Grief and Dreaming

The medication changes are interrupting my sleep.  I'm stirring throughout the night.  My cats are not liking it.

For the last couple of nights I've had dreams about death.  I don't remember the first one.  It must not have been important enough to remember.  The second one haunted me all day.

I've mentioned the only best friend I've ever had. She loved me even though I had an abusive childhood.  We shared a lot, had a lot in common and laughed.  I grew to love each of her seven kids.  They were precious to me.  I was blessed to get to see most of them grow up.  But then something happened.

The (my) mental illness started.  Then it took over.  Over time, I slowly backed away.  Not because I thought I would hurt them or anything like that.  I backed away because I thought it would be best for them. I didn't know what my future held.  I knew some concerns she expressed.  I should have discussed it with her - regret number one.

Fast forward to the dream.  I am who I am now as is she, as are the kids.  I hear from someone that her two oldest daughters and oldest grandson died.  I arrive at her house just as she and her husband are being notified.  How did it happen?  It was a swimming accident.

I see them react to the news.  They have to get the rest of the family together.  They go their separate ways. Their children and their families begin to show up.  It's Tuesday night - a night one of the daughters who died would be teaching a theater group.  I walk up the sidewalk toward my friend.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I was hoping I made the right choice to be there.  We hug and cry.

The rest of the dream has no significance on what else I want to share.  When I was thinking about the friendship I left behind, how much I miss she and her family and how much I hate the disease of mental illness, I started to cry.  Real tears, rolling down my cheeks, real hurt, real sadness. Grief.

Grieving the loss of people you loved deeply takes time to heal.  I have to remind myself not to pretend that if I were to contact her everything would be okay.  It wouldn't.  We've both moved on in our lives, following what God is leading us to do.  The reality is that we're down to birthday greetings and Christmas cards.

And those are two places I never wanted to be.

Are You Happy?

I was asked a question today by my therapist that threw me a little bit.  She asked me when I'd be happy again.  The reason why I was thrown off is because I'm in a season of grief where anniversary dates are coming and going.  Second, I have major depressive disorder so when was I supposed to be "happy?"

One of many positive character qualities my therapist has is a good heart.  If something she says doesn't come out quite the way she meant it, all I have to do is ask and she's quick to clear it up.  But is this something that needs to be cleared up?

Or is it my filter system that's causing a bit of an angry rub by that question?
What did I hear?

1.  I was doing something wrong by not being happy.
2.  I wasn't getting to "happy" quick enough.
3.  If I'd be happy my problems would lessen.

Hm.  Sounds like I have a problem.
Let's take a closer look.

What if when my therapist asked, "When are you going to be happy again?", instead of reacting to old negative voices, I remember her good character qualities and hear, "I'm concerned your depression is lasting so long.  Do you have times outside of our sessions when you are happy?"

Hear the difference?  So do I.  I'm still training myself how to stop and listen to what is being said, who is saying it, ask questions then respond.  Today was an off day so I didn't catch myself and let's admit it, none of us is perfect.

I have so many days when I bring the funny.  I have funny things that happen at home with the cats, a skunk, my family and my friends.  I know funny.

The other truth is that I just came out of a grieving time for the six year anniversary of my friend Cathy and my Dad's death.  Then in two weeks it's the four year anniversary of my nephew Aaron's death.

Are some things funny?  Of course they are.  Do I feel happy?  Of course I don't.

But I can tell you this.  God gives me comic relief to get through the grief.  When I grieve I feel a heavy boulder on my shoulders.  And when I laugh that boulder goes away for a little while.

It's all about balance.
It's always all about balance.

Parkinson's? Hopefully Not

Some scary news from my psych.  The symptoms are definitely Parkinson's related.  He hopes it's due to lithium toxicity or other toxicity.  He reduced and eliminated some meds.  Now we wait and see.

The Parkinson's symptoms are exactly what you'd expect:

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Parkinson's disease symptoms and signs may vary from person to person. Early signs may be mild and may go unnoticed. Symptoms often begin on one side of your body and usually remain worse on that side, even after symptoms begin to affect both sides.

