Hard Therapy - Good Therapist

I don't understand why people like me are given medications with side effects of suicidal ideations or tendencies.  It doesn't make sense.  How can the benefits of the medications outweigh the risks if the risks include taking your own life?

It's hard enough having Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and other diagnosis' that require medication intervention without having to be on guard for their side effects.  In other words, how am I supposed to tell the difference between an irrational thought created by negative thoughts or caused by a medicine imbalance?  It's tricky, that's for sure.

Those are the times I rely on my therapist.  I talk to Faith about what's going on in my head.  I depend on her training, experience, wisdom and walk with the Lord to be able to sort through my messy mind.  I've witnessed her pull it apart, write down the pieces then sort them into sections that make sense.

She keeps working with me until all those fragments become pieces of a puzzle I understand.  She then helps me put those pieces into little piles that relate to one another.  When they are ready and after she has explained them to me, she tells me how positive all those pieces are to my self-care.  It's like she's proud of me for being able to work through the difficulty of putting my brain back together.

Once the pieces are ready, Faith helps by using a piece of paper and a pen to draw out a diagram.  It can be a diagram of just about anything but to me, it puts my brain back together and gives me something new to focus on.  It's like my old brain was dumped out onto her desk, she gently and purposely reorganized the chaos that was in my head then organized them into the kind of order that I could use and take home with me.

I pray all of you have a therapist like Faith Gallup.  I love her as my sister in Christ, I trust her with my inner most dark places, when I feel sad I'm comfortable crying in front of her and if I have a conflict with her, she is incredibly humble and sincere if she needs to apologize.

It's both a pleasure and painful for my recovery to be in therapy with her.  Truth be told, God knew exactly who I needed at this stage of my recovery.  I love Him even more for choosing her and for her allowing me to be one of her clients.

If you live near Libertyville, IL or Gurnee, IL   Click Here for Faith Gallup, MSW, LCSW

Whose Hand Do You Hold?

Mental illness sucks.

Every aspect of it.

Neurotransmitters misfiring, hearing voices, brain not able to make easy decisions, major depressive disorder lurking behind every mood disorder and the desire to stay locked away in my house no longer a fleeting thought.

So many diagnosis.  Lots of therapy.  Bottles of anti-depressants and psychotropics.  Daily pillbox.  Morning and night. Water and pills, water and pills.  Capsules and tablets.  Yellow, pink and white. Remember how much of what and when.  Remember what's working and why.  Remember what's not working and how.  I need a brain that remembers to write this down.

S.A.D. = Seasonal Affect Disorder.  Most people call it the winter time blues.  I've been diagnosed with it but I can't tell the difference from my other depression.  It doesn't matter.  The steps out of the depths of depression are similar.

1.  I make myself get out of my bed.
2.  If I still need to lay down, I go to my couch.
3.  I take my meds as prescribed.
4.  I watch something to distract my mind.
5.  I call my therapist if I need to.

There's lots of other things  I can do but sometimes, I don't have the energy to do them.  Sometimes all I can do is lay down, keep myself in the house and keep myself safe.  Sometimes I don't keep myself safe but that's part of my problem, too.

Jesus lived through some pretty awful torture and abuse.  When I watch The Passion of the Christ, I cannot watch the scourging scene.  It makes me sick and so sad.

The abuse I survived is nothing like His.  And yet He died to remind me He knows how I feel and He will cleanse me of all my sin.

Who else but Jesus cares about the dirtiness I feel about being abused by six people?
No one.

Who else but Jesus died to set me free from guilt that wasn't mine?
No one.

Who else but Jesus taught me that the sin I did commit was offensive to God but could be forgiven by asking Jesus to make payment for it on the cross?
No one.

I came to Him broken in more ways than I knew.  He came to me knowing all those broken areas and reached out to me because He saw how much emotional pain I was in.  He stretched out His nail pierced hand and grabbed onto my glass scarred hand

I let Him hold my hand, looked into His eyes and saw the deepest love staring back at me.

It's time for me to go now.
Rest easy.

Meier Clinics, Wheaton, IL

Have you ever sought help for something you knew was a serious emotional problem?  Were you scared?  Apprehensive?  Not sure you were making the right decision?

That was me in October of 2006.  

I'd been in therapy where I was having vivid flashbacks of being sexually abused by men and women I hadn't remembered.  Ages 4-26.  No help from others.  No way to stop it.  I was alone and then my personality split.

I didn't become Sybil, like the famous book.  I became Erik at age 8.  I became the protector of my emotions my dissociating.  I protected my Mom and sisters from my alcoholic Dad by picking a fight with him or getting in between them so I'd take the beating.  He wasn't going to hurt them.

The dreams became more and more frequent.  Some of them had out of body experiences with them. Some of them, while about to step into the shower, breathed on me.

