Dealing With A Lot - Final

I remain concerned about my cat who has been gone for twelve days.  It's hard not being able to find her.  Our weather has a couple of warmer temps so I'm hopeful she'll come out of hiding and be sitting on my porch.  There's a good chance I can crawl under my home with my flashlight to make sure she's not under there.

I continue to feel drained and very, very tired.  I struggle to keep my eyes open.  I'm sleeping better at night.  I'm dog sitting for a dear friend which is good.  I love these dogs.  One of them licks my face when I'm sleeping to let her out.  I don't get woken up like that at home.  It's usually a kitty paw on my face or someone pouncing on my tummy.

A few nights ago my mom called.  She had a major headache all day and went to see her doctor.  Mom had a TIA years ago so anytime she has something related to a stroke she has to see her doctor.  So far they've run a bunch of tests.  They haven't told her the results so she's guessing everything is okay.

She has a brain MRI scheduled for this Tuesday.  She does have a little more plaque on her brain.  She says it's normal because she's 71.

I received this phone call after my friend's husband had the large cancerous brain tumor removed and the night of Grandma Miller's wake.  I could barely have the conversation with my mom.

I felt like another bomb had been dropped.  Our conversation was short.  I hung up the phone and said, "Lord, I can't handle any more of anything."

The next morning I woke up with a killer migraine.  I took my meds and then my entire head went numb for about half an hour.  I should have taken myself to the emergency room but honestly, I had no energy to do anything.  The numbing came and went for about an hour and a half then it stopped.  Then I rested at home and didn't do anything.

• Self-Care:  Trying to use more boundaries is tricky.  Learning how to measure my ability to give takes practice but I think I did okay.  It's good to know what's practical to find my cat.  It's healthy to know if I can listen to my mom and if so, how much.  I didn't do good taking care of the numbness all over my head so I'll try to do better next time.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 3

Grandma and Grandpa Miller - taken Feb 2009

My sister called.  She wanted to let me know that Grandma Miller wasn't doing well.  The doctors didn't expect her to live much longer.  She would be leaving us soon.

When my sister married her husband, we were welcomed into a big family.  Grandma and Grandpa Miller were her husbands grandparents.  They were deeply in love with each other and it showed in the way they treated each other.

Grandpa Miller passed away three years ago.  I went to the wake and the funeral.  I felt very sad.  He was a warm and gentle man who had a radiant smile.  The pain of his passing hurt his wife, his children, his grandchildren and those whose lives he touched.  Ours included.

The next week  I was bringing my adult nephew home when I saw my sister at a stop sign.  I stopped, rolled down my window and said, "Hey!  Where you going?"  She said Grandma has taken a turn for the worse and she was going to go sit with her.  I asked if she wanted me to be there and she said yes.

I asked my nephew if she knew where  Grandma was.  He gave me the information.  But when I circled the parking lot my sister's car was not there.  Just then my sister called.  My nephew didn't know she'd been moved to another facility I knew about but my sister said not to make the drive.  She said something is telling her not to leave.  She was understandably upset and crying.

I talked with her for a few minutes then she said she'd call me back.  I began to drive home.  When I was about five miles from home my cell phone rang again.  I answered it and heard my sister crying.  Grandma Miller had passed away and she was there to hold her hand and hear her final breaths.

I found a place to park.  Tears were streaming down my cheeks for the pain of my sister and the loss of Grandma Miller.  She asked me for some advice about what to because hospice was involved and I gave her what I thought the family would most like to know.  She described the process of Grandma Miller dying and wondered if her stepson, Aaron, had gone through the same thing.

Aaron died from huffing in April 2010.  I was asked to be on watch that day when Aaron's ventilator was turned off.  I told her how Aaron died and it was not the same as Grandma Miller.

I knew Grandma Miller for 12 years.  She was at every family function.  There were times I would sit and talk to here.  I always gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her skin was so soft as were her eyes and her smile.

I'm sad she is gone.  The day of her wake I was so mentally drained I could barely function.  I know the family understands but still....

