I have several pet peeves but one of them I'll share with you.
Swearing.
I know I've sworn on this blog from time to time but I certainly don't make a habit of it. The same can be said when I am writing e-mail, tweeting, talking in therapy sessions or to family or friends.
I don't like swearing. I especially don't like some of the very popular text acronyms for swearing. Why? Even though the person is not typing out the swear words, I am reading the acronyms using the swear words.
I don't think people realize how often these are being used. They've become as commonplace as any other word. The problem is this: I don't know what the writer is trying to say.
If someone I was having a conversation with said, "W-T-F," I would have no clue what they meant. Seriously. Do you speak using letters or words?
If someone said, "L-M-A-O," I would see them doing this so they wouldn't have to say the letters to me. Using the letters by themselves would be confusing.
When I swear I am usually so angry I can't think of any other word to communicate how deeply I feel the anger. I don't swear when I'm happy nor do I swear just to swear. It's always anger, rage or total frustration.
Swearing, in my opinion, tells me the person does not yet know the proper vocabulary for expressing emotions. Sometimes it's up to us to seek out that vocabulary. I've had to retrain my swearing. I've had to think about what I'm really feeling and try to match it to an emotion instead of a swear word.
I'm by no means judging anyone or claiming to be perfect, believe me. By having an emotions list, I'm better able to express myself so I can have resolution to my problems in a mature manner. One that honors God.
There are many emotion lists on the internet. I chose not to post one because they vary in type of content. If you type "Emotion Words" in the search, you'll have plenty to look at.
Think about it. What is swearing covering up for you?
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Anger-Rage-Nurturing
The devastation of past abuse, no matter how severe, ever leaves my mind or my memories. The emotions that surface over and over again are all too familiar. Sometimes, however, one slips in unnoticed. A new one with quite a punch.
This year that one is rage. I've felt hurt, I've felt angry, I've felt sad, I've felt justified and I've felt revenge. This is the first year I've felt a depth of anger that can only be defined as rage.
Rage is beyond anger. It's beyond grief. It's in a category unto itself. It does not mix with minor emotions. It's an emotion fueled by several others.
It elicits action that is not positive. For me, it elicits violence. Physical violence. Such as: punching someone across the mouth over and over again until they are knocked unconscious. Beefing myself up so I can physically take them on and whip their butt to the point of blood and bruises. Temporarily immobilizing them so they can't move. In other words, taking my rage out on them.
But then God sends this: Nurturing.
In my encounters with others, in my dreams with others and in my imagination with others.
I feel safe with my therapist and she uses a nurturing voice. It reminds me that I can talk about whatever I need to and if something isn't going right in the session, I can speak up. It also reminds me of another therapist who did this.
I feel safe with a Bible teacher I've never met. God sent a dream where I was running for safety and I ran into her yard. I was afraid to see her and yet I ran into her house, found what I think was her bedroom and hid against the bed. I was groggy from sleep when I heard her walk in. She didn't say anything. Instead I felt her put a blanket over me and say, "Oh, Darlin." I felt loved and the fear I was running from disappeared.
Right now I'm going to lay down under the covers and watch, "It's A Wonderful Life." It's a movie that makes me feel warm inside. I'm alone so I feel safe. My kitties are sleeping so I know they are safe, too.
Anger - Rage - Nurturing
I don't remember ever being nurtured after the anger, rage or abuse.
I would have liked it.
This year that one is rage. I've felt hurt, I've felt angry, I've felt sad, I've felt justified and I've felt revenge. This is the first year I've felt a depth of anger that can only be defined as rage.
Rage is beyond anger. It's beyond grief. It's in a category unto itself. It does not mix with minor emotions. It's an emotion fueled by several others.
It elicits action that is not positive. For me, it elicits violence. Physical violence. Such as: punching someone across the mouth over and over again until they are knocked unconscious. Beefing myself up so I can physically take them on and whip their butt to the point of blood and bruises. Temporarily immobilizing them so they can't move. In other words, taking my rage out on them.
But then God sends this: Nurturing.
In my encounters with others, in my dreams with others and in my imagination with others.
I feel safe with my therapist and she uses a nurturing voice. It reminds me that I can talk about whatever I need to and if something isn't going right in the session, I can speak up. It also reminds me of another therapist who did this.
I feel safe with a Bible teacher I've never met. God sent a dream where I was running for safety and I ran into her yard. I was afraid to see her and yet I ran into her house, found what I think was her bedroom and hid against the bed. I was groggy from sleep when I heard her walk in. She didn't say anything. Instead I felt her put a blanket over me and say, "Oh, Darlin." I felt loved and the fear I was running from disappeared.
Right now I'm going to lay down under the covers and watch, "It's A Wonderful Life." It's a movie that makes me feel warm inside. I'm alone so I feel safe. My kitties are sleeping so I know they are safe, too.
