For several weeks, I've been falling asleep on the couch. Usually to a TV show I intend to watch til the end but you know how that goes when you're tired. Sleeping on the couch has, in the past, been a warning sign that sexual abuse issues are about to surface.
They come in the form of dreams, body memories (re-experiencing the abuse), PTSD and sometimes psychosomatic seizures which are emotion based - not epileptic based. Sleeping on the couch is a measuring stick I use to tell me how long and how in depth those memories are going to be. It's a tool that has worked very well in my recovery.
Instead of having a dream where my body is being abused, I had a dream where I was being nurtured by my mom AND dad. Lots of hugs, kind words and even laughter. I felt no fear for my safety, no fear for anyone else's safety and no need to find a way of escape from danger. There was no danger.
There was no danger of any kind. No hitting, no yelling, no furniture being thrown or broken, no shoes being thrown at my cats and no creaking floor in the middle of the night with a dark shadow on my wall getting closer to me. There was no danger of any kind.
As the dream continued in it's nurturing manner, I could feel myself relax and drink in the safety I wish in real life I'd had. When I woke up, I heard my little girl voice say, "I miss my mom and dad." I said that a couple of times as I got up off the couch and walked to my bedroom.
"I miss my mom and dad."
I pulled back my covers, pushed the dvd into the player and crawled into bed, holding my extra pillow and drifting off to sleep.
"I miss my mom and dad."