I wanted to say good-bye.

• Self Care:  Pulling off the road to continue conversation with sister was the right decision even though I was almost home.  Feeling the sadness about my sister being sad and my own sadness was very healthy.  Being able to give my sister insight into Aaron's death was helpful to her.  Not focusing on the sadness but on the warm memories of Grandma Miller helps the grieving process especially when the relationship isn't that close.  Knowing my brother-in-law understood I may not be able to attend the wake gave me permission to stay home which I ended up doing.  No false or exaggerated grieving.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 2

When life is running at mock speed it can be a lot to handle.  If I am in a good place emotionally and mentally, I hardly notice the pace I am running.  If I am struggling to keep each plate spinning so it doesn't crash to the ground, that's going to take more energy that I have stored up.

I have a friend who is also on disability.  In handling stress and our outlook on life, we couldn't be more different.  She has the philosophy, "The sky is falling!" and I live by, "There's always another answer.".  Whenever something changes in her world that she wasn't expecting, she literally flips out.  I, on the other hand, have learned to roll with it and do the next right thing.

Why are we so different?  I grew up in twelve step groups like Alateen, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups that challenged my stinking thinking.  Everything that happened to me wasn't about me.  The universe didn't revolve around me.  I was part of God's design and plan in this world and it was my responsibility to find out where He wanted me to be and do.  

We spend a lot of time together because getting out of the house when you're disabled is good. It's good for the depression and it's good for the exercise.  Sometimes it's good to go to stores or take a drive.

• During the past couple of weeks, she had to look for a new medical plan.  This has been very upsetting for her.  So much so that she's been crying at home, at her therapist's office and been an anxious wreck.  I do not fault her for how she feels - she is scared and at the age where what she selects will effect her in the next four years.  I offered to help since my brain was working pretty good and I know my help would decrease her stress.  What I took on (and I knew this when I offered to help) was hand holding and being the liaison between she and the health rep.  I was able to translate into simple words why the plan was good/bad, the concept of not being focused on the premium amount as the deciding factor but the value of the policy as a whole and things like that.  Even though stressful events entered my life after the fact, I felt my decision to help my friend was a good choice overall.
• Self Care:  When I offer to help someone, I'm going to help them the very best I can.  In order to so I have to take personal inventory on every level and be honest with myself:
• Am I mentally able to take on this task?
• Am I physically able to travel?
• Am I in a good place spiritually to hear God's guidance?
• Am I able to verbally communicate in a sensible manner?
• If I can answer, "Yes" to all of these questions, then I can move forward and help someone in need.

Helping someone in need can be draining.  I was drained when this task ended yesterday.  I was drained because I had about five other draining events happening in my life at the same time.  Had this been the only event, I would not have felt depleted.

I love my friend.  She is making progress and I am proud of her for that.  I believe there will come a day when her belief in herself will be stronger and her outlook on life will not be that of a victim but that of one who has been set free to live in the glorious freedom of Jesus Christ.

All of us have access to His love and freedom from the bondage of Satan.

I gave my whole heart to Jesus in March of 1988.

You can give yours today.

Dealing With A Lot - Part 1

Sometimes I feel my life is so overwhelming.  Have you ever felt that way?  I bet at some point you have.  As an introvert I struggle with talking about what is hurting inside because I like to keep my life private.  Yet there are times when I have a list of hurts that start to build up and if I don't talk about them (or write them down) I start to have migraines and live in silence.

The last two weeks have had situations where I've been needed by others whose fear and sadness were very real.  I've had my own loss which I haven't grieved yet.  Last night I received a phoned call that has tipped me over the proverbial edge which has caused this writing today.

In an effort to get it "out" of me and onto paper (and to also get it in front of Faith's eyes for next week), I'm going to start by listing two of them.  I'm also going to list how I am trying to cope and use good self care.

