My story out of the darkness.
"My name is Amy. I am twelve years old and I can't stop him from hurting me. I have nowhere to go. Nowhere is safe. I live in a family but I am alone."
That was my first suicide attempt almost forty years ago. It failed. I woke up and cleaned our house as if nothing had happened. I went back to living with an overly abusive dad, feeling scared and alone, hoping someone would hear my silent cries for help.
Two years later, my mom did.
Even though I've had years of extensive recovery, including a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the one thing that remains a constant battle is suicidal thoughts. They are intrusive and at times very intense. No amount of prayer has lessened the frequency of intrusion.
But that's not the end.
I have learned one life saving truth: My suicidal thoughts are triggered by several factors and experiences. I have to be and I do mean HAVE TO BE gut level raw honest with myself AS SOON AS THOSE THOUGHTS START. Honest about what and what do I do?
Below are the five basic things I do to keep myself alive:
1. What am I feeling? For me, feeling suicidal is not a feeling. It's a response to how I'm REALLY feeling. The suicidal thoughts are the ugly monster that is holding me hostage. I'm usually feeling depressed, hopeless, scared (most of the time), overwhelmed, alone, not understood, misunderstood, a freak, unlovable, angry, like my mental illness is winning and my chronic pain hurts hurts hurts.
2. I stop dwelling on the suicidal thoughts. If you feed the monster the monster will grow. Now that I've identified the real feeling, even if I'm still feeling a bit shaky, I can move forward just a little bit. I don't try to work on the feeling too much. Maybe some drawing but definitely time with my therapist and a friend.
3. I change my posture. I don't have suicidal thoughts when I'm standing and moving around. I have them when I'm laying down or sitting in deep thought. If I'm having a bad chronic pain day, I try to shift my posture even if it's for only a few minutes. The goal is to break the thought pattern with body movement.
4. I redirect myself. Just this past week I was triggered and couldn't identify what I was feeling. It wasn't until a few days later when I realized how sad I felt at the momentum suicide is gaining and the lives the monster is enveloping. When I met with my therapist and told her about my struggle, I cried. Then I told her about a goal I made which redirected those thoughts into something positive. I felt proud of myself.
5. I remind myself that help is available and these thoughts are just thoughts. They cannot harm me. It feels like they can at the time they're happening but that's the LIE the monster tells. It's not true!
I hope this gives you some usable ideas and helps you on your journey toward healing and wholeness!
If you can't shake those suicidal thoughts on your own and want to talk to someone 24/7 please dial 800-273-8255.
God loves you. He hasn't abandoned you or forgotten about you. In fact, he created you for a very special purpose! Please stay and find out what that is.
