tears?  Why do I feel as if I've lost an understanding friend?  Who is going to patch this hole I have inside?

As I've grown up chronologically and in my own understanding of depression, I've been able to pinpoint people who share the same emotional pain that I do.  Years ago, I knew there was something different about this man.  Not only did he have a gift for making people laugh but he had a gift for putting others at ease.

Maybe that's what's hitting me.  Robin Williams put himself at ease by taking his life.  I'm selfish.  I want him here so that I can point to him when my mind gets dark and say, "See?  If Robin can do it and he lives a public life, surely I can do it for I live a quiet life."

I knew from watching the man that he had struggles.  For those of us who know what I'm talking about, I know I'm not the only one who saw it.  And he's not alone.

There are entertainers who still have the secret.  They don't feel safe talking about it.  They're trying to medicate it on their terms.  They're living a merry-go-round life and there's no one to help them stop the spinning so that they can jump off into the comfort of help.

I would have gladly sat down with Robin Williams and his wife to talk about what was ailing him.  I can't offer any medical help because I'm not a psychiatrist.  I can't offer any therapeutic help because I'm not a licensed counselor.  I can't offer any marital help because I'm single and again, not properly licensed.

What would I have done?  I would have asked him one question.

"Robin, I'm looking at your eyes and I see a great deal of sadness and hopelessness.  Obviously this is something you don't want to feel so deeply otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here right now.  Can I ask you a question?"

"What's keeping your heart beating?"

That question will never be asked by me to him but it can be asked by you.  I put myself in that sentence above and looked deep inside myself.  "What would I want to be asked?"

I can answer that question myself only because I've been in the deep recess of the depression pit and by the grace of God, my suicide attempts were not successful.

What keeps my heart beating?  God's purpose for my life isn't finished yet so no matter how hard it gets or how low I feel or how many mental illnesses are manifesting themselves at one time, my responsibility is to:

1.  Pray
2.  Call therapist
3.  Call psychiatrist
4.  Get away from the place where suicidal thoughts are mounting
5.  Repeat

Robin Williams will be remembered for his generosity, talent and love for his family forevermore.

Say What? Just Say It

Now that the rhetoric has died down in my head I can focus a little better.

My body is acting weird again.  It's movement disorder and manifests itself akin to Parkinson's.  The head movements and stretches, the fingers even while typing stop to stretch out and move about while my palms lay resting on the laptop.  My leg crossed on top of the other, my foot shakes and moves around.  Heaven help me if all of this happens at one time.

Haven't had it for awhile.  Maybe a month or so.  Could be stress related or who knows.  Certainly not medication related as there have been no new adjustments.  It makes typing it's own sport.

One of the goals I set for myself was to attend my women's AA meeting.  I contemplated getting up early the next morning to see how my body felt.  I've been wanting to go for a few weeks.  Have had either goofy brain or something else physical.  Sleeping has been a bit of a challenge, too.

As it turns out I was good to go.  Since I have a bit of a drive I thought about whether or not to announce my five year sobriety anniversary during that segment of the meeting.  I was doubting it because of one person who acted like the sobriety police the first time I attended that meeting two years ago.  When our meeting split into mini meetings she came up to me and said, "I haven't seen you here before.  What's your sobriety date?"  Yeah, how about a punch right in the nose?  Of course I didn't do that but I answered her question instead.  I don't think she believed me and I didn't care.  I was three years sober.

I figured she was going to be there this time, too.  I haven't been there for about a year and a half so I decided to have a response ready just in case.  When it was time to announce anniversaries greater than one year, I asked the lady next to me if that meant I should just speak up.  She said yes and announced we had one over here.  All eyes (50+ women) turned to me and when I said I'd been sober for five years in July, a hearty cheer filled the room!!

After the meeting split I wasn't surprised to see the "police" woman in the room I was in.  I know her life does not revolve around my proof of sobriety but there was something gnawing in my spirit that needed to be said.  Often times, I cause my own emotional anguish because I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything instead of saying what I need to say.  So, when it came my turn to talk, here's part of what I said:

"As most of you know who may remember me, I haven't been here for over a year.  I, too, was shocked with the suicide of Robin Williams mostly because I have a dual diagnosis (depression / alcoholic) and I'm an attempt survivor."  I talked about some other stuff then said this:

"There are some in this room who might doubt that I have five years of sobriety simply because I haven't been to this meeting in awhile.  And I just want you to know......it's no one else's business but me and God's."

Surprise!!!!  Another eruption of applause and a five year token in my pocket.

Cha-ching.  I've found my voice.