• Two weeks ago, a friend emailed, asking for prayer for her husband's serious health problem. She said I was great at it.  She is a teacher from high school who I consider an angel sent by God.  I hadn't talked to her for a very long time.  He had a large brain tumor and was scheduled for surgery the following week. I prayed for she, her husband, the tumor, the medical procedure and staff and anything else God prompted me to pray for.  She did a little socializing so I did a little socializing back. I tried not to stick my head in too much because she does have a support system. She shared that the cancer is aggressive and will return.  I responded with few words. Her husband came home and was asleep.  She let me know her family and friends were there for support.  I sent a reply stating it sounds like all is well.  I mailed a card.  There's been no word from her since.  I believe what she needed from me has been met.  
• Self-Care:  I did not become obsessed by making sure I did everything perfectly.  I did not over-communicate with her.  I waited for her to communicate with me, I asked God how to respond to her and I asked God what would be an encouragement to her.  Because I've never been married, I have no idea what it's like to have a spouse with a life threatening health problem.  I asked God to keep me from saying anything stupid or insensitive.  I also asked God to help keep my Borderline Personality Disorder in check.  So far, so good.
• Last week, my cat (Kitten) did not come home.  Where I live it was the last nice day we were going to have.  She was going in and out of the house several times.  When she didn't come home that night, I thought she'd be home in the morning.  She wasn't.  Our temperatures took a nose dive.  We've been in the 30's down to the single digits.  I've been searching for her, posted a flyer, followed up on a couple of leads but no sign of her.  I'm afraid with these frigid cold temps she either found someplace warm and isn't coming out or hasn't survived them.
• Self-Care:  I've asked for help from neighbors and updated the flyer with a better picture of her.  I'm being realistic about the possibility of her return.  I've done some crying, however, I have yet to let go of her completely.  

I hope to list two (or more) of them again tomorrow.  This might not seem like a lot but to me, when it's all out, it will be the sum total of everything my heart and mind have been handling.

I haven't shared a video for awhile.  This one has some great lessons and a great message.  It's Pixar's, "For the Birds," and it plays at the beginning of Monsters, Inc..

Healing: Open or Closed

If it weren't for the hope of becoming a better person who can one day feel a little better and maybe function a little better, I would not put myself through the trouble of healing from abuse.

It takes a lot of courage to face the truth that's been stuffed down for decades.  The courage I have doesn't come solely from me.  It comes from God within me.

It takes a lot of fishing trips.  To cast my line into the unknown waters of my memory and hook something that will inevitably cause me pain to uncover.  I have to take it off the hook, thump it on the head, clean it, fillet it and cook it when I'm ready so that it's gone forever.  I don't like hooking or killing fish.

It's very draining, healing from abuse.  I'm tired quite a lot.  I don't feel social and I don't feel like eating.  I'd love to stay on the couch all day and sometimes I do.  I don't want to talk to people, I can't concentrate to read and I just want to be left alone.

I know it's not good for me or that's what I've been told.  I think people who haven't been abused like I have don't understand the need for isolation when going through the process of healing.  I've spent so many years trying to function in the world.  Six years ago I ended up having a seizure that changed my life.

Now I'm on disability, unable to work, have a stack of mental illnesses and a physical disability and now I have to be careful what I do and how I do it.  I don't think well meaning people know what to do with all of that.  They want to help but don't know how.  I certainly don't want help because I don't know what to tell them and I prefer to be alone in my house which is where I feel the safest.

There's people who want to get together with me and I want to see them, too.  The only problem is I know my social anxiety ramps up and I end up shaking.  I hate it but that's the way it is.

I have hope of one day feeling better but I know I'm the only one who truly understands me.  I remember being in a therapy session and the therapist was having difficulty trying to help me.  I was stuck silent.  At group therapy the next day, where we process stuff, I said I didn't want to be treated like a text book.  I'm not a textbook.  I wanted to be treated like an individual, not someone on page 216.

I still feel that way but I don't have anyone treating me like a textbook.  Maybe I feel like one because a book can be open or closed and right now...

I'm closed.