I wasn't able to focus on work.  Therapy was difficult.  I was ready to run away like I had before.  My mind was made up. It was time to go.

I stayed at a friend/co-workers house over night.  She was a good friend.  She made me go for a walk with her.  I was trying to focus on what she was asking me to look at.  Flowers.  Colors.  What would look good there?  She was trying to get me to stay present.  I was fighting not to kill myself.

I packed and was ready to go.  She wouldn't let me unless my therapist told her it was okay.  I placated my therapist and was allowed to leave.  I was paranoid as I drove the 15 minutes home, packed everything I'd need, removed all electronic tracing devices, withdrew $800 from the bank, got an oil change and left.

During those couple of days I talked to God.  I emailed my co-worker.  I knew I needed help.  I felt out of control in my head.  I felt crazy.  There was nowhere I could drive that would make me feel better.  The only way to feel better was to commit suicide.  But I really didn't want to do it.

When I got back, my co-worker fought for me to get to Meier Clinics immediately.  There's nothing I can say that will ever be enough to thank her.  Her advocacy saved my life.

Meier Clinics Outpatient Day Program was three weeks long.  I needed every day of it.  The therapists, psychiatrist, testing and individual therapy were the right combination to get me started down a road of recovery I was unfamiliar traveling.  

A Christian based counseling center can incorporate God's word and the teachings of Jesus Christ in such a way that lies and deceit are exposed and truth replaces all of it.  

The staff, I believe, are hand picked by God.

My therapist, Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC, will forever hold a tender place in my heart.

I highly recommend Meier Clinics for any troubles you are having.

Suicide Safety Plan

How Can A Safety Plan Help?

Suicidal thoughts can seem like they will last forever – but for many, these thoughts and feelings pass. Having a plan in place that can help guide you through difficult moments can make a difference and keep you safe. Ideally, such a plan is developed jointly with your counselor or therapist. It can also be developed with a Lifeline counselor who can help you write down actions to take and people to contact in order to feel safe from suicide. In general, a safety plan is designed so that you can start at step one and continue through the steps until you feel safe. You should keep your plan in a place where you can easily access it (your wallet or cell phone) when you have thoughts of hurting yourself.

The following are essential elements to explore and include in the development of your safety plan*:

1. Recognize warning signs: What sorts of thoughts, images, moods, situations, and behaviors indicate to you that a crisis may be developing? Write these down in your own words.

2. Use your own coping strategies – without contacting another person: What are some things that you can do on your own to help you not act on thoughts/urges to harm yourself?

3. Socialize with others who may offer support as well as distraction from the crisis: Make a list of people (with phone numbers) and social settings that may help take your mind off things.

4. Contact family members or friends who may help to resolve a crisis: Make a list of family members (with phone numbers) who are supportive and who you feel you can talk to when under stress.

5. Contact mental health professionals or agencies: List names, numbers and/or locations of clinicians, local emergency rooms, crisis hotlines – carry the Lifeline number 1-800-273-8255

6. Ensure your environment is safe: Have you thought of ways in which you might harm yourself? Work with your counselor to develop a plan to limit your access to these means.

*Adapted from the Safety Plan Template developed by Barbara Stanley and Gregory K. Brown – see Safety Plan Template

Taken from: National Suicide Prevention

God Alive In You

What do you do when God asks you to continue down a difficult path of healing?

Do you say yes without hesitation, suit up with your study bible, telephone your mentor, schedule quiet time then dive into whatever it is He's asked you to do?

If so, I deeply admire you.

Or do you say yes, with a little bit of hesitation, suit up with your easy to understand bible (because most American Christians have more than one bible), send an email to four or five of your closest confidants, figure out a few hours you can set aside for reflection then go into a kind of mental awareness of what He's asked you to do?

If so, I deeply respect you.

Or do you say yes, out of obligation as a seasoned believer, you forget your bible but then remember to grab it, you sent a text message to one or two friends you haven't talked to for awhile because you've been too busy, you're not sure if you can dedicate any time to what God is asking you to do but you figure what the heck, you've skated by before, certainly you can do it again?

If so, I recognize your laziness.

What if you don't hear anything?
What if God asks you to do something and it falls on deaf ears?
Then what?

If so, God is no longer alive in you.

You may be going to church.  You may have given your sin and life to Jesus on the cross.  You may be involved in serving and using your spiritual gift.  You may be active in a small group.  You may be tithing.

But friend, there is no evidence of God being alive in you.  God didn't send Jesus just to save us from our sin and an eternity in hell.  He wants an eternal relationship with us.  He, the Father, us, His Son or Daughter.  Intimate, Close, Conversational, Laughter, Tears, Joyful and Comforting.