Anger - Rage - Nurturing
I don't remember ever being nurtured after the anger, rage or abuse.
I would have liked it.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Honest Rage
A little down. A little angry. A little depressed.
Normal feelings when experiencing the fallout of emotions from a childhood racked with physical, sexual and verbal abuse and pain. No safe outlet, no safe place to hide.
In childhood there was one way to survive - get through it. Eat, pull out my hair, wet the bed, latch onto safe adults, escape.
In adulthood there are more ways to survive - conquer it. Drive recklessly, cut, drink alcohol, attempt suicide, overeat, isolate, images of hurting or killing perpetrators, release.
None of these are healthy. All of them have consequences.
Just for today, I don't care.
I wish I had a gun and access to the perpetrators who made scars on my body and in my mind.
They'd all be dead.
No regrets.
None.
Normal feelings when experiencing the fallout of emotions from a childhood racked with physical, sexual and verbal abuse and pain. No safe outlet, no safe place to hide.
In childhood there was one way to survive - get through it. Eat, pull out my hair, wet the bed, latch onto safe adults, escape.
In adulthood there are more ways to survive - conquer it. Drive recklessly, cut, drink alcohol, attempt suicide, overeat, isolate, images of hurting or killing perpetrators, release.
None of these are healthy. All of them have consequences.
Just for today, I don't care.
I wish I had a gun and access to the perpetrators who made scars on my body and in my mind.
They'd all be dead.
No regrets.
None.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Self-Expectations
Dear God,
I'm noticing a lot of anger surfacing. I'm wanting to punch people and knock them down. Some people I want to kill with my punch. Others I want to make an impression so they don't ever forget.
I know I'm not supposed to think this way because it's not how Jesus would think.
I'm very tired these days. All my blood work came back normal. I accomplished one goal which was to get my glucose down so I was not borderline diabetic anymore. Cha-ching. Done. Proud of myself.
It's time to start writing again. I keep putting this off. Then I think if I were to die, I wouldn't have finished what you had me start. I need to revisit those pages and pick up where I left off. I still have some abuse memories to write down. Not looking forward to it.
I feel like I'm disappointing people. Not sure why. I keep thinking I should be better than I am - capable of handling more. There are days I hate myself because I can't handle any more than I am. I feel like a failure.
And then I get angry. And I want to lash out. And I want to punch. Very hard.
I guess that's it.
Amy
I'm noticing a lot of anger surfacing. I'm wanting to punch people and knock them down. Some people I want to kill with my punch. Others I want to make an impression so they don't ever forget.
I know I'm not supposed to think this way because it's not how Jesus would think.
I'm very tired these days. All my blood work came back normal. I accomplished one goal which was to get my glucose down so I was not borderline diabetic anymore. Cha-ching. Done. Proud of myself.
It's time to start writing again. I keep putting this off. Then I think if I were to die, I wouldn't have finished what you had me start. I need to revisit those pages and pick up where I left off. I still have some abuse memories to write down. Not looking forward to it.
I feel like I'm disappointing people. Not sure why. I keep thinking I should be better than I am - capable of handling more. There are days I hate myself because I can't handle any more than I am. I feel like a failure.
And then I get angry. And I want to lash out. And I want to punch. Very hard.
I guess that's it.
Amy
Sunday, December 08, 2013
Being Flexible
It was all settled! My nieces and I picked the day I was going to take them to do their Christmas shopping for their family. I was giving each of them their own envelope of money. We were all set to go.
During the prior weekend I called and talked it over with their Dad. He had a terrific idea. Since I was going to give each of the girls clipboards to write down what they wanted to get for each family member, he suggested they write down what they saw at each store before they purchased anything. BRILLIANT! Then I would take them to lunch where they could collaborate what to go in on together, decide what they really wanted to purchase and once we were done with lunch we'd go back to those stores so they could make their final purchases. Again, BRILLIANT!
I called one of my nieces during the week and told her about Dad's idea. She loved it! She told me she's had too many times when she's bought someone a present only to find something she liked better at another store but couldn't get it because she'd already spent her money. We firmed up the day/time I'd be picking up she and her sisters and we were set to go! Everyone was very excited.
My sister (their Mom) posted a Facebook message the morning of the shopping. I read it before I left the house. I was surprised and a little worried about what she posted. On the way to her house she called. I was given the full explanation which helped but still didn't take away the worry. I knew I was powerless over their future. I needed to stay in the moment and enjoy my time with the girls.
When I walked into the house, the girls were ready but a little calm. We spent a few minutes getting organized and then we were off! It was a little quiet in the car so I decided to toss out what their Mom posted on FB and asked them how they felt about it. After some questions and reassuring their safety in telling me the truth, I found out what was worrying them. They told me in a few short sentences. I reached the bank, went inside to get their cash and when I came out the mood changed. One of them had tears running down her cheeks. I knew instinctively this was one of those moments.
