Hanging On

I struggled to wake up this morning after a vivid dream.
The only thing I remember is the number 240.50.
I had a pulsating migraine but once I got out of bed it dissipated.
After a shower, it was completely gone.

Depression is heavy in my mind.
I'm focusing on my book, the abuse chapters and the content.
How detailed do I get?
How do I protect people's identity?

Do I say, Dad, uncle, neighbor, male and female perpetrators totaling six?
Do I talk about the repercussions like hair pulling, bed wetting, splitting off into another personality, protecting my mom and siblings, burying my own feelings and later cutting, drinking and mental illness?
What about the rage I feel inside so many decades later?
Where does that fit in?

There's so much more.  How do I choose?
I hate my mental disorders.
I really do.
I feel like punishing myself.
But that won't fix anything.

Access To My Feelings, etc.

I had to push away the feelings to disappear.
They came out of feeling scared and maybe even anger.
I could feel the surge of emotions well up inside of me.
I started to drive away from home when I heard it.

The voice.

The Holy Spirit said, "Amy, all you have to do is turn around."
"Turn around and watch a three hour movie."
"You don't have to talk to anyone."
"You don't have to do anything."
"You can curl up on the couch under your blanket."
"You'll be safe."

I decided to drive a little ways to a safe destination.
I drove around slowly, taking in what I saw.
I was surprised by some of it.
The rest of it was clearly familiar.
Then I drove home.

I completed an outdoor task that brought up feelings of anger.
Someone else deciding what was right.
Someone else not doing what I asked.
I decided I would do it myself.
I have the right to take away someone else's service.

When I finished outside, I sat inside and watched a movie.
I didn't call my therapist or a friend or a family member.
My disorders are my own and I can get through them on my own.
Besides, they don't always know what to do.
That's okay because I know what to do.

As I was watching the movie I started hearing voices,
The radio ones where I can't make out what's being said.
Since this has happened half a dozen times, I should call my psychiatrist.
But since it's happened half a dozen times and I haven't flipped out, well,
I'll call next week when I have enough gas.

Besides, I know what and how much I can handle of my mood disorders, schizophrenia, bipolar depression and other mental illnesses I have .

I'm the one with 100% access and knowledge inside of me.
I get to decide who gets how much and when.
No one else will ever have complete access.
Why?
Because I'm still discovering things about my past, I'm still in therapy to talk about whatever needs talking about and I don't trust people easily.

This is a great short video on Bipolar.  They have some awesome videos.  I watched many of them.

Writing for God

I awoke with a heavy heart this morning knowing next week I meet with my merry group of women.  We'll be sorting through all of my writing over the last six years, categorizing it into topical groups so that I can bring it before the Lord and ask if the book should be written in topical chapters chronologically or chronologically by topic.  I wrestle with this decision.

I struggle to write about topics that still cause pain to surface.  I've talked about them before but having someone else learn about them is scary and exposing.  I may need to have a friend or my therapist sit with me as I write down those experiences.

The hope part is rather easy and I look forward to it.  There has been so much healing and insight from such pain and abuse one would think I would have emerged a bitter person but I did not.  God guarded my spirit from ever becoming like theirs and for that, I am very grateful.

Writing a book God asks you to write can be stressful when you forget He's going to be there to lead and guide you all the way.  That's what I keep forgetting.  It wasn't my idea to write it.  I just asked the question.  He was the one who gave the answer.

God the Father, Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirit are the leaders, providers, teachers and guardians of my life.  They have my back when Satan casts a net over my brain and I can't think or write or read the Bible or stumble when I talk or keep my balance or have migraines or nightmares or suicidal thoughts or self-injure.  But my Heavenly Realm reminds me of their presence, their Guardian of Angels, my ability to keep myself safe, the many phone numbers I can call, the godly therapist I've been given, my psychiatrist who will bend over backwards to get me into the hospital and all the ladies who would help if I ask for it, my family who would come running and I am capable, even when I'm feeling incapable, of taking care of myself.