If your ears have never or no longer hear Him calling you to Him, the reason I've been taught is this:  there is an area of sin blocking your relationship with God that needs to be dealt with.  I've had this happen.  I attest to the separation I felt from God, the loneliness, the sadness, the guilt and the shame.  I needed to confess to my mentor and to God the sin I was involved in then be absolved of the sin I'd committed, fully healed and fully restored.  Until that happened, God separated himself from me.

Afterward, I read Scripture.  The Bible is often described as God's Love Letter to Us. Whenever I find myself feeling a little separated from God, not necessarily from sin, I remind myself that I always have His thoughts toward me.  He didn't keep them a secret.  They're all right here for me to meditate on.

Enjoy "God's Not Dead" from the Newsboys:

Battle Scars

There was a time in my life when battle scars were all I thought I had to show for being alive.  I was beaten by my alcoholic Dad for many years.  I had bruises of all shapes and colors from his hands hitting me and his belt whipping me.  In those days, no one ever called to report the abuse and no one ever stopped what was happening to me.

I have scars on my hands from breaking the glass on our front door.  I smashed the glass with my hand because my Mom was leaving me home for the weekend while she took my younger sisters with her to my Grandma's.  I would be left alone with my Dad.  My reaction didn't change anything.  No matter how much I cried or begged or pleaded - I was left home.  I've blocked that memory.

You see, my Dad was my sexual abuser as well.  My Mom told me the first time I was sexually abused was when I was four years old.  She said I heard my Dad rape her and it wasn't just one time.  Being the first born and having a strong protective personality, I would've wanted to protect my Mom and stop my Dad from hurting her but because of my size I was helpless.  

This behavior went on for some time.  My uncle sexually abused me at age 5.  I was sexually abused by my Dad ages 6-8.  A babysitter's son sexually abused me at age 8.  The sexual abuse continued through age 13 by my Dad.  I had more sexual abuse by 3-4 more people into my late 20's.  My body has many scars and many stories to tell.

I started self-injuring before I was ten.  I did it because it only effected me.  In the back of my mind I still believe that to be true.  It's very confusing when you've had so much abuse done to your body by people who were supposed to protect you.  It's makes me wonder, "What was so wrong with me that you had to beat and abuse me so badly?

Well, I'll never have the answer to that question.

God may never give me that answer.

All I know is I have to heal despite never knowing what the answer could be.

Here's an organization that helps me when I feel really down and alone:

CLICK HERE FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

Depression Challenges

I've been thinking a lot about admitting myself into Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital on the regular psychotherapy unit.  Not the self-injury/eating disorder unit.  The unit that would help me find some mental and medication balance.  Something I'm not sure I can find on my own right now.

My psychiatrist weaned back my lithium and added xanex and toprimate.  The latter two are helping a lot but the lithium change?  I'm not so sure.

How do you tell the difference between a medicine change which treats voices I hear and depression from the grieving I'm going through?  Is there any measuring stick that exists?  I haven't found one.

The daily fatigue and exhaustion are enough to make me want to isolate from everyone in the world.  Family, friends, professionals, everyone.  Doesn't matter the benefit they add to my life.  The sheer amount of energy it takes to interact by phone or by visit depletes all my energy.

I don't mean for this to sound down or complaining or self-pity.  I mean for it to sound honest, insightful and aware.

Last night I had a dream where I was in treatment at ABBHH.  I got to see and talk to Dr. Erin, my original therapist one and a half years ago.  Seeing her brought a sense of peace - like I was going to be okay.  I just needed some tweaking with my coping skills and understanding of my mental illness.

I saw my friend Anne, who was a fellow patient though in real life has never been.  She's someone who understands my being an introvert and can easily identify what I need in order to break through some tough road blocks.

I was working on problem solving.  I was working with people I recognized yet I don't know their names.  Progress was being made even though it was slow.  I had to be patient.

The dream ended with Dr. Erin at the end of the hall smiling at me and I at her.

I knew I would not be seeing her again and yet having that knowledge was no longer frightening.  I would remember her and all the words of encouragement she freely gave to me.  God brought her into my life for a short time and in that short time, she made a huge impact.

Part of dealing with mental illness is accepting that it's a very lonely disease.  People don't know how to treat us, at times they are afraid of us, they don't know what to do when we are depressed and they get frustrated when we can't just snap out of it.

They get angry when we refuse to take a shower because we're afraid to get wet, they cry when we sit curled up in a chair and stare out a window not moving or talking, they yell at us thinking that will cause us to snap out of dissociation and they try to use tough love when we're sitting outside in the rain not caring that we are getting wet.

We have depression.  It could be Major, Chronic, Major Depressive or any other type of Depression.  I have Major Depressive.  It's hard to manage.  I can be hard to medicate.  Sometimes it's hard for my family.  It can be hard for my friends.

The best thing I can do for all of us is to learn about it.

It's always good to have more information.