About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Weeds In Our Lives and Flowers In Our Garden

Stades Market, Fox Lake, IL
Have you ever felt excited about starting a garden?  I have two dear friends who have beautiful gardens.  All kinds of plants and flowers and garden decorations sprinkled throughout.

I marvel at the delicacy and work each of them put into their gardens.  It takes a lot of care to grow plants, flowers and vegetables.  As you may know, I planted my first two tomato plants this past summer.  It took work to help them grow.

Weeds.  Not many people who have gardens like weeds.  After all, a weed can snuff out the growth of plants by choking the life out of them.  Weeds must be removed or the health of the garden diminishes.

What about the weeds in our lives?  What do those look like?  They prevent us from moving forward in a positive direction.  They stall our growth until they are found and pulled out by the root.  They can be deceiving and look like a plant until they reveal their true identity.

Weeds are in our lives to show us what to keep out of our lives.  They keep us sharp as we live our lives according to God's plan and purpose.  Weeds keep us alert to what is supposed to be in our life and what we need to remove.  Weeds are not hard to remove - just give them a pull and they're out.

Flowers.  Beautiful colors, some are buds when they begin and they can be fragrant, pleasant to our senses.  Some need to be pruned, some need to be thinned out and all of them need gentle love and water to grow.

Flowers in our lives remind us of the good things.  Like what?  Well, being alive for one. God chose us to be alive, at this time in history and He desires a personal relationship with us.  We choose flowers as friends, a lot of us have flowers as family and each of us has the choice of how many and what kind of flowers to have in our garden.

We want our flowers to grow in a healthy way, perhaps adding Miracle Gro.
We want the weeds to be identified and removed, sometimes they're prickly.
We want our flowers to give us joy and happiness so we spend time with them.
We want the weeds to be pulled out to make room for more flowers so that all those colors nourish our soul.

For me, I'm adding flowers but I'm being choosy.  I want flowers I can easily incorporate into my garden.  I want flowers that will not take over the garden.  I want flowers that can be independent and flourish with some tender loving care.

Good soil, regular watering and bending over to pull weeds.

That's what makes a flower (and a tomato) grow.

Monday, November 09, 2015

When Stinkin' Thinkin' Is All You Have

Today I'm feeling deep seeded anger.  Maybe it's because everywhere I turn, my life oozes with stress.  Maybe it's because I'm restricting my eating so NOT stuffing my feelings with food is aggravating.  Maybe it's because I just finished re-hanging loved ones who have passed away - my memory wall.

Maybe I'm angry because my blood work came back and my triglycerides are so high they could be rented out as an excursion tour.  Maybe I'm angry because I have to lose 100 pounds.  Maybe I'm angry because, unlike my first 90 days in AA where I attended 90 meetings, I can't lose 100 pounds in 100 days.  It's "unhealthy."

Really?  I'd like to know what skinny person said that because I'd punch them in the nose hard enough so they'd hit the ground.  I've watched shows where these 500/600lb men and women lose 50 pounds in a month and they are TOLD to do it.  TOLD.  My doctor didn't blink when last Thursday I said I'd lost 7 pounds since the week before.  He was all for it.

Today is "F" word day.  Don't ask me why, it just is.  I've had so much shit happening that I'm using swear words and it feels satisfying.  Worst of all, I don't care.  I'm told feeling my feelings is good, healthy, emotionally healing, good self-care even though what I really want to do is flip my finger off at the world and quit.

Writing this book is killing me.  Not literally, of course, but it's killing me that it's not getting written.  I mean it's getting written it's just not being put into some sort of order - any order.  Timeline or topic or whatever - it has to get going and it has to get going now.  I feel a sense of urgency.  So I made a call and a friend is going to help.

There are days I hate my life and I've had so many of them strung together for 3-4 weeks.  Medication adjustments, blood tests, carpel tunnel surgery, Lipitor increased, glucose elevated when I had it down six months ago, kitties disappearing then reappearing, my car needs work and I'm screwed up about who should do it.  Trust the people I don't know but are 12 step and Christians or have it done by my mechanics.  It frustrates the "F" out of me.  Right now, I chose the first one on faith.

Oh, yes, I still have faith.
Faith that I'm no good.  I'm no good to people or God or anyone.
Awareness that I'm angry and I feel no good to people or God or anyone.
Remembering I'm angry sober and food free and I feel no good to people or God or anyone.

Faith tells me I'm right where I should be:
1.  In God's capable hands.
2.  In the season of life that He's chosen for me.
3.  Trust the Creator, not the creation.

FAITH:  The other "F" word.

I thought this was cute:  Creator vs. Creation