I know I need a few Sams in my life.  I've been blessed to have three of the most godly women I know befriend me when least expected:  Marie, Laurie and Catherine.  And then I have my Pippins and Marys who are pure delights, like the three before, and they are Jennifer, Saundra, Michelle, Donna, Merrilyn, Kim, my small group, my family and a host of others too many to mention.

My Sams are warriors even if they don't see themselves that way.  They cast out demons, pray for protection, read about my past and put a knife into the enemy all the while holding my inner child who is afraid she has lost what she's been fighting for all along on her journey.  But she hasn't.

It's like in the Fellowship of the Ring -  The Return of the King when Frodo needs Sam's help to complete the task set before him that only he can complete.  I recognize that my book will not save middle earth like in this scene but you never know...for someone suffering from the effects of abuse, it just might.

You see, Sam has now become a fierce warrior and no one or nothing is going to stand in the way of him getting to his friend, Frodo.  But when he gets there and pulls the ring out of his pocket to show Frodo he had it for safe keeping, he listens to Frodo about giving him the ring.  Did you notice Sam's hesitation in giving it to Frodo?  Did you notice Frodo's response?

 - Frodo asked Sam to give him back the ring.

 - Sam did not want to but not for the reason Frodo thought.
 - Frodo thought Sam wanted to keep it for himself.

 - Sam was staring at the skin around Frodo's neck from carrying the ring.

 - Sam knew what wearing the ring was doing to Frodo and still, he gave it back to him.

 - And Sam was right.  Frodo became instantly weak with the burden he knew was his alone to carry.

Sometimes, not often, God asks us to carry a burden that no one else can really understand unless they've experienced it and even then, it can feel lonesome.  Fortunately, it's not very often. Even Jesus had John and His mother with him at the cross.  Others came but the ones He loved the most and who loved Him were there to share the burden and agony of pain and sorrow of death with Him.

They cried at the sight of Him, they cried at the tears He cried, they cried when He cried out in pain, they cried when He called out to His father and they cried when He cried His very last tear.

That's whose pain I carry in my heart.  The One who was asked to carry a burden on my behalf, to suffer on my behalf, to bleed on my behalf, to be separated from those He loved on my behalf, to be beaten until almost dead on my behalf, to hang as a common criminal on my behalf, to pardon a guilty criminal on my behalf, to forgive me on my behalf, to die on my behalf, to rise on my behalf and to start the church on my behalf.

That's why this book is being written.

On His behalf.

When God Gives An Assignment

I'm working on a project for someone in our small group.  It's a privilege to use my gifts and talents to brighten a gloomy place in the life of someone I care about.  That's when I started thinking about it.

God has never given me an assignment then abandoned me to do it by myself.  It's not in His nature.  He stays available to help, advise, show and bring others to assist every time I ask Him.  Many times I'm so perplexed I don't know what words to say to get what I need.  That's when I remember Jesus and the Holy Spirit are praying for me when I can't figure it out.

I've added a dear friend to, from time to time, look at the structure and some of the content format of how I'm writing my book.  She is someone who can pray specifically (or ask Jesus) for guidance as I write.

There are parts of my story I don't want to write.  I feel physically sick when I see the words then I quickly turn the pages for what seems an eternity.  Those will be hard.

But then there's hope.  Hope in healing, hope in memories no longer controlling your thoughts, hope of friends who truly love you whom you don't have to put through a test, hope for the end of addictions and self-injury, hope for mental illness to be correctly diagnosed and medicated, hope for a sound and well-balanced therapist and hope for a brighter future.

I will be writing about that, too.

I snuck this same friend an index card that reads:  God will never let you go.

Those are for the times when lies get into our thoughts and we need to be reminded how valuable we are to God.  After all, He created us in His image.  He gave us gifts and talents.  He wants to have a personal relationship with us through His Son, Jesus.

It doesn't get any better than that no matter how much abuse I survived by how many people who perpetrated it for how many years it lasted

God never stopped loving me,
He always will see me as valuable.
He sees you that way, too!