As a very active aunt in the lives of these precious children, my heart's desire is to teach them how to honor and manage their feelings. This was a very fresh wound that triggered fear of past realities their family has had to go through repeatedly. I had a decision to make.
1. I could tell them to push aside those feelings for the next few hours so we could have some fun shopping, going for lunch, etc. which would teach them what? When you feel sad, stuff your feelings with spending and food and don't let those feelings ever surface. OR
2 I could give them positive words of encouragement for sharing their feelings, letting them know their other aunt and I are just as worried as they are. This will teach them that their feelings are important and they are not alone in how they feel.
Obviously, I did number two. I added that their other aunt and I are going to be praying for the situation because we understand how scary it is. This will teach them that they, too, can go to God with their fears and that they have aunts who believe God is going to help all of them.
After we talked, I asked them what they wanted to do. Two of them wanted to go home and the youngest one wanted to shop. I took the two older ones home and then took the youngest one out to shop. It all worked out the way it was supposed to. Their Mom got to hear from them why they didn't go shopping which was healthy, the youngest one and I got to spend some time alone.
I was so proud of myself for using mature coping skills and tools in what could have been a very emotionally driven mess. I was able to pass on a healthy baton to my nieces and sister who worked through their emotions and fears. I was able to witness my sister's surprise reaction to their fears. When my youngest niece and I came back, the older girls were in a much better mood. I told the girls not to worry about shopping - we can always go on a Sunday or after school.
In case you're wondering, their ages are 14, 12 and 9.
Staying in the moment and making decisions that were the best for the children is an act of love that is indescribable. Sometimes it's necessary to push but most of the time, I find it's necessary to STOP (Sit, Talk, Open up, Pray). Lord knows, God want us to do that with Him.
During the prior weekend I called and talked it over with their Dad. He had a terrific idea. Since I was going to give each of the girls clipboards to write down what they wanted to get for each family member, he suggested they write down what they saw at each store before they purchased anything. BRILLIANT! Then I would take them to lunch where they could collaborate what to go in on together, decide what they really wanted to purchase and once we were done with lunch we'd go back to those stores so they could make their final purchases. Again, BRILLIANT!
I called one of my nieces during the week and told her about Dad's idea. She loved it! She told me she's had too many times when she's bought someone a present only to find something she liked better at another store but couldn't get it because she'd already spent her money. We firmed up the day/time I'd be picking up she and her sisters and we were set to go! Everyone was very excited.
My sister (their Mom) posted a Facebook message the morning of the shopping. I read it before I left the house. I was surprised and a little worried about what she posted. On the way to her house she called. I was given the full explanation which helped but still didn't take away the worry. I knew I was powerless over their future. I needed to stay in the moment and enjoy my time with the girls.
When I walked into the house, the girls were ready but a little calm. We spent a few minutes getting organized and then we were off! It was a little quiet in the car so I decided to toss out what their Mom posted on FB and asked them how they felt about it. After some questions and reassuring their safety in telling me the truth, I found out what was worrying them. They told me in a few short sentences. I reached the bank, went inside to get their cash and when I came out the mood changed. One of them had tears running down her cheeks. I knew instinctively this was one of those moments.
As a very active aunt in the lives of these precious children, my heart's desire is to teach them how to honor and manage their feelings. This was a very fresh wound that triggered fear of past realities their family has had to go through repeatedly. I had a decision to make.
1. I could tell them to push aside those feelings for the next few hours so we could have some fun shopping, going for lunch, etc. which would teach them what? When you feel sad, stuff your feelings with spending and food and don't let those feelings ever surface. OR
2 I could give them positive words of encouragement for sharing their feelings, letting them know their other aunt and I are just as worried as they are. This will teach them that their feelings are important and they are not alone in how they feel.
Obviously, I did number two. I added that their other aunt and I are going to be praying for the situation because we understand how scary it is. This will teach them that they, too, can go to God with their fears and that they have aunts who believe God is going to help all of them.
After we talked, I asked them what they wanted to do. Two of them wanted to go home and the youngest one wanted to shop. I took the two older ones home and then took the youngest one out to shop. It all worked out the way it was supposed to. Their Mom got to hear from them why they didn't go shopping which was healthy, the youngest one and I got to spend some time alone.
I was so proud of myself for using mature coping skills and tools in what could have been a very emotionally driven mess. I was able to pass on a healthy baton to my nieces and sister who worked through their emotions and fears. I was able to witness my sister's surprise reaction to their fears. When my youngest niece and I came back, the older girls were in a much better mood. I told the girls not to worry about shopping - we can always go on a Sunday or after school.
In case you're wondering, their ages are 14, 12 and 9.
Staying in the moment and making decisions that were the best for the children is an act of love that is indescribable. Sometimes it's necessary to push but most of the time, I find it's necessary to STOP (Sit, Talk, Open up, Pray). Lord knows, God want us to do that with Him.
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