I haven't self-injured since February 7th. My mouth has not been absolved of the temptation. I'm quick enough to catch it and more aware of when it's likely to happen.
This past week I've had a headache or a migraine every single day. I'm going to call a neurologist but I'm not sure I want to jump into another ailment. At the moment, I have enough going on without adding another pill regiment that could or could not interact with the medication I'm already taking. Did you hear that? I've already talked myself out of it for fear of making matters worse. Not a great leap of faith.
I'm trying to lose weight which is the strongest stronghold I have. I know I need to let God remove it because I am failing by trying to overcome it on my own. I'd rather be stuck in a stadium packed with people than have this 100 pounds removed. As an introvert, that's saying something. So I lose weight, gain weight. Then I get mad at myself. I don't know why I do this but I do. Actually, it's because I'm not ready to lose the padding that keeps me (here's the lie) safe from being hurt by the people I let into my crazy little world.
OF COURSE THEY CAN HURT ME!
By accident, not on purpose. They take the same risk with me. I'm sure I've said something that hurt someone. Probably a skinny person. :)
The chicken story.
Changing what and how much I eat is easy on some days and hard on others. Depends on what kind of bull crap I'm believing in my head. I have got to get my head thrown onto the throne of God's grace.
I thawed out a package of chicken. It needed to be cooked. Last night I prepared the pan, made sure the oven was at the right temperature and in went the chicken. I have no timer on the oven and I just threw away the broken clock in the living room so I depended on my phone. Rather than setting a timer (hint hint) I made a mental note (bad move) and laid down on the couch to watch tv. I woke up at 12:30 a.m. with no memory of putting it into the oven. Down to my bedroom I went and fell back to sleep.
I did not think about the chicken until I woke up this morning. No, the working smoke alarms were not going off as much as my panic was running down the hallway. When I caught up to it there was nothing. No smoke. No smell of anything burning. Nothing.
I opened the oven door and the whiff of cooked chicken filled my nostrils. I took it out, lifted off the aluminum foil I had covered it with and voila! Perfectly cooked chicken with no sign of any harm.
Only God.
Maybe God is trying to tell me eating healthy is a good choice.
Maybe God is trying to show me that cooking for myself is not that hard.
Maybe God is whispering to me, "C'mon Amy. Let's do your weight loss together. You don't have to go it alone."
My oven could have caught on fire - God didn't let that pass through His hands.
Instead, He let me sleep and enjoy a perfectly delicious meal with His protection surrounding me.
He's nice like that!!
