Where Do You Turn When

Where do you turn when:

1. Your life feels upside down but isn't,
2. Your feelings feel unidentifiable but are.
3. Your work is taking up rent free space in your head so get some money.
4. Your finances are stable but you worry about the future.
5. Your relationships could end at any second but realistically the casualty rate will be low.

The first thing I always do is turn inward and turn to God.  When I am too introspective and get myself jammed up in the emotions/details, then I turn to movies.  When I'm bored watching movies I try to get it out on a blog but I'm very selective with what I share.  When I've talked to my therapist, checked in with my psychiatrist and completed all the above, then I turn to this:

My favorite TV show of all time, "The West Wing."

The writing and cast of this show is incredibly fast paced, highly intelligent, dry humor and educational.  It touches on real life issues for our country and does so with a Democratic President played by Martin Sheen.  It ran for 7 seasons and I enjoy it now on Netflix.

Today is one of those days where I felt like having a good cry but it was stuck.  I had to write a final email to a former friend and the loss hurts.  Not just emotionally but also psychologically.  I'll see her at church but we won't greet one another with a smile or a hug.  Or rather, she won't walk down to me and grab me for a hug.  She won't grab me as I'm going by for a hug.  I received a lot of prayer and  laughter and I gave what I had but, well, Satan won.  That is something to mourn.  My mom is right.  It's hard for people to be my friend.

And that's when I need help, when I'm on my own.  Some of the episodes of The West Wing are tear jerkers.  Some provoke anger.  Most leave me thinking about issues.  Any of them help me get to my feelings where I can easily get lost or leave behind.  But there are times, more often than not, when I'm able to identify AND feel my emotions when I watch it.  What a great blessing God has given.

Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes, In Excelsis Deo from Season One.

Click on this link to be brought to You Tube for viewing

Feeling Sad and Feeling Mad

I feel so hurt that I can't let anyone near me.  Simply speaking to someone causes anger to well up.  It's really sadness, loss and betrayal mixed with lies, deceit and false love.  Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Immaturity and putting on a false face of caring.
Not being integrated.
Pretending to be a friend while keeping score of my inadequacies.

I had no such game I was playing.

I'm not perfect, mind you, but I know what it feels like to be mistreated.
And yet I did not see or feel the signs.
Maybe I didn't want to.

This door will close a short chapter.
It will close painfully and permanently.
I lost two with this one.
The other by association.

No more.
No more pain.
No more sorrow.
No more new friendships.

I'll be lucky to keep the ones I have.

"Do not give up.  Get finished," God says,
"There's a lot more for you to do."

Hopefully it won't involve people.

Realization

This day, I've come to the conclusion that my existence is to be lived amongst the association of people already in my life.

My family, friends and small group.  I need to limit my exposure to new people especially those who are eager to be my friend.  Sandy could not handle my instability with mental illness, physical illness, grief over Aaron's death anniversary, she questioned and presumed my sexual preference and all the while used my gift of encouragement for her own benefit. 

I made the mistake of believing she actually cared about me, my concerns and enjoyed my spiritual gifts of writing and encouragement as I did hers.  I feel like apologizing for being a disruption to her sanity (based on what she said) but then again, had I been told all along, maybe this friendship could have been saved.

Maybe if I'd spoken up and was honest about more uncomfortable moments, maybe.....

But it makes no difference now. 

I have a hobby making bark art.  I finished hers last month with a cd (Extravagant Grace) to accompany it.  I painted words from a song and polyurethaned it.  I do this for many people.  It's beautiful.

What was I going to do with it?  I decided to make some changes and keep it for myself.  Afterall, I needed reminding of the Holy Spirit's presence, too. 

God reminded me that when a friendship ends it leaves room for a new beginning.  Mine is a spiritual one with the Holy Spirit.  What is yours?

Surprise Loss Of A Friendship

A year ago, I left my home church of 27 years.  A dear friend endorsed a small multiple location church whose senior pastor has a very strong gift in shepherding, meaning he cares for the attendees very much.  I decided to give it a try.

I liked it.  I needed prayer after my first visit so after the service he directed me to the prayer area.  I was blessed to have multiple people pray for my concerns which were quite heavy on my heart.  I continued going to prayer after the service then eventually felt lead to go to one certain person.  I'll call her Sandy.

Sandy's prayers were deep, personal and reflected her relationship with Christ.  I felt stronger even if I didn't feel "better" after we'd pray.  Around this past February, something changed.

Sandy said to me, after we prayed, "I want to be your friend."  I wasn't sure what she meant so I poked around for clarification.  I first asked why then I said I'd think about it.  I felt a little uneasy in my spirit because if you knew me, you'd know I don't let people in randomly.  I'm very guarded, protective and selective.  I wanted to see if this was of God or not.

When I talked to Sandy again, I followed up with why she wanted to be my friend and I noticed her response seemed genuinely heart centered.  I took a risk and said yes.

We continued praying together but then I noticed some of her behavior I recognized from my own past.  I accepted her as she was, loved her where she was and encouraged her during times of stress.  Since I am a writer, my words tend to be deep and sometimes can be misunderstood as being in love with someone rather than affectionate love toward someone.

We started getting together outside of church which was a shock to me.  I knew she had a busy schedule but she said she enjoyed being with me.  Quite a compliment.  We even went to the Memorial Day parade together, took a walk on a trail, met at her house a few times and I shared part of my book with her (a big step for me).

Not long ago, Sandy was going through a lot of stress.  I was writing as I write and I happened to touch on the Orlando Massacre and I touched on a part of my past where I was sexually mixed up.  I knew something was terribly wrong by her written reaction.  The friendship exploded and unraveled all at once.  I hadn't felt so hurt or misunderstood by her until that point.  It was just a matter of time before she put up so many walls of protection that never needed to go up.  Then it happened.

Eventually she apologized, mind you, all through email, but the damage was done.  I'd deleted her from my social media and other communications so that I couldn't get hurt anymore.  Yes, I'd forgiven her, but the damage was done.  There was no going back.  There couldn't be.  She sent a final email that said so.  Her boundaries left no room for me although I think it was supposed to look like they did so I pulled the plug all together.  I'm guessing but now she can be the good guy.

Essentially, she went from "I want to be your friend" to "I don't want you in my life."

The sadness I feel is the loss of someone I trusted, felt safe, she felt safe and she told her family about.  The anger I feel is neither one of us is perfect but I got all the blame.  I extended grace to her during her troublesome times yet she chose to believe something about me, instead of asking questions or having empathy.

I can't do what she wants to do which is to go back to "church only" interactions.  That's unrealistic and more painful than I want to put myself through.  Unfortunately, since our church is small and I'd see her each week, I need to find another church but stay with my small group.

What have I learned?

• Sometimes, loving people hurts but you don't stop loving people.
• You learn to identify safe people and make sure you are a safe person for someone else.
• Hurting people is not what God intended for relationships.  
• I need to decrease my expectations and increase my time alone.

                         Safe People - By Dr Cloud & Dr Townsend