Parkinson's signs and symptoms may include:

• Tremor. Your tremor, or shaking, usually begins in a limb, often your hand or fingers. You may notice a back-and-forth rubbing of your thumb and forefinger known as a pill-rolling tremor. One characteristic of Parkinson's disease is a tremor of your hand when it is relaxed (at rest).
• Slowed movement (bradykinesia). Over time, Parkinson's disease may reduce your ability to move and slow your movement, making simple tasks difficult and time-consuming. Your steps may become shorter when you walk, or you may find it difficult to get out of a chair. Also, you may drag your feet as you try to walk, making it difficult to move.
• Rigid muscles. Muscle stiffness may occur in any part of your body. The stiff muscles can limit your range of motion and cause you pain.
• Impaired posture and balance. Your posture may become stooped, or you may have balance problems as a result of Parkinson's disease.
• Loss of automatic movements. In Parkinson's disease, you may have a decreased ability to perform unconscious movements, including blinking, smiling or swinging your arms when you walk. You may no longer gesture when talking.
• Speech changes. You may have speech problems as a result of Parkinson's disease. You may speak softly, quickly, slur or hesitate before talking. Your speech may be more of a monotone rather than with the usual inflections. A speech-language pathologist may help improve your speech problems.
• Writing changes. Writing may appear small and become difficult.

I have a lot of these.  It's not just me who notices.  I've had these for about two months.  It's gotten worse over time.  I'm staying positive by telling myself God is in control.  No matter what happens, I'll be okay.

His plan is the only one I want to follow.  If I shake for the rest of my life and my head moves from side to side then so be it.  It doesn't change who I am.  It doesn't change the fact that I'm writing my story.  It doesn't change that I love and am loved by my family.  It doesn't change the love for and from my friends.  It doesn't change the volunteering I'm doing at the library.  It doesn't change the love I have for my church.  It doesn't change the love I have for my kitties.

It doesn't change a thing.

Being Someone's Angel

It was a bright sunny day.  One that was due for a long time.  Winter's wind had been blustery.  The temperatures and wind chills were often well below zero.  For the warmth of the sunshine to grace our face in the wind, there could be no other gift greater than this.

I drove to a local thrift store, walked across the parking lot, thinking about other things I could use.  Two kitty carriers, perhaps a TV to replace the one that broke, a couple of VHS tapes I was searching for, you know, just thinking.  I walked through the door and something caught my eye.

It wasn't a TV or VHS tape or kitty carrier.  It wasn't any thing at all.  It was the most precious item to God and that preciousness was passed onto me.

She was sitting in a wheelchair.  She was wearing a black winter coat.  She had puffy white hair and was just sitting there.  I smiled and said hello.  She looked up, smiled and said hello.  I stopped walking and knew God wanted me to remind her that He hadn't forgotten about her.

I stood for a little while, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

Her family was shopping and she was waiting for them.

I asked her if she needed clothing and she laughed.  I sat down.

"Oh, I have too much.  I could wear them three fold!"

"I know what you mean," I said, "I'm giving mine away."

I continued, "Do you read books?"

"No, not anymore," she said, "My eyes don't see too well anymore.

I like watching TV, the news and some shows."

I said,"I don't have TV."

Her eyes opened wide.

"I usually read the newspaper or check on the Internet."

I got the nudge to leave.

"Well it was nice talking with you."

As I stood, I placed my hand on her arm.

She looked at her arm as if it had not been touched gently in awhile.

We said our good-byes and that was it.

God did not prompt me to say anything about Him.

I believe that sometimes we are God's angels.

And sometimes, angels are silent.

New Meds, Again?

Have you ever had these conditions present themselves at once?

Parkinson's   *   Depression   *   Isolation   *   Borderline Personality Disorder

Yeah, that's what's been going on for me this past week.  I'm not joking around, either.  I've had the MRI that eliminates Parkinson's.  It's just that my body and brain mimic those behaviors.  My speech impediment, the shaking, walking off balance and difficulty writing are all there at once.

The Depression is no stranger.  Neither is the Isolation.  Borderline Personality Disorder is triggering a lot of anger so all of them are stronger somehow.  I've been to therapy and tried explaining it.  l know my therapist wants to understand.  It's one of those combinations that makes it hard to explain unless the person has seen a lot of it in others or has had it themselves.

That brings it to my psychiatrist.  I see him later today.  I'm sure he'll have some ideas.  He might order some new scans since it's been about three years.  Doesn't matter to me.  None of this really matters to me.

I get so tired of the insanity of it all.  It's like I numb out to the strangeness and peculiarity.  It becomes another thing that's wrong, another medication that needs to be changed, another time of restrictions and another time of keeping notes to see if I feel improvement or not.

Every two years I go through this.  Not just for Major Depressive Disorder but for any of the mental illness stuff that's medicated.  I guess it's the way my neurotransmitters function.  I certainly have no control over them unless I don't take my medication.  And I take it twice daily so that's not the problem.

So we'll see what the doc says tomorrow.

Lord, please give him fresh ideas about how to treat these symptoms.  Help me to stay open and not shut down or become resistant.  Help our meeting to be lead by you and Your Holy Spirit.

God Showing Off

The other day I found this theatrical New King James Version CD set at a thrift store.  I'm a thrift store believer.  I've found many troves and treasures.  Things I would have otherwise purchased at full price but was fortunate to find them much cheaper here.

While browsing through the books, I found this tucked away in a cardboard holder.  The Cd's were inside a metal circular case.  I new exactly what it was but was doubtful all the Cd's were enclosed.


Many years ago when I had to go on disability, I had one Christmas when I could not give any gifts to anyone.  Then I had an idea.  What if I went shopping in my house?  I know I had things each child and member of my family would enjoy.

I have the gift of giving.  That means it gives me great joy to give gifts to those I love.  I personalize each gift so that the receiver feels chosen specifically for that gift.  When I walked through my house, I found my copy of the New Testament version.  I knew my brother-in-law would enjoy this so I gave it to him.

The giving I did that year came at a cost.  Each of the items I gave I really liked.  But I had to look past my own pain and focus on their pleasure.  After all, isn't that what Jesus taught us to do?  Isn't that what the New Testament taught us to do?

So when I found this little treasure with all the Cd's, I felt God saying, "See Amy?  You sacrificed what you loved for someone else's lifetime.  Now I can give this back to you for your lifetime."

I couldn't help but smile.

The very next day, my friend found the exact one I'd given to my brother-in-law.

As Beth Moore says, "This is my God showing off."

Yes, indeed, and I love every minute of it!!!!

Missing Church

The Pastor of my church, Bill Hybels, at Willow Creek Community Church

I've talked about this before.

I used to go to church twice a week.  I was a faithful attender, faithful servant in our kids ministry or singles ministry and I felt excited to be connected in groups of different kinds.  I was healthy in many ways but then something happened.

I started having emotional and physical problems at home then at work.  I was having seizures regularly, deep depression, anxiety, PTSD - you know, the whole ball of wax.  My world was falling apart.

Because of it, I had to step down out of serving, stop attending church, stop being in groups and stop working.  I had to go on disability.  My life since then has never been the same.

I don't say this for pity nor do I say this to draw attention.  A lot of people don't understand the speed of the progression of mental illness.  I believe it's always been inside of me.  I'm convinced my strength to hold it back gave out.  My world collapsed in an instant.

Since then I have tried to get to church.  I've had times of success, maybe a month or two but then the anxiety or whatever it is pushes me back.  I want to go back but I can't.

What do I do to keep my biblical and spiritual strength up?

I watch our sermons every week online.  I'm very blessed to belong to a church that makes this available every week.  If I can read, I read some scripture.  If I cannot read, I use a bible tool that reads scripture to me.  God has provided what I need in order to continue growing closer to him.

My dear friends Marie and Laurie are grounded in the Word so if I'm ever lost or feeling disconnected from God, I can talk to them about it.  They help me get grounded and centered.

I love God for all the ways He provides me access to Him.
It's just another way He pours out His love to all of us.